This entry written by Donnalove, who notes Helen Fielding's son is named Dashiell
Royals 4, Twins 3
Sidney Ponson’s Diary
Wednesday, 25 April. Weight: 245 (lost 5 lb in sweat) ERA: 8.44 (going down, v.g.) Alcohol Units: 1 (hair of dog)
LIFE. IS. NOT. FAIR. Is just not fair! First off, am pitching on Wednesday night, missing Dollar Dogs (am allowed to get more than 2 at concession stand! Perk of being maj. league pitcher!) and America’s Next Top Model! Will not know if the one that looks like drag queen gets kicked off until get home from bar! And the game! Am pitching against K.C. Royals, and give up v. respectable 4 runs (right up there with other Twins pitchers of late.) Not own fault that David DeJesus so sexy that can not pitch well. But rest of team also playing against Royals and do not get hits! Feel very alone just now, though suppose if Twins can not get runs off Cy Young winner/Dreamboat J. Santana, don’t feel quite so bad. Could use hug. However, feel quite certain that if was pitching for Royals, would have had 2 wins against Twins, but instead have 2 losses. Ass is expanding at rate so alarming, wondering if should inform government. Ass is so large that is like 10th fielder, knocking down balls. Fortunately, ass assisted in getting out. Would have been awful if ass had led to, say, grand slam. But! Why do teammates (with exception of wanton sex god T. Hunter) insist on making K.C. pitchers look like... like... major league baseball players? Should not be that way. So depressed. Do not want to end up washed-up pitcher who will die alone, eaten by C.C. Sabathia. Was surprised when asked to come out and pitch 6th inning. Was about to take belt of scotch from emergency dugout flask when was told to go out on field. Still took belt. Got through inning quickly so could get back to scotch. Tasted good, like victory (victory of inning without runs, incl. v.g. strikeout.) Maybe have bought self another start? Won’t cross fingers, as might mess up split finger grip. Will cross toes instead.
Posted by Batgirl at April 25, 2007 09:59 PMI love the SP Diaries. Very good stuff. But, unfortunately,
NOT AS GOOD AS A WIN!!!!!!
*ahem*
That's all.
Posted by: angryscott at April 25, 2007 10:53 PMGreat stuff, BG. Your humor helps to sooth the savage beast that is the grouchy Twins fan after a Ponson start with Assbats.
Posted by: Flip at April 25, 2007 10:58 PMB.G. and all-
Easy to pick on Sidney but geez the ass bats were all over the dome tonight. And that 2nd base pick off of Casilla was just awful. Tho' probably The big Canuck would have gone down because he had the bat of ass in his hands.
Crappy game, but I don't see Ponson as the only source of feebleness. It's Getting old hauling out to the dome and doing a post game race walk back to the car just to get some quick space between me and another loss. Sigh. What's Gardy gonna do? Will Ponson be back? Will the line up be stirred up? will a AAA pitcher or player be called up? Will the big hitters again hit (Torii was great)? will the ass bats be recycled? I'll stay tuned.
It's only April...
kal
Posted by: kal at April 25, 2007 10:58 PMDear Mr. Flip,
Bg can take no credit for this. It's Donnalove's work.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Dear Kal,
In his diary entry, you will note Sidney is definitely frustrated with the ass bats.
Interpretively,
Donnalove
Donnalove, that is v. v. funny stuff. I didn't actually get to see much of last two games; didn't miss a lot, it seem. But it is early. Nobody freaks out if Tiger bogeys a few holes on the first day. The injuries are hurting us right now in a lot of little ways that finally reached a critical mass and got manifested as ass-bats and errors in the field and on the bases. And players have streaks and slumps. MVP is slumping at the plate, Bartlett's slumping in the field, Casilla's a rookie making rookie mistakes. We just have to hang on until the cavalry returns from the DL. This will look like a different team in June, I think, and the turnaround will start soon. Just probably not immediately.
Posted by: twayn at April 25, 2007 11:28 PMOh geez, thank you. I am sitting here in the darn law library, trying to finish a paper, and am so pissed about that game -- but then find yet another hilarious entry from Bat-girl et. al to make me smile. "Could use hug." So funny ... there's always tomorrow ('cept maybe not for Sid and his ass).
Posted by: Dee at April 25, 2007 11:29 PMDonnalove - Excellent
Dear Batgirl,
I had a dream last night where the recent meeting with Gardy and the BF's went on a bit longer and took a twisted turn.
Gardy and the lads were sitting around chatting as baseball folks are wont to do. They were discussing philosophy, sacrificing with one out (isn’t that the same thing as philosophy?), Audrey Hepburn vs. Grace Kelly "in the day", the implications of the second round of the French presidential election among other topics.
Eventually the conversation turned to Baby Dash and whether his future will have him as a closer or as a starter. The gang is quite keen on following his path through the developmental leagues (Montessori, pre-school etc.). They were also worried about you not getting enough rest as you stay up late to post the B.O.D. after each win. I’m wondering if subconsciously they have been losing recently to give you a few more minutes rest each night.
