The Twins reported to the Metrodome on Wednesday in a foul mood. Things got off to a sucking start because Francisco Liriano, the scheduled starter, was sidelined with a sore elbow. A little thing, they were told. But a hella bad start to the day. Then, Gardy came in looking like he'd spent the better part of the night pukin' and poopin', which it turned out he had. So for the third straight day, he was nowhere near the ballpark when the game started,this time being poked with an IV at a local hospital because, in the name of healing, the docs told him that it would be wise to neither eat nor drink.
Then, Lew Ford came into the clubhouse, brandishing his trusty laptop and spewing invective. Alas, the target of his rage was none other than Batgirl.
"Sideburns contest!" Lew raged. "What's UP with this? Why didn't Batgirl ever invite her readers to a Doom contest. I mean, geez. I sign a 'Lew Ford is my Boyfiend' t-shirt for TwinsGoddess and Batgirl runs off and has a SIDEBURNS contest. Where's the friggin' reciprocity?"
Michael Cuddyer walked in at the end of Lew's outburst and picked up the theme. "HOW COME BATGIRL NEVER HAD A MAGIC TRICK CONTEST?" he yelled. "EVERYONE KNOWS I WOULD WIN."
Little Nicky Punto took in the scene around him and, as he often does, he turned the attention to himself, which he needs to do to avoid getting lost in the crowd: "A sliding contest. Batgirl never had a sliding contest. I mean, what better sport than watching her readers dive head-first into first base while trying to avoid the opposing pitcher's spikes?"
And Pat Neshek, the rookie who is gaining confidence, decided to test his place in the clubhouse. "A butt contest," Neshek opined. "Think any of Batgirl's readers have a better butt than you, Torii?"
Torii Hunter didn't laugh, and he wondered if Neshek knew about his little dust-up last season with Justin Morneau. "Quiet, rookie," Torii said, his face straight. "Batgirl would sooner ask her readers to imitate your twitchy act before she'd objectify me like that."
Sitting in the corner, Morneau thought he'd put an end to the grousing with a contest so simple anyone could enter.
"Uh, you know, guys. We should have, you know, one of those electrocution contests! Most 'you knows' in a minute gets, you know, to be..."
Jesse Crain cut him off. "Hey, hoser," Crain shouted. "You mean an ELOCUTION contest!"
"You know, uhhhhh, you're right," Morneau replied.
Finally, cooler heads prevailed. Mike Redmond, fresh from a round of naked batting practice, stood in the middle of the clubhouse and called the boys together. No one peeked.
"Gentlemen," he said. "The day has gotten off to such a start. Let's just have a SUCKING contest."
There was some hushed cross-talk as players debated the merit of Redmond's idea and finally, because he is the team's elder statesman, the boys all went along with the idea.
In the first inning, Joe Mauer came to the plate with two men on base and grounded into a double play. "Yes, I am on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week," he announced. "But I can still suck when needed."
In the second, Torii grounded into a double play on his own, the first half of an entry that included failing to run to first base on a strike three that eluded Texas' catcher in the fourth. "See, he said, "I can play with my head up my fine, fine sweetcheeks."
In the third, Little Nicky swung at a third strike and Jason Bartlett was thrown out at second for a different kind of double play. "See that?" LNP said. "That's called double-play diversity. And don't forget that dive into first base in the first inning, where I just missed getting my hand stepped on again."
The fourth was a team effort. Bartlett made a bad throw off a barehand grab and Punto did him one better, making such a bad throw off his barehand grab that the ball got away from Morneau and the batter went to second. Morneau muffed a grounder like he was wearing a blindfold and L-Rod, making a rare appearance at second base, made an ill-advised throw to Bartlett on a grounder. Does it surprise you that Texas scored 5 runs in that inning?
In the sixth inning, after the Twins dared score a run, Redmond grounded into the team's 4th double play of the game. The dugout chatter was divided between the fact that it was a rather ordinary double play and giving Redmond sucking props for hitting into his with the bases loaded.
Then, Jason Renyt Tyner, a/k/a The Assassin, stepped up after L-Rod and Bartlett had singled in the seventh. "I have destroyed others with my skills," he said to himself. "Now, I will shoot myself in the foot." And, yes, he grounded into a rally-killing double play.
To round out his entry, Tyner came to bat in the ninth and smacked a line drive that the Texas first baseman turned into an unassisted double play -- No. 6 of the game off the Twins' sucking bats. Game over.
The sucking jurors had rarely seen such an afternoon. Well, not since the likes of Stahoviak and Walker patrolled the infield, anyway. They took over Gardy's office for a while, donning their robes and debating secretly. So secretly that we can't even tell you what was said.
