Tampa Bay at Twins. Twins 7, Devil Rays 2
Everyone knew there was something off about Rondell White this year. In addition to his epic craptitude at the plate, White just didn't seem to be the happy-go-lucky guy the Twins had heard about from his former teammates. Everyone quickly attributed his newfound interpersonal reticence to his troubles at the plate, but the more intuitive players couldn't help but think something was really wrong. "He just seems to be missing a piece of his heart," said Little Nicky Punto, shaking his head.
Try as he might, Punto could not get White to open up. "I'm fine," the slumping DH would mutter. "Nothing to see here." But with every protest, the diminutive utility infielder grew only more suspicious.
"He's just building walls," whispered Punto to Johan Santana.
"He is in construction?"
"No," said Punto. "I mean walls to hide his pain. I mean he's hiding something. I can tell. You know how some people are really smart about things like words and adding and stuff? Well, I've just always had a lot of emotional intelligence. And something is very wrong with Rondell White."
"I see," said Johan. "That is very interesting. I am sorry he is not in construction, as I am building a house for homeless puppies. It is very warm so I am going to take off my shirt. I hope I do not get too sweaty and sun-glistened."
Then, when White left to Cincinnati to get his arm looked at, Punto saw his chance. As soon as White's plane took off, the dwarfish infielder changed into his tiny hero garb and headed for Rondell's apartment to see what he could see. After looking to see that no one was there, he slid head-first under the door--because Little Nicky Punto, Tiny Superhero, can get into places other people cannot--and found himself inside his teammate's home.
"Let's see what I can see," Punto said to himself. He scampered all around the apartment looking for some sign of White's melancholy, but could see nothing unusual. Until he got into the bedroom.
The room was covered with snapshots of a happy-looking White from all over the world—Paris, Milan, Fort Collins, CO, and in all of these pictures White was not alone.
"I think that's a chinchilla!" Punto exclaimed. "He's clearly Rondell's bestest friend in the whole wide world! But where is he now?"
It did not take long to find out. In the back corner of the bedroom on a pedestal was a chinchilla-sized leopard print velvet pillow. And it was empty. And next to it lay a tear-stained note:
Rondell— I have Mr. Fuzzles. If you tell anyone, you'll regret it. If you come for him, I will make him into a thong. --CC
There was another stain on the note, too, and as Punto leaned forward he caught the unmistakable whiff of cheeseburger.
"That bastard!" exclaimed Punto. "No wonder Rondell has climbed new heights on Crap Mountain! CC Sabathia has his pet chinchilla!"
Well, Little Nicky Punto was not going to stand for this, and pretty soon he had mounted the nearest sparrow and set flight for Captain Cheeseburger's lair. Once there,, Punto caught a distinct whiff of cedar chips and headed right toward the smell. What he saw chilled him to his very tiny bones.
In a back room in the evil lair sat row after row of cages all filled with assorted small pets, each labeled with the name of a major leaguer. There was Pudge Rodriguez's Abyssinian guinea pig, Mike Sweeney's fat-tailed gerbil, Ryan Howard's spiny mouse, and the unmistakable stink of Eric Chavez's famous ferret Sancho Panza. And there, in small dark cage in the corner, was Mr. Fuzzles.
"Don't worry, Mr. Fuzzles!" said Punto. "Don't worry Sancho Panza! Don't worry Ryan Howard's spiny mouse, and Mike Sweeney's fat-tailed gerbil! I can get into places other people cannot!"
Soon, all of the small animals were free. Punto mounted Sancho Panza and led them all to freedom, but not before leaving CC Sabathia with something to remember him by in the form of ketchup-flavored laxative. And when Rondell White came back from his rehab assignment, he discovered a very special friend waiting in his locker.
"Mr. Fuzzles!" he gasped, eyes filling with tears. "But how…. But where?"
"I rescued him for you!" Punto exclaimed proudly. "Now you can stop sucking!"