I know it was just a dream, but perhaps you could send them an open letter on the subject of getting a little more sleep vs. selecting a B.O.D….
Best regards,
Moe
I did the Dollar Dog/College ID cheap seats last night (although I'll be 4 years removed from college graduation next month, the ID still worked like a charm for myself and two friends). Unfortunately, the highlights of the game for me were the plethora of beach balls being batted around section 201 and the two scuffles that broke out between some 20 year olds that had a little too much Natty Light before the game. At least it distracted me from the constant barrage of groundouts and squandered scoring chances. Curse you, bats of ass!
Posted by: Eric at April 26, 2007 09:28 AMGreat stuff, Donnalove. I'm hoping Ponson keeps it together longer than he did with the Cardinals just so we can have more diary entries!
Posted by: Redbird at April 26, 2007 09:57 AMI'd take more pitty on Ponson if it weren't for the fact he had 2 outs and 2 strikes when he gave up the first dinger. And then again had the hitter where he wanted him prior to the 2nd dinger.
Posted by: Torhu at April 26, 2007 10:22 AMIf we have to keep Ponson in order to get more stellar entries like this, Redbird, I think I can live with fewer stellar entries. (Clearly, you're not a Twins fan, or you'd never say such a silly, silly thing.) The Indians were just in town - why couldn't Cap'n Cheeseburger just have eaten Sid then? I never thought I'd say something this completely horrible, but COME BACK, CAP'N! YOU LEFT A MEAL BEHIND!!! (And yes, the bats have been pitiful - oh, Michael, why must you break my heart so? - but Sid ain't gonna get no better. Time to move on, lest we suffer in 2007 as we did last season, watching T-Phat for far too long...)
Posted by: adidasman at April 26, 2007 10:25 AMadidasman,
My apologies, I wasn't clear. I was hoping Sydney actually starts pitching well and doesn't self-distruct to the degree he did with St. Louis. I'm actually quite curious as to what a diary entry would look like after a win.
Love,
Redbird
I couldv'e sworn I saw Sidney in the Hormel Row of Fame on the JumboTron last night. speaking of which..
someone has to help me with the first two lines of that song. everyone knows the last six.
I know the first two lines end in "Game" and "Fame", respectively
Posted by: mhaas at April 26, 2007 11:00 AMI don't think Cap'n Cheesburger would want to eat Sid. Too much gristle.
Posted by: Tricia at April 26, 2007 11:22 AMIf you're at the game
In Hormel's Row of Fame
Maybe FA Ponson could look for Radke's old smith's tapes ?
p.e.m.
Posted by: public enemy mike at April 26, 2007 12:00 PMIf Morneau could lose the habit of hitting an easy grounder to an infielder every ab, we may improve, if Cuddyer could stop striking out or hitting into dps in every key situation, if nicky punto could find another line of work, if we could keep people off the d.l.oh, never mind.
Posted by: al at April 26, 2007 12:18 PMFH and mhaas -
I think it's actually
"When you are at the game
In the Hormel Row of Fame..."
etc etc
Posted by: Beth at April 26, 2007 12:56 PMDonnaLove: Great entry...
Those of us in the DC area are very familiar with the antics of Sir Sidney...my son who is an Oriole fan warned me about him during spring training. You will keep thinking he will turn it around but he wont...I am now convinced. ERA 8.44--2 losses in a row to KC Royals. Time to go--we dont want to suffer like we did with T-Phat last year (like Adidasman said). Time to look at Slowey 3-0 ERA about 10% of Sir Sid's (0.9).
DAM
Posted by: DAM-DC Twins Fan at April 26, 2007 02:02 PMI went to my fourth game of the year last night, and unfortunately, my third Sid start of the year. Overall record: 1-3. i don't want to stop going to games, i just want to see Sid stop pitching. The loudest the dome got last night was the booing after the home run. Horrible. And oh, the assbats... i can't even start....
Posted by: Tinger at April 26, 2007 02:40 PMI nominate Mike Redmond for BOD for driving in the winning run, thus ending today's 11 inning travesty, the three (four?)game losing streak at home, AND the four game losing streak itself. Good grief. It's heartwrenching being a Twins fan sometimes. Maybe now the assbats will go away for a while.
Posted by: Tricia at April 26, 2007 04:11 PMYES, WE WIN!!!
Posted by: twin-X at April 26, 2007 04:47 PMNo, no, no! It's...
"Now that you are at the game
Are you in the Hormel Row of Fame?
If you're in a lucky seat
You'll win a Hormel hot dog treat!
Great for lunch, great for dinner
YOU WILL BE A WIENER WINNER (I always shout that bit)
In the Hormel Row of Faaaaaaaame!"
I wonder if Platoon's problem is he crosses his eyes
and dots his tees when he pitches.
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