Twins at Los Angeles in Anaheim. Angels 6, Twins 3.
Scott Baker was sleeping happily, his stuffed TC Bear tucked sweetly into his arms, a small smile spread softly over his baby-soft face, when suddenly a strange feeling of dread washed over him. He was not alone in the room. Someone was there with him, standing over his bed looking intently at him, someone….not human.
Suppressing a girly-scream, Baker unconsciously hugged his TC closer to him and slowly opened his eyes. What he saw chilled him to his very bones.
"Nutty!" he breathed.
"Hello, Scott Baker," murmured Nutty.
"What are you doing?" Baker asked, clutching his blanket to him. "Are you okay?"
"No, Scott Baker," said Nutty, in an eerie cool voice, like the calm before the storm. "No, I'm not okay. We have to have a talk."
"Now?" gulped Baker. "Can't it wait?" The truth was, he did not like the look in the protective cup's eyes, no, he did not like it one bit.
"No, Scott Baker," said Nutty, his voice low and threatening. "We have to talk now. Have you seen this?"
Nutty handed Baker a newspaper, which is sort of strange because he doesn't have hands.
"Yeah," sighed Baker. "I know. If I don't pitch bueno today they're going to send me down."
"You know?" said Nutty. "You know?"
"Well…sure."
"Why didn't you tell me?" shrieked the cup.
Baker rolled his eyes. "Nutty, I don't tell you everything, you know. It's not like we're married or something."
Nutty's eyes narrowed. "That's right, Scott Baker. That's right. We're not married. I am your athletic cup and I can make you or I can break you, you hear me? What would you do without me, after all?"
"Um…." Baker said, looking around. "Get another cup?"
"That's not funny Scott Baker! You don't treat Nutty right and your dingleberries will never be protected again, you hear me? I'm not going back. I'm not."
"Back where?"
"To the minors, Scott Baker! Do you have any idea what it's like down there?"
"Well, yeah I have a pretty good—"
"You don't know! You don't! Those buses? They're not air conditioned, Scott Baker. Do you know what that means? I can’t take it, I really can't—"
"I know, but—"
"And the other athletic cups, they're all old and bitter. And Lohse's down there, have you ever met his cup? That guy's a dick!"
"I—"
"It's where dreams go to die, Scott Baker. I had dreams once, you know! So I want you to go to the park today and I want you to pitch as bueno as you possibly can, because—because—" He could not continue. A whimper emanated from him mouth and just like that Nutty began to sob.
Baker shifted slightly in his bed. "Oh, Nutty…"
"Don't Scott Baker!" howled Nutty. "Just don't! All I do is think about you and now I need you to protect me, okay? I want you to be my protective cup!"
And with that, he hurled himself into Baker's arms, bawling like no athletic cup has ever bawled before. And despite it all, Baker's heart softened and he held Nutty close. "There, there," he whispered, patting him on the back. "There, there. Don't worry, Nutty. It will all be okay."
Poor nutty...
Posted by: goesboom at May 31, 2006 12:25 AMOh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in Nutville,Mighty Nutty has struck out
Poor Scott Baker... his dingleberries must be aching, if only just a wee bit, from the creative and, um, unorthodox interpretations of balls and strikes and other sundry game events by tonight's field arbiters. Please don't interpret that as a whine, even though it is a whine, and I know it is and you know it is, but at least I got it out in the open where we can deal with it, you know? It's better not to let these things fester. Umpires are subject to the same failings as any of us. They are human, after all. At least, I'm pretty sure they are. If not, they could be really sophisticated, life-like androids with synthetic skin and multi-core microprocessor brains engineered by a race of time-traveling extraterrestrials, sent here to infiltrate society in advance of an all-out alien invasion that only Jedi knights weilding lightsaber bats can possibly hope to defeat. Yeah. Lew would like that.
"And the other athletic cups, they're all old and bitter. And Lohse's down there, have you ever met his cup? That guy's a dick!"
Excuse me, I seem to have sprayed juice all over my monitor. Good stuff as always, BG.
Posted by: Rach at May 31, 2006 07:16 AMBatgirl,
So much for your vow of "light blogging" made after the series opener. The darkness and starkness of this post captures the relationship between a pitcher and his most vital protective device in a way that's rarely been chronicled. All the more extraordinary, you are a woman who has captured the bond between a man and his cup. Extraordinary! How do you do it!?!
