Now, my dears, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm so sorry to be the one to break it to you. Are you sitting down? Really? Good. Do you have a box of Kleenex? And some Ambiorix? You do? Well, then--there's no choice but to be out with it. Kris and Anna: Kaput.
I'm sorry. Are you okay? I know, I know, if those two kids can't work it out, what chance do schmucks like us have in this messed-up world, huh?
To help ease your pain, a few items:
From Deadspin: George Brett's Bloopers and Practical Jokes
From McSweeneys: Steroids: The Musical
And finally: Talking Cats.
BatBusiness: Batgirl is closing in on a place to meet to watch the game on Tuesday and will post as soon as possible, though she is still taking suggestions of a good centrally located place. Why Batgirl, you ask. What's wrong with the Bulldog? We've enjoyed many lovely games at the Bulldog. Well, I'll tell you. The Bulldog owner won't have the volume on for anything but Vikings games.
But Batgirl, you say. Surely you told them you'd be bringing two to four dozen people into their fine establishment, didn't you? And surely that would be incentive enough to be a little flexible, n'est-ce pas? And I say, Oui! Oui! I did! I did tell them about all the customers and all the eating and the drinking and the money being exchanged for goods and services. And they said we don't care, we hate you Batgirl, and your stupid ass face.
So, there you go.
It's like the Twins don't even care about my needs. We could have had Dennys Sampler Reyes on the team. Dennys Sampler Reyes! On my team! Oh, just think of all the fun we could have had together. All the Moon over My Hammy jokes! And--oh--the Grand Slams! Every time he gave up a grand slam we could call it different things, like the All-American Slam, or the Lumberjack Slam, or the Oh, God, My Eyes, My Eyes Grand Slam! Wouldn't that have been fun?
But no. They had to go and cut him. Who do we have in his place, Willie Eyre? See, let me explain something to you--Dennys Reyes is a chunky fellow AND he has a name that looks like that of a tacky artery-busting mega-food chain. That's funny. I can do something with that. Willie Eyre? Name me one funny thing about Willie Eyre. One. Now I can't make any Dennys jokes at all.
And no, Glen Perkins just doesn't cut it.
What happens to a dream deferr'd?
Does it dry up?
like a Raisin in the Sun...?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Secure in Their Pitching, the Twins Look for Better Bats.
Dear Batgirl,
How can TC bear be in Florida and simultaneously be teaching young children how to read at Marshall Field's Southdale?
Sincerely,
Donnalove
Dear Ms. Love,
This is an excellent question. I am sure there are some people who might try to convince you that TC is just a guy in a bear suit, like mall Santas without the whiskey-breath, but those people are clearly very, very stupid. The real answer is that, like Saddam Hussein, TC has employed a series of body doubles. It makes sense. A bear of his stature is going to face all sorts of threats, from kidnapping to assassination to wild bee attack. Just think of what might happen if someone (I'm looking at you, Buerhle) put TC under some kind of bear hypnosis and convinced him that Johan Santana was a big jar of honey! In other words, you can never know which TC Bear is the real one. If you study the pictures below you'll notice subtle differences in TC's appearance:
Scary, isn't it?
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Wally Pipped? No, Trevor Plouffed.
El Presidente buys some votes for the '08 campaign.
On Idiots Write About Sports, Phillip Michaels runs the MLB teamsthrough Babelfish. The results may shock you.
Carlos Silva: Silenced! (Scroll down.)
And finally, Aaron Gleeman gets some mad props.
EDIT Carew, Molitor, Oliva: The Art of Hitting.
Batgirl would dearly like to credit the person who sent her these pictures through a photo website, but she has no idea who that is. So, thank you anonymous person with fab spring training tickets!
EDIT They're from Ilk! Ilk the friendly Bitch Sox fan! Thank you Ilk!
Beau Kemp shows his rookie stuff.
Big ass dugout.
Down the middle
Lohse deals.
No, really! There is a team in Tampa Bay!
Dude, that was the wrong bathroom...
I'm not wearing anything underneath the bear suit.
Now, this is how we throw in ninnyland!
BG would love to watch the opening day game with a crowd of Batlings, but she fears we may be straining the Bulldog's capacity. Does anyone have any suggestions of centrally located sports bars with good capacity?
