This entry posted by Twayn, who believes that with this kind of manic episode Librium might be a more effective management tool than Prozac.
Chicago at Minnesota. White Sox 4, Twins 7.
The team was gathered in the locker room before the game, talking, joking, playing cards, lacing shoes and adjusting socks and pant legs, when Gardy strode briskly in followed closely by Richard Dreyfuss.
“Okay, listen here,” said Gardy. “We’ve tried consultants and we’ve tried pep talks and none of that’s worked. So now we’re going to try something different. This is Dr. Leo Marvin. He’s a distinguished psychiatrist and author of the book Baby Steps. He’s going to help us get out of this funk that’s been dragging everyone down lately, because it turns out you can battle your tails too off sometimes.”
“Uh, Skip?” asked Mike Redmond. “Isn’t that Richard Dreyfuss?”
“No, of course not,” said Gardy. “He just looks like Richard Dreyfuss because that’s who played him in the movie.”
“Really?” asked Justin Morneau. “He sure looks like Richard Dreyfuss. And Dr. Leo Marvin was a character in that movie that had Richard Dreyfuss and Bill Murray in it.”
“Look, smarty MVP pants,” said Gardenhire. “You’re messing around with my narrative structure here. And you haven’t been hitting so hot lately, either. So if you don’t mind… this is Dr. Leo Marvin, and he cost Smilin' Carl a pretty penny to bring in from his vacation home on Lake Wishwecouldwinone to treat the whole team. So listen up, even if this whole post does seem redundant and derivative.”
“Thank you, Mister Gardenhire,” said Richard Dreyfuss with a satisfied, slightly superior smirk. “Like a Zen riddle, the answer to ending a slump is so obvious that it becomes invisible to the senses and must be grasped by intuition; it is, in the very essence of the phrase, hiding in plain sight. The key to ending a slump, which is really just a very large amorphous amalgamation of sucking, is to think small. The key to ending a slump is to take baby steps.”
“Check me if I’m wrong, Doc,” said Jason Bartlett. “But if we take baby steps it’s really going to cut down on our range and our speed on the bases.”
“No, no,” said Richard Dreyfuss with his smuggest smile. “When I say take baby steps, I don’t mean literal baby steps, I mean figurative baby steps. It’s a metaphor, an analogy. It means you have to concentrate on the little things, the very basic elements of the game. Throwing. Catching. Hitting. Baby step to a full count. Baby step to a base hit. Baby step to a two-out RBI double.”
Jason Bartlett nodded with a knowing look on his face, wondering when Lew Ford would return to explain metaphor and analogy to him.
“BOOF!” yelled Gardy as the freshly groomed Bonser prepared to insert iPod earphones into his auditory canals for a pre-game groove. “Pay attention. You need to baby step your way to a lower ERA and a lot fewer walks.”
“Hey!” exclaimed Boof, looking up and paying attention for the first time since Gardy entered the room. “It’s Richard Dreyfuss!”
“No, it’s not!” said Gardy. “We’ve been over this. This is Dr. Leo Marvin and….
“Hey, Dr. Marvin,” interrupted Nick Punto. “ You ever hear of Tourette’s Syndrome?”
“It’s exceptionally rare,” said Richard Dreyfuss.
“Barfbag! Snotface! Bitch Sox!” Nick Punto suddenly yelled at the top of his voice. Everyone stopped and stared in his direction.
“Why exactly are you doing this?” Richard Dreyfuss asked Nicky.
“Well,” explained Punto. “If I can fake it, then I don’t have it.”
“Okay,” said Gardy, a bit flustered by the picayune third baseman’s verbal outburst. “Let’s hit the field and remember, take baby steps.”
As the team left the locker room, Justin Morneau hesitated for a moment at his locker, then approached the manager.
“Hey, Skip,” he said on his way to the door. “I think that is Richard Dreyfuss, and to prove it I’m going to hit an extra-innings walk-off upper-deck three-run home run tonight.”
“Well,” said Gardy with a little smile. “Maybe you should try hitting a solo shot first. Because that’s how baby steps work.”
“Sure thing, Gardy,” said Justin. “We’ll baby step the hell out of them tonight.”
“We’ll baby step the hell out of them tonight.”
And we did.
Posted by: joel. at May 9, 2007 01:15 AM"Mark" Redmond??????????
Posted by: Krissy at May 9, 2007 07:13 AMKrissy,
I sincerely hope that was not a Freudian slip on my part. The error has been expunged.
Posted by: twayn at May 9, 2007 07:53 AMLOL - Bartlett - Nice entry Twayn
Some mad love to the little piranhas and the big-piranha Mike Redmond - only fitting they get the rally started last night.
FEAR THE PUNTO - oh yeah nice catch too =)
Love - love that The Good Doctor knew it was over the baggie the minute he hit.
Anyone wonder what AJ would do if the entire crowd did nothing as he came to bat? He seems to feed off the booing.....
happy day -
Much Love
Wonder Woman
Nice work Twayn. Enjoyable reading, as always.
The funniest part of the game was the "What-the-hell-are-you-doing?" look AJ gave to Aardsma after he jumped like a basketball player to catch the second wild intentional ball to Punto.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 9, 2007 08:31 AMThat was one of the best games I've been to in a while. Walk off homers, kick butt piranha action (Nicky's catch by the dugout was pretty sweet), Bitches losing - who doesn't like that? The thing that made it most memorable was how my roomies and I (and everyone else that left after the game was over) got COMPLETELY drenched leaving the dome. It was a monsoon outside. What a great game!
