Dearest readers,
Batgirl had typed half an entry about the little known ancient Greek Bake-Off competition, sponsored yearly by the Platonic Meal company, and how one team, managed by a bitter ex-contestant came to dominate the competition. Joetorre had suffered a tremendous embarrassment many years before at the Bake-Off when he substituted salt for sugar on his Very Best Baklava and caused three of the judges to desiccate from the inside. It was the worst Bake-Off choke since Grady Little left his Pedro Martinis out in the sun too long. (Ha! Get it? Ha!) Anyway, after the humiliation Joetorre took it upon himself to put together a team of All-Stars from all over Greece. He traveled for years, finding the best amateur chefs the Empire had to offer, including one Derek Jeter, who made a souvlaki that was just to die for.
Well, anyway, as you can imagine, Joetorre's team won every year, yadda yadda, no one else had a chance, yadda yadda, until a motley crew of yadda yadda showed them a thing or two about melintzanosalata.
But you know what? Enough. Enough with the tortured Grecian metaphors, the Grady Little jokes, the half-baked Bake-Off idea. For today, the Minnesota Twins beat the New York Yankees by five runs, for their second victory in a row against the evil empire, and this, my dearest BatLings, deserves more than mousaka.
Let's go back to last week. Do you remember last week? Do you remember the Oakland series, the Mariners series? Do you remember all the sucking? Or have you blocked it out, stuck it in the dark corners of your brain in the place where the bad things go, like the ninth inning of the 5th game of the 2002 ALDS or your tour in 'Nam.
Let me refresh your memory. We sucked. We fell from our lofty perch quicker than Sisyphus's boulder goes rolling back down the ol' mountain in Hades when he's this close to the top. Cleveland was coming, yes, Cleveland was coming and in the words of the crusty old sailor in trailers for The Perfect Storm a couple years back, she's coming on strong, boys, she's coming on strong. Two weeks ago we thought the division was all sewn up, but that is because we are proud creatures, destined, like mighty Agamemnon, to be slain unceremoniously by our wife's new lover after we so haughtily return from victory in Troy. Agamemnon thought he had the central division all sewn-up, too. 'Til he got stabbed.
Anyway, we fell, and Cleveland, they rose, and pretty soon, what with all the rising and falling, the two teams were going to meet in the middle, and then it looked like we'd just keep falling on down, way to the bottom of the mountain, and Aegisthus would cuckold and stab us and then Sisyphus's boulder would smoosh our cuckolded, stabbed, pathetic little heads.
Oh, but then the great miracle happened, for Terence Mulholland pitched his aged, shriveled little heart out, and Cordel Koskos discovered the healing power of beating on defenseless chairs, and suddenly the Twins had stopped falling. Suddenly, the light was shining on us again. And then the mighty Yankees came to town. Perhaps you remember them from, you know, every game we've ever played against them. Yet somehow, this year, they didn't seem as fierce. Perhaps because on Sunday we remembered how to play baseball, or perhaps its because the Canadians suddenly got pissed, or perhaps its because we have Johan Santana, and they do not (note: Can we please keep it that way?). Whatever the reason, the Twins seemed ready to look the Gorgon in the eye and say, hey, Gorgon, you may be a team of genetically engineered superhumans, but we are not afraid of you.
So it was tonight, when Shannon Stewart faced off against Mike "Mousaka" Mussina and launched his second pitch high into the left field seats. And so it was when Johan Santana took the mound, stared at the likes of Derek Jeter, and politely suggested to them that they put their high-priced tuckus back on the bench. And so it was when Cristian Guzman scored two runs on a double in the fourth, then Stewart added another with two out. By the time the Twins had added three runs in the sixth inning, we'd pretty much poked that Cyclops in the eye.
Yes, the Twins have won a series against the New York Yankees, and tomorrow they go for the sweep. As we look to September, and glance casually but noncommittally toward October, what more could we ask for? Bake-Offs simply don't suffice, for we are in an epic battle of good versus evil, light v. darkness, aberrations v. Selig. The themes are weighty, the stakes great, the impact eternal. How Greek it is.
Love,
Batgirl
Woohoo! Tomorrow we go for the sweep and I'll be there. Look for me in the cheap seats, Bat Girl.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at August 18, 2004 11:41 PMAS for Batgirl, well... Batgirl RULES!!
Posted by: Mimiru at August 18, 2004 11:53 PMBatgirl,
Go Twins! Another great campaign stop for Santana-Nathan '04!
That said, I confess I'm a bit confused over this entry. You say, "Enough with the tortured Grecian metaphors." But then you namecheck Sisyphus and Agamemnon and conclude, "How Greek it is," after all. Deliberate irony? A change of heart in mid-entry?
Curious,
Peter
Posted by: Peter at August 19, 2004 12:54 AMSpeaking of Santana/Nathan '04, it was between to half inning early in the game, but I noticed a banner someone made stating that made it onto the Jumbotron! Was that a BatLing? Fess up if you did it!