Admiringly, RD
Posted by: RonDavis at May 31, 2006 07:51 AM:sigh:
Thanks for the laugh BG, after the dark night.
I want a stuffed TC Bear!
Posted by: JustBeth at May 31, 2006 08:24 AMsuddenly, I am EXTREMELY glad that I am a woman...
*looks around nervously*
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 31, 2006 09:25 AMAnd White is back below .200, nice well it lasted!
Posted by: joe at May 31, 2006 09:44 AMBatGirl: Outstanding post--I cant add anything. Thnx to twayn for the explanation of the umpire calls--I certainly didnt understand them at the time...
DAM
Posted by: DAM-DC Twins Fan at May 31, 2006 09:58 AMFunny, but sorta in the way that makes me want to ask Jeb if he has been adjusting Betgirl's medicine levels again??? :)
Posted by: soccerfan at May 31, 2006 10:31 AMevery time i read about nutty and scott's relationship, i can't help thinking of dobby, the house-elf from harry potter. anyone else with me? yeah, i know it's kind of weird.
Posted by: tmkain at May 31, 2006 10:34 AMoops...Scott Baker did not pitch bueno enough and it looks like it's not going to be ok for Nutty.
No AC in those minor leagues buses...poor poor Nutty.
Posted by: cal at May 31, 2006 10:45 AMWhile wondering if a Nutty with hands would be a good thing or a bad thing, with the next Cupcake Day falling on 06-06-06, should the cupcakes be made of Devils Food?
A Nutty with hands would make an *adjustment* a lot less obvious.
Posted by: TxRangersFan3421 at May 31, 2006 12:00 PMThis may seem a bit contrary to the proclaimed philosophy of Bat-Girl.com (Less Stats, More Sass), but I’m developing a new sabremetric that attempts to measure overall player performance. It is an index that calculates negative deviations from league averages based on a player’s number of ass-bats, web-gaffes, base-running miscues, disproportionate earned runs allowed, etc. I call it the Statistical Ugliness Quotient, also known as the SUQ factor. A SUQ factor of zero means a player is performing right at the league average for his given position. Using this metric, one can easily ascertain that White, Castro, Batista and Radke have high SUQ factors indeed, while Mauer, Cuddyer, Redmond, Santana and Liriano have robust negative SUQ factors. I’m currently tweaking the formula to minimize the statistical impact of intangible anomalies like managers who keep pitchers in the game one batter too long or assign batting order positions based on counter-intuitive visceral impulses, umpires with oscillating strike zones and advanced astigmatism, occult-related phenomena including but not limited to rally monkeys and similar shamanistic talismans, as well as sudden shifts in atmospheric pressure, relative humidity, gravitational pull, magnetic polarity, and tectonic plate movement.
Posted by: twayn at May 31, 2006 12:57 PMTwayn - Help me understand, would it be a good thing or a bad thing to date a woman with a high SUQ?
Posted by: soccerfan at May 31, 2006 01:07 PMsoccerfan,
That calculation would require a completely different set of quantitative parameters and is a much more subjective assessment, but I believe Dr. Ruth developed some pertinent metrics on that more than a decade ago.
A bawling nutcage. I picked the wrong week to stop smoking crack.
Posted by: TD at May 31, 2006 01:44 PMBatgirl, you make my life. That just may be the most hilarious thing I have ever read.
Posted by: Stacy at May 31, 2006 05:01 PMAnd yet, there is something to be said for an athletic cup asking "Do you have any idea what it's like down there?"
Still convulsing in laughter,
YankeeFan
Does not Rochester already have a team superior to Batista, Castro, Punto, White, Ford et al?
Posted by: al at May 31, 2006 05:19 PMAhhh, sad to think that Nutty and his owner are being sent back to Rochester. I hope they decide to recall a position player though. It seems like there are too many pitchers and nobody knowing what to do with them. I think it's about time to see Garrett in a Twins uniform...
Posted by: Teece at May 31, 2006 07:08 PMMaybe we can keep Nutty and just send Scott down. He can take Pat (Shadrak) Neshek's cup, and Nutty can get the experience of protecting a sidewinder.
Posted by: cmathewson at May 31, 2006 07:38 PMNooooooo!
Nutty, don't go! Please!
Posted by: The Jack Morris Mutual Admiration Society at May 31, 2006 10:07 PMEveryone should wear black athletic supporters in remembrance of poor Nutty .....
Posted by: BD at June 1, 2006 07:15 PM