The Battys

Baltimore at Twins. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Twins 7, O's 5. (12 innings).
Saturday. O's 9, Twins 7.
Sunday. Twins 4, O's Goose Egg.

It's Tonys night and Batgirl is sure all the Minnesota Twins are huddled around Torii Hunter's big screen TV eating Kyle Lohse's meat pies and arguing over their own picks. Little Nicky Punto likes the intoxicating twenties flair of The Drowsy Chaperone while Michael Cuddyer prefers the toe-tapping charms of Jersey Boys, while Juan Rincon sits sulkily in a corner stroking his Pretty Woman DVD and muttering, "Julia was robbed."

In that spirit, Batgirl has decided to award THE FIRST ANNUAL BATTY AWARDS, based on this weekend of baseball. Awards lean heavily toward Sunday because now that BG's 33 26, she can't remember so far back.

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And now, without further ado: The 2006 Battys!

Best Use of a Boom-Boom Stick in a Victory: Dr. Justin Morneau for Friday's 12th inning homer allowing BG to go to bed. Also nominated, Dr. Justin Morneau and Dr. Justin Morneau.

Best Totally Fruitless Use of a Boom-Boom Stick: Michael Cuddyer, hitting his second grand slam of the week in a losing performance on Saturday.

Best 'Nam Flashback: T-Fat, who dodged much broken bat shrapnel to field a grounder today. Also to T-Fat: Best Know Your Limits, for stretching to the very outer limits of his postage stamp range to miss a Miggy double down the third base line by only two or three feet. Keep reaching for your dreams T-Fat!

Best Performance by a Blind Man: I'm sorry, home plate ump Ed Rapuano, but if Joe Mauer says it’s a ball, it's a ball. When the Chairman strikes out after getting to 3-0 with the bases loaded, you can pretty much guess you did something wrong.

Best Revival: Torii Hunter and Michael Cuddyer for popping up and GIDP respectively after the Twins loaded the bases in the first inning on Saturday, in a stunning rendition of last year's smash hit The Bases Are Loaded But Nobody's Home.

Best Tease: Francisco Liriano for walking Brian Roberts to lead-off the game, making them think they might not make asses of themselves the rest of the game. Psych!

Best Mime: Ron Gardenhire, illustrating for Ed Rapuano the intricacies of a foul tip with commitment, passion, and precision. Next up for Gardenhire—Man in shrinking box.

Best Payback: Little Nicky Punto showing Rapuano a real foul tip--in his face. Squeaked Punto, "That's for Cuddy, you bastard!"

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Best Payback 2: You see, Carlos, you make the team wear pixie vests, you're going to blow. Let that be a warning to you.

Best Reason to Hide LNP in a Toybox:

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Best Reappearance of a Missing Man: The Nathanest of Joes, reemerging from the mists of time to pitch in two games this weekend. Please don't leave us again, Joe.

Best Bad Day: Joe Mauer, going 1 for 4 on Sunday. Get it together, Chairman. Jesus.

Best Everything: Francisco "the Kid" Liriano. 7 innings, one hit, six K's, and one fabulous future.

Posted by Batgirl at June 11, 2006 10:32 PM
Comments

All very worthy award winners, BG... but I'm confused... why would you name these awards after the Twins' 1960s-era catcher?

;)

JC

Posted by: JimCrikket at June 11, 2006 11:42 PM

One final award...an honorary Batty we, your Batlings, would like to bestow upon YOU, dear Batgirl:

"Most beloved Twins blogger who never ceases to amaze us and amuse us on a (practically) daily basis, but of course we understand that even the best writers certainly deserve a day off, especially when that day off still involves going to a Twins game to meet with many of her loyal Batlings and obtain a Brad Radke bobblehead (even if it is dressed in a pixie vest, which I really wonder whether Bradke actually sanctioned, I mean, it wasn't a Silva bobblehead for God's sake, what in the hell were they thinking??) with her unique and wonderful sense of the absurd, sublime, and surreal when it cames to any and all things Twins.

Thank you Batgirl, for all you do.

I'm glad the guys came through with a win for you today!!

Posted by: bubblemint at June 11, 2006 11:57 PM

I hadn't realized that it was a bobblehead day until I got to the gate. Oh well...I didn't have room in my bag for the trip back to Raleigh anyhow.

Posted by: mk at June 12, 2006 05:54 AM

D'oh! I forgot this was the game where so many Batlings would be there or I'd've swung by the section to say "hi" to Batgirl and company. My husband and my folks and I were in our "usual" ridiculously good seats in 127 for the game. We liked the guys a section or two over who were chanting "foul tip" in later innings of the game. And we laughed so hard when we saw the group of 10-year-old boys who had all used black marker to paint on Mauer-eque sideburns. Hee!

And hey-- who was that on the 4 bus heading downtown for the game with the Batgirl sweatshirt and the Free Bartlett button? My husband and I were on the bus in full Twins mode, but didn't want to bug ya once you had your headphones on (presumably listening to Dazzle and Gordo). So, um, a belated "hi".

That was a fun game. Each of our pitchers gave up a hit though, jeez! And Joe only had that one hit! Harrumph.

Posted by: Laurel Krahn at June 12, 2006 07:59 AM

Being out of town all weekend I didn't get to watch the games. Super summary BG! Muchas Gracias!

Posted by: Mic at June 12, 2006 08:09 AM

The Bradke toy should be a swivelhead instead of a bobblehead.

Posted by: Kurtis at June 12, 2006 09:22 AM

Happy belated birthday Batgirl!