For your spring reading lists: Batgirl highly recommends the new Baseball in Minnesota by Stew Thornley. It's a wonderful, detailed, fascinated history of, well, baseball in Minnesota from the 1800s to now, and it's got the President on the cover! There's a signing party for the book on April 6 at Mill City Museum that should be bitchin'.
Also, one of the best writers in blogdom, Alex Belth of Bronx Banter, has a new book out: Stepping Up: The Story of All-Star Curt Flood and his Fight for Baseball Player's Rights.
And finally, BG's close personal friend will be reading at the Borders in Coon Rapids on Saturday at 1:00. For more info, and for other readings, please visit the appearance page of the CPF's website.
Dear Batgirl,
This from Wikipedia:
"Suzyn Waldman is an American sports broadcaster. Starting with the 2005 season, she has been the color commentator for New York Yankees baseball, working with John Sterling on radio broadcasts for WCBS-AM in New York City."
Question: Should girls be allowed to broadcast major league baseball games?
With esteem,
Eric H.
Dear Mr. H.,
Absolutely not. This is a travesty. Chicks don't know anything about baseball. I'm sure she'll talk mostly about how hot they all look in their tight pants.
Except maybe Giambi, who looks pretty ridiculous.
Sincerely,
BG
SG at YankeeFan Blog (not OUR YankeeFan, alas) crunches the numbers and finds that the TWINS WILL HAVE ULTIMATE VICTORY in 2006! ULTIMATE VICTORY IS OURS!
Dear Batgirl,
The White Sox have only won five spring training games so far this year (the fewest of any team). Is this because they are saving their wins for the regular season? Or because they used up all of their wins last year? Or has that whole deal-with-the-devil thing just worn off?
Curiously,
hrunting
Dear Ms.Runting,
This is an excellent question and one that has been troubling Batgirl. While of course spring training means nothing, it's still puzzling. Has the post World Series hangover simply not left them? Did Aaron Rowand enact some sort of horrible miniature curse on them when he left? Or is it the revenge of Buehrle's Soul?
Batgirl would welcome any and all theories, as she is bumfuzzled.
Sincerely, Batgirl
Over the past week, Batgirl has received plenty of pictures from talented and generous correspondents in Fort Myers. Here are a few, for your Monday morning pleasure.
Two weeks 'til baseball.
From insider:
Lew shows off his sexy farmer's tan.
I like it so much better when I don't have pneumonia.
Viva Venezuela!
Put me in coach.
"So then, Harmon, you say 'Nothing is everywhere either present or absent.' Works every time!"
And then from JimCrikket:
That's so Mauer...
How far back do you think that thing goes?
I'm never washing my back again.
"See, this is the proper grip for a sinker."
And Scott S.:
I run like a duck.
I WILL be the boyfriend of the year, I WILL!
Look! Look! Joe! I'm Paul Bunyan!
I hope the VP Tiffles doesn't notice I'm scratching my butt.
In memoriam....
EDIT: The Kirby Puckett memorial will be replayed on FSN at 2am Monday morning.
Batgirl has been remiss in not posting this earlier. Who is the real AJ Pierzynski?
Jacque Jones: Snug as a Cub
Mientkiewicz Gets Comfortable (swiped shamelessly from Aaron, who has a few things to say about it. The wonder is they managed to cut down his interview into a newspaper length-piece.
And Dougie has a few things to say about Joe Mays.
Guzie Injured. (Don't worry, BallWonk, we've seen how well he bounces back from this sort of thing.) And as Guzie goes, so goes Rivas.
Dear Batgirl,
Um, why are we using old helmets in spring training and vented reptile helmets when the season starts? Is it too cold in Florida for vented helmets? I'm also a bit scared that Lew's going to be distracted by the whooshing sound in the helmet when he runs from the dugout to the plate.
--TwinsCubsSeries
Dear Mr. Series,
Oh dear. Batgirl's been so obsessed with the pixie vests she totally missed this asininity. She also blocked out the COOLFLO from the All-Star Game, or never noticed it at all due to being apoplectic about, you know, Fox. And baseball. And how they should never do baseball. Ever.
So here are the helmets.
