Twins at Seattle. Twins 7, Mariners 3. (14 innings, 4.75 hours.)
Oh, my friends.
Batgirl is under the weather, possibly because of a bad bag of Big League Chew. The chew itself was green around the edges, but BG thought that was a sour apple flavor. BG is very fond of sour apple flavors, especially when they come in the form of appletinis, which are even better than DQ Blizzards, under certain circumstances. For while you can not down five or six Blizzards after a soul-suckingly depressing night of baseball, a few appletinis really takes the edge off, and pretty soon you might not remember that the Twins were shut down by Joel Pineiro, who only avoided a trip to the minors by the grace of Ryan Franklin's wee little steroid suspension. (Curiously, Pineiro was seen giving Franklin a Strawberry Cheesequake Blizzard just before the suspension. Could it have had some extra flavoring? The Stanazalol makes it go down easier.)
But BG digresses. The Big League Chew didn't really taste like green apple—it tasted a little more like some combination of Brillo pad and elastic death, but Batgirl, well, she kept chewing in hopes that a delicious green apple flavor would come out.
Naïve? Possibly. Stupid? Most likely. Fatal? Potentially. But sometimes, when faced with a giant bag full of cadaver-flavored chewing gum—despite all evidence that you should put on a yellow chemical suit and stick the thing in a biohazard waste can and call the special biohazard guys and have them take it far, far, away—you just open the pack and start chewing away.
And sometimes, when faced with a baseball team who couldn't hit BatMom toked up on catnip, when you know that each game is going to be an exercise in cadaver-flavored agony, when you can only watch in horror as the .500 mark approaches like a great big donkey toot, you just sit down in front of the TV at game time, open the bag, and start chewing.
The thing with Big League Chew is it takes a really, really long time to get through a bag, even one that hasn't turned, especially when it's a west coast game, and as you near the end, your jaw hurts and you begin to hallucinate slightly, and then it's not even the end because the bag magically replenishes itself and you just keep on chewing, even though it Hurts. So. Bad. and then you hallucinate even more and when you’re hallucinating you see Kent Hrbek who floats in on his magic potato and spreads love and good cheer and cheeseburgers and fishing lures wherever he goes, and you say, "Hrbie, honey, my jaw is sore and my teeth are rotting out and my tummy don't feel so good and I don't have any feeling in the left side of my body and I think I've been poisoned and maybe I'm chewing on shredded corpse, plus we only have Mike Redmond on the bench and Matt LeCroy is just trying to hurt me, I mean you don't strand that many runners on base in one night unless it's personal, and whatever I did I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, just please can we win this game so I can go to bed?"
And Kent Hrbek looks down from his giant potato and shakes his head and says, "Dude, Batgirl, what the hell's in that Big League Chew?" Then he floats away, singing Chacarron in a falsetto.
Then it's the 14th inning, you've chewed on just about the whole ass-bag, your mouth tastes like foot, you're upchucking up, down, and all over the town, you're dehydrated and you're pretty sure you're going to die soon, and you turn your head up to the heavens and you pray.
Batgirl did. No, she did not pray to God, but rather she prayed to Tony Gwynn. Because humanity is divided over the existence of God, but everybody knows there's a Tony Gwynn. And he is beneficent and omnipotent. And so Batgirl says, "Please Tony Gwynn, let us win this game. Please. Please?"
And then Batgirl takes one more bite of shredded ass-gum and something amazing happens, something truly remarkable, something which can only be ascribed to the wonder that is Tony Gwynn.
She tastes green apple.
Was it real? Another hallucination? BG doesn't know, but damn it tasted good.
Tony Gwynn beneficient and omnipotent? Are you going all L. Ron Hubbard on us and starting your own religion Batgirl? The First church of Tony, or perhaps even Gwynnology?
Too many questions. But at least the Twins allowed me to go to bed happy.
sadgoatboy
thank you, Tony Gwynn! thank you!
thank you.
and thank you, Batgirl.
Posted by: kafumbly at August 11, 2005 02:05 AMWhat a wonderful comeback victory.
It is unfortunate that it took BG downing an entire bag full of Soylent Green (I've emailed Elias and I think that may be a record) to change the Twins' fortunes just when things looked their bleakest.