Posted by: Newton at May 9, 2007 08:38 AM"smarty MVP pants" -- too funny! Great post, Twayn.
Posted by: Dee at May 9, 2007 08:51 AMSpeaking of Punto getting walked...does anyone remember the last time he got intentionally walked? Has it ever happened before? Not that I'm complaining...
Posted by: joel. at May 9, 2007 09:11 AMTwo things I thought I'd never hear:
"Redmond beats it out!"
and
"It's an infield hit for Redmond."
:)
Posted by: Kirk at May 9, 2007 09:38 AM"Jason Bartlett nodded with a knowing look on his face, wondering when Lew Ford would return to explain metaphor and analogy to him."
Well, yeah, Lew is the Word Elf, after all. He's definitely got a better grip on the mechanics of English than most of us.
Why is it not that difficult to imagine LNP bustin' out like that?
Posted by: FH at May 9, 2007 09:39 AMLNP was on ESPN Web Gems last night with his double catch in front of the dugout. I somehow got Baseball tonight recorded even though I couldn't watch the game last night because my stupid satellite dish wasn't coming in. Going to call and get cable back, done with directtv and their DVR sucks bigtime too!
So if ESPN calls the segment Web Gems, shouldn't that mean it is on their website? Searched high and low this morning and couldn't find it.......
Posted by: Annie at May 9, 2007 10:13 AMBoof is awesome, one of these days he will get a win.....hang in there buddy.
Posted by: DTB at May 9, 2007 10:32 AMLooks like the snifters worked just fine for you, Twayn. Nice work.
Posted by: brianS at May 9, 2007 10:56 AMHaha, I love it! These entries are the things that are keeping me sane during my finals here at school. Keep up the good work!
Posted by: ranger23softball at May 9, 2007 11:09 AMAnnie -
I believe "web gems" is referencing the webbing in the glove (or, where the ball would land in a great catch).
BUT, you can see it on the ESPN's website by going to the actual game page:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=270508109
Annie - I've always wished that ESPN would post the web gem recaps online too. Seems like that would be a logical thing to do.
FN - yeah, I can totally see LNP doing that. LOL
Posted by: Twin Mama at May 9, 2007 12:23 PMLiving in Chicago, there are only a few times per year that I get to watch the Twins play. While having to deal with the White Sox announcers (worst in baseball), I do love seeing LNP being scrappy, Sweetcheeks being deliciously hit-tastic, and Castillo being crazy. Prior to the last pitch of the game, White Sox announcer Ken Harrelson (worst in baseball) said, "Morneau is a big man. Watch out". He then sat in stunned silence, as I repeated "he gone" over and over again. Simply wonderful. Thank you BOD. Go Twins, Boo AJ.
Posted by: Chi Twin at May 9, 2007 12:49 PMWow - Hawk said that? "Morneau is a big man. Watch out"? Such profundity. He earns every penny they pay him, doesn't he? To me, one of the best parts of being forced to occasionally suffer through the White Sox feed on DirecTV is hearing those bozos when the Twins win one like they did last night; I would have loved to hear Hawk after the Doctor launched that ball into the upper deck. His voice gets nearly suicidal...
Posted by: adidasman at May 9, 2007 02:19 PM"Lake Wishwecouldwinone" !!!
Posted by: Linda at May 9, 2007 03:57 PM“We’ll baby step the hell out of them tonight.”
I felt strangely patriotic when I read that.
Will be at the game tonight Sec 132 row 13. (Hopefully it's luckey row 13) So win twins!!!
Non related: I marvel at how many Molinas there are in baseball. Are they all brothers? All catchers? Crazy. Yadier, Bengie, Jose, Gustavo...
Posted by: Erin at May 9, 2007 08:59 PMFunny Erin, I had the same thought punching ballots today at the twins game.
Posted by: twin-X at May 9, 2007 11:29 PMYadier, Bangie and Jose are brothers.
Gustavo is unrelated.
Posted by: kojak at May 10, 2007 08:12 AMNow that is a baseball family. 3 brothers in the MLB? Impressive. I know their are couple with 2, but 3?
Posted by: Nora at May 10, 2007 04:22 PMOther MLB brother sets include:
The DiMaggios: Joe, Dom & Vince
The Alous: Felipe, Matty & Jesus
The Allens: Dick, Hank & Ron
The Drews: JD, Tim & Stephen
The Edwardses: Dave, Marshall & Mike
The Boyers: Clete, Ken & Cloyd
The Clarksons: Dad, John & Walter
The Highs: Andy, Charlie & Hugh
The Crosses: Amos, Frank & Lave
The Cruzes: Hector, Jose & Tommy
The Sadowskis: Bob, Ted & Ed
The Sewells: Luke, Joe & Tommy
The Mansells: John, Mike & Tom
The Sowders: Bill, John & Len
The Pacioreks: Tom, Jim & John
The Wrights: George, Harry & Sam
The Perezes: Pascual, Melido & Carlos
The O'Neills: Jack, Jim, Mike & Steve
The Delahantys: Ed, Frank, Jim, Joe & Tom
The Wallaces: Rusty, Kenny & Mike
Ok, I made that last one up. ;-)