Certainly reptialian, and almost reptile-alien, like the old skool Cylons or those lizard guys from V. I feel like I might get pregnant with a reptile alien baby just looking at it and then everyone's going to be sorry. They look like Darth Vader's helmet and a real batting helmet got wasted one night and hooked up, and then the batting helmet got pregnant and Darth Vader's helmet totally left it when it found out--because, you know, evil--and then the real batting helmet drowned its sorrow in glue sniffing and then... voila. CoolFlo.
Moral of this story: you shouldn't sniff glue while pregnant. Or hook up with any part of Darth Vader's armor. Or have alien lizard babies. Or buy stupid-ass helmets.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Batgirl is very pleased to announce the publication of a children's fantasy by her extremely close personal friend.
If you are a person who likes books, surely you will like THE SHADOW THIEVES. Batgirl recommends going to bookstores repeatedly and asking for it in as loud a voice as possible. She also recommends telling everyone you know about it. And, of course, visiting the website for the trilogy—yes, that's right, THE SHADOW THIEVES is the first in a trilogy! Of books! Three of them!—where you can do exciting funtivities like read the first chapter, play a thrilling matching game, and learn about the wonderful world of Greek myths. Surely, even if you don’t like books, you should read THE SHADOW THIEVES--if only to see Batgirl's close personal friend go for 80,000 words without using the words "suck" or "ass."
Batgirl apologizes but she will be putting an advertisement for the book on the sidebar. Jeb is making her.
FROM THE AP WIRE
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- In the wake of the World Baseball Classic, Minnesota Twins blogger Batgirl has announced that during the last week in March she will be holding a WORLD PING PONG CLASSIC in her parents' basement.
"This is a very exciting opportunity for me to bring professional baseball players to my mom's basement," said Ms. Girl, 24.
Some criticized Ms. Girl for holding the WPPC during spring training. "I don't think the WPPC will detract from the season at all," said Bud Selig. "Because so many of the skills used in ping pong will help our players in the regular season. Besides, we in baseball don't want to put too much emphasis on practice or training or building a team. We don't want to send the kids the wrong message.
"Plus," continued Mr. Selig, "I'm a cheap bastard."
Nonetheless, news of the WPPC rapidly spread through the major leagues, where players eagerly signed up.
"I know I have a chance to make the Twins and salvage the wreckage of my career, and I should give them every opportunity to see me," said pitcher Dennys "Sampler" Reyes a non-roster invite to Twins spring training, "but I can't pass up an opportunity to play for my country."
Not all were as happy about it. Minnesota Twins center fielder Torii Sweetcheeks Hunter expressed his displeasure with the program. "This is the most asinine thing I've ever heard," said Mr. Hunter. "Aren't we supposed to be getting ready for the season? Isn't that our jobs? This is going to hurt the team, and Bud Selig doesn't care because he's a cheap bastard."
The next morning, Mr. Hunter woke up with the head of TC Bear in his bed.
"I think there's a lot of excitement building about the World PP Classic," said Ms. Girl. "And I'm looking forward to unveiling my line of merchandise so ping pong fans all over the world can have a chance to line my pockets with cash.
"Now," she continued, "I just have to get the ping pong table set up."
Please Note: The Twins website has had a shortened version of the memorial on it. The whole memorial will be posted later in the day.
I don't know, you guys. I hope you got to go, or to at least see some of it on television or the internet. I can't really describe the outpouring of love in the Metrodome tonight, but no matter if you've never heard of Kirby Puckett, never seen a baseball game, you would have found it beautiful.
Just a few moments to mention:
-Mudcat Grant gets up to sing "What a Wonderful World" and his voice melts your heart. He was a pretty darned good baseball player, but might have chosen the wrong profession.
-They played the clip from Letterman where Kirby gives the top ten list and we see Torii Hunter, who has probably not laughed in a week, cracking up.
-Andy MacPhail starts to talk about what Kirby meant to the team and meant to him, and chokes up.
-Gardy, who has rushed through his speech maybe so he wouldn't choke up too, promises us all that the Minnesota Twins will play Kirby-style baseball—always hustling out grounders, always putting on a show, always having fun.
