Twins at Chicago. Twins 7, Bitch Sox 3.

The other day, when asked if he felt like a dead man walking, Doug Mientkiewicz exclaimed, "You leave Corey Koskie out of this!"

Doug was more prescient than he knew. For some reason, the good people of Chicago decided to take out their substantial (and really quite unnatural) aggression on the stalwart Canadian, plunking him not once, not twice, but three times.

To be fair, the first time (in the back) was probably a mistake. When one is engaged in a fierce pitching duel with Johan "Supernatural" Santana, one generally does not want to put the first batter on in the fifth. I mean, sure, a couple weeks ago you could put all the runners on you wanted and the Twins still couldn't hit them in. You could plunk four guys in a row and they'd manage to find a way not to score. But that was so, like, five minutes ago. Forget that. That's old news. The Twins are an offensive machine now. Like in I, Robot, without the whole homicidal, technology-gone-awry, does-man-control-the-machines-or-do-the-machines-control-man, why-God-why? part.

Anyway, my point is since the Twins are all mechanized, now, offensively, plunking the first batter in an inning isn't the best idea. Maybe Garcia didn't get the memo. We can't know, but what we do know is after getting to first base Corey got all retro (a few days late, but that's okay, he's Canadian) and decided to start stealing bases again, like a man of half his back injuries. But Garcia managed to get two out, and it looked like poor bruised Koskie might stay at 2nd.

If he had, maybe he wouldn't have to sleep standing up tonight. But then Shannon "You're So Freakin' Awesome" Stewart hit a huge double for the game's first run—then Guzie hit one for the second, and Luscious Lew for the third.

God, that was fun. I mean, Batgirl doesn't want to get overexcited here, but sometimes it's just great to be alive. Like when Johan is pitching and makes all the Bitch Sox sit down, and Batgirl gets to scream, well, "Sit Down, Bitch" at the top of her lungs, and then we get three runs in the fifth inning off Freddy Garcia, off of a two-out rally and steam starts coming out of Garcia's ears and the Bitch Sox fans start booing like crazy because that's just how they are, that, my dears, is just a smashing way to spend one's time.

Okay, then Corey came up in the next inning, and that was probably an accident too. This time the ball hit him in the kneecap, and Corey went all A-Rod and started tossing off f-bombs at Garcia like crazy. Okay, no he didn't, but he totally shot Freddy a serious look. I mean, if looks could drop f-bombs...

Then it was the eighth inning, and the Bitch Sox had a whole new pitcher to hit Corey. And I don't really know what transpired, but I can only imagine the conversation in the dugout went something like this:

Bitch Sox 1: (Mirthful) Hey, they hit Koskie twice.
Bitch Sox 2: Heh heh. Cool.
Bitch Sox 1: (Wistful) Too bad they didn't get Hunter.
Bitch Sox 2: Yeah, sucks! Torii sucks!
Bitch Sox 1: (Thoughtful)…Hey! You know, Corey rhymes with Torii.
Bitch Sox 2: Heh, heh, yeah! Rhymes!
Bitch Sox 1: (Joyful) We should bean Corey again! It's the same thing! Ha! Damn, I love it when things rhyme.

So Damaso Marte hit Corey in the back, and Corey shot Marte, like, three looks, and that's when all hell broke loose. I can't really describe it, but we'll have to give you a reeanactment.

Alas, we didn't score in that inning—we decided to save it all for the ninth. Thanks to the fine bullpen stylin' of Boo Berry Rincon and J.C. "Lazarus" Romero, we had a 4-1 lead going into the ninth, but that was not enough for the Twins, no, no. More offense, and still yet more! Shannon "God, I Love You So Much, Please Never Leave Us" Stewart led off with a walk, then Cristian "Muey Caliente" Guzman bunted for a base hit, then Luscious Lew, then Dr. Morneau, and suddenly it was a 7-1 lead. And oh, have I mentioned it's great to be alive? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the BatKitties are snuggling, and the Bitch Sox are bitching!

It was nice, too, that Lee and Everett could hit homers in the bottom of the ninth, so the Bitch Sox could have something to cheer for. The fireworks even went off, which was sort of sweet, really. Not as sweet as a 2.5 game lead, but sweet, nonetheless.

BatAlert: The game against the Bitch Sox is at 1:00 on Wednesday.

Posted by Batgirl at July 27, 2004 11:36 PM