And just like that, Little Nicky cracked the emotional walls Rondell White, and the walls came a-tumbling down. And White began to weep openly and cradle his friend to his chest.
"What about CC?" White whispered through his tears.
"Oh, he won't be bothering us for some time," said Punto with a happy smile.
"How do I ever thank you?"
"Oh, don't worry," said Punto. "If you just stop sucking it will be thanks enough."
And with that, the room filled with happy laughter—White's deep, rich bass and Punto's little squeaking chips. Or maybe that was the chinchilla. Who can say? All we know is that Rondell has his Mr. Fuzzles again, and that Johan Santana is somewhere shirtless and gleaming.
Please note: Batgirl will be out of town and--gasp--computerless until Saturday evening. Jeb will be BODSHC and should be accorded of all the honor and privileges therein.
Posted by Batgirl at July 19, 2006 11:01 PMThat is such a great story. :)
Posted by: Torhu at July 19, 2006 11:34 PMI almost cried.
Thanks BG
I did cry. It was hilarious and touching and fantastic. Thanks BG.
Posted by: Erin at July 19, 2006 11:44 PMThanks for the E! True Twins Territory exclusive on why our DH sucked for so long. Yay for our tiny superhero.
I was just reminded of a little segment they used to play on Sesame Street back in the day (late 80's from what I remember). It featured a character by the name of Teeny Little Super Guy. He was a cup, I believe, and lived in the kitchen. Yes, I don't get enough sleep but I'm not making this up. Google it.
Anyhoo... LNP is our Teeny Little Super Guy.
Posted by: Shelley at July 19, 2006 11:51 PMTwo very evocative images:
Johan shirtless and gleaming
CC in a chinchilla thong
I may not sleep tonight
(and you are not making up tiny-little-super-guy. I remember, too)
Posted by: PJStP at July 20, 2006 12:01 AMi so remember the teeny little super guy! sesame street pretty much rocked my socks off way back when :p
and BG, i laughed so hard i snorted...thanks for totally making my night :)
Posted by: pinkflamingo at July 20, 2006 12:07 AMamazing BG, just amazing. The true reason why Rondell was having problems, but now looks to be all better.
LNP saves the day again (he really needs a theme song at this point)
Posted by: TwinsinBoston at July 20, 2006 12:12 AMYet one more reason to adore Nick Punto! (Like I needed another one.)
Posted by: FordHoiberg at July 20, 2006 12:29 AMMy favorite moment of the game was after Rondell hit his second homer tonight LNP met him at the door to the dugout and gave him another hearty slap on the ass. He had a look on his face like "I know it's wrong, but it just feels so right!".
I love that look.
Posted by: Chuckles at July 20, 2006 12:39 AMBrilliant, BG. Brilliant.
Posted by: ubelmann at July 20, 2006 12:48 AMI, too, almost cried. And I haven't cried in over a year.
I wonder how all those stolen pets actually managed to survive for so long on nothing but cheeseburgers?
Posted by: Spyder44 at July 20, 2006 01:29 AMBatgirl, it is SO unfair of you to distract us from the real point of the story with mentions of a certain shirtless pitcher. But I maanged to get back to the story, and now cheer heartily for aurora's LNP!
Posted by: Just Beth at July 20, 2006 01:37 AM*tear*
Posted by: aurora at July 20, 2006 06:15 AMWhat a beautiful story, sure to be retold each night to BatBabies across Twins Territory for many years to come :)
Posted by: CarrieICL at July 20, 2006 07:10 AM"'I see,' said Johan. 'That is very interesting. I am sorry he is not in construction, as I am building a house for homeless puppies. It is very warm so I am going to take off my shirt. I hope I do not get too sweaty and sun-glistened.'"
I'm sorry, was there more to the post after this? I was a wee bit distracted by the thought of a shirtless and glistening Johan Santana.
Posted by: Rach at July 20, 2006 07:12 AM
Thank you Little Nicky Punto, tiny superhero! Thank you!
