You thought there was no bench-clearing brawl tonight, didn't you? You thought the Twins let the Bitch Sox pound Corey Koskie three times without repercussions. But, oh, my friends, there were repercussions all right. Serious repercussions. But due to a high-level conspiracy between Fox Sports, the FCC, the CDC, and A-Rod, the video evidence was suppressed, while the dastardly FSN broadcasters looped in footage from other Twins broadcasts. Why? Does the military-industrial-entertainment-sports complex want to keep anything from overshadowing last week's Yanks/Red Sox duel? Does the practice of avoiding major news during political conventions apply to baseball? Or were the Bitch Sox simply too embarrassed by the outcome of the brawl? See for yourself.
1.
With Corey Koskie at bat in the eighth inning, Damaso Marte pitches.
2.
The ball's coming right for him!
Duck Corey! OH MY GOD! Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
3.
OUCH!
4.
Wounded, but not defeated, Corey slowly straightens himself up and prepares to walk to first.
Catcher Ben Davis stands up and glares at him, mask still on.
5.
"Is there a problem, sir?" asks Koskie.
"Yeah, there's a problem," Davis says. "Twins suck…And so does CANADA!"
6.
Them's fighting words! The Minnesota Twins rush to defend Corey!
CHARGE!
7.
Let's get it started in here...
...this party's ON!
8.
The two teams collide! Fisticuffs everywhere!
Bam! Boom! Pow!
9.
From the outskirts of the pile, Carlos Lee and Carl Everett pick up Little Nicky Punto.
"Looks bite size!" says Lee. "Let's eat him!"
10.
With a primal scream, Johan K. Santana prepares to save his teammate... and kick some Bitch Sox ass.
"Little Nicky Punto will be eaten again over my dead body!" he shouts, pummeling Lee.
11.
Hey! Where did Don Zimmer come from?
What's he doing? No, Don! This isn't your fight! Hey, watch your step…oh!
12.
An ominous musical theme comes over the loudspeakers. Lew Ford looks up.
"Hey," he says, "what's that music?" An immense form steadily marches from the Bitch Sox dugout.
"No!" cries Ford, "I thought Darth Thomas was injured!"
"Fool," laughs Darth Thomas. "I was not injured at all. I was just getting bionic replacements for my body parts. You are outmatched, Minnesota Twins. I have you now!"
"Oh no!" shrieks Ford. "Whatever shall we do? We're DOOMED!"
13.
"Never fear," says Corey Koskie, stepping up to face the dark lord of the Sith. "I know a thing or two aboot bionic body parts. I shall face him."
"No," cries Lew. "No, Corey, don't, you'll die! Your bionic body parts suck!"
"Then die I shall," says Corey. "This is aboot honor, eh?"
"No, Corey Koskie," intones Darth. "This is about your DOOM!"
14.
Suddenly, from the scoreboard, comes a gleeful shout.
"Not so fast, Darth!"
It's SPIDERMAN!
15.
"Take THAT, Banta breath!"
16.
Then from deep within the brawling pile of players comes a Herculean grunt. Justin Morneau has picked up Paul Konerko!
"Hmmmm," thinks Morneau. "I wonder how far I can throw him…"
17.
KIIIIIIIII-YAP!
"Oh! He went over the fence. Pretty cool, eh?"
18.
Look! It's Automatic Joe Nathan, come in from the bullpen!
"Did somebody need a closer?"
19.
Why, look! The Twins have the upper hand!
GAME OV-AH! The Bitch Sox have been vanquished!
20.
WE WIN!
21.
"Yay!" says Don Zimmer.
"Win Twins!"
Bravo! Huzzah! Excellent! If I were at the opera, I'd be throwing roses on the stage. Amazing performance!
Posted by: Bobby at July 28, 2004 01:23 AMZimmer, Canadians, Punto & Darth -- together again for the first time!
But who was that as Spiderman? Torii should have been in the middle of that brawl but was nowhere to be seen... A mystery, indeed.
Welcome back, LegoVision. Was wondrin' where it had gone off ta.
Posted by: Hart at July 28, 2004 01:32 AMOMG! The Saga! How did Spiderman become a Twins fan?
