Baltimore at Twins. Twins 3, Orioles 2.
AP WIRE REPORT
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Emotions ran high on the Metrodome Plaza today as a local girl was rescued from what was once thought a bottomless pit.
Twins Territory resident Batgirl, age, um, 27, was pulled from the Holy Crap That Sucked Monument three days after she fell in during the Minnesota Twins ill-fated weekend series against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
Ms. Girl lived on stale cake and dirt but what really kept her alive, she says, was hope.
"I knew I wasn't going to be down there, forever," said Ms. Girl. "I knew they'd come for me—eventually."
But would they come in time? On the last day of her confinement, Batgirl reports, she began to have strange hallucinations.
"(Former Twins pitcher) Rick Reed came to talk to me. He's been doing a lot of spelunking since his retirement, and he was coming up from China. We had a really good conversation. I thought maybe he could save me, but I've learned it's not a good idea to pin your hopes on Rick Reed."
Things grew worse as the day wore on.
"I was starting to get really cold and lose feeling in my head," said Ms. Girl. "I heard this weird creaking noise and I saw a man was lowering himself down. At first I thought it was Miguel Tejada coming to step on my heart. But then I saw that the man was wearing a Twins uniform and when he saw me he smiled the most beautiful smile, and I knew who it was."
"Come on Batgirl," Jones said, "it's time to get you out of that hole."
After the rescue, authorities worked effortlessly to reunite her with the rest of Team Batgirl. After a long search, they found the remaining members enjoying some nice Dream Pie Blizzards at Dairy Queen. When questioned, Girl's sister-in-law Sooz said that all three flavors were quite delicious, but she liked the French Silk one the best.
Welcome back to topside! It's so nice that JJ reads you and came to the rescue! Tell me, is it hotter down in that hole, or up here, cause it's pretty warm on this side of the sod.
Posted by: insider at July 20, 2005 07:48 PMWelcome back, BatGirl! I have to agree with Sooz. The French Silk Dream Pie Blizzard is quite tasty.
Posted by: ndtf at July 20, 2005 08:17 PM
RD prefers Key Lime...and winning 1-run games.
Batgirl, you just get better and better. And by the way, I hope the grounds keepers got out there and sealed up the hole - I'd hate for you to fall into it again.
Posted by: Attyfan at July 20, 2005 08:40 PMGood call, attyfan. In the interest of keeping my Twins economically viable (Pohlad might decide to contract after all if he ever lost a civil suit to a Twins fan), there must be some solution. May I suggest a Groundskeeper Willy-esque conclusion: a sign reading, "Caution: Hole/Potential Bottomless Pit." That ought to do it.
Posted by: Nick at July 20, 2005 08:51 PMWow...what a great photo. Talk about capturing the moment!
And I don't know about the other dream pie blizzards but I like the key lime pie!
Posted by: SDave at July 20, 2005 09:31 PMoh yeah....glad you were saved!
Posted by: SDave at July 20, 2005 09:32 PMWhat was it like to be in Jacque's arms?
I imagine a lot of ladies (and some men, too) would love to be in that position. In fact, if they knew Mr. Jones would personally save them, they might jump in of their own free will.
Glad you made it back alright!
Posted by: brent at July 20, 2005 09:36 PMI don’t remember the last time the Tigers had a “big series” with even a faint aroma of playoff hopes this late in the season.
That’s probably because I was busy with other things. Doing math homework. Worrying about whether the cool kids liked me. Wondering if that cute blond in English would ever give me the time of day.
You see, it seems like the last time the Tigers were in a series with even an outside chance at the postseason was a while ago. Perhaps as long ago as 1991 when I was a wee lad of 11.
I seem to recall that being a good year for you. Some guy named Knoblauch actually won the Rookie of the Year. Didn’t you guys win something else, too? It’s kind of a blur since I was more focused on the Dylan and Brenda Drama on 90210.
