Twins at Cleveland. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Indians 5, Twins 4 (10 innings).
Saturday. Twins 4, Indians 1.
Sunday. Twins 6, Indians 1.
It was a jubilant Twins clubhouse after today's 6-1 victory. Luis Castillo was doing his jumping high five all the way into the showers, until Lew Ford started crying and ran out of the room whimpering something about his personal space.
"I can't believe we pulled it out!" squealed Little Nicky Punto.
"Three of four games!" enthused Josh Rabe.
"After leaving 847 people in scoring position!" exclaimed Jason Bartlett.
If, at this comment, some people on the pitching staff side of the showers looked darkly at the hitters, you would have to forgive them. They've been through a lot. But any moment of tension quickly dissipated, for how tense can you be when you find yourself one game out of the division lead?
But someone was curiously absent from all of the general bonhomie. As the rest of the team celebrated in the showers, one man sat in a dark corner of the clubhouse staring at the ground with roughly the same facial expression as Juan "The Smiling Assassin" Rincon after Game 4 of the 2004 ALDS. It was Little Nicky Punto, just emerging from the showers (after all he doesn't have as much surface area to wash) who noticed him.
"What's wrong Johan??" said Punto, running over to his colleague.
"Oh, nothing."
"Don't be sad, Johan! Be happy!" And with that, he started to sing:
Cheeeeer up! Things'll get better
Cheeeeeer up! How bad can it be?
It's a world full of magic, of unicorns and rainbows
It's a world filled with love for you and me!
In his exuberance, Punto lost hold of his towel and was soon prancing around the clubhouse in lavish dance accompaniment to the song. Unfortunately, Lew Ford chose this moment to emerge from some alone time in the trainer's room, and as soon as he saw the naked, pee-pee-flapping third baseman, he screamed and ran back out the door.
"Do you feel better, El Presidente??"
"I sure do," said Johan. But his words were a lie. As soon as Punto skipped out of the clubhouse, Johan stared at the ground dejectedly again.
At this point, something began to stir in a pile of clothes a few lockers down from Santana. From Scootie Baker's crumpled uniform came a few notes of an eerily familiar song. And then something burst through the pants and hung in the air next to Santana.

The pitcher looked up, raised his eyebrows, and sighed, "Oh, hi Nutty".
"Hello, Johan Santana! Why the long face?"
"Oh, well, I didn't do very well yesterday."
"Oh, really?"
"No, I'm afraid not. The Twins aren't supposed to lose when I start. I have been en fuego, and suddenly….thhhhhpt."
"Le Pauvre!" exclaimed Nutty. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Johan Santana! Not everyone can be Scott Baker."
Santana drew himself up and raised his eyebrows dubiously at the protective cup. But Nutty did not notice. He zipped around the clubhouse, holding his hands to his heart—or he would have if he had hands, or a heart.
"Scott Baker is brave, strong, and true," he continued rhapsodically. "Did you see him today? He was en feu! It was a little sketchy there at first, I admit, and I was one nervous protective cup, and when I get nervous I really tense up, I just squeeze myself up tight! But after that, Scott Baker really started to focus. And every time someone got on base, I just whispered into his ear—well, not his ear, really—'Come on, Scott Baker! Do it for Nutty!' And he did! He got them to hit into a double play! Now that's mastery, Johan Santana. You could really learn something from Scott Baker!"
At this point, Baker himself appeared from the showers. When he heard Nutty's words, the silly grin he'd been wearing faded, and his face turned white.
"Nutty," he whispered, his voice cracking
"Someday, Johan Santana, you'll be as good as Scott Baker," Nutty continued, "and when you are, I just want you to remember your friend Nutty, the Athletic Cup, who first put the dream in your eyes!"
Santana gazed at the cup, then at Baker, who was shaking his head back and forth in horror.