Posted by: IcePhoenix at August 19, 2004 04:36 AMKudos again BatCommunity,
Predictably, Moose's DL return against Black Magic was unsuccessful. I do want you all to know, however, that Sterling and Steiner had much to say about your beloved Twins -- praise abound for Morneau and Santana, to name just two.
I will say that this is the first in depth look at Santana I have received and man, he is amazing! The YES crew (when I got home I turned the TV on) explained that the Twins got Santana for some dump pitcher and some cash from Florida (who chose Santana out of the Houston organization during the Rule 5 draft just to trade him to Minn for a dump pitcher and some cash) and I'm thinking 2 things:
1) Minnesota's scouts ought to get a big fat raise or at least a bonus.
2) Don't the Yankees have scouts? If so, do you think their job consists of opening up a newspaper, seeing Barry Bonds's stats and say "hey, let's get that guy, he looks good." Because since the early to mid 90s (rivera, jeter, pettitte, posada, bernie, guzman, milton, etc...) I haven't seen much scouting from our organization. Well, such is life.
I predict (and hope) we take tonight's game -- the Sox-which-shall-not-be-named are only 8 back and, well, it looked better at 10. :) Though I will say that Minnesota, Oakland, Texas, Cleveland (what happened to them...the bandwagon emptied so quickly) and Aneheim winning could help keep those same Sox out of the playoffs, which, incidentally, would make my season.
Good luck tonight - check out the rejuvinated el duque -- really something to see. He's no Santana though. He ought to make a strong debate for the cy young.
Cheers,
YankeeFan
I had the joy - no, the privilege, to defend the honor of our beloved Twins last night. See, I was stuck in Yankee land (section 219) with really bad accents and lots of spilt beer. They shouted Jeter, they reminded us all of there accomplishments (best money can buy), they even ripped on some of our Canadian born players.. But now, with my new arsenal of witty comebacks (courtesy of Bat-girl) I was able to shout sayings such as "Sit down Bitch" and "Santana & Nathan 04'" and defend our honor as is should be defended. You see... I'm relatively new to this site and just wanted to say thanks... to Bat-girl and to the girl who's in Chicago (yes defending our Twins) who introduced me to all this. I will read every morning. And yes, I do smell a sweep!!!!!
Posted by: Git-R-Done at August 19, 2004 07:45 AMThanks, I was starting to feel like I had been locked in Bill's Imported Foods...greek is OK but you can only eat lamb so many days in a row.
Great game and I was happy to see you remembered the 2 boys that I attribute the turnaround to - Terry M and Corey K. Corey is now 8 for 10 with 2 HRs, 2 doubles and 5 RBI since going Koskie on the chair. Time to bring in more chairs!
Another nice thing...Torii is starting to work his way back into my good graces. He looks like he is concentrating a little better at the plate over the last couple of games. Maybe that's because its the Yankees. If so, maybe he should pretend every team is the Yankees. Its time for him to knock one out of the park now - he's gone 7 games without a homer. I see 3 for 5 with a HR and a SB from him tonight.
Finally, I noticed Dave Berry is now reading your column and trying to copy your writing style. Forget it little friend, you're one of my favorite writers but you are no Batgirl. http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/sports/special_packages/olympics/9438047.htm?1c
Now its time for one more Yankee thumping and then bring on the Indians!!!
Dave
Posted by: SDave at August 19, 2004 08:08 AMDefenseless chair? Reports say that the chair was already in sad shape. Our beloved third baseman just put it out of it's misery.
Posted by: dirtdawg at August 19, 2004 08:30 AMHappy, happy, joy, joy.
If I'm dreamin', PLEASE don't wake me up!
Batgirl, yesterday's Crete-an's Monster post was absolutely brilliant--I shared it with a Yankee-fan I know who admitted as much--but I agree with you that last night's game deserved a more fitting recap.
You and the Twins have restored my faith in the eventual triumph of good versus evil, light v. darkness, etc.. And that is a beautiful thing.
I'll be at the game tonight, focusing all my mojo, positive vibes, and happy thoughts in Silva's general direction in hopes of a sweep.
Gawd... can you IMAGINE it??
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 19, 2004 08:43 AMNot only was the chair in sad shape already, but I have it on good authority that said chair was openly mocking Koskie's batting stance, swing, and heritage. Then it pulled a knife and asked if he wanted to "party".
Is this the low-class carpentry that Cleveland wants to be known for?
Posted by: Skorch at August 19, 2004 08:52 AMAfter pondering the "Koskie effect" I have come up with something I think should be added to the daily BP routine. I think the team should bring in a large chair and let the boys all take a number of whacks at it. I have found a few chairs that they can start on:
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/set/CIVIchair.html
Also, I see Corey was in Switzerland recently but must have been detained before he could finish his job on this one:
http://jonathan.rawle.org/gallery/summer2001/chair
Remember to protect those eyes!
