Mariners at Twins. Twins 7, Mariners 3.
Last Wednesday during the Twins' 14 inning marathon against Seattle, (oh! It seemed a marathon then, didn't it? How naïve we were then! What babes in the extra inning woods!) when they were trying to salvage a game from the last place Mariners, when they were trying to leave SafeCo with some shred of the last pathetic remnants of their tattered dignity before they faced the obstreperous Athletics and the nefarious Bitch Sox, when it seemed we had not scored a single run since the All-Star Break and might sink below .500, Batgirl took a bold, and some might say slightly eccentric step—she prayed to Tony Gwynn.
And Tony Gwynn, in his infinite wisdom, in his omniscience and omnipotence and omnivorousness, chose to hear Batgirl's prayer—yes, my friends, he heard and he answered, and the offense exploded and the Twins won the game.
Now, Batgirl thought that that was it, that Tony Gwynn had granted his grace on her and on the Twins for one glorious night. She had not asked for anything else...no, she did not dare to expect anything else! The Twins, surely, would be on their own from now on, raging, raging, against the dying of the light—
But, no, my friends. I am here to testify. I am here to tell you when you ask something of Tony Gwynn, well, he answers. A lot. For that cold dark night in Seattle, Tony Gwynn looked down (or, probably up) at the Twins, he saw them, and he said, "That's good." And he said, "Let there be an end to the Sucking Time." And he said, "Let there be Brent Abernathy, let there Joe Mauer, let there be—oh yes—let there be Johan Santana." And he waved his wand and said, "Let there be winning. Let there be joy and rejoicing in Twins land."
And there was. And it was good.
My dears, since that game in Seattle, the Minnesota Twins have won seven of their last eight games, and have gone from eight games back in the wild card to—are you ready? Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Because you want to be sitting down for this—three and a half.
I know what you are saying, for Batgirl says it to. You stare at the computer and you tilt your head and you say, "Three and a half? Why, that doesn't sound like a lot. That sounds almost, well, doable."
And I am here to tell you that it is.
The Twins cannot do it alone, of course. They need the Angels to kick the holy crap out of the Athletics—or vice versa, Batgirl does not care—and the Yankees to perform with their usual grace and aplomb against the freakin' Devil Rays. They need Toronto to remember they are Toronto, and for the Bitch Sox to conduct themselves the way they usually do in August and September (Good start, guys!). But they need more than that my darlings-- they need Tony Gwynn. So I want you to get out your Tony Gwynn baseball cards, your bobbleheads—both mini and regular-sized, your Tony Gwynn posters and commemorative Tony Gwynn Dairy Queen Blizzard cups, your Tony Gwynn mobiles, your Tony Gywnn thongs; I want you to take all of these things and put them in a prominent place—no, no, not there, a dignified one, please—and every time you pass this place, I want you to stop and bless Tony Gwynn for all he has given us.
The power of Tony Gwynn compels you.
*frantically searches for all Tony Gwynn baseball cards*
I know I only have like a few dozen of them.
Posted by: Karl at August 18, 2005 10:52 PMIt appears I have a Chris Gwynn card too, does it count in any sort of way?
like, a sub-deity of some sorts?
Posted by: Karl at August 18, 2005 10:53 PMhooray for Tony Gwynn!
Tony Gwynn is a just and loyal... um... baseball... guardian angel?
Posted by: kafumbly at August 18, 2005 11:01 PMI used to have a couple of Tony Gwynn rookie cards (back when there was really only one brand of baseball cards, so it meant something). I wonder whatever happened to 'em. Somewhere at my mom's house, I suppose.
I wonder what the populace of San Diego thinks about this? Nevermind, I need to find some Gwynn paraphenalia...
Posted by: mk at August 18, 2005 11:29 PMTony Gywnn's Prayer
Our Padre,
Who art most likely at Wendy's,
Anthony be thy name.
Thy 3000th come.