"That's right, you'll feel the first glow of victory, and say, 'I want to thank Nutty, who first told me I could aspire to be all I could be. Of course, I can never be as truly great as Scott Baker, but--'"
"Nutty, shut up! I'm sorry, Mr. Santana...sir," squeaked Scootie. "He doesn't mean it. He doesn't know what he's saying. He's just—"
"That is alright, Scootie," sighed Johan.
"Might I...uh, might I sterilize your flip flops again?"
"That would be nice."
"And I could wax your Hummer, too?"
Santana gazed at the young pitcher, eyebrows raised.
"Um," said Scootie. "I'll just stick to the flip flops."
BatLinks: Batgirl adores this uber sassy new Twins blog Pulling a Blyleven. Also, as the Bitch Sox play the Ligers, Mr. B discusses whom to cheer for. EDIT Aaron provides a contrasting viewpoint.
Posted by Batgirl at September 17, 2006 07:46 PMI heart pulling a blyleven.
i heart the twins.
i get first comment.
Posted by: aurora at September 17, 2006 09:08 PMThanks BG... that brings back some uneasy memories. I used to really hate when my athletic supporter would embarass me with the veterans that way. Sometimes they just seem to have a mind of their own.
Posted by: JimCrikket at September 17, 2006 09:12 PMI'm a happily married woman, but I'd give ten years off the end of my life to wax Johan's Hummer.
Posted by: CarrieICL at September 17, 2006 09:17 PMYay! The return of Nutty. Looks like Tony Gwynn was watching out for us this weekend.
Posted by: Twinsboy at September 17, 2006 09:20 PMThanks BG. I just returned from Jacob's Field after watching our boys Fri and Sat night. Wathing them outside was a real treat. 2010 can't get here fast enough for me. A division title, or two, would be a great way to pass the time, wouldn't it? By the bye, Cleveland's radio guys are great and couldn't say enough good things about the Twins slick defense. It was a great weekend.
Posted by: sld at September 17, 2006 09:28 PMAwwwww, my dear Scott Baker
Posted by: Stacy at September 17, 2006 09:30 PMPerchance was BG in the cups?
(The best I could do. Mr. Crikket beat me to the supporter crack...)
Posted by: E-6 at September 17, 2006 09:30 PM
Johan is blessed by the Gods, it's true. But at the end of the day, he is still human, and it only makes me love him more.
And CarrieICL? Hell to the YEAH.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at September 17, 2006 09:40 PMNutty saying that Johan Santana can "learn something" from Scott Baker??
I think Nutty has been hanging out with Towelie.
Good thing protective cups (and towels) aren't subject to drug testing.
Posted by: bubblemint at September 17, 2006 09:50 PMAcid! Of course! Johan was on acid! That was the problem!
Posted by: Ryan at September 17, 2006 09:51 PMThanks for the links, BG... but I'm going to go on record as disagreeing with Mr B's advice to root for the Tigers over the Bitches this week.
As difficult as it is for me to do so, I'm pulling for the Sox. Yes, I know that it means they would not fall out of contention as soon and could, possibly, even move closer to the Twins in the Wild Card race. I understand that, yes I do.
But I guess I'm just "old school" enough that I hang on to the theory that the idea behind playing all these games is to win your division. period. end of story. And that means, when you are 1 game behind the leader with 13 to play, you want the leader to lose, no matter who they're playing.
It might, MIGHT, be different if the Tigers' remaining schedule consisted of series with other contending teams or maybe even another head to head series with the Twins. But after the WSox series, the Tigers go to Baltimore and KC, then finish at home vs Toronto and KC. The time to pass the Tigers is now and like it or not, we need the Sox to help out.
The goal is the division championship and until that goal is accomplished (or no longer realistic), my 2 favorite teams are the Twins and whomever is playing the Tigers.
Posted by: JimCrikket at September 17, 2006 09:55 PMNice, JC. I agree.