Dave
Posted by: SDave at August 19, 2004 09:19 AMI'm going to the game tonight. I feel like all the omens are positive for the sweep: my long-awaited Batgirl t-shirt arrived in the mail yesterday; I stumbled across my misplaced whisk broom, which could fit inside my purse; and a friend gave me an autographed Torii Hunter baseball out of the blue.
I'm hoping that Complete-Game Carlos shows up tonight, and that he has been studying Bradke and Johanninator tapes for this matchup.
Go Twins!
Posted by: Cricket at August 19, 2004 09:53 AMGreetings...everyone keeps talking about this chair ... I don't suppose someone out there would be kind enough to recount the story of Koskos and the Chair (or post a link) ... I obviuosly missed something (happens often).
Thanks!
Posted by: Cyberspud at August 19, 2004 11:13 AMBatgirl and Yankeefan,
I don't have the words. I will simply applaud. Thanks again.
-Chris
Posted by: Chris at August 19, 2004 11:16 AMDearest Mr. Spud,
Batgirl has added a link to the story at the chair-incident reference above.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
I too was there last night. It was awesome. I'm working on a recap at my blog, but I just got up, and bat-girl was the first place I came. I'll let you guys know when I'm done.
Posted by: The 7th Angel at August 19, 2004 11:53 AMBeloved Batgirl,
I have no f'ing idea what half of the references in today's column mean (e.g, "We fell from our lofty perch quicker than Sisyphus's boulder goes rolling back down the ol' mountain in Hades...."), let alone the bake-off metaphor, I love you, baby. You make me fully justifried to puff my chest at the Evil Empire, and that's worth somethin'. Cheers,
BB
P.S. Dave Barry, p-tui. He couldn't fill you pens, let alone your bloomers.
Posted by: blogboy at August 19, 2004 11:55 AMThis morning my alarm clock radio flipped on in time to catch the sports scores (I live in Brooklyn, so this is usually whatever the Yankees did plus "oh yeah, the Mets lost again.") As soon as I heard the Yankees-Twins score I thought "Batgirl will be pleased," and then I had to hurry up and get to work because my home modem is currently busted, and I just HAD to get in on the Bat-Celebration. Congrats!
Posted by: Redbird at August 19, 2004 12:22 PMGolly, look who doesn't wanna see "us" in the postseason (from the NY Daily News):
The Twins, who had lost 13 straight regular-season games to the Yankees before Tuesday, lead the AL Central by 4-1/2games and could be the Yankees' first-round opponent if the Red Sox win the wild card. But that's shaping up as a scenario the Yankees would rather not see.
Posted by: RonDavis at August 19, 2004 12:46 PMNow for a little self-promotion--
As promised, I posted my review of the game last night. As loyal Batlings, you'll be surprised to find that I can't write as well as our wonderful Batgirl. If you do read it, please leave a comment. Constructive criticism is welcome. Keep in mind you are traveling from the Show down to A ball. You'll have to manually type your name unless you have a blogger account. To all who venture away from the comfort of the Batpage, thank you
http://the7thangel.blogspot.com
(I'd copy and paste this, unless you want to read it in the really small comments window"
Yankee Fan, my friend:
What's left of the Yankee amateur prospect scouting department these days, I believe, consists of a few operatives whose main function is to take the international scouts from other orgs out to a steakhouse and promise to pick up the tab if only they'll "tell us who you guys like out there." A little envelope under the table comes with dessert if the scout spills a few home addresses and phone numbers, as well.
Then, having bought such coveted prospects with the high bid, the newly minted "Yankee farmhands" are fattened on wine & pasta carbs, and given all the groupie cast-offs outside Jeter's apartment, until they're ready to be traded for your A-Rod's, your Vazquez's (but not our Santana!) a few years down the road.
Voila! The system works, baby! Ya gotta love that Yankee Magic! :)
Cheers,
Posted by: frightwig at August 19, 2004 03:15 PMOh, that's rich. Thanks, Batgirl.
So along with the sunflower seeds and gum, they'll need to stock a few extra chairs in the dugout. Hey, whatever works.
Posted by: Cyberspud at August 19, 2004 03:43 PMI enjoyed yelling "Sit Down, Bitch!" at the game, and also once got to yell "Doug Mientkiewicz would have gotten that!"
When you pay $3 to sit in the cheap seats with the other drunken college kids, "Sit Down, Bitch!" is the least vulgar thing you'll hear.
Posted by: Donnalove at August 19, 2004 03:54 PM"Agamemnon thought he had the central division all sewn-up, too. 'Til he got _stabbed_."
Bat-girl.com is now officially a "read only when not eating or drinking" site, that line nearly cost me my laptop
Posted by: ludekes at August 19, 2004 08:08 PMThat was my favorite line, too. If I had been sipping a beverage, it would've been on the desk at that moment for sure.
Posted by: frightwig at August 19, 2004 10:30 PM