While the Bitch Sox have the best record in the league, they lost five of seven last week and anyone who has spent time in the clubhouse knows why. While the Sox have played terrific baseball, they have not yet managed to cohere as a team—you can talk about "smart ball" 'til the cows come home, but individuals don't become a team through fancy slogans. What the Bitch Sox need is a leader, one who can help them through these difficult times, one who can provide a shining example of selflessness. And yesterday, that leader came to them.
It was a typical day in the Bitch Sox clubhouse. The players were sitting around chewing chaw and drinking Schlitz and talking about what a big bully Torii Hunter is when things got testy.
"You know," said Mark Buehrle. "I think I hate Torii Hunter more than anyone here."
"Bullcocky!" said Paul Konerko. "I hate him more than you've ever hated him!"
"Oh yeah? Your mom LOVES Torii Hunter!"
"Wanna make something of it?"
Yes, yes he did…
…and pretty soon the whole clubhouse had, yet again, broken out in a terrible brawl.
Then, suddenly, an old friend entered...
"Doo doo doot do dooo. Here I am, Darth Thomas off the DL, and ready to help my team!…
"What the—"
"Guys! Guys, what are you doing? Guys, what's happened to you? NOOOOOO!"
"Whatever shall I do?…
…I'm the team leader. I need to help my team, and FAST!"
"Guys! Stop beating each other up and listen to me!…
…I think we need to work on a little something called TEAMWORK! Come with me! I think what this team needs is a teambuilding retreat!"
"Keep riding. It's just ahead! Oh, man, you guys are going to love this place!"
"Okay, this is called a trust fall. Just lean back…"
"…and let your teammates catch you."
"Now, Timo, you just let yourself be guided, okay? Don't worry that you can't see—they'll tell you where to go."
"You have to coach each other through the ropes course."
"Everyone's a winner here!"
"Okay, this is a human knot. You guys have to untangle yourselves without letting go of each others' hands, okay?..."
"...for there is no winning without holding hands!"
"Good job! That's it! Boo-yah!"
"Now, we're going to throw the ball around. Whoever catches the ball has to say something nice about the person that threw it. Ready?"
"Um, AJ, I think you have really nice eyes."
"You guys, we've come a long way today. I'm really proud of you. Now, should we sing?"
The Bitch Sox, unified at last, are ecstatic...
"Yay, Darth Thomas! Yay! Hip Hip…"
"….Hooray!"
Unfortunately, during the post retreat celebration, Thomas injured his hip. He is day to day.
Bitch Sox go to Pecos River?
It worked so well for the Vikings oh so many years ago...
Posted by: heraldguy at May 30, 2005 11:58 PMThis is absolutely hilarious, as per usual!!
Thanks for the holiday treat, BG! You rule! ;-)
Posted by: kojak at May 31, 2005 02:02 AMI was actually kind of dreading coming here today with fear that there may be another beauty pageant or something. Instead, I am rewarded with LegoVision. Ahhhh how Beautiful. Just what i needed to see on this Loverly morning of sun and hot and 120 degrees. I bet Lew Fordwalker will love this legovision.
Posted by: Tinger at May 31, 2005 02:51 AMI dunno. As much as I love LegoVision, this one seems just a little too sympathetic to the Bitch Sox. Shouldn't they be torturing puppies or something similarly evil?
I live in Charlotte, where use boring-assed Charlotteans (pronounced "charlatans") were treated to a few weeks of being entertained by the Big Hurt in his rehab stint with the worst team in the International League, the Knights.
Better enjoy the Bitch Sox's good run so far; if the Knights' lousy record in the past few years is any indication, the future don't look too bright for the Bitch Sox.
Posted by: Gus at May 31, 2005 06:41 AMLegovision returns! So does Batgirl!
O's wholloped the ECBS!
Yay!
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 31, 2005 06:47 AMI, too, was terrified about what I may find when I got here, but welcome back BG and thanks for the legovision.
Posted by: aurora at May 31, 2005 07:00 AMWhat a wonderful way to start the week. Legovision and BG. Welcome back.
Posted by: metsfan at May 31, 2005 07:46 AMI was also a little nervous as to what I would find today! I do not know if I could handle another episode of the Twins Hottest Chick...It took enough to erase the image this weekend. I am afraid if I had to do it again, I would not have enough brain cells to remember how to type!
So, thank you BG! WELCOME BACK!!!!!
Posted by: Mic at May 31, 2005 07:57 AMJust goes to show you...Darth Thomas=clubhouse happiness.
Posted by: Jeb at May 31, 2005 08:04 AMLegoVision makes my sunburnt face not hurt so much. Thank you and welcome back, BG!