Posted by: sld at September 17, 2006 10:09 PMMr. Cricket, or whatever the gender is, is spot f-ing on: Chisox take 2of 3, Twins take 3 of 3 from Bosox who keep arriving at the park 6 hours early for the "day" game precursor to their losses to our guys. We are 1 up on the Tigers, and 5 up on the whatsis with the Ohmigods and the degenerate royal disfunctional family on the horizon. We do good, Toronto does good, what the Chisox does don't matter, and we win it all-every bit of it.
Posted by: al at September 17, 2006 10:23 PMI would love to hear a KenK update. What's the deal with the Tiger's? Are they going to come out of their funk or are they done for the year?
Posted by: sld at September 17, 2006 10:30 PMOh Nutty. What a character. Scotty Baker needs to control him... but I guess Nutty has had a mind of his own since that fateful game against the Yanks.
Since I can't decide who to root for in the Ligers/Bitchsox series, I'm going to ride the fence. Though I'm still kinda hoping that we win the division and won't have to face the boys in pinstripes.
Let's let the air out of the BoSox sails on Tuesday... they may be feeling pretty good about their series against NY.
Posted by: Shelley at September 17, 2006 10:37 PM"In his exuberance, Punto lost hold of his towel and was soon prancing around the clubhouse in lavish dance accompaniment to the song."
I think the same thing happened back when he was in
the Phillies' farm system and that's why he was traded.
"pee-pee-flapping third baseman"
I think I laughed for a solid 5 minutes. Wow.
Posted by: joel. at September 17, 2006 11:09 PMMr. JimCrikket: Toronto and KC are no pushovers right now. Toronto actually has a very good record in September. The Bitch Sox are not the only tough team in the Tiger's road. Not even the toughest. Wins in September -- Minnesota: 11; New York: 11; Los Angeles: 10; Toronto: 10; Kansas City: 9; Oakland: 9; Boston: 8; Seattle: 8; Texas: 7; Chicago: 6; Cleveland: 6; Detroit: 6; Baltimore: 4; Tampa Bay: 4
Posted by: Brooklynegg at September 17, 2006 11:10 PMMr. B is quite Ok with people taking issue with his choice to be down with the Tigerz, although he wishes those taking the opposing point of view would have expressed their position in verse.
Mr. B would be more comfortable with "al's" position if Boston didn't have its three best starters scheduled to pitch against our guys, although he likes that "al" is basing his argument on a Twins' sweep.
Also, Kansas City is playing very loose and fairly well these days and Mr. B kind of likes that Detroit has to deal with the Royals over the final 2 weekends, in much the same way that he's a touch nervous that the Twins have to play 4 against Kansas City. That's a touch nervous in the same way he was about Silva v. Captain Cheeseburger and Baker v. Bird.
Whatever the case, and whatever your position, this is a fabulous, extraordinary, wondrous debate to be having, don't you think?
Posted by: Mr. Baseball No. 1 at September 17, 2006 11:21 PMYou know, I should be pragmaic and objective like JC, al, and sld. It's perfectly logical, and yes, the division is in the crosshairs now.
But I can't. Because the Bitch Sox are just the Bitch Sox to me, and I just don't want them to win. Ever. If that's ridiculous, then it's ridiculous, but people like Ozzie, Bobby Jenks and AJ just ruin it for me.
I'm always pick a team to root for, even when I really don't care who's playing or who wins, but for those three games, I'm just going to have to be passive.
Oh Nutty. So loyal. Gotta love that. And BG, thank you thank you THANK YOU for an encore of 'Cheeeeer up!'
Posted by: Carmen at September 17, 2006 11:24 PMA little more about the How's Hot information (above): Three of the worst teams (TB, Detroit, Cleveland) have something in common -- they each lost a series to MN this month. Finally, Oakland has 9 wins in September *despite* losing a series to us.
Posted by: Brooklynegg at September 18, 2006 04:22 AMI wonder if Tony Francona is taking his team on a little cruise tomorrow on Lake Minnet... er, Boston Harbor?
