Twins at Chicago. Twins 4, Bitch Sox 1. (11 innings)
We're friends, now, aren't we? You and I? Over these last two seasons, haven't we really built something together? Some kind of trust, some kind of affection. I mean, if Batgirl were to have a problem, well, you'd be there for her, wouldn't you?
Because, you see...I have to tell you that all is not well in the BatHousehold.
Perhaps you've sensed it. Something a little off with Batgirl. As if she's not quite focused on her solemn duties, as if something is distracting her. And you haven't wanted to say anything, you haven't wanted to be rude. And Batgirl appreciates that, she does. But let there be no secrets between us. Really, after all this time, how could there be? I should have told you from the beginning.
It's just that, well, BatKitty #2 has a…problem.
Now, before we go any further, I must tell you that not long after we liberated a young BatKitty #2 from the Humane Society, back when he was just a BatKitten, we took him to the vet to get his schnoobers removed. Why, I still remember the very day! The snow covered the earth like a white blanket. I wore red, the vet wore blue! What a lark! What a plunge!
Now, Batgirl has a lot of stuffed animals, including a rather corpulent stuffed bear by name of Pudge. About a year after he was removed of his schnoobers, BatKitty #2 developed a great affection for said stuffed bear and could often be found kneading that bear's pudgy belly, as cats do. It's a very cute behavior, probably stemming from trying to get milk from their momma's as babies. And, well, we thought it was adorable. "Look! BatKitty #2 is petting Pudgie!" But then, one day, during a particularly enthusiastic round of petting, we noticed his hips were really getting into the kneading action, really, they were moving back and forth quite a bit, almost as if they were gyrating…
Well, suffice to say we saw something we never wanted to see. And soon BatKitty #2 proved himself to have a great, well, affection for, not just that stuffed animal, but all stuffed animals. He would come into Batgirl's bedroom to find them all on the bed, resting so innocently, and he would put on his silk BatKitty bathrobe and sidle up to them and put on some Barry White and say, "How YOU doin'?"
Soon, we learned to put the stuffed animals in unhumpable places, and BatKitty #2 forgot about his weird fetish. But recently BatKitties #2 and #3 were wrestling and it seemed to give him some ideas and those hips started gyrating and, well, we saw something we never wanted to see again.
We've had several long talks with the BatKitties about inappropriate touching and about our strict no-humping policy, but for some reason it just hasn't taken. And the thing is, BatKitty #2 doesn't even know what he's doing—he doesn't have the mechanisms down correctly, it's just this instinct takes over sometimes at the sight of some really hot stuffed animal or, unfortunately, his adopted sister. If he were actually trying to procreate, let's just say he would be extremely unsuccessful.
The point is, BatKitty #2's attempts at making sweet love to both Pudgie the Stuffed Bear and BatKitty #3 remind me a lot of the Twins offense. There's a lot of yowling, a lot of flailing about, and absolutely no contact. It's all harmless, except for the nausea and the psychological scars.
Poor Johan Santana will probably be kept from his second consecutive Cy Young award by the sheer incompetence of our hitters, who do not have the excuse that their schnoobers were removed at a tender age. If only the voters had been watching our season they'd know what an absolute miracle it is he's won 14. He should get the Cy Young, the MVP, and quite possibly the Purple Heart.
I don't really know how we won tonight—it can only be that whatever tremendous sucking force has been dragging us down all season, the one currently operating on the Bitch Sox is even more powerful. There's a giant sucking sound coming from the South Side, and as much as we really tried to lose the game tonight, it just didn't happen. And then something strange happened—we tried to win. It was as if some atavistic good-baseball-team instinct kicked in and we actually started playing like a team with schnoobers. After a couple days to think about what he did, Lew Ford comes in and gets all sparkpluggy again and starts scooting around the basepaths, Big Leroy earns a month of free Krispy Kremes with an RBI single to give the Twins the lead, and Jacque Jones—who really put the offensive in offense in Monday's 7-6 loss—drives the stake into the quivering heart of the Bitch Sox with a two-run double. That's my team! Those are my boys! Lark! Plunge!