-Tom Kelly, the last to speak, brings up all the current and former Twins in attendance and they stand on the field surrounding him. TK tries to give his speech and cuts himself off abruptly, "I'm done," he says gruffly and leaves the podium so 20,000 Twins fans don't see him cry.
-At the end of the exquisitely orchestrated final moments in a darkened Dome, a spotlight turns on a Puckett jersey lying alone in center field while a trumpet plays Take Me Out to the Ballgame hauntingly.
I don't know. I think if we succeed in touching a few people in our lives the way Kirby Puckett did hundreds of thousands we can count ourselves very lucky. I think, at least, we can aspire to do that. And all I can say is if you have 20,000 people come to mourn your passing, you've done something right.
EDIT: If you'd like to watch it online, it's up at MLB.com
For those out of town, the Kirby memorial will be broadcast live on twinsbaseball.com. KFAN will be playing it on the radio and they have a live stream on their site http://www.kfan.com . Also, apparently WCCOradio.com will have the audio available on their site as well. In the cities, the local UPN channel and KSTC will be carrying it.
From MLB.com:
More details of the public tribute to Kirby Puckett that will be held at the Metrodome at 7 p.m. CT on Sunday night have been released.Longtime Twins radio broadcaster John Gordon will emcee the event, which will include testimonials from Puckett's friends and family including Kent Hrbek, Torii Hunter, Tom Kelly, Harmon Killebrew, Andy MacPhail, Al Newman, Cal Ripken Jr. and Dave Winfield.
The Puckett family has requested that in lieu of flowers, contributions be made to either the Kirby Puckett Memorial Fund c/o the Twins Community Fund or the American Heart Association.
Here are the addresses of those charities:
Kirby Puckett Memorial Fund
c/o Minnesota Community Foundation
55 Fifth Street East - Suite 600
Saint Paul, MN 55101-1797American Heart Association
4701 West 77th Street
Minneapolis, MN 55435The memorial will be televised live by Channels 29 and 45 in the Twin Cities and can also be seen live on twinsbaseball.com.
Apparently, the idea of playing for his home country in the WBC has got the good Doctor his groove back. Batgirl recommends the Twins change their uniforms to maple leaves, stat.
There was no question before Justin Morneau left for the World Baseball Classic that he spent a lot of time working to improve his offense.That extra bit of preparation seems to have paid off, at least for Canada, as Morneau went 3-for-5 at the plate on Wednesday in the country's win against Team USA. He hit two doubles, drove a run in and scored two runs himself.
That the performance came against the United States wasn't a shock to Gardenhire, who knew that Morneau was fired up to play against the neighboring country.
"We won't ever live that one down," Gardenhire said of the U.S. loss. "That's for sure."
Looking for the Kirby tribute? Click here or scroll down.
Everyone here has been so remarkable. It has been so wonderful to hear everyone's stories and be able to grieve together. I cannot tell you how much it's meant, and thank you, all.
I cannot even find the words to express how touching the response to this horrible tragedy has been. Just read some of the comments in the entry below. Start somewhere random and read ten of then, or fifty, or all 225, and read about the way this one man, this baseball player, has touched people. So many of the comments were from fans of other teams who wrote to express their sorrow, their admiration, even their love for our number #34. My e-mail box, too, is flooded from people around the country expressing their condolences and their tributes-what a great man to inspire all of that. How lucky we were to have him play for our team.
There have been so many stories in the last few days, in articles, on the radio, on websites--please feel free to talk about some of your favorites below. WCCO ran a two hour radio broadcast about Kirby (and FSN is running one tonight at 6:30) and it was all filled with the stories of things Kirby did, small and big, that showed how special he was. From personalizing a baseball card when he wasn't supposed to, to paying for a South African girl to get a new heart, Kirby was extraordinary.
It has been difficult for me to describe my grief to friends who do not live here, who do not follow baseball. And I am sorry for those who did not know him to grieve him. Torii Hunter's words sum it up so well--"I didn't just lose a teammate and a friend. I lost Kirby."
I hope when the Twins get their new stadium, they can find a way to call it Kirby Puckett Park. I know the opportunity to take $80 million to have Medtronic Ballfield will be hard to resist. At the same time, the entire organization has said they would not be where they are without Kirby, and I hope they can make the ultimate tribute to him. And if they can't do it, I hope Guidant, Target, Boston Scientific, Northwest, 3M, General Mills, ...whoever, can find a way to make it happen.
