Late Saturday night, Sir Sidney Ponson sat in front of his locker in the Twins clubhouse. The rest of the team was gone, except Torii Hunter, who was touching up the surgically precise edges of his goatee across the room.
Sidney pulled an undershirt off of a hanger, gazed at it for a moment, sighed deeply, and dropped it into the box at his feet. He took a glove off of a hook on the side, gazed at it for a moment, sighed deeply, and dropped it into the box at his feet. He picked a pair of shoes off the floor, gazed at them for a moment, sighed deeply, and dropped them into the box at his feet.
All this sighing was starting to get on Torii's nerves. It made it hard to concentrate, and a man needs to concentrate when he's got a diamond-edge razor in his hands. He set it down.
"Hey, Siddy, what's up? Why the long face?" he called, towelling shaving cream off of his legendary cheeks.
"I got designated for assignment," Ponson gloomed, heaving another deep sigh.
"Aw, man, that sucks. What were you supposed to do--it's obvious you're cursed. And getting uncursed, it ain't easy. I should know."
"Do you think it was my glove, Torii?"
"Might've been."
"Or maybe my cap?"
"Could be."
"Cleats?"
"Hard to say, Siddy," Torii opined. "If I could tell something was cursed just by looking at it, 2005 would've been real different."
"Hoo yeah. For me, too. And 2004. And 2006. This season, obviously. And--"
"You know," Torii interrupted hastily, because he had a feeling that list was going to go on for a while. "You gotta get this curse under control if you want to catch on with another team."
"I know, I know, but what can I do?" Sid wailed.
Torii pointed at the box, and at the locker. "Burn it. Burn it all."
"Even my lucky glove?!?"
Torii gave him The Look. "Just how lucky you think that glove is, Siddy? I gotta say, the empirical evidence just isn't there."
"You're right, Torii. You're right." He sighed a sigh so massive that locker doors fluttered in the breeze. "It all has to go. It's my only chance. Do you think they'll let me start a fire in the parking lot?"
"You, no. Me, definitely. You finish cleaning out that locker, and I'll meet you out back in half an hour, ok?"
"Okay. And thanks, Torii. You're a swell guy."
"Aw, shucks," Torii blushed. "I know that."
Half an hour later Ponson hauled his box out to the back lot to find a crackling bonfire and Torii rummaging through a grocery bag on a folding table.
"I ran to the store for some snacks," Torii said with a grin. "Curse-breaking is hungry work. We'll eat after."
"Excellent!" Sid exclaimed, instantly feeling much better about the whole enterprise.
"Well, go on," Torii urged. "Toss that stuff on there. A quick break is easiest."
And Sidney threw his cursed posessions one by one onto the inferno. As each thing caught fire, he felt a little lighter in his heart, which had been heavy indeed. Torii tossed in the new hat he'd been wearing the last couple of games, because he was starting to have a bad feeling about it.
"Sometimes we just need to let go of things. Like old undershirts, and sucking," Sidney said philosophically.
"Word," Torii agreed. "C'mon, man, let's roast us some grain dogs while the fire's high."
Ponson started to nod, then froze. "Grain dogs?"
"They're good. And low-fat. I got the Mexican Chipotle kind. Spicy!" He skewered a couple of zesty dogs and handed one to Sidney. They toasted them over the burning wreckage of Ponson's days with Minnesota and ate them on soft buns with mustard and sauerkraut. And by the time the flames guttered out and they had swept the ashes away, Ponson had learned that fire purifies and that tasty food doesn't have to go straight to your massive belly.
At the end of the night he walked Torii to his car. "Say, Torii? I was wondering something."
"Yeah?"
"How'd you get all that wood on short notice? I hope you didn't do anything silly like spend a ton of money on a rush delivery just to make me feel better."
"What, that stuff?" Torii said, climbing the ladder into the driver's seat of his massive vehicle. "Shoot, that was just a pile of assbats that were laying around the clubhouse. You take care of yourself now, Siddy."
"You, too, Torii. And thanks!"
Posted by infield at May 14, 2007 09:19 AMThe assbats...burned? Huzzah!
What a fun game to watch. And a brilliant recap, infield.