We saw in the last two days that the instinct is there, deep within the Twins--yes, these are bats, these are balls, these are bases, this is what we do with them. The thing is, no matter how he tries, BatKitty #2 is never going to score again--but maybe, just maybe, the Twins can.
****
Dingers for Dollars Update: Li'l Sweetcheeks went yard today, giving him the DFD tie with Cuddles at 3 a piece, plus we have individual pledges for Boo and Chocula, not to mention a thanks-for-beating-the-Bitch-Sox bonus from Tribe Scribe, which makes $304 on the day and:
$2592 for hurricane relief.
Thanks to Jacque Jones for hitting a DINGER FOR DOLLARS.
Combined with a Cleveland win...tonight was a good thing.
On a side note, if FSN replays tonights game tomorrow afternoon, could somebody somehow record the Coors Light Cold Blast. I'm dying to somehow get that shot of my dad and I in the crowd.
Thanks!
Posted by: Torhu at September 22, 2005 11:55 PMTMI!
Posted by: Will Young at September 23, 2005 12:03 AMI'm still sitting here with my legs crossed, grimacing.
Posted by: JimCrikket at September 23, 2005 01:07 AM'Schnoobers?' That'a a new one.
Initially, I was wondering how BatKitty schnoobers figured into a baseball blog, and yet it all worked out in the end. I can honestly say that you're the only person that could successfully pull that off. (Yes, it is something to be proud of. :P )
Oh, and yay for Lew finally getting his game on again tonight. Of course it happens when I'm not watching...
*squees about two and a half thousand dollars* That is downright awesome...
Posted by: FordHoiberg at September 23, 2005 02:19 AMLately it seems that having 'Sox' in your franchise's name is not giving a boost of good luck.
Posted by: Billy at September 23, 2005 06:09 AMHow YOU doin? hahahahahahah too funny!!
Hats off to Santana and the MVP. If it weren't for ass-bats all year, he would have it hands down.
Twins pitching is sooooo HOT!
"I don't really know how we won tonight—it can only be that whatever tremendous sucking force has been dragging us down all season, the one currently operating on the Bitch Sox is even more powerful." How true!
It seems that while both teams were competing in the "Let's see how few hits we can get" and later the "Let's see how many men we can leave on base", one team had to win. This is baseball: there are no ties in a real baseball game.
Posted by: Just Beth at September 23, 2005 08:06 AMBG, this has been a stellar game recap. I very much enjoy... well, the term "schnoobers," among other things. The Twins winning is one such thing.
Posted by: AT at September 23, 2005 08:45 AM*giggle* pooooor BatKitty #2. My heart really goes out to him because he is destined for heartbreak. Stuffed animals are notorious for allowing themselves to be loved by ANYONE so..
Of course, I think the Twins share that quality as well... wow, that puts things in a new light!
Posted by: CapitalBabs at September 23, 2005 08:50 AMhmm... three sayings come to mind
good touch, BAD TOUCH!, Confusing touch?
Posted by: paco3791 at September 23, 2005 09:04 AM
Does it make me a bad person that I am really, really enjoying watching the Sox self destruct?
Or, more specifically, does it make me a bad person that I am really, really enjoying the dejected look on those fans' faces last night?
Because I know that their sucking does not diminish OUR sucking, but somehow... it kinda does...
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at September 23, 2005 09:09 AMTwinsGoddess -
One (german) word:
Schadenfreude. It's a beautiful thing.
Posted by: Lassus at September 23, 2005 09:27 AMDearest TwinsGoddess-
Their sucking and self desctruction - IMO -trumps any of our sucking -
And no you're not a bad person cuz I'm getting a kick out of it! And I don't think I'm a bad person =)And I know you're not!!
I feel bad for our pitching staff - well not Kyle - because of his hissy fit - I hope they still love the rest of the team next year - I hope the ass bats become sass bats and start kicking some ass next year.
Are you sure battykitty #2 didn't get some black market catnip somewhere - laced with Viagra??
Seriously - has everyone always disliked the white sox - since the dawn of man - or was it just because of the disco uniforms??
much love
Wonder Woman
Wohoooo -I bow to the generousity of the batling family!
