Twins at Kansas City. Royals 3, Twins 1.
It was in the sixth inning that the music began to play.
Dee doo doo doo, dee doot doot doo,
On the mound, Scott Baker turned white as a sheet.
"Oh, no," he muttered. Baker looked right and left. No one else had seemed to notice a thing. Maybe he hadn't—
Dee doot doo doo doo doot doot.
He had. Baker surreptitiously looked down, and hissed, "Not now!"
Dee doo doo doo, dee doot doot doo,
"Hey, Scottie," called Justin Morneau from his post at first base. "Why are you talking to your crotch?"
Dee doo doo—dee de doot doot doot!
"Oh, crap!" whispered Baker, as his pants burst open and the opening credits began to roll:
He was born inside Scott Baker's pants one day,
He came on out to see what was up.
Now he floats around and has a lot to say,
He's Nutty--the athletic cup!
Yes, Nutty had come out once again, and was ready to spread his own special brand of joy and love throughout the world. "Hi boys and girls!" he exclaimed as he floated near Scott Baker's head. "I'm Nutty, The Athletic Cup!"
Joe Mauer quickly called time and rushed toward the mound, the home plate ump close behind.
"Not now, Nutty!" said Baker through gritted teeth. "I'm pitching!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Scott Baker!" enthused Nutty. "It's always a good time for Nutty, the Protective Cup! Boys and girls, do you know what a slider is? Here, Scott," said Nutty, floating into Baker's hands, "show them a slider grip!"
"I'm not going to do that, Nutty!"
"You're no fun, Scott Baker!" said Nutty. "Hey, Joe Mauer, will you show the boys and girls a slider grip?"
"Man," said Mauer, "I'm not touching your cup!"
"Fine Joe Mauer!" sniffed Nutty. "Be that way! You should know it's not a good idea to piss off a protective cup!" He glared pointedly at Mauer's crotch.
"Young man," said the ump, "can't you get your athletic cup under control?"
"No!" exclaimed Baker. "If I could he wouldn't come bursting out of my pants like this!"
"Bursting out of your pants with love, Scott Baker! I just want to spread my message of happiness and baseball to children all across the world. How about a change-up, Joe Mauer! Show the kids a change-up!"
"How the hell did this happen?" asked the ump.
"I don't know," said Baker. "I was at practice one day and he just came out and starting talking to me. Now he won't leave me alone. It's horrible, horrible!"
"That's right Scott Baker!" exclaimed Nutty cheerfully. "I'm your best friend!" He cleared his throat and began to sing in his high voice:
[To hear Nutty's melody click here! Now, you can sing along with Nutty!]
I was born inside Scott Baker's pants one day,
I came on out to see what was up.
Now I float around and have a lot to say,
I'm Nutty—the athletic cup.
"Look," said the umpire turning to Baker, "either you put that cup back in your pants or I'm going to boot you out of this game."
"Boot Scott Baker?" exclaimed Nutty. "How could you, Umpire! He's my friend! You're mean and I hate you!" Nutty whirled around and whizzed over to home plate.
"No, Nutty!" called Baker, "Don't!"
"It's okay, Scott Baker!" called Nutty. "I'm here to protect you!"
And with that, Nutty turned again and flew directly into the ump's crotch while Scott Baker put his head in his hands and began to weep softly.
From the bench, the other Twins watched, wide-eyed. "Wow, that cup is crazy," said Ruben "Reuben" Sierra.
"I guess that's why they call him Nutty," said Little Nicky Punto, shaking his head.
Rondell White turned to him and blinked. "Well," he said. "Not really."
Is our new hitting coach Alicia Silverstone? Cause so far the hitters look CLUELESS!
Posted by: Scotty_Dawg at April 26, 2006 10:36 PMI like that Nutty calls Scott Baker Scott Baker every single time. Full names are fun.
Posted by: Ryan at April 26, 2006 10:38 PMI am just sitting here cracking up in my room... this is so amazing! Welcome back, BG!
Posted by: Hannah! at April 26, 2006 11:05 PMBG, you HAVE to print up Nutty t-shirts. I'm serious. Put me down for two of them, XL.
Posted by: jimbaseball at April 26, 2006 11:06 PMnutty vs scooter. I wanna see 'em fight!
Of course, now I've got "nutty the athletic cup" stuck in my head.
Posted by: goesboom at April 26, 2006 11:06 PMTeehee. Nice song BG.
Did anyone else hear Dick and Bert talking about Bert's favorite Dutch food that his father used to make? Apparently it's really good but it gives Bert bad gas. (I can't remember the name of the food at the moment)
I was watching the game on my computer in a coffee shop with my headphones in and was chuckling outloud to myself when they were discussing that.
Posted by: Shelley at April 26, 2006 11:09 PMI spent the night in an emergency room with my son - he caught a bat on his elbow (he's a catcher).
Looking at the boxscore, I think I had more fun than those of you who watched/listened to the Twins game tonight.
P.S. He's OK; stitches & a bruise, fortunately.
Nutty needs to replace the Evil Baseball in the Save LNP Game.
Okay, maybe not.
Posted by: TD at April 26, 2006 11:32 PMhahaha! Much better than recapping the boring-ass game... The only thing I can think is that all the Twins were sluggish tonight from taking too much Ambiorix? Although we did get circled by Bert last night, and got tossed baseballs from Juan Castro, Luis Castillo, AND Justin Morneau this week. Watch for our "We [HEART] the Twins" sign tomorrow, too! :)
Posted by: aussie at April 27, 2006 12:04 AMWow. That is hilarious!