What we do know is that they emerged, swigging Gardy's half-empty Pepto bottles, and announced to all: "You all sucked so bad that choosing a winner for this contest is an exercise in futility. You must all go to Kansas City now -- and never, ever think about having a contest like this ever again."
That's it.
Mike Redmond never gets to choose the contests again.
Team's elder statesman my ass.
He should have just required naked batting practice for all. And let Batgirl, me, infield and a few other faithful female Batlings have special field passes to come in and choose the overall winner.
Yeah. That's what he should have done.
Posted by: bubblemint at August 2, 2006 08:44 PMaha! Since I sat through what had to be the worst Twins game I've ever attended this afternoon, I just KNEW there had to be a good reason for it. This explains alot. It was almost embarassing to be wearing my pink Crouching Mauer, Hitting Dragon shirt when he was neither crouching nor hitting today.
Dearest Twins - Please please please never have a Sucking contest again when I am using my hard earned vacation time to spend an afternoon with you. If you must have a sucking contest, please do it when you are either so far ahead in the division that you can throw away a few games, or so far behind that we won't care so much.
Love, Jaguar
Posted by: Jaguar at August 2, 2006 08:52 PMWell, Tyner did have some poor offense, but apparently he kept forgetting about the sucking contest in the field. I mean, c'mon, he could've jumped for that home run ball and let it drop out of his glove, or not caught that foul ball but instead ran into the wall and given himself a concussion. Better luck next time, Assassin.
Posted by: Just Beth at August 2, 2006 08:53 PMYeah, what bubblemint said. :D
Posted by: infield at August 2, 2006 09:19 PMYeah, NOW what we need is a "By how much can we continue the Landed Gentry's sucking streak?" contest.
... Are visiting team's BPs open to the public?
Posted by: Packerchu at August 2, 2006 09:27 PMfunny, I thought it was a ground into double play contest.
Posted by: grace at August 2, 2006 09:38 PMThat was an ugly game, and boy, did they all want to win that contest! They were sure giving it there best efforts.
Just a little distruat lately about the lovely Joe Mauer. He has been hitting as well as a few weeks ago. He still has the best average, I know, but he seems to be doing a lot of cooling down.
Posted by: L.H. girl at August 2, 2006 10:30 PM*distraut- I think, I don't know I suck at spelling*
And *He HASN'T been hitting...*- I think any education I had before summer started has been erased completely.
I'm so relieved there's an explanation for all this. When Gardy's not at the helm and Liriano misses his start, it's amazing what percolates in the minds of the team.
Now that we've gotten all our GIDPs out of our system for the month of August, let's dispense with the ass-bats and take some angst out on the Royals.
Posted by: Carmen at August 2, 2006 10:53 PMSo, from the sounds of it, my two hour final exam was a much less painful way to spend the afternoon...
Posted by: Collegeboy at August 3, 2006 12:14 AMSURELY your spellcheck dictionary has "MAUER" in it by now, RD! And "...ear or drink"? Is the contest still on?
Posted by: dlarso01 at August 3, 2006 07:13 AMdlars01:
That's part of the gag, get it?
Loyally,
YankeeFan
The editor in me has prevailed over the typo-rationalizer and I have posted "Contest," version 1.1
Renting Batgirl's keyboard ain't easy.
Posted by: RonDavis at August 3, 2006 09:24 AMDear Kyle Lohse,
I miss you. Perhaps you could have pitched better against Texas.
Dear Carlos Silva,
At least you pitched well.
D-L
Posted by: Donnalove at August 3, 2006 09:26 AMTypos aside, I really enjoyed this post, RD. It reminded me of the entry from last fall, when all the pitchers decided to "trucking buck," which is my all-time favorite. Good job!
The game had me in a foul mood all day yesterday. Maybe it was a great sucking purge, and everything will be peachy again now. Hey, all they have to do is sweep 4 games on the road, and they're right back on pace to win 96. Easy, right?
Posted by: neckrolls at August 3, 2006 10:41 AMIt's been a long time since Carlos Silva was the highlight of a series. Maybe Gardy's contagious and they're all sick.
If we stink it up like this in Kansas City, I'm spending the weekend in my darkened house with a case of Bud and a box of Kleenex, muttering "my precious, where is my precious? They tooks it, nasty Rangerses." And don't nobody want to see that!
Posted by: smaki at August 3, 2006 10:44 AMHas anyone considered that maybe the pitchers are getting revenge for Silva not getting BOD on Monday?
Posted by: Gus at August 3, 2006 10:57 AMMay our lack of ability to not capitalize when we had ALL the momentum not cost us this season.
Thank you, Kazaam, for granting my wish and congrats on your NBA title, by the way.