I attended the game yesterday after arriving at 1:30am to set up camp to wait for our precious Bradke bobblehead. A few notes about the bobblehead, the scruffy facial hair does not translate well, it looks like he has the chickenpox and I'm sure he's real thrilled that you put a pixie vest on him. Jeesh, poor Bradke. Also, a note to bobblehead campers, if you decide that overintoxicating youself with booze is a good idea, do not eat anything that does not digest fast, although your quick thinking friend came through for you with the whole rock/dirt cover up bit.

A few notes from the series. When are we all going to stop kidding ourselves that Rondell White is in a "slump"? Also, Kyle needs to just go away, and dear god who has switched Carlos the Jackal with Carlos the Bunnywabbit? My heart breaks a little more every time he's sent out to the mound. On a good note, Good to see the good Doctor coming around, patience at the plate and then smacking the holy heck out of the ball is pretty sexy. Speaking of sexy, Joe Mauer, 'nuff said. And Liriano is (next to the Presidente of course) one of the most exciting pitchers to watch in baseball this year.

I'm very much looking forward to the Santana/Schilling showdown on Tuesday. Wow is that going to be fun to watch.

Posted by: HooliganKat at June 12, 2006 09:28 AM

On a related note, Joe Mauer is given some All-Star love in today's Daily Quickie on ESPN.com.

Posted by: dawn at June 12, 2006 09:55 AM

Good win yesterday, and the hitting seems to have picked up, but how about those mental errors - base running, fielding, and coaching. They've got to go.

Posted by: Laredo at June 12, 2006 11:53 AM

"The Bradke toy should be a swivelhead instead of a bobblehead." Har-dee har har. Correct me if I'm wrong (as I so often am, sadly), but hasn't it been three or four starts since my boy Brad gave up a dinger? And have y'all noticed that he's looking like...well...BRAD RADKE again? I just refuse to let him continue to be the staff whipping boy. Go pick on Carlos and his vest and his non-sinking sinker, wouldja?

Posted by: adidasman at June 12, 2006 01:32 PM

Ms. Kat,

If you like the Santana/Schilling match, just wait until a week from Thursday. If I've counted right and no other changes are made that game in Houston will feature:

Clemens vs Liriano!

Now THAT will also be a game to watch or TiVo!

Posted by: Dr. Jane at June 12, 2006 01:56 PM

My family was laughing hysterically when LNP whacked the ump with that foul tip. He deserved it, dangit!

Posted by: Teece at June 12, 2006 02:32 PM

I guess I just have a soft spot for Bradke - maybe it's his ocean blue eyes or the fact that our parents both grew up in Bayport, MN, or perhaps it's because he's been with the team for so long. I agree with Adidasman, even though he might have jinked Bradke now by saying that he hasn't gave up a homerun in awhile. At least he's consistant. We always expect him to give up runs in the first couple innings which means our hitters better be extra careful not to pick up any ass bats on their way to the plate.

When Bradke's on... he's ON. We may not see it as much as we used to, but he's got experience on his side... he's been around the block a few more times than Baker and Boof.

And if you think about it, because Radke walks a lot less hitters, it opens it up for them to hit homers off of him.

All of this ass kissing doesn't mean that I don't get upset when Bradke has an off night and our hitters can't keep up. I like winning, damnit! :)

Posted by: Shelley at June 12, 2006 04:16 PM

And another award...a REAL one...goes to Mauer! AL player of the week!! Woo-hoo!

Posted by: Monica at June 12, 2006 04:21 PM

Batgirl, thanks for the great re-cap of the weekend. :grumbles: Stupid blind umpires.... Wee Sister and I were guessing a home run to straight away center would be called foul.

Posted by: JustBeth at June 12, 2006 04:22 PM

Ever the optimist about getting our Chairman to the Star Show, perhaps a small (extremely small, I'll admit) bit of attention outside the Cities area...

http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20060612&content_id=1501857&vkey=pr_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb

Enjoy!

Posted by: Teece at June 12, 2006 05:15 PM

bubblemint,
I 2nd that.

Posted by: Twin-X at June 12, 2006 06:14 PM

Ok, at first I hated my ISP and now I love it because it gives little Joe updates almost daily!

http://enews.earthlink.net/article/spo?guid=20060612/448ce6c0_3ca6_15526200606121516558887

Hope you enjoy this one too!

Posted by: Teece at June 12, 2006 06:20 PM

Here's a bit more about the chairman, linked as te URL -- I haven't been watching the AL statistical leaders much, but 20 points over Ichiro and 50 points over everyone else in batting? That's impressive.

*puts on his best G.I. Joe voice* Go, Joe!

Posted by: PsyMar at June 12, 2006 06:57 PM

Oh my god! After a really crappy day at work, and I sit down to read my favorite Twins blogger, and I see: "Best reason to keep LNP in a toybox award and the trailing picture I almost fell off my chair. Hilaious.... hilarius?.....funny!
Also, I just got done watching a dvd of Gladiator last week, and came up with a possible nickname for Liriano.....
Francicus Lirianus Maximus?-- ummmm perhaps I should work on shortening that down a little...
.as he lets the dust from the pitcher's mound run through his fingers , he fixes the Bitchsock currently at bat with a stone cold glare and says:
"I will have my revenge this season, or next year....the time for honoring yourselves will soon be at an end......."
I really ought to have been a writer..... :P)

Posted by: kbrew at June 12, 2006 07:52 PM

About the Chairman's Player of the Week award...

That pages is almost unreadable, due to the flippin' name of the award. "Bank of America Presents the American League Player of the Week" is the name of an award? BoAPtALPotW? What kind of nonsense is that? That's almost as bad as Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California United States North America Western Hemisphere Earth, etc.

Posted by: Brooklynegg at June 12, 2006 09:58 PM

Great awards, BG. You made me laugh after a long, rough night. But does Chris Britton really pose a bigger threat to LNP than Bobby Jenks? Methinks no.

Posted by: ump47 at June 13, 2006 12:22 AM