Cleveland at Twins. Twins 4, Indians 1.
Batgirl can't quite remember the provenance of all this exuberant nose-touching the Twins are doing. You know what she means—whenever someone does something good they look into the dugout and tap their noses. Jeb says it comes from Mike Redmond, who with runners in scoring position is fond of yelling, "SMELL 'EM." This is all fun and games until you consider Mr. Redmond's nudist predilections.
Regardless, while there was a lot of smelling going on around the Dome this weekend, it was more of the nose-holding variety. That is the sort of thing that makes a (bat) girl end up in a hole. How the team that accomplished the preternatural miracle of winning two games from the Tigers could suddenly suck beyond all recognition is a great mystery. Batgirl thinks Lew Ford, desperate to contribute to the team while he was on the DL, came up with a plan. He would build a wayback machine and journey through time to kidnap last year's 3-5 starters, install them in the rotation, and then all would be well again in Twinsland. (He, naturally, didn't think of the consequences of his actions, as any Star Trek viewer knows, once Silva '05 and Silva '06 ran into each other in the clubhouse, the whole space time continuum would be destabilized and one would have to give up himself to save the other and the whole world and with our luck it would be the one with the low ERA.) Well, Lew built his machine and, as these things go, something went very wrong with the flux capacitor and what emerged in the clubhouse Thursday morning was last year's offense. Naturally, it took a few days to figure things out, though they should have had some clue when Justin Morneau got boils and Little Nicky Punto was heard humming "My Humps." Needless to say, once they did figure out what had happened, Lew got benched. Again.
Well, it took some doing to right things again and there was a moment where the thing threatened to reverse itself and suck in Brad Radke all the way to last year, who hung onto the clubhouse towel racks for dear life, shouting SWEET JESUS NO I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE, and from the ethereal distance Christopher Lloyd shouted, "Then pitch, my good man, pitch like you've never pitched before!" and Bradke held onto his hair and closed his eyes tight and said, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home," and the flux capacitor exploded and all was back to normal.
Mostly. As you may expect, the explosion left a rift in the fabric of time that lingered in the clubhouse. "Do you see that?" Juan Rincon said to Pat Neshek. "That's a portal that will take you all the way back to last year."
"Cool!" said Neshek.
"No, no, it's horrible! Horrible! You must stay far far away, my young friend, or else all your worst nightmares will come true."
But before tonight's game, Johan Santana called the team together in front of the rift. "You see this?" he said, speaking loudly over the giant sucking sound. "This great big hole wants to take us back to last year. And we have been afraid of it—yes, I see it in your eyes, Justin Morneau and Michael Cuddyer and Little Nicky Punto. But we must not be afraid. Together, we are stronger than all the sucking forces in the world!"
"Yeah!" shouted the Twins.
"Now, go on," exhorted Johan. "Look into this horrible abyss. Gaze at your fears, then scoff at them, laugh at them, spit in it if you must. For it is 2006, and we do not suck anymore."
Well one by one the Twins lined up to stare into the abyss, to confront it, to mock it and eventually—yes, to overcome. And if the 2005 Twins found great loogies being hocked at them from above, they surely did not notice, for they had their own problems. And if Carlos Silva tried surreptitiously to crawl in, well, can you blame him? When the last player was done, the Twins rose up and stormed the field, the sucking sound all but forgotten until after the game when after all the players had left and Mike Redmond had finished sweeping and prepared to shut off the lights for the night, gazed at the abyss, put his finger on his nose and said, "Smell This."
BatNote: Tonight, Baseball Tonight will be featuring Twins All-Time Web Gems. Thanks to Will for the heads up! Please note that in the clip Matt Weiner refers to Justin Morneau as our catcher. And they say we get no respect...
Jump the gun a little? You know the Indians scored, right? I mean, denial is cool. I spend a lot of time there.
Posted by: Woo at August 15, 2006 10:56 PMDear Mr/Ms Woo,
Indeed. Batgirl blocked out that run in her mind. It is now fixed. Life shall go on.
Denially yours,
BG
i would pay money to see nick punto singing 'my humps'.
but yes. the game was incredible and cuddy definitely deserves to be boyfriend of the day.
and i thuroughyl scolded joe nathan for allowing that run. darn you, joe...
Posted by: Elle at August 15, 2006 11:11 PMI love this year's Twins team. And Batgirl's game recaps. And my wife. She just changed the channel to ESPN and announced, "Time for Baseball Tonight. Or as I like to call it... foreplay."
Posted by: twayn at August 15, 2006 11:12 PM"[Bradke] who hung onto the clubhouse towel racks for dear life, shouting SWEET JESUS NO I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE"
There's a visual. I hope that didn't affect his bad shoulder having to hold onto those towel racks.
Posted by: Shelley at August 15, 2006 11:57 PMYou know the reason the Doctor went hitless? Only one '34' on the field. Damn grounds crew. Don't they know how superstitious the young Canadian is? He needs two '34's because he only hits safely when there are two! It's just a piece of turf-fix it please.
Posted by: Erin at August 16, 2006 12:19 AMKilling me. You're just killing me here!
Every story is better with a Flux Capacitor.
Posted by: Josh at August 16, 2006 12:33 AMI know this is "less stats," but Peralta? 2 for 22 vs. Johan, 17 K's? Johan toys with him like a cat torturing a half-dead mouse. I hope everyone is ready for more ESPN exposure next year. This team simply has too much starpower, and ESPN loves Santana. They will help carry him to the Cy Young, and of course, they love Liriano. Really, I would say, to the point of ignoring Verlander a little bit. That kid is nasty. ESPN is not into the Tigers at all. Lamers.