Thy eight titles won,
In Cooperstown as it is in San Diego.
Give us this day no man left in scoring position.
And forgive not Selig for '94,
As we forgive him not for '01.
And lead us not into ass-battery,
But deliver us from sucking.
For thine is the Series,
And the mojo,
And the average,
For ever and ever.
AMEN
Posted by: TwinsFoghorn at August 18, 2005 11:37 PMIt must be late at night if I can't stop giggling at the Tony 'Tinkerbell' Gwynn image.
Posted by: Andrew at August 19, 2005 12:17 AMI have a Padres t-shirt - does that count?? And somewhere I have a little Padres helmet - the kind you got the sundae in.
I have to give a pat on the back to Joe Mays- I know it didn't look good at the start - neither did the strike zone -he did all right after he gave up the game tying homerun - well he had some nice defense behind him too - but ya know it could have been worse. You know - looking at the glass as half full - that's all =)
Much love
Wonder Woman
Mr./Ms. Foghorn-
Beautiful, simply beautiful.
To all--the amazing Twins did it again. I was there and I just knew they would, even when we were tied, it would only be a matter of time. It was so breezy to be sipping that $6 beer in the stands and feeling confident of victory. Love to all the Twins and batlings. It is a fine, fine August, 2005.
cheers, kal
Posted by: kal at August 19, 2005 12:43 AMI believe King Felix pitches on Saturday.... other than that I wish the Twins all the luck in the world.
If the Twins make it to the post season I will be rooting for them!
_____________________
LOVE "Tony Gywnn's Prayer"
Does Tony Gwynn in a Hawai'i Islanders uniform count? (Hey, your Twins are in the other league, so a Dodgers fan can hope for a repeat of the 1965 Series, right?)
http://linkmeister.com/islanders/islimages.htm
Posted by: Linkmeister at August 19, 2005 01:50 AMTony Gwynn prayer is a true masterpiece. Way to go Foghorn.
(Batgirl's post was super as usual. Bu that's as much of a given as a DQ Blizzard going down smooth on a hot August night.)
Posted by: Moe at August 19, 2005 04:58 AMFoghorn: that was AMAZING!
BG the Tonybell picture is some of your best work all season. Thats amazing. Since I don't have any TG stuff, I am going to have to print that picture out and put it above my computer monitor, watching over the mlb.tv feed.
Wow, we just keep rolling, even with Lew's "stolen base" last night (one of the best Lew moments all year). While two weeks ago I was in the camp of those eagerly awaiting the NHL season, the Twins have made me realize that baseball is fun again. Lets keep it going. October or Bust!!
Posted by: TwinsinBoston at August 19, 2005 07:28 AMBatgirl, I need some spiritual guidance. The Bitch Sox will soon be playing the Yankees. What in the name of St. Tony are we supposed to root for!?!?
Root for the Yankees (shudder) and hold out hope for a total Bitch Sox collapse?
Root for the Bitch Sox (Big shudder) to aid us in our wild card quest?
Root for marathon extra inning games to burn up their bull pens?
Please help me out here fellow batlings ...
I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. Oh St. Tony please don't let me be misundersood.
Brilliant, again, Batgirl! And, Foghorn, I'm still giggling.
Posted by: Just Beth at August 19, 2005 08:07 AMBG -- Awesome.
Foghorn -- Awesome.
*searches for anything, anything of Tony Gwynn's*
Posted by: CarrieICL at August 19, 2005 08:16 AMFoghorn = genius.
Posted by: Florida at August 19, 2005 08:57 AMMay Tony Gwynn bless the Twins and may he also bless America. Tony Gwynn bless America!!!
Posted by: metsfan at August 19, 2005 09:01 AMAmen Foghorn, AMEN!
I have to admit, lately I've been praying to Tony every night before bed. He does hear your prayers and answers them too.
Posted by: HooliganKat at August 19, 2005 09:01 AMUpon further review I think "Our Padre" should go into some sort of Batgirl comment hall of fame.