Posted by: ndtf at May 31, 2005 08:08 AMGood to have you back, Batgirl. And thank you for the Legovision treat.
So, is this why Thomas is called "Big Hurt"; cuz he's always...um...hurt?
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 31, 2005 08:19 AMLegoVision is always good!
Welcome home, Batgirl! Your pinch-writers were delightful, but we're always glad to see our star!
JustBeth
Posted by: Just Beth at May 31, 2005 08:56 AM
BG!!! Welcome BACK!!!!
- most disturbing image: Darth riding a horse.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 31, 2005 09:07 AM"Guys! Guys, what are you doing? Guys, what's happened to you? NOOOOOO!"
Ah, yes, the primal "NOOOOOO" of Darth Vader.
*WORST* moment in the movie.
Hilarious on bat-girl.
Welcome back. We missed you.
Posted by: NY-Brian at May 31, 2005 09:14 AMLegovision, sweet legovision.
*burbling happily*
Aww. Lego horsies are the cutest.
Good thing Darth Thomas got hurt. I don't think we want the Bitch Sox to become all lovey-teamy. We might lose some elevation on the moral high ground.
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P. at May 31, 2005 10:10 AMWelcome back Batgirl -
'Bullcocky' - I'm going to say that all the time when Paul Konerko comes to the plate -
and my sister calls the Chairman -Darth Vader - not because she thinks he is evil - it's just that he looks very menacing when he jogs to the mound to converse with our vertically challenged relief pitchers =)
Much love
Wonder Woman
Off Topic:
Does anyone know the starting rotation for the Yankees and who the probable starters would be for the upcoming series at the Dome this weekend?
Thanks,
k-bro
They will miss Johan and Radke - it's Lohse-Mays and Silva for us -
I'll guess Mussina- for game one - after that I'm not sure
much love
Wonder Woman
k-bro,
according to my calculations, the following are the matchups for this weekend:
Moose v. Lyle (hopefully)
Wang v. Mays
Brown v. Silva
1 out of 3 aint bad...
YankeeFan
Posted by: YankeeFan at May 31, 2005 11:01 AMYF -
I think Lyle is still stuck in Canadian Customs.
At least I hope so...
Posted by: heraldguy at May 31, 2005 11:09 AMMore OT, but it looks like Newmie is staying with us...
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBpa2lpNnFzBF9TAzk1ODYxNzc3BHNlYwN0bQ--?slug=ap-royals-manager&prov=ap&type=lgns
I love Al, but I was secretly rooting for him to take over @ KC; he deserves it. Obviously, I would miss him terribly, but I wish him success at the same time.
Posted by: Say Rah! at May 31, 2005 11:14 AMSay Rah!
You wish him success, and yet you want him to take over the Royals? Am I missing something?
Gigglingly yours,
YankeeFan
I vaguely remember a couple years ago traveling to KC to see a game, and having it be a major match up...
Posted by: aurora at May 31, 2005 11:30 AMWell, I don't think a Wang-Mays matchup was necessarily what I expected out of this weekend, but it'll do. Right, Carrie?
Posted by: Katharriet at May 31, 2005 11:37 AMThanks YF.
I think I'll probably go to Saturday's game.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 31, 2005 11:38 AMI don't think it's Wang, I'm pretty sure it'll be Mussina on Saturday, since he pitched Sunday...
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 31, 2005 11:41 AMI'm still trying to win tickets for Sunday's game. My dad said he'll go to the game with me if I win!
Posted by: ndtf at May 31, 2005 11:45 AMWelcome back BG...anyone going to the game tonight?
Posted by: Molly at May 31, 2005 11:49 AMHey there fellow batlings –
While a family member of mine was driving to Canadia, I went looking for summer this past weekend and found myself in Ft. Myers – temperature was in the 90’s – hot, hot, hot.
One of the highlights of the weekend was taking in a Ft. Myers Miracle game. For those who don’t know, the Miracle is the Twins Class A minor league affiliate – a bunch of baby-faces in their early 20’s. They play at Hammond Stadium, home of the Twins spring training games. If you have been there, you will agree it is a truly beautiful ball park. The Miracle is owned by the same group that owns the St. Paul Saints. Mike Veeck has posted his “Fun is Good” slogan throughout the ball park – no doubt trying to sell some more books. They have the same between innings shenanigans as they do at Midway – except no pig and no back massages. Hanging in the concourses are these really cool banners of Torii, Jacque, Bradke, and LaCroix – on one side is a picture of them as a Twin, on the other side a picture as a Miracle. In my younger days, I may have had the agility, desire, and stupidity to climb up and steal one – but not on this night.