Posted by: joel. at May 14, 2007 09:25 AMI hope this means Matt Garza!!!!!
Posted by: Melissa at May 14, 2007 09:25 AMGarret Jones has been called up to help out the offense until Saturday, which is when Ponson would have pitched again. Then they're going to swap Jones out for a pitcher, they haven't said who. Looking at the numbers in Rochester, I think Kevin Slowey has the edge.
Posted by: infield at May 14, 2007 09:33 AMSTrib says they are probably going to call up Scotty (he apparently has the "most" experience at the majors), but for now I'm just going to enjoy seeing Garrett in a Twins unifrom for a few days!
Posted by: Newton at May 14, 2007 09:51 AMI'm wondering why the quality of Scotty's "experience" at the Major league level isn't questioned?
Unless he's improved dramatically, I don't know what to expect from him, but a lot of the same...baseballs flying out of the park at ludicrous speeds.
Give Garza or Slowey a chance...
Posted by: Dave at May 14, 2007 10:02 AMBaker was just as good in 2005 as he was bad in 2006.
I wouldn't mind giving him a shot - at some point, it's fish or cut bait time for him, so let's find out if he's got anything that'll help.
Posted by: BD at May 14, 2007 10:33 AMThanks, BD. Baker had a bad year last year (with a few good starts here and there). It irritates me that people are basing everything based off of so few starts in the majors. He's certainly not Frisco or Santana, but there's no indication that he'll be bad.
Unless, of course, he's not given a chance--by the management, fans, or his team.
Posted by: JustBeth at May 14, 2007 10:38 AMSpeaking of assbats...check out this related article. Hopefully the assbats are done especially for the Milwaukee series.
Assbats:
http://www.playingforoctober.com/?p=11
Your admirers @
www.playingforoctober.com
Bye, Sidney, we hardly knew ye... But I think we knew enough!
LTLC
Posted by: likeTwinsluvCubs at May 14, 2007 11:02 AMI'm actually surprised they gave Sid the hook so soon. They didn't Free Bart until June last year.
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at May 14, 2007 11:52 AMEverything about this feels very similar to the Batista move last year. Here's hoping there is a similar result, and I'm looking forward to watching any of the young guns come up and throw!
Posted by: Dr. Trivicon at May 14, 2007 12:07 PMit's about time ponson hit the road
Posted by: miss bartlett at May 14, 2007 12:33 PMHooray for the burning of the assbats, and also for the departure of Sir Sidney...
And a special Huzzah to infield. A lovely story indeed.
bubblemint
Posted by: bubblemint at May 14, 2007 12:38 PMMay the wind be at Sidney's very large back. I don't wish him ill... I just don't wish him on our team.
Posted by: CarrieICL at May 14, 2007 01:35 PMThe thing with Baker is that he has always does really well in AAA, but he hasn't done well in the MANY chances he's been given in the majors.
Posted by: Megan at May 14, 2007 02:00 PMyeah, what Carrie said. :)
Posted by: Lynnie at May 14, 2007 02:01 PMLet's all remember that Baker's only made 25 major-league starts and 1 relief appearance over two seasons, for a combined 5.15 ERA. That's not a whole lot of experience, really. And guys have posted higher ERAs than that over their first 25 starts and gone on to have good careers.
No, he hasn't proven himself yet. But he hasn't proven he's a bust, either, not by a long shot. He's putting up good numbers in AAA, and he's earned another chance here.
Told ya
(well, not you specifically, but some other people I know from Minnesota)
Posted by: Baltimore Hates Fat Sidney at May 14, 2007 02:49 PMWord!
Posted by: Cal at May 14, 2007 03:20 PMSir Sidney's "To Do" List
1. Call Scott Erickson.
2. Sell 6/5 tix to "Heaven and Hell Tour" with Megadeth and Machine Head at Target Center.
Posted by: funoka at May 14, 2007 03:37 PMNice post infield, Hip hip hooray for burning ass-bats. May they not return.
And I for one would look forward to the return of nutty. When is the next time we play the Yankees? I also look forward to Garza and Slowey in the near, or not as near future.