But 1991 was decent. Cecil Fielder, Mickey “Fruit Loops” Tettleton, Rob Deer and Lou Whittaker paced our offense. Unfortunately nobody really paced our pitching staff – though many teams pasted it -- in the match-box sized Tiger Stadium.
But life with the Tigers hasn’t been much fun since 1991. We’ve only had one more winning season between then and now and we still finished in fourth.
I could list all the unhappy times since then. And I’ve thought about it since reading the references to the Twins’ recent “sucking times.” You want to talk about falling down a hole? Tiger fans have been in their hole so long we’ve built a whole Fraggle Rock style city where Travis Fryman dons a little builders’ hat and works hand in hand with Mark Parent while Wendell Magee and Omar Olivares sing in muppet induced falsetto.
But maybe this weekend will be difficult. We just took 2 of 3 from the White Sox. We could get to .500 by taking 3 of 5. It’s even mathematically possible that we could catch the Twins if we sweep!
Okay, that’s not gonna happen. But you’ll have to excuse my excitement. Math hasn’t been much fun for the Tigers for a while. What’s your winning percentage when you go 43-119?
Well, just figured I’d check in with the Twin fans since it’s nice to be even slightly relevant in July. I love this site and the creativity that Ms. Bat Girl brings to it.
As they say in Hockey Town, Game on.
Posted by: The Jack Morris Mutual Admiration Society at July 20, 2005 09:41 PMI'm partial to the French Silk Pie Blizzard myself.
Posted by: Kurtis at July 20, 2005 10:04 PMI prefer the Key Lime Pie blizzard, myself. And winning one-run games without going into extra innings and in spectacular style.
Thank you Dairy Queen, Jaque Jones, and especially Batgirl.
That explains why he wasn't BOD. He was too busy getting you out of that hole. ;)
Posted by: Torhu at July 20, 2005 10:19 PMwelcome back from The Hole, BG!
now on to li'l ol' Hockey Town to whip some Tiger posteriors. as we say in the State of Hockey: Let's Play... um... Baseball!
Posted by: kafumbly at July 20, 2005 10:26 PM"authorities worked effortlessly" hahahha
Although my favorite flavor, the Strawberry CheeseQuake, is positively heavenly, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Jacque looks even yummier in that hard hat. Thanks BG, and thank YOU, J.J.
Posted by: aussie at July 20, 2005 10:46 PMI would have to agree with aussie, the Strawberry Cheesequake blizzard is quite tasty, and about J.J. in a hard hat, but I enjoy the French Silk (blizzard that is) one as well. I am glad that you are out of your hole BG, be sure to thank Mr. Jones for us.
Posted by: Hannah at July 21, 2005 12:45 AMStale cake and dirt.
Posted by: Haplo at July 21, 2005 02:23 AMI'm with aussie and hannah on the blizzards, cheesequake comma strawberry.
And to celebrate BG's safe return from the hole, I mught have one this evening in celebration.
Posted by: aurora at July 21, 2005 06:52 AM
Yay! Yaaaaaaaay! Welcome home, Batgirl!
Listen to me, people. It's all about the Banana Cream Dream Pie Blizzard. Trust me on this one. I have what you could call INSIDER information.
But even so, Mr. Jones bringing it home two days in a row is absolutely the tastiest of all. No question. I'd like to spread THAT on a cracker.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at July 21, 2005 07:40 AMO Man, we were worried about you BG. I will buy all the Blizzards you would like! Thank u sooo much lil Sweetcheeks for saving our BatGirl!
Posted by: Mic at July 21, 2005 07:52 AMNow doesn't everything just seem better? Batgirl's out of the hole (whew! and no thanks to that journeyman spelunker!). The Twins won a series. Jacque hit a timely homerun. The pitching remains hypnotically good. And now we are poised to begin a 5(?)-game series with the Tiggers that actually, as TJMMAS points out, matters. Although it was really fun when we beat them, what, 18 times? a couple of years ago, there's something to be said for competition, too.