"We could use it. We're probably not going to get home until 4 [a.m. on Monday]. It'd be nice to have an off day," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said. "We can ***get everybody a blow*** and come back and have a good series against the Twins, because you know they're gonna be ready to play. This is gonna be a huge series for them."
Click my name for the whole sordid story.
Posted by: Kurtis at September 18, 2006 07:24 AMCarmen,
The BitchSox are quite hateable, but what do you do when September rolls around and you have to choose between rooting for the BitchSox or the overpaid Mercenaries of New York (Heaven forbid it ever get to that). Right now I am just exuberant about how well we are doing.
Posted by: Zebano at September 18, 2006 07:31 AMMr. Francona - I think chose better words next time....
You had to bring up that moment in Boo's career?!? You know I couldn't eat for days after that game - I think I was more upset then Boo =p
Naked flapping pee-pees everywhere - that could be dangerous -no?!?
Does Nick always look so serious when he's at the plate?!? I guess I never noticed.
Hmm who to root for - I guess - the Sox?!?!
I hate these types of series - I'll just root for my boys and let the cups land where they may=)
Happiest of Mondays!
Much Love
Wonder Woman
PS - BG - did you see a new cycle of America's Next Top Model starts this Wednesday =)
Amazing Race last night - I wonder how some of our boys would do in that??
No, no, no, kiddies - it's muy simplista. The Tigres are but one game ahead of our intrepid lads. If we do our jobs and take at least two of three from the smoking, battle-scarred hulk that once was the Boston Red Sox, we'll be in great shape as far as Detroit is concerned no matter what happens. However, if the Tigres can sweep the Bitches whilst we win two of three, the eveil Chicagoans will be six games back...and basically out of the race. We can then catch the Tigres over the weekend as we pummel the Oreos, and the rest is, as they say, history.
Besides, can any of us honestly say we'd ever root for the Bitches? I didn't think so.
Posted by: adidasman at September 18, 2006 08:44 AMOh, and let me send a message out to my boy Bradke - we're going to be at the game Sunday in Baltimore. If you'd be so kind as to figure out a way to start that contest, thus giving me one last chance to see you before your incredibly heroic and inspiring career ends, I'd be ever so grateful. Just give it some thought.
Posted by: adidasman at September 18, 2006 08:46 AMshoe-guy! I agree, also knowing the fragile psychs of the south siders, if they find themselves 5 or 6 behinf ud with 7 games to go, they will slice their wrists.
Posted by: bhedrick at September 18, 2006 08:52 AMTo sld, who axed about the Tigers: They're hurt, limping and stumbling down the stretch, but they're definitely not done for the season. The funk you referred to has been pretty much due to the fact that they forgot how to hit in the second half of August and the first half of September, but they seem to have remembered where they left their bats, and sent someone to pick them up or had them DHLed to the ballpark, because in the series just completed against the Birds of Baltimore they scored 27 runs in three games. Though they lost the last one, it wasn't because they were using the holographic bats they'd been using in prior weeks; it was because they were cobbling together a pitcher out of half-a-dozen pieces parts and gave up a dozen runs. But those in the actual gen-u-wine starting staff seem to be doing just fine, which gives them four good chances out of every five games remaining. If the bats don't get lost again, they'll cross the line in a Finnish photo with your Twins and make it a very exciting last-day nail biter of a season.
Mike Maroth (remember him? having a terrific season up until late May, when he needed elbow surgery?) is back, but only as a closely-monitored low-pitch-count reliever. Out of the bullpen (a role he's never been in before) he's been used for a few batters here and there, and been neither as great as he was early this year nor terrible. He will probably be used in a Rolaids role the rest of the season and post.
Bonderman seemed to find his happy zone the other night, after a month of great outings marred by sudden meltdown innings (a syndrome which began when your boys sprinkled magic dust on him in the eighth inning at the Damndome six weeks ago, now that I think about it), and might finally be out from under the curse. His next outing (against the Southside Psychos) will tell us whether he is cured or cursed.