Posted by: Wonder Woman at September 23, 2005 09:30 AMOh thank you Batgirl, I am here at work on a Friday, not feeling much like a Friday and I needed a good laugh. Although I am now worried as to what it says about me if thinking about Batkitty 2 somehow makes me happier.
Posted by: soccerfan at September 23, 2005 09:33 AMHeh. One of your best yet, BG! This ranks right up there with Cupcake Day (my all-time fav.)
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at September 23, 2005 10:00 AMWhy is Jimmmy Hall bitter?
Posted by: al at September 23, 2005 10:01 AMHaving never had a cat of my own, I might be out of the loop, but it seems to me that perhaps batkitty #2 could be a bit monkey. And, monkey see, monkey doo. Abstainance batgirl, or maybe closing the door? Naaaaaa, we've all got a little Anna Benson in us.
Posted by: insider at September 23, 2005 10:04 AMThat was a total riot. Sure signs of autumn: a nip in the air, the changing trees, and the giant sucking sound coming from U.S. Bitchular Field. Well done, Batgirl!
Posted by: Goober at September 23, 2005 10:09 AMBatkitty #2 is a... furry?!?
Posted by: Roscoe at September 23, 2005 10:15 AMOne of the worst collapses in all of baseball history....I can live with that!! Handing it down to them is the hottest pitcher around, Johan K. Santana!!! May the sucking sound live forever, the spirit of the Twins is not yet dead!!! Wait until next season!!
Posted by: JohansAngel at September 23, 2005 10:53 AMI'm hoping that very soon I can say about the Bitch Sox.....
"THEY GONE!" from the playoff hunt!
Finally a greater choke job than the Empire versus a bunch of teddy bears.
Good Guys win
Bitch Sox lose
Oh my, BG.
I was right there with you with the kneading of the paws and the pseudo-nursing and what-not as my own BK#2 will exhibit such behavior. Adorable. In fact, he thought his big brother was his mommy when I first introduced the two.
However, your narrative quickly took a turn for the disturbing and I fear I am scarred.
Posted by: Say Rah! at September 23, 2005 12:06 PMAnd I don't want to talk about my feelings re: the 'Toons vs. the Bitches.
Posted by: Say Rah! at September 23, 2005 12:07 PM
T-Goddess,
I am drawn to the Sox sucking in the same way that I was drawn to the Vikings sucking last Sunday and in the same way that I slow down for traffic accidents and downed trees. So don't be ashamed for getting your baseball groove on by watching the B-Sox slowly, sllllllowwwwwwwllllllllly, slllllllllllllowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllly disintegrate.
Best, RD
Posted by: RonDavis at September 23, 2005 01:00 PMIn an bit of interesting news off ESPN.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2169689
Ozzie says he may quit if the White Sox win the World Series.
All I can say is...huh?
Posted by: Torhu at September 23, 2005 01:51 PMPS.
The article includes comments that he gets booed quite frequently, and sometimes vomits after losses.
Watching his most recent moves as manager (including that bizarre subbing of pitchers he did on a certain Wednesday back in August at the Dome...) I'm wondering just how good of a manager he really is.
This whole mess with Marte, Jenks...I wonder just how ready he really is.
Posted by: Torhu at September 23, 2005 01:54 PMOh, that was priceless and delightful. My goal for the day is to use the words "schnoobers" and "unhumpable"
Posted by: Angela at September 23, 2005 02:25 PMThe thought of the Toons in the playoffs makes me retch too, but the Twins can't do anything about that now. What they can do is make the Bitch Sox their bitches for the fourth or fifth year in a row -- and that's a streak I don't want to see broken.
Posted by: Silo at September 23, 2005 03:15 PMBG-
I tried emailing you with this info, albeit unsuccessfully. In yesterday's Chi Sun-Times, Jay Mariotti actually published Ozzie's email, which is OzzieGuillen13@hotmail.com.
FROM THE ARTICLE
To his credit, Guillen has yet to shut down his e-mail account -- if you really want to bug him, it's OzzieGuillen13@hotmail.com. He reported 340 responses Wednesday and claims most were supportive, contrary to the loads of hate mail he mentioned earlier in the week. He said he only reads the mean letters, for laughs, and related the view of one fan who wants Williams to fire him. I can't imagine Joe Torre, Bobby Cox or Tony La Russa even reading the Internet, much less communicating with fans. But the Blizzard actually wrote the guy back.