Three final thoughts: on Sunday night there will be a memorial for Kirby at the Dome. Doors open at 6, the ceremony starts at 7.
Also, many people have written to ask what charities Kirby supported. When he was a player he was heavily involved in Children's Heart Link and Tonya Puckett is still on the board. Make a donation, and tell them Kirby sent you.
Finally, Kirby Puckett was an organ donor and it looks as if his kidneys may help his sister, and his other organs could help as many as eight people. Look here to find out how to become an organ donor.
How lucky is the person who gets his heart?
Batgirl will write something very silly this weekend, not because her heart is not heavy, but because there is baseball to play, and as a new blogger in town says to the hypothetical question, "Should we be laughing at a time like this?" "Absolutely not. If there is one thing that Kirby would not approve of, it’s jocularity in the face of tragedy. Or doing something you love when it is hardest."
EDIT ESPN Classic will have an all-Puckett day Thursday, starting at 1 pm, which will include Game 6 of the 91 World Series.
I have mourned Kirby Puckett three times in my life.
The first was in 1996 when he was ripped too early from the game that he loved. It was such a tragedy, such a ridiculous, terrible end to a glorious career. I couldn't imagine baseball without Kirby, or Kirby without baseball.
Maybe he couldn't either. The second time I mourned him was when the allegations hit. Infidelity. Domestic abuse. Harassment. It couldn't be true. We all struggled to put together the rumors with Kirby—the teddy bear shaped hero of our most glorious baseball dreams. We shook our heads and said the myth is just a man after all. We said we created him and now we are facing the consequences. We said that there are no heroes. Kirby was acquitted, but still the cloud of suspicion hung over him. Not a myth, just a man.
And now I am mourning Kirby Puckett for the third time. And it is horrible. And I wish so much I could go back to mourning him the way I had before.
I could never reconcile the two Kirbys, reconcile my beloved number 34 with that strange dark-clouded man. Maybe he couldn't either. Maybe that's why he disappeared from us, why he so tragically destroyed his body. What Kirby did not know, it seemed, is that it didn't matter anymore. We didn't want to reconcile them, didn't care about the dark clouded man, for the first Kirby has meant too much to us. Nothing else mattered. We wanted him back—the myth and the man. We had tried life without Kirby Puckett and we didn't like it one bit.
As Bert Blyleven said on a broadcast a couple years ago, "If you don't love Kirby Puckett, you don't love life." That is the thing with Kirby Puckett, you just love him. Genuinely, truly love, like a friend, a family member. And Bert was more right than he knew, because something about Kirby showed you how to love life. Kirby was joy, personified, and his joy infected everyone around him. We are all happier people for having had the privilege of having him play for our team, having had the privilege of knowing him.
And now Kirby's life, like his career, was just cut horribly short. We never will get the chance to welcome him back, to tell him how much we love him. And it is our very great loss. Not Kirby's though, for, as someone said in the comments yesterday, right now Bob Casey is announcing his arrival in heaven. And everyone stands and cheers as he says, "And now, number thirty-four….KIRRBEEEEEEE PUCKETT!" And up there man and myth are one and it is beautiful.
Kirby is still with me, and always will be. Somewhere in the back of my mind he is still jumping up and grabbing homeruns, still circling the bases pumping his fist, still smiling his Kirby-smile. Jack Buck says, "We'll see you tomorrow night," and we ride on Kirby Puckett's back all the way to glory. He is there with us, reminding us why we love baseball, reminding us to love life. And still, a hero.
Batgirl will return to regularly scheduled blogging later in the week.
Monday Morning: Puck in Critical Condition
Monday night: Puckett to Be Removed from Life Support
Thanks to her TOP SECRET connections with the Japanese mafia and also the guy who sells popcorn at Hammond Field in Fort Myers, Batgirl was able to arrange an EXCLUSIVE interview with the newest Twin, Tony Fatista. Here is the transcript:
BG: So, I was wondering if you could tell us how you feel things are going so far.