Posted by: Mimiru at July 28, 2004 02:30 AMBrava indeed! I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me...
Posted by: Lord Sweetmusic at July 28, 2004 03:19 AMYou even have Spiderman Legos? Wow.
'Tis strange that LegoKoskie is batting righty there, but that was one of my favorite LegoVision stories, anyway. I'm laughing so much, my cheeks hurt.
Posted by: frightwig at July 28, 2004 03:25 AMThat dramatization brought a small tear from my eye in happiness. Beautiful.
Posted by: Mark at July 28, 2004 05:38 AMAnd I thought I could go back to sleep for a little while after doing a quick check of the Batgirl site.
It's amazing how quickly hearty laughter will wake you up!!
Thanks for a great start to my day Batgirl...;-D
Posted by: bubblemint at July 28, 2004 06:04 AMNot surprisingly, the Bitch Sox kept their medieval weaponry while the Twins left their lasers in the dugout.
Posted by: Jeb at July 28, 2004 07:49 AMDear Batgirl -
Brava indeed!! This will keep me giggling all day!
Thank the baseball gods that someone is keeping watch over Nick - Johan I thank you!
Yeah - why did the Bitch Sox have swords??
All we need next time is Gandalf - the Middle - Earth wizard - oh perhaps he was Don Zimmer in disguise???
FABULOUS!!
Posted by: Wonder Woman at July 28, 2004 07:55 AMBest blog ever!
Posted by: twinsaholic at July 28, 2004 08:08 AMDear Wonder Woman,
I saw Harry Potter Lego's at Creative Kidstuff a couple of weeks ago.
Perhaps Dumbledore would suffice?
Posted by: bubblemint at July 28, 2004 08:17 AMDear Bubblemint -
Alas - I am not a fan of Harry Potter - so I would prefer - Gandalf to Dumbledore - but it is not up to me - it is the call of Batgirl.
Maybe they could share a cameo??
I think you have taken Lego vision to a new high! I was very happy to see Don Zimmer coming on to make a surprise debut, and to have Darth Thomas square up against Corey Koskie is awesome! Keep up the amazing work BatGirl, you conmtinue to entertain and keep us all guessing what is coming up next.
Posted by: kiwi twin fan (K.T.F.) at July 28, 2004 08:36 AMYou must have accidentally reversed the photo negatives, Batgirl! Koskie bats lefty, like all people from countries with socialized medicine.
Or are YOU another part of the media conspiracy... ;)
Posted by: Jeremy Wahlman at July 28, 2004 08:41 AMHmm. Indeed 'tis odd that Torii should be absent yet Spiderman appears. Coincidence?
Posted by: boomer at July 28, 2004 08:44 AMWow too much laughter for a Wednesday morning! Great replay. I wonder if Al Newman is the unknown son of Don Zimmer??? Stealing from the Star Wars theme perhaps if the Don makes another cameo they could discover their true relationship??
Posted by: Soccerfan at July 28, 2004 08:46 AMThis reenactment had my whole office rolling on the floor in laughter ... especially the addition of darth thomas and spiderman...
Posted by: Liz at July 28, 2004 08:57 AMGenuis, thy name is Batgirl.
Posted by: Florida at July 28, 2004 09:24 AMwow, that's spectacularly silly :)
question: (i feel like i should know this, but i haven't really been a bat-girl.com regular for very long) what is the origin of the nickname "bitch sox"?
Posted by: Peter at July 28, 2004 09:24 AMhttp://www.bat-girl.com/archives/000036.html
Batgirl herself provides a good explanation right here.
Posted by: Mimiru at July 28, 2004 09:35 AMI'm especially impressed by the quality special effects Bat-Girl puts into her Legovision adventures. Those can't be easy to create!
Posted by: Roscoe at July 28, 2004 09:36 AM:P BRILLIANT BATGIRL, THAT MADE MY DAY
Posted by: rods59 at July 28, 2004 09:38 AMThis deserves a Lego Oscar.
Posted by: Brande at July 28, 2004 09:52 AMYou have to give Marte credit ... pitching while holding a Medieval shield in your hand must be tough.