Posted by: Moe at August 19, 2005 09:13 AMBG: Can I get an AMEN! from the congregation!
Twins Nation: AMEN!
So, can I say "I'm on a mission from Tony Gwinn." now?
Posted by: paco3791 at August 19, 2005 09:29 AMThis is all very funny... as long as this doesn't spawn WWTGD? T-shirts.
Moe - Faced with a similar dilemma on a grander scale, I must say root for the Yankees. I rooted for the Mets in the 1986 World Series (no easy feat, mind you) because you can never EVER root for your division rival. Consider this: if the Yankees were to win another World Series, how would you feel? Now how would you feel if the Bitch Sox won it all?
In fact, I think you should be SO in favor of a Yankees win that you should send a couple of pitchers (in disguise of course) to pitch for us this weekend... pretty please? We'll give them back Monday I promise!
Pleadilngly yours,
YankeeFan
sure, you can have JC Romero! :-P
Posted by: kafumbly at August 19, 2005 09:49 AMNo T-shirts, YF. What with all the 'boyfriend' and 'nonsexual mancrush' shirts already being worn by so many Batlings.
Ah, but WWTGD bracelets! Now we're on to something.
JC
Posted by: JimCrikket at August 19, 2005 09:53 AMYF:
How bout Lyle? He's out of a job now that Kyle's been able to banish him from the Twins clubhouse. You could have OMM too.
I def agree with you too on who to root for this weekend too. The yankees, for the first time that I can remember, occupy the status of lesser of two evils (barely). I lift my glass in hopes of two 14 inning games and a hitters duel similar to game 3 of the ALCS.
Posted by: TwinsinBoston at August 19, 2005 10:29 AMDear YankeeFan,
Batgirl has to agree. It would be really, really fun if the Bitch Sox kept losing.
Sincerely,
BG
I don't have any Tony Gwynn cards, but I have an Ozzie Smith one from when he was a Padre. It wouldn't help much with the offense, though -- maybe he could be patron saint of small and amazing infielders?
Posted by: Redbird at August 19, 2005 10:56 AM"Consider this: if the Yankees were to win another World Series, how would you feel? Now how would you feel if the Bitch Sox won it all?"
--What an excellent way to put it, YF. That certainly does help me decide.
Posted by: wildchild at August 19, 2005 01:02 PMall-
am I going to loose my BG access?? Ultimately I am of the ANY TEAM BUT THE EVIL EMPIRE side re: World Series Champ. Now I am 100% behind whatever helps our cause to get to post season, be it Bitch Sox wins or losses or Yankees wins/losses. I want that NY team to not even make it to the playoffs. They can play golf and watch someone else on tv. Now don't get me wrong--I have no regard for those B.Sox but if Ihad to choose one of them--easy.
Go Twins--the only team that matters right now.
kal
Posted by: kal at August 19, 2005 07:25 PMDear Ms. Kal,
The only thing that would cause anyone to lose her BG access is trolling, insulting other posters, or revealing anything that happens in Harry Potter #6 before Batgirl finishes it.
Sincerely,
BG
yankeefan -
I'm with kal on this one. Besides, I want to beat the bitch sox in the playoffs to cause them as much pain and suffering as possible. Look how badly the redsox embarassed the yankees in the ALCS last year... why can't we do that too?
nice try, but I will not root for the yankees. If it makes you feel any better, I have no desire to see the red sox make the playoffs either.
Posted by: Bob at August 19, 2005 09:17 PMNo mention of the Indians?
It's as if we weren't even ahead of you by a game.
Wanker.
Posted by: Alex at August 20, 2005 12:57 AMDear Mr. Alex,
Oh, yes. Forgive Batgirl. You guys lose too.
Sincerely,
BG
P.S. Technically, I don't think girls can be wankers.
Posted by: Batgirl at August 20, 2005 10:37 AM