So drop him a line and wish him luck!
Posted by: Ovie at September 23, 2005 03:24 PMShades of Tricky Dick there, eh RD? The Sox are "twisting slowly, slowly in the wind"?
Posted by: Goober at September 23, 2005 04:25 PMBG, it seems Batkitty #2 has the same issue as my friend's cat Patrick. Only, he has a fascination with the couch pillows. You're not alone!
Posted by: Saajak at September 23, 2005 04:27 PMBG
You are right on when you say our President should be in the hunt for Cy Young #2.
If the Twins could have hit a little bit in some of these games it would have been a different year.
Santana is first in strikeouts, top five in IP, and second in ERA among starters.
The Twins are 22-8 in games he started. What an even bigger nightmare this season would be without our President!
Posted by: funoka at September 23, 2005 05:07 PMthank goodness Tumbleweed's only fetish is to poke me in the armpit.
I wore my Jesse boyfriend shirt under my Wild jersey at the Wild game last night. hooray Jesse Crain! I would have preferred that Johan get the win, but if anyone in the bullpen had to get it, I'm glad it was Jesse.
Posted by: kafumbly at September 23, 2005 05:13 PMEl Presidente shouldn't even be in the hunt for the Cy Young. Why? Because that implies there are others worth considering.
Santana is 1st in WHIP, K's, and every opponent's batting numbers (average, on base, slugging, OPS). He's second in ERA (.01 behind Millwood, despite pitching 40 more innings). In the tell all stat, WHIP, the difference between Johan the number 2 guy is the difference between the number 2 guy and the number 22 guy.
The only other guy worth mentioning is Mariano Rivera, who has had a good year. But he's a closer. I'd be all for giving a guy who's pitched 70 innings the Cy Young if it was a record-breaking year, or if there was no clear-cut choice among the starters, but that's neither of those hold true this year.
The Cy Young belongs to Johan this year. I'm just hoping the voters get it right.
Posted by: Will at September 23, 2005 05:49 PMJohan should win the Cy Young IMO not Buherle or Garland. He is the best pitcher in the AL and it showed last night.
The siGHT of seeing Sux fans leave the stadium when the Twins scored in the extra frames was a beautiful sight.
GO TWINS!
Posted by: Leslie Monteiro at September 23, 2005 06:18 PMWell, my personal life's dream is to see the Bitch Sox crash and burn, so no you can't be that bad, for I am an innocent little Catholic School girl.
I have no kitties, but my hamster got a little too aquinted with his wheel once.
Posted by: Hannah (the second) at September 23, 2005 06:41 PMThe CY Young belongs to Mariano Rivera. 7-4 41 saves, 76 SO to only 16 BB and an ERA of 1.32.
Posted by: mike at September 23, 2005 07:14 PMThat's what they want you to think! Everyone knows the MLB has a man crush on Santana. Am I only one who has noticed Dick Bremer's man crush on Joe Mauer?
Posted by: Hannah (the second) at September 23, 2005 09:40 PMMike: Rivera would be a great choice I think. I could live with Rivera or Cliff Lee. I think it would be a joke if Garland, Buherle, or Colon wins the award though. Rivera is the big reason why the Yankees survived this season.
Hannah: I think Dick has a crush on every Twins player. :-)
Posted by: Leslie Montieiro at September 24, 2005 03:25 AMFor a closer to win Cy he needs to have a record like Gagne. And be nearly perfect. 4 losses does not cut it as a closer.
Posted by: Nora at September 24, 2005 09:08 AMApparently, Dayn Perry agrees with Batgirl regarding Johan:
http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/4893098
Let's hope other writers agree.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at September 24, 2005 03:05 PMum... Bert just said something about "hitting shoes." why do the Twins not have these? are they powerful enough to offset ass bats? someone should look into this...
Posted by: kafumbly at September 24, 2005 07:26 PMWhat a lark! What a plunge!
A nod to Dalloway and the word "schnoobers" all in one post. That, frankly, is why I keep coming back here.
Posted by: Bill at September 25, 2005 01:07 PM