Posted by: Cyberspud at July 28, 2004 10:06 AMDear Boomer:
It all becomes clear. Torii....is.....Spiderman. FOREVER MORE. He has become what he was meant to be! Now...on to the more important thing. Who's his Mary Jane? I nominate myself. (Since Batgirl is already taken).
Excitedly,
Meghan
Uncovering conspiracies, inciting riotous laughter and putting the Bitch Sox in their place. Batgirl does it all.
Posted by: Andre at July 28, 2004 10:18 AM"Your bionic body parts suck!"
O Lord, that was too funny. Bat Girl, we're putting your application for sainthood in the Church of the Immaculate Breaking Slider at the top of the pile.
Posted by: Freg Nergstrom at July 28, 2004 10:32 AMBrilliant! My only quibble: why is our beloved Cordel batting from the right side of the plate? Was he sore from the previous beanings and trying to protect his tender right elbow?
Posted by: BP at July 28, 2004 10:38 AMCorey's just like Canadian money: a little bit funny and not worth quite what it used to be.
Posted by: Goober at July 28, 2004 10:47 AMHoly crap, that was awesome.
Posted by: djl at July 28, 2004 10:50 AMOh my goodness.
Say, are we going to see a rash of Batgirl merchandising any time soon?
"I Watch My Games In LegoVision" T-shirts, BatLing caps, BatKitty collars?
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P at July 28, 2004 11:33 AMI can't quite see the monitor; the tears from laughing are running down my face. Batgirl, we love you!
Posted by: Brian from Alaska at July 28, 2004 11:47 AMDear Ms. Girl,
Corey Koskie hits left-handed and Damaso Marte throws left-handed. The fences at Comiskey are dark green. As a result of these errors, I'm going to have give you a failing grade on realism. For shame.
-SJ
Posted by: Shoeless Joe at July 28, 2004 12:02 PMShoelessJoe, you just watched a lego recreation of a fictious fight starring darth vader, spider man and spacemen carrying swords. How concerned are we all with realism??? Seeing a Slim Zim getting downed again was fantastic! Batgirl - this rocked! Thanks for the grin!
DJC
Posted by: DJC at July 28, 2004 12:16 PMBest. Blog Entry. Ever.
Posted by: Christian at July 28, 2004 12:21 PMThat was so good I have goosebumps. Nothing makes my morning like my four favorite things: 1) Spiderman 2) Star Wars 3) Koskie being resigningly verile and 4) Joe Nathan coming in to save the day.
Amazing work, Batgirl.
Posted by: Haplo at July 28, 2004 12:24 PMBatgirl, you are the queen. Thanks for another good laugh.
Posted by: Andrew at July 28, 2004 12:27 PMOh, these are evil and worrisome days when interloping media mavens can intervene on the pleasures of the midwest of a country in peril. What has the world come to that a band of white stockinged marauders can wreak havoc and mayhem on old women, orphans, and bony Canadians mired in slumps? They kick them when they're down, they do. They hurt the hurting. They taunt with wicked grins and pitches in the breadbasket. I'm so mad I wish the election were today. Scratch that last comment.
Posted by: SonnySixkiller at July 28, 2004 12:31 PMOh. My. God.
There is brilliance.
And then there is BRILLIANCE.
Posted by: el diablo at July 28, 2004 12:52 PMLoved your work! At least something redeeming has come out of this wretched series. Can you add a future installment in which Hawk gets laser gunned? Believe me, his calls are far more annoying if you have to listen to them for 162 games a year.
Posted by: Bitchsoxfan at July 28, 2004 12:53 PMDear Mr. Joe-
el diablo is going to have to give you a failing grade for lack of proper comedy appreciation.
For shame.
Regretfully,
-el diablo
Day made, Fantastic work
Posted by: Patrick at July 28, 2004 12:58 PMSonnySixkiller mentioned elections. Reminded me that some guy named Barack Obama from Chicago was on TV last night. I do not know my Chicago geography. I need to know: based on where he represents, is he a SoxFan or a CubsFan? My vote could (but probably won't) swing on this single piece of irrelevant data. I need to know. His website says he represents the South Side. Does that make him an Evil Doer?