HALLELUJAH!! PONTOON IS GONE! And BTW, where have our boys BEEN these passed 11 or so games?? That game yesterday was absolutely magical! I loved every minute of it.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at May 14, 2007 04:55 PMI'll third Carrie's comment. I hope for his sake he finds a way to either pull himself together as a pitcher or finds something else to do.
Posted by: FordHoiberg at May 14, 2007 06:48 PMI TOTALLY AGREE with JustBeth. Give Baker a chance and he'll be great. He's always seemed to have to pitch with the team telling the media, "If he doesn't pitch perfectly this time, he'll go back to AAA." That's a lot of pressure to put on a young guy. He is BY FAR one of my favorite guys in the organization.
Posted by: Stacy at May 14, 2007 09:24 PMI think I may cry.
After waiting all season to see them play live, I get to go on my birthday this Friday against the sizzling Brewers.
So I looked up who is projected to pitch.
*sigh*
Posted by: Eric at May 14, 2007 09:59 PMWait a second... he was sent down?!?!
PRAISE TONY GWYNN!!!!
Posted by: Eric at May 14, 2007 10:00 PMLil slow on the uptake, Eric?
Posted by: Shelley at May 15, 2007 01:23 AMOkay, TOTALLY stupid question. Did I totally miss something last year with Scott Baker and his athletic cup (hence the birth of Nutty)? DID HE SERIOUSLY LOSE HIS CUP??? Jesus. Where have I been???
And PS...I just wanted to give LNP a big hug after reading this. It's ok LNP. You'll get your mojo back...
http://www.startribune.com/509/story/1183504.html
Posted by: Dobs at May 15, 2007 10:11 AMI did not witness this first hand, but from what it sounds like is that Scooty's jock broke and his cup went sliding down his leg. You can actually see it in pictures down by his ankle. The best picture was of Scooty covering his face with his glove and Gardy with his back to him covering his face with his hand; trying to hide the laughter.
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at May 15, 2007 10:25 AMBring Back Reboulet, thank you...I just needed validation that it seriously did happen because the images in my head alone were so funny. When I went back into the archives and saw the Nutty birth song I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.
Priceless.
Posted by: Dobs at May 15, 2007 12:39 PMIs Nutty still french?
Posted by: cal at May 15, 2007 12:50 PMHey Dobs--Don't even mention it! I'm a late-blooomer to the site and have needed some help on some back stories.
Cal--Is Nutty still French? I didn't know he was French to begin with. Maybe he's French-Canadian . . . like Celine Dion. Him and MVP can talk about olden times in the Great White North.
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at May 15, 2007 02:15 PMHmmmm.....Not sure I like the sound of this snarkiness:http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=schoenfield/070515&sportCat=nba
Posted by: clemsghostwriter at May 15, 2007 02:30 PMBring Back Reboulet--Ugh, obviously David Schoenfield is a Yankee fan. Puke.
Posted by: ForMorneau at May 15, 2007 03:01 PMIs anyone surprised that an ESPN writer is taking an article about Dirk Nowitzki's MVP and using it to, once again, bash the Doctor?
This debate was hashed out here months ago. We know what Public Enemy Mike thinks, and we know what the BatGirl legion thinks, so lets not start it up again.
The Doctor the 2006 AL MVP...no amount of snarkiness or bitterness will change that.
Posted by: Dave at May 15, 2007 03:02 PMAwwww, LNP, you're still out Superhero!
I love his dedication.
Posted by: FH at May 15, 2007 03:10 PMApparently David Schoenfield doesn't understand the difference between an MVP and a Player of the Year. Yes, JoeJoe and Johan Santana-Danna are VITAL to the Twinkies, but Doc's hot streak coincided with the team's turn around. Hmmmm . . . that sounds like Most VALUABLE Player material to me.
Um... What the H*ll. I get home and look at the score, and had to check twice. I think we have some gloves and balls to burn (yes I know how bad that sounds).
Posted by: twin-X at May 15, 2007 09:14 PM [url=][/url]
Happy B-dat to the good Doctor. Congrats on hitting the baseball moose antlers away twice. Too bad no win.
Posted by: Nora at May 15, 2007 11:37 PMI mean B-day. LOL
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I won't miss Sidney, but I will miss his diary.
Posted by: Beth at May 17, 2007 03:10 PM