TF: Well, you know what it's like just starting with a new team. You don't know anyone, so you really do your best to try to fit in. And I think that's going really well.
BG: How do you mean?
TF: Well, for instance, in today's game I hit into a double play with runners in scoring position, and then I struck out with the bases loaded. I think that makes me one of the guys.
BG: Uh-huh.
TF: I know, I know. It would have been better to hit into the double play with the bases loaded. Next time I'll do better.
BG: Mr. Fatista--
TF: Please, call me Tony.
BG: Right. Tony, so far your spring training batting average is .000. When do you think you might get your first hit?
TF: Well, I don't know, Batgirl. I don't want to rush things. The hitting will come, but first I want to practice my striking out and my grounding to shortshop. I really want to be more than a one tool player.
BG: Uh-huh... And...which tool is that?
TF: I'm not really sure. But when I left the Orioles, Cal Ripken told me I was a giant tool. It was really flattering having a Hall of Famer say something like that.
BG: Uh-huh.
TF: Also, it's hard to see the ball over my gigantic beer belly.
BG: Yes, that reminds me. Tony, you showed up at camp fifteen pounds overweight. After Terry Ryan took a chance on you, wouldn't it have been better to show you're really committed to the team by coming to camp in shape?
TF: Oh, I'm committed all right. Every time I ate a donut this off-season, I thought about how happy I was to be with the Twins. They're a great organization and they really have a shot at the playoffs. Plus, there's a Krispy Kreme right by the team hotel.
BG: Okay, well, thanks so much, Tony, for talking to us.
TF: No problem, Batgirl! Sayonara!
A few notes on tonight's hott hott SPRING TRAINING OPENER, starring JOHAN K. SANTANA:
-Bert Blyleven actually referred to the home country of El Presidente and the Jackal as "Venezuela" several times. Really! I shit you not! Who was it that finally sat him down and told him, very gently, he's been mispronouncing the country's name in front of all of Twins Territory all this time? Or did Danny Gladden drink too many Glueck beers one night and let him in on the awful truth? Or one night was he reading something about the WBC and he stared at the name and said, "My god! There's no 'I' in team, and there's no 'I' in Venezuela either!" And while we now have our sportscaster actually pronouncing the name of the home country of several of our players correctly, Batgirl must ask—what have we lost?
Lordy, next he'll start using adverbs correctly.
-Batgirl shall be referring to Tony Batista as Tony Fatista for the time being. Not because it's funny to make fun of fat people, because it isn't. But because after management gives you a huge chance signing you after you've been released by your Japanese team you don't show up 15 pounds overweight for spring training on Batgirl's team. She might stop calling him Fatista when he takes off the weight. Maybe. Tony, Tony, Tony, BG has no idea how you fielded those balls at third around your giant beer belly, but honeyballs, God wants you to get in shape. He told me so.
-Dear Coco Crisp—thank you for leaving the Indians. Appreciate it! Love, Batgirl
-Joe Vavra looks like he needs Visine.
- And finally—believe it or not, we had three real live actual A#1 homeruns in the game, including a monster first pitcher by Sweetcheeks (welcome back, honeypie) and one by BATGIRL'S BOYFRIEND, already matching last year's regular season team home run total. There's nowhere to go but up!
-TWINS WIN!
A scrub squad of Twins were three hit by the Concordia College Golden Bears yesterda, which is almost as embarrassing as being three hit by the Royals.
Twins have hands full with Concordia, again:
The Twins owed their victory to two unearned runs, both coming on missed fly balls by Concordia's fielders.The Twins finished with three hits. That's no misprint. Concordia had two.
"Our goal was not to get anybody killed," Gardenhire said. "Those were our first swings [in a spring contest]."
Morneau's first at-bat came with two aboard in the first inning, and Jacob Schmidt, a freshman from Oakdale, looked as if he was in trouble.
But in a sight all-too familiar for Twins fans, Schmidt got Morneau to lunge at a changeup and ground into an inning-ending double play.
The Concordia bench, and about 250 fans, erupted.
"Everything changed after that," Schmidt said "We knew we could do it."
First spring training game. Twins v. Bo Sox. Thursday, 6pm, Fox Sports Network. Our long national nightmare is ending.
And Johan, sweetcakes--be careful.