Posted by: amr at July 28, 2004 12:59 PMNay! For in his incredible GENEROSITY he consented to take on the burden of leadership for that strange place where Billy Koch made his home for years. He is TRYING to bring them out of the darkness by his own shining example.
Posted by: Mimiru at July 28, 2004 01:12 PMDear Mr. Diablo-
I don't usually do this, but let me explain my post. Kind of like a Break-Down segment on SportsCenter. Bat-girl puts together a Lego-Vision construction of a fight between the White Sox and Twins that did not, in fact, occur, featuring a fictional conversation in which Ben Davis insults not only the Twins, but our Neighbors to the North, Carlos Lee attempts to eat Nick Punto, Paul Konerko is picked up and thrown more than 200 feet over a wall, Frank Thomas returns from his injury with bionic implants, Spiderman joins the fight on the side of the Twins, and Don Zimmer not only attends the game, but participates in the festivities. I post a comment criticize her work for lack of realism not because of any of these highly absurd occurrences, but because she's selected the wrong color for the wall in the Lego-Vision recreation. By making my own absurd criticism, I am both lauding Bat-Girl's effort and further pushing along the great circle of creativity (I think they sung about this in a Disney movie).
Do they not have irony where you are from? If not, you should form an import-export business and bring it in by the bushel. It's kind of like the spice that gives your meal that extra zing. In fact, once you've had a taste of it, you'll find that you'll want to put it on everything.
And, if that business fails, you can always start importing "Caps Lock" keys. By my estimation, many people currently on the Internet today have lost theirs. It's strange, but it strikes me as a business opportunity.
Warmly,
Shoeless Joe
You need to contact Legoland at Hugedale and have them make a display for that. Beautiful stuff.
Posted by: TD at July 28, 2004 01:29 PMTake it to the Iowa Cornfields, boys. This is Bat Girls world and we are just the lego people.
Posted by: Bitchsoxfan at July 28, 2004 01:29 PMpoor corey just got hit again
Posted by: dregn at July 28, 2004 01:34 PMI for one picked up on Shoeless Joe's absurdity and thought it well played.
Homerun Lew Ford.
2-0 Twins.
Posted by: Skorch at July 28, 2004 01:46 PMOh, el diablo picked up on Mr. Joe's absurdity and irony just fine. He is quite aware that Mr. Joe does have a sense of humor and probably did enjoy the humorous musings of Lego-vision. One would have to be dead not to.
el diablo is also quite aware that Mr. Joe is a Bitch Sox fan and, as such, el diablo enjoys awarding failing grades to Bitch Sox fans every once and a while. And defend Batgirl in equally ironic methods.
'Cause el diablo has never received a failing grade in anything he did . . . . no . . . . um, never. ;)
Dear Shoeless Joe,
While I can see why you would call it irony, I feel the irony is quite subtle at best, and weak at worst.
I'd call it snark. Much more fun ;)
Affectionately Yours,
Mimiru
"This is aboot honor, eh?"
No one has commented on this yet? That was absolutely the most funny sentence in the entire post.
Posted by: Donnalove at July 28, 2004 03:56 PMI think this could of been resolved sooner if someone threw steriods onto the field then they could be like "oooooo steriods!:" "looK! I got the blue kind!"
Posted by: yeah I'm Bob Bopersonsong at July 28, 2004 03:57 PMHAHAHAHAHA
my coworkers are looking at me funny because I am giggling so hard
horray for Legovision!!!!
Posted by: James at July 28, 2004 04:03 PMDamaso Marte is lefty.
Posted by: cactus at July 28, 2004 04:18 PMWhen Koskie retires, I wonder if they'll give him a Lee Press-on beer gut like they gave Al Newman and Puckett??
Posted by: BW at July 28, 2004 04:19 PMCome to think of it, Corey Koskie is lefty, too.
Posted by: cactus at July 28, 2004 04:20 PMThis was most excellent. I loved it. This is up there with the Monty Python lego reenactment of the Holy Grail
Posted by: The 7th Angel at July 28, 2004 04:22 PMGreat recap, Shoeless Joe! It's like a blurb on the back of a novel. (Any novelists around here?)