Posted by: Candace at April 27, 2006 12:11 AMIt seems that the Twins finally get a quality start, but now the hitting went to the tank. This was not a great performance from the hitters. Royals pitching has been so hideous yet our hitters have made the Royals pitchers as the White Sox pitchers out there. To me, that shows you that the hitters have made zero progress and some of the vets are underacheiving. Only guy that has really been consistent is Lew and Tony Batista.
There were some great things though. Justin homered to cut the lead 2-1. He has had a good month. Scotty pitched much better. You have to like Jesse getting the big strikeout.
You hate to say that we have another must-win game, but we do. Twins need to win today with the red-hot TIgers coming up this weekend at Comerica Park. You lose the series to KC and then you got yourself a problem.
Posted by: Leslie Monteiro at April 27, 2006 03:53 AMScotty: I don't want to be down on Joe Vavra since it's only one month, but it can't be a great sign when all the players are talking to Tony and Rod about their hitting. There was a piece about Vavra in the Pioneer Press last week in which guys like Torii, Rondy, Justin, and Joe all went up to someone else for hitting stance and stuff. They did the right thing. They gotta do what will help them succeed. However, Vavra is going to have to an input on something since he is being paid to do so. He can't just sit behind the scenes.
There were much more hitting coaches that were more qualified than Vavra. Twins did not want to fork up to get Don Baylor or someone good.
I would keep Vavra only because this team will likely be rebuilding from scratch. Maybe he can feel comfortable working with guys like Kubel, Bartlett, Mauer, and Morneau. Guys that are going to have to listen to him. It's rare that the veterans will listen to a no-name guy that most people never heard of. I think Vavra can only make an impact if he can work with the kids exclusively and if the veterans just get got out of Dodge.
BD57: Good to see your son is okay.
Posted by: Leslie Monteiro at April 27, 2006 03:55 AMmaybe they are wearing the wrong size shoes. Vavra could take them to footlocker or something.
p.s. don't like to nit pick but Justin's homer tied it 1-1.
Oops my bad on Justin's HR.
Posted by: Leslie Monteiro at April 27, 2006 05:19 AMBG I am crying and laugh so loud I woke up half the house. I love it!
Posted by: Mary at April 27, 2006 05:43 AMBwah-ha-ha-ha!
I'm laughing so hard the cats came in to the office to see what's up. I'm glad I didn't read this at work.
Thanks, BG, this is a gem.
Posted by: Angela at April 27, 2006 08:20 AMIs it too early to start praying to Tony Gwynn?
Posted by: Jeff A at April 27, 2006 08:41 AMVery funny and only mildly disturbing. Yet another hit to add to the Batgirl album! Move over Kelly Clarkson.
Posted by: soccerfan at April 27, 2006 09:19 AMPoor Scotty Baker.
Posted by: Rach at April 27, 2006 09:52 AMI have actual tears from laughing so hard.
Posted by: Stacy at April 27, 2006 09:57 AMBeautiful work BG -
Also a lesson to all the kids out there on proper use of punctuation.
Without it the phrase: ["Fine Joe Mauer!" sniffed Nutty.]
could have read: [Fine Joe Mauer sniffed Nutty.]
Eeew. The Chairman - a Nutty sniffer.
Thanks again for using proper punctuation.
Posted by: Hegs at April 27, 2006 10:10 AMI have now been laughing at that for 5 straight hours - my coworkers are about to call the men in the white coats...
Posted by: MikeinMA at April 27, 2006 11:59 AMGardy looks pretty happy to see Nutty. Rumor has it Gardy and Nutty's dad go back to his playing days.
Posted by: Skorch at April 27, 2006 12:42 PMAnyone else notice Joe mauer changed his stance to just a little open. And If Rod and Tony O. were around i'd go to them too but Tori's comments really hurt Varva creditablity before the season even started like any of the vet's are going to ask for help anyway.
Posted by: Paul at April 27, 2006 02:05 PMHe is never going to live that down, is he...
Posted by: Sarah at April 27, 2006 03:12 PMThat was hilarious! XD Oh, and it seems as though Twins won 2 outta 3 from Kansas City. That's the least I can ask for. Win Twins!
Posted by: JJC at April 27, 2006 03:14 PMCrush.
Posted by: BloodyP at April 27, 2006 04:01 PMHere's the thing - Torii won't consult with Vavra because he never made it to the majors... has anyone mentioned to Torii that if we were relying on his hitting, he wouldn't be in the majors either?
Posted by: likeTwinsluvCubs at April 27, 2006 05:01 PMWe were @ that game. It was funny b/c we had no idea what was going on. We thought he had to go to the restroom to "potty." He did pitch a gem though.
Posted by: Mel at April 27, 2006 10:24 PMI am crying I am laughing so hard. Dear god woman, that is just unfairly funny.
Posted by: Boston Fan in Michigan at April 28, 2006 12:53 PMBG, when the original Nutty incident took place, i quietly lamented that you were not here to take advantage of such an opportunity. Here you have done so, and in a way that surpassed even my funniest dreams. Wow. :)
Posted by: AT at April 28, 2006 02:22 PMwell i have a funny story to tell you all about nutty the nutcup...it saved my kids on friday. and how it all went down was we had optional hitting practice so i went just to get some cuts in and work on my stance and all that stuff and yeah one of the kids was taking cuts and i didn't know it so i was walking around and WHAM!!!! i got nailed right in the nutcup by a full force swing by one of the kids on my team and that was definetly the most painful moment of my life and now my friends have even more ammo on me
Posted by: CB at April 29, 2006 10:50 AM