But come October, I think everyone will look back in awe and recall with dewy, lewy eyes the time when Batgirl took one for the team...
Posted by: kojak at August 11, 2005 02:24 AMIf I wore a tin foil hat I might start connecting the dots here.
Fidel Castro --> Grassy Knoll --> Cattle Mutilation --> Free Masons --> Big League Chew --> Kent Herbek on a floating potato --> Bat Kitty #1 tests positive
And in other news...
Mike Lowell. Seems like he'd fit in around here. Mike pulled off his second hidden ball trick in a year.
http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/gameday_recap.jsp?ymd=20050810&content_id=1165621&vkey=recap&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb
(click name also)
I still haven't entirely decided how I would have scored it. I suppose it would be 7-5-DP or 7-5-CS-DP but it feels like it deserves its own notation.
Wow. That must have been some potent Out of Body Experience™...
Posted by: mk at August 11, 2005 03:03 AMThe last half of the that post should have gone to the Cave. Its late. Won't happen again.
Posted by: TwinsFoghorn at August 11, 2005 03:06 AMGame: Classic.
Post: Classic.
Kent Hrbek on a flying potato: Freakin' HILARIOUS!
Posted by: Candace at August 11, 2005 03:39 AM"Fidel Castro --> Grassy Knoll --> Cattle Mutilation --> Free Masons --> Big League Chew --> Kent Herbek on a floating potato --> Bat Kitty #1 tests positive"
---------------------
Don't forget Jim Bouton, controversial author of "Ball Four" and inventor of Big League Chew.
Posted by: frightwig at August 11, 2005 04:43 AMIs Tony Gwynn the only top player of the past 15 years we can be 100% sure never took steroids?
Posted by: Dan in London at August 11, 2005 06:25 AMThank you for taking one for the team, Batgirl! All those hours of waiting anxiously while the Slowest Pitchers in the World (tm) stood on the mound and intentionally walked Joe Mauer.
Posted by: Just Beth at August 11, 2005 08:28 AM*puts on foil hat*
Posted by: Skorch at August 11, 2005 08:30 AMI'm sure it was painful and ugly but whatever the price, the outcome was worth it. I think it would be wise if we all ran out today or tomorrow to get a few bags of Ass Flavored Big League Chew to prepare for the upcoming A's and Bitch Sox matchups.
Thanks for finding the cosmic spark the team needed, BG. You have not upchecked in vain, dear girl.
By the way, I thought Tony had kids. Is this a recent problem he has had? And don't you almost HAVE to be beneficent if you can't perform in the bedroom?
Keep up the great work BG!
Posted by: SDave at August 11, 2005 09:15 AMDear Batgirl:
We appreciate your devotion. I hope the Twins do too.
Now rest up today. It was a long night.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at August 11, 2005 09:30 AMThe "appletini" is an abombination before the lord. For it is write in the apocryphal book of Bartholomew the Bartender:
"Ay, the Lord spake, and he ordered a drink. 'Bring me a martini, my child, said he. 'And make sure it's dry and cold, and make sure it's made with good gin. For you will have no -tinis that are not predicated by mar-, nor shall you put a prefix referring to fruit, candy, or other sweets, for the gin shall remain sharp and unfettered, and to add to to conical glass a melon liqueur or triple-sec or schnaaps would be as a slap in my face, and you shall not come to me with Vodka, for the gin must be Bombay and the gin must be Sapphire and the gin must be gin, and mix it dry, and put in three olives, and make sure it's cold, and hurry up about it.'"
I don't like to prosletyze in somebody's blog, Bat-Girl, but I fear for your very soul.
Posted by: Kurtis at August 11, 2005 09:35 AMSo, the inning that kills us is the first inning. But it turns out we DO have a good inning. The 14th!
Posted by: Ryan at August 11, 2005 10:24 AMI'm going to burn in the flames of eternity for I cannot drink a gin martini or eat ass-flavored Big League Chew without serious physical damage occuring. Both edificational impairments are due to bad experiences in my misguided youthful days. Althought BG's recent accounts of her BLC cause me to reconsider the risk/benefit factor of my previous decision.