The hurtfullest thing right now is the continuing absence of Polly (Placido Polanco) from second base, and from second in the batting order. It was when he went down with a separated shoulder (making a spectacular play at Fenway) that the great funk really began; they miss his feisty bat, his bunts, his singles, his advance-the-runners-at-all-costs attitude and ability, his ohmigod glove and double-playfulness. He was an important part of the batting order and the infield, and without him, the team is a little gut-punched. But they're hanging on, teeth and toenails, and they won't let go of anything. If the Twins and the Bitch Sox want it, they'll have to tear it physically from the clenched teeth and claws of the Tigers. Which is how it should be, of course: victory that comes easily just doesn't taste as good. To be fully savored, it has to have blood on it.
My prediction is the Tigers and Twins go right down to the bitter end fighting for places one and two, and the Bitch Sox will be playing golf in October. And that's just fine by me.
(Since you asked.)
I'm nervous about the Red Sox, Batgirl. They aren't your everyday spoiler wanna bes. Will you be at Fenway to make sure Torii doesn't do anything foolhardy in the outfield?
Posted by: nailbiter at September 18, 2006 09:06 AMZebano, I have a a friend who exchanges baseball-related messages with me every day, and one day she said, in the driest tone possible: "Yankees versus White Sox. Who d'you hate more?" I was nearly crying with laughter, because she's right...such a hard choice. You're right, I am just concentrating on loving our boys and not bothering about the rest.
'Smoking, battle-scarred hulk that was once the Red Sox'...that you for including that in my morning, adidasman.
Posted by: Carmen at September 18, 2006 09:16 AMI don't care who wins between the Chiggers and the TightSox. I just hope the first game rages on for over 200 frustrating, awful, demoralizing innings and ends in the wee hours of Thursday morning, immediately followed by a double header to make up for the games they missed.
Posted by: Kurtis at September 18, 2006 09:18 AMDearest Kurtis -
I just took those quizzes you posted on the other thread -
I'm our Tiny Super Hero - Nick Punto
and Vincent - from what I know that can't be good - huh?? Oh dear - I have to believe I'm more likable - at least I hope=) & I'm not that quirky -I don't think =)
I loved that Roy Smalley called Nick - Nicky Punto the whole game -he was just missing the Little =)
Adidasman - I hope you get to see Brad =)
I hate Mondays -
Much Love
Wonder Woman
Actually Johan drives a suped up black dodge ram, not a hummer. It's very pretty, but still a guzzler I suppose...
Posted by: ryne case at September 18, 2006 09:45 AMhttp://www.startribune.com/508/story/683425.html
Oh geez...just when your ready to put a guy on your s--tlist...he steps up & goes 2 for 3 w/ a couple of RBI's.
And THEN says something like this?
~it's been the best 17 days of my baseball life~
*squishes Philly in a big ol' bear hug* Welcome to love!
I :heart: roleplayers.
Posted by: jamar1700 at September 18, 2006 10:12 AMBat Girl, you dare mock The Johan? Even in jest, you flirt with damnation from the Gods.
Johan transcends our mortal concepts of time and space. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
Posted by: JohnWayne at September 18, 2006 10:17 AMI love how Nutty makes everybody uncomfortable.
Posted by: Roscoe at September 18, 2006 10:21 AMCarrie: A-freaking-MEN, sister.
BG: Thank you again for expanding my vocabulary and making me laugh out loud.
Posted by: wc at September 18, 2006 11:05 AMBG: Outstanding Post--could not stop laughing.
I hope Adidasman gets his wish and sees Bradke at the yard next weekend. It would be a nice send off.
Let me weigh in on the Tigers vs. ChiSox debate with a point nobody has made. We need to win division get homefield and avoid opening October play in the Bronx. It hurts to say this but we need the Bitch Sox to win this week.
Ken K--I think the Tiggers made a HUGE mistake when they put Casey at first and sent Shelton down--played with his ego and Shelton was big part of Tigers opening start.