I was anxious to see a couple of their former top draft picks in action – their #1 pick in 2002 was a CF named Denard Span and in 2003 it was a 3B named Matt Moses. Twins GM Terry Ryan was also in attendance to check out the prospects. Span batted lead off and was disappointing 0-5 with at least 1 strikeout. Moses played DH (apparently a defensive liability with his 5 errors) and was 2 for 4 with a walk – although one of the hits was a Texas League double that should have been caught. Neither of these guys was impressive. The starting pitcher was a large man named Scott Tyler – listed at 6-5, 265 – (warning: hide your middle infielders). Tyler threw hard and was very impressive – sending down 15 Manatees in a row at one point. He pitched 7 innings with 7 strikeouts and gave up 1 run. The hitting hero was LF Trent Oeltjen who went 3 for 5 with 2 HRs and 5 RBI. Final result was an 11-4 win by the Miracle.
After the game, the fans were treated to a lovely display of fireworks. The only thing missing was cupcakes. Even so, everyone went home happy.
LegoVision Rocks!
I agree, Darth Thomas on a horse is funny.
oh yeah,
p.s. Welcome Back BG!
>>Wang v. Mays
Ahh, yes. The Supreme Court decision that set the precedent for asking for permission to go pee.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 31, 2005 12:39 PMHegs, it is too bad you did not get a chance to see Denard Span on the base paths. I saw him at Spring Training, and he is the fastest runner I have ever seen in a baseball uniform. Very fun to watch. Of course, you have to get on base to run.
Smitty
Posted by: Word Smith at May 31, 2005 12:41 PMWelcome back BG and thanks for more Lego-Vision.
It seems the Bat-Lexicon has spread. Check out the Beckham comments toward the end of today's Page 2 "Quickie". Click my name for the hotlink.
Posted by: double-a at May 31, 2005 12:52 PMYankeeFan-
Ha ha. Good point. You know what I meant...
Rah
On my own recent trip to Canadia I had the pleasure of meeting Justin Morneau's brother Jake. Click my name for the image.
Posted by: Kurtis at May 31, 2005 01:08 PMSmitty -
he was extremely quick getting his ass from home plate back on the bench.
I'm glad to see one of the Morneau brothers knows how to smile...
Posted by: ndtf at May 31, 2005 01:34 PMoh kurtis. very nice, I wonder if he was a very good conversationalist though.
Posted by: aurora at May 31, 2005 01:37 PMYou know... eh.
Posted by: ndtf at May 31, 2005 01:45 PMI LEGO-vision! Welcome back, BG!
And Hegs, thanks for the Miracle update! It's been a long time since I last saw any of those guys in action. Glad to hear Oeltjen's doing well.
Posted by: annun at May 31, 2005 01:53 PMDouble-A, I caught that this morning also. I really need to give credit to Pg. 2’s Eric Neel, who kindly linked me to BG’s site in one of his power rankings column’s a few weeks back when he said something flattering about the Twins, and how the best thing we have going for us as fans may be Bat-Girl (couldn’t agree more Erik). Now it appears that the rest of Pg. 2 is on board, but let’s keep them honest – if they are going to use BG-isms, they should kick back some royalties to fund BG’s endeavors shouldn’t they?
Oh, and when is Terry Ryan going to invite Team Bat-Girl to throw out the first pitch at a game. I would suggest our next home series against the Bitch Sox.
ESPN.com has an article on the Twins and Bitch Sox, but it's only for the cool kids who pay for Insider. Stupid Insider...
Posted by: ndtf at May 31, 2005 02:25 PMThere is a nice story about everyone's favorite player on mlb.com today.
http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/content/printer_friendly/mlb/y2005/m05/d30/c1068448.jsp
Posted by: mike at May 31, 2005 02:25 PMmike that was a not-very-nice-trick. i thought you were serious and was going to see the Dr. or someone nice. But no.
Posted by: aurora at May 31, 2005 02:33 PMAurora-
I fell for it too. I guess we should know by now that if it comes from mike, it's probably about the Yankees. At least it wasn't about the Bitch Sox.
I think the "everyone's favorite player" was sarcasm...
Helpfully,
YF
So who wants to copy/paste the insider article here?
Posted by: NY-Brian at May 31, 2005 02:41 PMi realize now it was sarcasm. But now its too late. Now I'm scarred and I'll never trust mike.
Posted by: aurora at May 31, 2005 02:53 PMWELCOME BACK, BATGIRL!!!
an absolutely beautiful story. who knew the bitch sox had it in them?
Say Rah!,
And yet, some people (myself and Mike included) have no problems reading feel-good pieces about teams like the Twins.
Of course, that means absolutely nothing, but merely is food for thought.
YankeeFan
Hey, Jeter is my favorite player...