Posted by: Kelly at August 3, 2006 11:04 AMSad indeed. It's not many series we will win when Silva, Baker and Bonser are the starters. (One thought about Baker, it appears to me like it may be a mental thing getting past a bad thing. He was rolling until an error seeminly shoved him off the tracks. If I am correct, it would be a similar problem to dearest Kyle Lohse, but I think Lohse's problems were exaggerated by his attitude problems. Hopefully it's just a matter of maturing for Baker.)
Anyway, one really realizes how important Liriano is to this team right now. With the normal rotation we never have a series without either Santana or Liriano--without the normal rotation we have... Silva, Baker, and Bonser. Silva, if this last game was a sign of things to come, I will be very, very pleased. I want you to shut down the Royals so we don't have to see smaki pulling a Gollum.
Posted by: hrbekfan at August 3, 2006 11:05 AMSo is it gonna be Mike Smith (WHO????) tonight or Radke. I heard Sid this morning say it would be Smith. Pitchers dropping like flies -- say it aint so!!
BTW -- Sid also said the Twins have "NO" chance of winning the wild card, so I don't put any stock in his quotes, but does anyone know if Radke is up for the game??
Posted by: rotrhed at August 3, 2006 11:55 AMRadke is starting, but Smith is an emergency back-up if Radke falters. If Radke can have a good go Smith will start on Sunday.
Posted by: hrbekfan at August 3, 2006 12:09 PMSid needs to retire. I will just leave it at that.
Posted by: Nora at August 3, 2006 12:15 PMAgreed about Sid. I have never heard a more annoying commentator (except perhaps Mike Max) and I really am astounded with Gardy's willingness to do a show with him. The bluntness of his questions never ceases to astound me. "So, Gardy, the Twins are just awful right now. They can't hit themselves out of a paper bag, and the back end of their rotation looks like it will never be any good in the majors. What do you think about next year?"
Something like that.
Posted by: hrbekfan at August 3, 2006 12:27 PMRD:
Thnx for the explanation--I recorded the game and it sucked so much that my DVR froze and I had to call Comcast...outside of Tyner the team sucked on defense too...
According to MLB.com, Mike Smith (who is slated to go Sunday) appeared in Toronto in 2002 and didnt win a game--this is the emergency 5th starter--why not call up Garza??
Also fellow batlings--dont forget to cast your vote for Morneau for Aaron award--MLB.com only let me vote once--so we all got to pitch in.
DAM
Posted by: DAM-DC Twins Fan at August 3, 2006 01:06 PMDAM, I think most everybody in Twinkiedom agrees with you about Garza. However, I guess I don't want to argue with Ryan when he has made some great decisions about our pitchers in the last few years. I think that Garza has all the stuff and pitches to have a great career in the majors, but right now he is not mixing up his stuff enough to succeed with the Twins right now. After all, Baker and Boof have good minor league track records, but so far it has not translated well. What if Garza comes up and he's not ready yet and gets blasted because he throws nothing but fastballs. That could damage his career worse than if he is taken slowly to ensure that he is ready.
Believe me, I want Garza as much as you, but I think this is in the best interests of Garza and the Twins long-term. (Similar to the Liriano thing. Let's be happy we don't have Chi. Cubs management making decisions for our pitchers!)
Posted by: hrbekfan at August 3, 2006 01:37 PMDear DAM;
The way I understand Garza's situation is that he is not on the 40-man roster, and that someone would have to come off to make room. Perhaps Smith is out of options and can't come off (this is me speculating).
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at August 3, 2006 01:39 PMSid Hartman is useless, worthless, and pointless. He is just one of those "legendary" guys who's been in his position so long, he's untouchable - his rants about how WCCO "got the Twins the new stadium, and now they stab us in the back" were beyond absurd. The guy just lives to mention his good friend George Steinbrenner - are we supposed to be impressed with that, Sid? I'm not.
As for out boys and this pitching debacle...well, we'll just have to see. I'm more concerned about the offense leaving 137 men on base and hitting into 54 double plays in one game, and the defense committing 7 errors an inning; if we keep doing that, it won't matter who's on the hill. We gonna lose.
Posted by: adidasman at August 3, 2006 03:14 PM"Our boys", obviously, not "out boys" This is not a Lance Bass commentary, or an Ozzie Guillen sensitivity training session. Oops.
Posted by: adidasman at August 3, 2006 03:16 PMAnyone who listens/reads Sid Hartman for any reason other than purely for the entertainment value is wasting their time. It's actually a bit sad to see what he's become. Minneapolis deserves better.
Posted by: JimCrikket at August 3, 2006 05:59 PMHuh. I find it rather funny that WCCO is claiming that "they got the Twins the new stadium." The folks on KSTP were pushing pretty hard for the stadium long before there was a possibility of them getting the broadcasting rights.
Posted by: Belle at August 4, 2006 08:54 AM