DAM
Posted by: DAM-DC Twins Fan at September 18, 2006 11:09 AMDAM,
I was mildly concerned about the psychological effect that move might have on Shelton at first. But the simple fact was, he wasn't hitting (even before the rest of the team stopped) and they wanted him to work out whatever glitch was witching his swing. The AAA club was the logical place to do so. (He didn't hit in AAA either, unfortunately, and hasn't done much in the limited appearances he's made since he came back up.) They were also looking for a left-handed bat, and Casey was apparently the best fit available.
I think what screwed Shelton up was hitting all those home runs the first month of the season. All the reporters and interviews and attention seemed to mess with his head, and perhaps he started thinking, "Gee, I must be a home run hitter!" He started dropping his shoulder and upper-cutting everything, aiming for the fences. And he started striking out or popping up every time he came up to bat. He changed his entire approach at the plate. The shame of it is, he was (and maybe will again be) a very good hitter, but his natural stroke is much more level, geared to line drives, and good for lots of singles and doubles to all parts of the field, with the occasional homer as a bonus. If he can get back to that, he'll be fine.
Unfortunately, Casey is no real solution to the hole they were trying to fill, even if he does bat lefty. But every team has its problems. *sigh* C'est la vie. C'est la guerre. C'est la baseball.
KenK
Perhaps my Chicago heritage is affecting my view here, but wouldn't anyone else just relish an ALCS showdown between us and the Bitch Sox? It's great - we get homefield, it's just the ultimate battle of all battles. PLUS, wouldn't all of us prefer to face someone besides the Yankees in the ALCS? Hence, the wild card must be a team who might beat the Yanks, and I'd give the Bitch Sox much more of a chance than the Ligers. (PS If the Yanks win, we don't get homefield second round)
All in all, much as I want the Bitch Sox to lose, both my desire for the best for our boys AND my love for storied baseball drama lead me to want the Bitch Sox to win the wild card.
(Ducking and running for cover....)
Posted by: twinsprof at September 18, 2006 12:21 PMAnd even the all-knowing Aaron seems to have missed the fact that Oakland could easily end up with a better record than us and (even if we win the division) deny us homefield in the first round. But that worked micely last time...
Posted by: twinsprof at September 18, 2006 12:24 PMRD thinks the whole "for whom to root" issue is just borrowing somebody else's troubles.
Posted by: RonDavis at September 18, 2006 01:28 PMDear Mr.Davis,
Take it up with Mr. Baseball.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
twinsprof--That scenario has played out in my head, too. Me thinks the Black Sox scare the Evil Empire and we definitely scare the Black Sox. So using Blank Blyleven's California math: Minny > Sox > Yanks.
Actually, I just want our guys in the playoffs, and as Wonder W said, let the cups fall where they may. Can't believe how exciting these past few months of baseball have been. Buckle up, Batlings. It's gonna be an even WILDER finish...
*breaks into withdrawl sweats without game scheduled today*
Posted by: E-6 at September 18, 2006 01:34 PMRE: Kurtis' linked article.
Wouldn't the fact that Eastern Seaboard Poopy Network SHOWED the AL East rivarly count as "hype"?
Posted by: Piranhtachew at September 18, 2006 03:21 PM"Pulling a Blyleven" was very funny. Thanks for the link, BG. It really made my day. Also, I LOVE IT when you write those little stories having to do with Twins players. They are MUY hilarious. I CRACKED UP when I read this line:
"It was Little Nicky Punto, just emerging from the showers (after all he doesn't have as much surface area to wash) who noticed him."
HA HA! He really doesn't have as much surface area as the other players! *sigh* I love LNP. He's so adorable.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at September 18, 2006 05:49 PMI was trying to explain to a friend who Nutty was. Let's just say they gave me a strange look.
This is a great Blog!
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Posted by: Karson at April 19, 2007 11:36 PM