I remember "tiny little super guy" ! There was a song. Can't find any lyrics tho'. Unfortunate cuz now I've got just chorus stuck in my head. Playing over and over. Probably all day.
So thanks for that. ;-)
Posted by: jamar1700 at July 20, 2006 07:24 AMOh how I much I heart Little Nicky Punto -
YAY - I get to skip out of work early and go to the game today!
Hmm -Johan shirtless - sigh..............so pretty =)
Much Love
WonderWoman
Sorry to interrupt the love fest for Rondell and Nick here is a fun Q&A with the Chairman =)
http://www.startribune.com/509/story/562755.html
Much Love
Wonder Woman
here's a song for LNP!
The Mighty Mouse theme song!
http://www.wavthis.com/M/MightyMouse.zip
Lyrics
Mister Trouble never hangs around
When he hears this Mighty sound.
"Here I come to save the day"
That means that Mighty Mouse is on his way.
Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right
Mighty Mouse will join the fight.
On the sea or on the land,
He gets the situation well in hand.
Tears just like when Superman first emerged in Superman 1 to rescue Lois. How about making a movie of this rescue? It has all the elements of goodness vs. evil, plus cute animals! Thanks, BG.
Posted by: john r. tunis at July 20, 2006 09:01 AMThis is my favorite episode of LNP, Tiny Superhero, ever. I'm a sucker for small furry animals in distress.
Posted by: Redbird at July 20, 2006 09:14 AMAwesome stuff BG, I'll definetly be in a good mood for the rest of the day- and try to follow in LNP's heroic actions!!
A shirtless, glistening Santana helping homeless puppies... kinda makes you want a dog.
Posted by: L.H. girl at July 20, 2006 09:24 AMDear Shelley, et al.--
http://members.tripod.com/tiny_dancer/teeny.html
or click my name for some You Tube brilliance.
I so totally want a toy Mr Fuzzles of my own.
Posted by: WC at July 20, 2006 09:26 AMI don't mean to be cruel, but could LNP maybe just leave Pudge's pet at the nearest Abyssinian guineau pig rescue, where he will find a wonderful new friend? Because we really don't need the Tigers to be getting any better than they already are.
Posted by: Word Smith at July 20, 2006 09:31 AMThanks for the link Wonder Woman! I heart the Chairman. He seems really laid back, and at times a little annoyed with all the press... he just wants to be a regular guy sometimes, but then people come up and ask him a stupid question like: "Do you think you can bake a delicious cake with only 4 ingredients and no recipe?"
Posted by: L.H. girl at July 20, 2006 09:35 AMNick Punto is the reason I love being a Twins fan. It seems there is always at least one guy on this team who just defies all the odds and plays better than he has any business playing; the latest incarnation is our Tiny Superhero. He's like Denny Hocking, except more talented, quicker, and much less irritating. (But then, short of "Hawk" Harrelson and Oprah, who isn't less irritating than Denny Hocking?)
Posted by: adidasman at July 20, 2006 09:40 AMI love how C.C. is becoming the new Darth Thomas. The Central Division needs a supervillain. Other than Ozzie, of course. You need to actually take somebody seriously for them to be a supervillain.
Posted by: Andre at July 20, 2006 09:52 AMOzzie is the Emperor; CC is Darth Cheeseburger.
AJ can be Greedo.
Posted by: Kris at July 20, 2006 09:59 AMAs I sat in wonderful seats on the third baseline last night, I saw Nicky up close and personal and he kind of glows out there. It's so adorable. He is also in fact, very tiny.
I knew he was doing well, but as I looked up and saw the .316 I exclaimed "Look at that! Almost 200 at bats and the little sh*t is hitting .316, who knew?" I do mean "little sh*t" in the most endearing way of course.
Posted by: HooliganKat at July 20, 2006 10:16 AMToo funny! I laughed out loud, goshdarnit.
adidasman-- You're so right about Hocking. When they had him on with Dick & Bert during the west coast trip, I ended up muting the TV after a half inning and turning on WCCO. All I'm saying is that a little Denny Hocking goes a long way.