Posted by: JaerBesan at August 11, 2005 10:26 AMSDAVE -
Uh Tony does have a son - I think he was even drafted by the Padres - that I could be wrong about but the Padres part I know for sure he has a son.
What would make you think Tony Gwynn had a problem - I saw nothing in batgirl's write up - maybe I'm tired and I missed something.
Yes -I think Tony is the only one we can say that didn't take anything - I was quite sad at never getting to see him play in person.
Now I'm going to hide in a corner and take a nap
Lovely day all -
much love
Wonder Woman
Dear Ms. Woman,
I believe Mr. Dave was referring to Tony's "omnipotence."
Yours,
BG
Sorry Wonder Woman...I guess I had the words omnipotent and impotent a little mixed up. In a related item - I used to think I was bilingual since I could throw with either arm.
I will try to remember to attach a smilie of some sort when I bring out my very dry attempts at humor.
Posted by: SDave at August 11, 2005 10:58 AMDearest Batgirl -
I thought that might be it - but I didn't want to assume - thank you -
Ok- someone found me hiding and woke me up =)
Much love
Wonder Woman
Dearest SDAVE -
No harm - no foul - it's hard to do that without the accompanying (sp)laugh track - and I was up late =)
and LOL - too funny - bilingual - heehee
much love
Wonder Woman
Why pray to a Padre? Why not pray to , say, Harmon Killebrew? Or is his existence in dispute? :-)
Posted by: Mark at August 11, 2005 11:29 AMI'm even older than OMM so around the seventh inning I muttered, "Nothing is anywhere simply present or absent", and went to bed. Thank goodness Batgirl was able to stay awake until the end of the game. They'd probably still be playing but for the appeal to Tony Gwynn.
Kurtis, what you said about martinis - Amen, Amen,Amen.
Posted by: Attyfan at August 11, 2005 11:48 AMPriceless BG. That was indeed a bizarre exercise of a game.
Oh, and let it be known, that game was so long, that today's replay on FSN started at the 7th inning ;)
Posted by: Torhu at August 11, 2005 12:08 PMInteresting stuff from the Strib:
• Michael Cuddyer, who had been out since Sunday because of a strained right knee, started the Twins' ninth-inning rally with a two-out, pinch-hit single off Guardado. Gardenhire said Cuddyer would be back in the starting lineup Friday in Oakland, barring a setback.
• Bret Boone, who was released by the Twins on Aug. 1, placed a call to Nick Punto on Wednesday. Boone has yet to latch on with another team, and he apparently was calling from the golf course.
• Juan Castro left Wednesday's game in the 10th inning because of a strained left knee.
Posted by: Torhu at August 11, 2005 12:39 PMI hope for Boone's sake that he's finally found his swing and can once again hit a line drive up the middle. All the same, I'd like to take my chances in a match play round with him for a couple of bucks.
Posted by: JimCrikket at August 11, 2005 01:51 PMMaybe it's easier when the ball isn't moving. Then again, having played golf, maybe it isn't.
Posted by: Kurtis at August 11, 2005 02:28 PMGreat article on the "Crooked Cap" phenomenon from ESPN's Page 2 (known hangout of Batgirl's close personal friend).
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=lukas/050811
Lists Torii among offenders, but also has a kid coming up with the Red Sox that puts even Captain Cheeseburger to shame.
Posted by: Eric at August 11, 2005 02:45 PMThe kid from the Red Sox is at least partially blind in one eye. He has his hat sideways so he can see.
Posted by: metsfan at August 11, 2005 03:34 PMThat's sad when ever Yankee is forced to shave...except for the Bit Unit.
Or has he? I really haven't noticed...
Posted by: Torhu at August 11, 2005 06:18 PMBig Unit was forced to shave. I think he shaved off his eyebrows, too. Or maybe he just doesn't have eyebrows. It's freaky, either way.
Posted by: CarrieICL at August 11, 2005 06:23 PMFor the record, appletinis are a good, happy thing. They taste so much better than the standard martini, which I like only because of its sophisticated look.
This is one of probably fewer than 10 times in my life I haven't stayed up to watch the end of a close Twins game. Maybe I should start doing that more often.
Posted by: Nick at August 11, 2005 08:12 PM