And the Chairman on SI's cover, Morneau making an MVP run (even if he is trying to sabotage it now)... that is a ton of star power. Not to mention that guy out there in CF... anyway, I'm hoping I'm right. I want more HD action next season, damnit.
money for nothin, I want my Twins in HDTV...
clay jr:
That's why we should start referring to him as Jhonny-K.
Nothing good ends up coming from time travel, huh? All one gets is assbats, war with the Klingons, multiple Carlos Silvas (or should that be Carloses Silva), and the occasion fish in a pond that shouldn't have any.
Posted by: neutrino boi at August 16, 2006 06:23 AMAs scary as time travel itself might be, I think the true danger to the universe comes from mixing Star Trek and Back to the Future references. Nothing good can come from the possibility of Christopher Lloyd's Klingon character coming face to face with his BTTF "doc". A missing "34" along the first base line would be the least of our worries, I'm quite certain. Now all we need is a "yoda" appearance and we can sit back and watch the book of Revelation come to life before our very eyes... either that or watch as the Royals storm back to win the World Series.
Posted by: JimCrikket at August 16, 2006 08:26 AM"the occasion fish in a pond that shouldn't have any"
As long as we get the ZPM to Atlantis, everything will work out fine.
Hope I got that reference right. By the way, of what I saw of the game it was great. Stupid friends calling and saying their car is stalled. The Twins are on! Call later.
Posted by: The Other Dave at August 16, 2006 08:53 AM
Wait, there was baseball last year?
Huh.
I don't remember that AT ALL...
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 16, 2006 09:00 AMUh.... yeah. I got the Back to the Future bit, but y'all lost me in the comments here. In any case, I lost track of how many times I looked at the TV last night and just *siiggghhhhed* -- JOHAN. So beautiful, so dominant, and SO OURS.
Posted by: WC at August 16, 2006 09:00 AMAlso on that EPSN page about the Twins web gems: "Added all up, the Devil Rays have been a fun team to watch since their inception in 1998."
Zuh? It's a non-sequitur on so many levels.
Posted by: Roscoe at August 16, 2006 10:06 AMGreat game. Santana was back in form, which is a beautiful thing. Hopefully Silva does his 2005 impression tonight, 'cause we're going to that one.
On a related-note, I had an inspiring idea for a Joe Mauer-related t-shirt this morning. Click my name for the details and mock-up.
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at August 16, 2006 10:32 AMBG, I come with hat in hand, beseeching you to shower favor back on an old, one-time friend who has been CAST OUT and seeks a return to the family. At least give him the Fredo treatment for me (click on my name). Give him a link on the lips before you send him out fishing.
Posted by: brianS at August 16, 2006 10:51 AMEverytime I visit bat-girl.com, I laugh. I just recently watched Back to the Future and Back to the Future Part 2, so I thought that mentioning the Flux Capacitor was very funny. I was ticked that #34 was missing from the right field line. Stupid football. I was also ticked when they walked Mauer to get to Cuddyer (but pleased that Cuddyer stuck his tongue out at them by getting a 2-run double) and walked Morneau after that. They were just afraid. Too bad they paid for it by losing the game 4-1. Salt-Man, I loved the t-shirt idea. Twayn, I would also pay money to hear LNP sing "My Humps". LOL. I can just imagine that. I was disappointed that Joe Nathan was pitching because he makes me nervous WITHOUT allowing any runs.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at August 16, 2006 11:16 AMNeutrino bol: I think the plural of Carlos Silva is actually Carlos Silvi. And may they both pitch well tonight. Hey! Maybe if there are two of them they could pull off a complete game. Go Silvi!
Posted by: TwinsKiz at August 16, 2006 12:22 PMMaybe the plural of Carlos Silva is Carlos Silvae (since the plural of amoeba is amoebae).
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at August 16, 2006 01:26 PMTwinsKiz:
Indeed. What could be funner than two Silvi?
Baseball O' Death
Posted by: baseball o' death at August 16, 2006 02:04 PMTo see a clip of Santana's wink, click on my name. Heheee...
Here's hoping the Silvi/Slivae are ready to roll tonight, and our bats are ready to back "them" up! Win Twins!
Posted by: Newton at August 16, 2006 02:39 PMBaseball o' Death:
Obviously the only thing that could be more fun than two Silvi is three Silvi.
We could be solving the number five spot problem here...
Posted by: TwinsKiz at August 16, 2006 03:19 PMI think if we're seriously discussing something akin to cloning to solve back end of the rotation issues, I'd recommend 2 or 3 Santanae rather than Silvae. Just sayin...
Posted by: JimCrikket at August 16, 2006 03:27 PMYes. Two or three Santanae would be preferable to two or three Silvae.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at August 16, 2006 04:00 PMWell, we DID already clone Santana, but unfortunately clone #1 is out with a shoulder injury.
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at August 16, 2006 04:01 PMMatt Weiner is a weiner. Dumb.
Posted by: ForMorneau at August 16, 2006 04:41 PMIf anyone is interested I put together a Twins page that pulls news feeds from the top Twins blogs and media outlets.
http://www.dcdeal.com/twins/
Posted by: Z at August 16, 2006 09:36 PMBookmarked, Z. Thanks!
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at August 17, 2006 10:23 AM