My favorite utility infielder for the Twins prior to Nicky Punto was/is Al Newman.
Posted by: Laurel Krahn at July 20, 2006 10:20 AM"You can't tell a hero by his size
I'm just a little teeny super guy"
That song is screaming to be adapted. Someone make it happen!
Posted by: jenninseattle at July 20, 2006 10:26 AMGreat writing, as usual. You're a genius Batgirl! I'm totally buying your close personal friend's book.
PS: Who's Boba Fett? Thome?
Posted by: neckrolls at July 20, 2006 10:39 AMI think I see CC a bit more as Jabba the Hutt, for obvious reasons.
Posted by: adidasman at July 20, 2006 10:44 AMBG, add me to the list of those who cried at this beautiful, heartfelt tale of woe turned to wonder. If you have to take a break, leaving us with this bit of loveliness will get us through a day or two.
Posted by: AT at July 20, 2006 10:50 AMI also had some tears. Sad, beautiful. All in one.
Posted by: Stacy at July 20, 2006 11:02 AMI've loved LNP ever since he's been able to share his scrappiness with the audience of Twinsfans. Even after a friend of mine shared that his name sounds uncannily like a not-nice word in Spanish, I still get tingles when he comes up to bat. "Maybe LNP will slide head-first into first base" I whisper. "Then Gardy will reprimand him, but Punto won't care, LNP will just hug Gardy and giggle and skip away to share his scrappiness with the rest of the world." That's why I am sad that I do not have cable, and could not hear his...ahem..."emotional intelligence" shared with Twinsfans in all his humorous glory. So I send out a plea to all Batfans - did anyone actually record the game from Tuesday night? And would they be willing to share a copy with me? I'll compensate you accordingly...
Posted by: Beth at July 20, 2006 12:30 PMThanks WonderWoman for that interview with JoJo. He is just too cute. I need to find me a copy of him "wearing glasses while stretching out in a hammock"
Posted by: californiamaki at July 20, 2006 04:24 PMTeeny little super guy
Pops right up before your eye
He's no bigger than your thumb
Snap your fingers, here I come
(Now, stop me if you've heard this one...)
Don't look in the sky
Don't look in the sea
He's inside of you and me
(Did I ever tell you about the time...)
You can't tell a hero by his size
I'm just a teeny little super guy.
(Oh, yeahhh....)
There. Now somebody more clever than I'm feeling at the moment needs to go ahead and Punto-fy it. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who kept thinking of it!
(And yeah, I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I can remember the whole song, too. But you just never know when Sesame Street will come in handy...!)
Posted by: nokomikon at July 20, 2006 09:43 PM"He's just building walls," whispered Punto to Johan Santana.
"He is in construction?"
I was imagining that in Legovision as I read it.
Capt. Cheeseburger in any thong is DISTURBING.
Posted by: Packerchu at July 20, 2006 11:15 PM"I do mean 'little sh*t' in the most endearing way of course."
I thought my family was the only one that used that term as a loving one.
Awesome post Batgirl!
*applauds for nokomikon*
But can you remember what you had for lunch yesterday?
*g*
Posted by: jamar1700 at July 21, 2006 01:21 PMSame goes for me, Beth! I'd dearly love to hear Punto all mic'ed (not 'miced,' right, hrunting?) up. I've heard such great things about it that I would be very willing to compensate anyone with the ability to supply me with a copy. Feel free to email me with offers/ideas!
Posted by: FH at July 21, 2006 02:13 PMA possible Mighty Mouse rewrite:
Nicky Punto sweeps down like a bird
On a ball hit well toward third
"Here I come to save the day!"
That mean LNP is on his way.
Yes sir, when there is a runner on,
LNP will show his mighty brawn.
"Sit down, bitch, you stink!" he trills,
He throws the bad guys out with ninja skills.
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