"a fictional conversation in which Ben Davis insults not only the Twins, but our Neighbors to the North, Carlos Lee attempts to eat Nick Punto, Paul Konerko is picked up and thrown more than 200 feet over a wall, Frank Thomas returns from his injury with bionic implants, Spiderman joins the fight on the side of the Twins, and Don Zimmer not only attends the game, but participates in the festivities."
Posted by: Jeb at July 28, 2004 04:37 PMDearest Readers,
If one more person tells Batgirl that Koskie and Marte are lefties she's going to take her legos and go home!
After all, it is a reenactment,
Batgirl
Dear Batgirl -
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - please do not take the legos away - some people just don't get it ;-)
BTW - I sent this particluar link to mr.espn - I thought he would get a kick out of it!
Fabulous evening to you!!
Posted by: Wonder Woman at July 28, 2004 05:33 PMBarack Obama is a lefty.
Posted by: RonDavis at July 28, 2004 07:01 PMGood ol' Morneau throwing Konerko over the wall.
Good guy making us all British Columbians proud.
Posted by: Ironchef at July 28, 2004 07:42 PMSo who is Darth's son? Corey? Nicky Punto? Spiderman?
Posted by: Brande at July 29, 2004 06:12 AMAbsolutely magnificent!!
Posted by: kcboomer at July 29, 2004 08:45 AMWondeful! Thanks for making my morning funny Batgirl!!
Posted by: Rob at July 29, 2004 09:02 AMThank you, Batgirl.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at July 29, 2004 11:04 AMYou have way to much time on your hands!!!
Posted by: Mojo at July 29, 2004 11:07 AMIt's a shame Jacques Jones didn't sacrifice his life somewhere in the process. He'd be remembered forever as a hero! I guess the Twins would have to make due with Jason Kubel in RF instead (sob).
Posted by: Jurgen at July 29, 2004 12:20 PMPretty funny, bitch girl. I like it. But how much of a Twins Fan can you be if you don't know that Corey Koskie hits lefty??
Posted by: Dave at July 29, 2004 12:31 PMNo no no Dave! As Batgirl has explained in this thread, she is not a details person. Enjoy the reenactment and be happy. Life without LegoVision is not to be contemplated.
Posted by: Brande at July 29, 2004 12:39 PMAs you might have heard, we're kinda fond of re-enacting battles here in the South, so I was almost unnaturally excited to spot the link on your page. I do have to admit, though, not remembering either Darth Vader or Spider-Man showing up (SportsCenter must have edited them out or something).
Needless to say, I wish I had some more baseball-literate friends who could appreciate the joke.
Thanks, Batgirl.
Dear readers,
Okay. Batgirl does know Corey's a lefty, and would have checked on Marte, but when we started the LegoVision set-up, we were only assuming one player would get hit, we did not know which player and which pitcher. And since Batgirl and Jeb are both righties, we exhibit a natural righty bias.
Sincerely,
BG
Less stats, More sass.
A player's vital stats (such as them being lefty, righty or ambidextrous), are less important than Batgirl's vital legovision sass.
Posted by: jeff at July 29, 2004 01:03 PMWhile I'm not a Twin's fan, your re-enactments are keeping me coming back for more!
You rock, Bat Girl!
Posted by: BuckyBacker at July 29, 2004 04:43 PMThat was absolutly great!! And it was very creative...I loved the Lego guys!! Too funny!
Posted by: Anne at July 30, 2004 03:04 PMThat was sweet!
I'm a Blue Jays fan but I must say, that makes the Twins hilarious. I hope you guys win the World Series now.
Posted by: Mike Forbes at July 30, 2004 03:21 PMESto esta excelentisimo!!! ME gustan los Twins y me gusta este website. Vamos a dale pija a los Red Sox este fin de semana!!!
Paco
Posted by: Paco at July 30, 2004 04:28 PMSoy el hermano de Paco y me parece este website my bueno pare reirse mucho....
Posted by: Paco at July 30, 2004 04:29 PM