And now I've learned something else: there are pie blizzards. I love pie. I love blizzards. I live on the same block as a Dairy Queen, and I had no idea. Now, bananas give me the heeby-jeebies, but given the heat wave around my neck of the woods, I think that I'll begin a comparative taste test of all of the other coolly dreamy flavors, and have an answer to the which-is-best question on Batgirl's desk by Monday.
Oh, and a note to any Twins: that ESPN-broadcast one-run, come-from-behind win was hot. Very hot. Chicago-in-July hot. Britney Boone hot. (Okay, sorry for bringing that up again.) You know what else would be hot? A right stomping of the Tiggers. I'm thinking 22-2. Just for the contrast and the love of smacking the snot out of the ball.
Oh, and happy birthday (late), Torii. Many happy returns.
Nooo, don't beat on the poor Tigers. They are just coming out of their own sucking time. I mean, yeah, beat them. Heck, sweep them. Just don't beat ON them. I'm rooting for nice scores of 5-2, 8-3, 2-1, and 6-2. Oh, and toss in a coupla blonde, curly homers in there. Puh-leeeze!
AL Teams that should be beat on:
Bitch Sox
Yanquis
Other Sox
LAAAAA
Debbil Rays (just out of principle)
All other AL teams should merely be beaten.
Posted by: sacky at July 21, 2005 08:33 AMI'm rather partial to the Brownie Batter Blizzard (say it 10 times fast) when they are nice enough to offer it.
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P. at July 21, 2005 08:38 AMIt's nice to see Team Batgirl was still managing to carry on with their difficult duties while their leader was away. What a noble group!
We're all so happy that Batgirl is out of the pit. Thank you, Jacque Jones, thank you! Please don't let her fall in again. Someone's gotta put a sign on that pit!
(And, hrunting, there can still be competition if we beat a team 18 times. Just as long as not all the games are 18-0 in our favor. Although after this week, I won't complain about that. But I'd feel sorry for the Tiger fans.)
Posted by: Just Beth at July 21, 2005 08:46 AMI was really starting to worry about you being in that hole Batgirl. I'm glad your safe and sound. I think we all owe Jacque Jones a Blizzard for his heroics.
Posted by: HooliganKat at July 21, 2005 09:24 AMOkay. Just one game with a really big, really lopsided score, just so the guys remember what that feels like. The rest of the Detroit series can be close-ish games.
But Sacky, what have you got against the Li'l Debbie Rays? What did they ever do to, well, anyone? (Other than get to keep their team when the Twins were almost contracted -- but that was hardly their fault.)
Oh, and Batgirl, you should be clear about the fact that all of the Twins are your close personal friends, or metaphorically-challenged women will be jumping willy nilly into pits, hoping Jacque will come flash that smile at them and make everything all right.
Posted by: hrunting at July 21, 2005 11:20 AMDear Mr./Ms Runting,
Lord save us all from the metaphorically-challenged. I've long since given up having any responsibility for them.
Regretfully,
BG
***Off-topic post, ahoy!***
Aurora - Guess where I am... outside the Rec/Outing Center at Comstock Memorial Union, that's where. I'm on my way home and stopped at the old Alma Mater to see if I can find any former professors to force into reconsidering their guidance and teaching skills. So far I've had no luck.
I still can't believe they turned the fishbowl into an art gallery.
Back to the CA. Maybe I can bust into the music office...
Posted by: Skorch at July 21, 2005 12:42 PMFrench Silllllllllllllllk piiiiiiiie bliizzzzzard. Oh man. Now I really, really want one.
Posted by: Angela at July 21, 2005 12:53 PMI think DQ should probably compensate BG for all the free advertising today's entry gave them. Free Blizzards for life for BatGirl!
Posted by: aussie at July 21, 2005 04:08 PMBefore we ask DQ for free blizzards for life, I was wondering if Chevy has given you that bat-vette you asked for after the all star game ?
Posted by: miggy at July 21, 2005 06:23 PM