FOR ME TO POOP ON!!
I don't mind reading feel-good pieces about other teams. Some of them are very interesting and well-written. My biggest problem with this article is that we hear so much about Derek Jeter. I would say the same thing if it were an article about Barry Bonds, or any other over-hyped player. Just my opinion though.
Posted by: ndtf at May 31, 2005 02:59 PMSorry YankeeFan, I must apologize. I don't know why, but I just cannot stand the smugness oozing out of that guy. I did end up skimming the article.
I just like taking shots at Jeter and Rodriguez because they're so perfect. Talented and pretty.
I hated the cheerleaders in high school too...
Posted by: Say Rah! at May 31, 2005 03:02 PMI don't know if it's possible to explain to a Yankees fan what it is about the ongoing media lovefest for Jeter that bugs the bejesus out of the rest of us. As Louis Armstrong said of jazz, "If you can't feel it, I can't explain it."
Posted by: Kurtis at May 31, 2005 03:10 PMOn the topic of Derek Jeter, the following on the 10 Spot on SI.com
5. It wasn't a good weekend for Derek Jeter and the Bronx Bombers, but it was an even worse week for Derek Jeter of Brooklyn. Last Wednesday, Brooklyn's Jeter (no relation to the Yankee) was convicted of selling a machine gun to an undercover FBI agent. The firearm can squeeze off nearly as many shots as the Red Sox had hits in Saturday's 17-1 blowout.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/pete_mcentegart/05/31/ten.spot/index.html
Posted by: Hegs at May 31, 2005 03:20 PMAh welcome back Batgirl, I was just starting to think my world wasn't going to be right again, it is, you're back and there is the wonderous Legovision ("I think you have nice eyes AJ" I laughed so hard I almost spit out my brownie batter blizzard that my wonderful co-worker was so nice to get for me today).
Has everyone forgotten? The question on my mind is . . .How fantastic was the bear hug from Gardy? And how amazing is the Torii Hunter smile up close and personal? Okay, that's two, but spill it Batgirl. Also, if time and patience permits I would like to request a legovision re-enactment of the Batgirl visit to the Twins.
Inquiring minds want to know. . .
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 31, 2005 03:36 PMMK and HooliganKat,
i, too, am interested.
c'mon, BG, tell us about it. please....
Posted by: kierra at May 31, 2005 03:51 PMPuleeeeeze, Batgirl. You know we live vicariously through you.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 31, 2005 04:09 PMYou mean there are actually people that don't like Jeter ? Inconceivable !!
Posted by: mike at May 31, 2005 04:38 PMDearest mr. mike,
That word--I don't think it means what you think it means.
Love,
Batgirl
p.s. the article did a very good job of summing up the clubhouse experience, except to say it was the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life. And I did get a little weakkneed seeing Torii.
Posted by: Batgirl at May 31, 2005 04:40 PMAll,
Believe me, the overJeterness ought to get to any baseball fan, whether it be Yankee fan or otherwise.
For example (one of many I am sure) did anyone see Jeter's "Web Gem" where he barrelled over Cano and the announcers said it was a great play? Then ESPN said it was a great play and made it their play of the day? Then ESPN said it was the play of the week? Did anyone else think that play was ummm, not that good?
The way I see it, if you have to barrel over your own player, almost injuring him in the process, well, that's not such a great play. call the guy off and make the play, that's a good play!!!
Still, he held on and you gotta love the hustle.
But Web Gem/Play of the Week? I think not.
YF
Posted by: YankeeFan at May 31, 2005 04:41 PMblah blah blah Derek Jeter!
Posted by: kafumbly at May 31, 2005 04:50 PMYankeeFan, don't be sorry, that's one of the best movies, ever! (in fact, that's my favorite part!)
Posted by: kafumbly at May 31, 2005 04:51 PM3 entries found for Inconceivable.
in·con·ceiv·a·ble ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nkn-sv-bl)
adj.
Impossible to comprehend or grasp fully: inconceivable folly; an inconceivable disaster.
So unlikely or surprising as to have been thought impossible; unbelievable: an inconceivable victory against all odds.
But I was just funnin' I know how tired the batlings are of Jeter, and I thought a little Vizzini would fit in.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is: "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But, only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!"
YF
(I found fouh white hohses, in case we evah find da lady... Hellooooooo Lady!)
Posted by: YankeeFan at May 31, 2005 05:08 PMHow Andre wasn't nominated for an Oscar after that performance is beyond me, and I missed BG's line about not knowing the word and I feel shame.
Posted by: mike at May 31, 2005 05:11 PMYankee Fan, you finally did something right.
(Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head)
Posted by: heraldguy at May 31, 2005 06:03 PM