New York at Twins. Twins 8, Yankees 2.
Ask any schoolchild who is the most famous King of Crete and they will answer, "George Steinbrenner!" Steinbrenner ruled Crete for many years, leading that kingdom to an obscene number of postseason victories. As a result, Steinbrenner believed himself to be greatly favored by the gods, and to prove it he one day bragged that he could cause a remarkable animal to be sent up from the sea. He prayed to Poseidon for a great creature, promising he would then sacrifice the creature to the god in gratitude. So, out from the waters came Jason Giambi, and Steinbrenner liked him so much that he decided to keep him, and sacrifice Tino Martinez instead.
Poseidon, naturally, was peeved. To get revenge on King George, he made Mrs. Steinbrenner fall in love with Giambi and to copulate frequently with him. As a result, she gave birth to a half-man, half-bull monster known as the New York Yankees.
Enraged and embarrassed, King George had his many minions construct a gigantic labyrinth where the monster would live.
Meanwhile, the great and greedy king set out to increase his power and he began to consume and conquer other city-states. For Steinbrenner had the mighty Bud Selig on his side, and when the other kings would not surrender, King George simply prayed to the almighty Selig to bring famine, ruin, and contraction to their lands.
Starved and spent, the other kings came to Steinbrenner to beg him to relieve their suffering. So King George told them he would be happy to help them—for a terrible price. He told them he would have Selig bring food back to their lands if the kings would give him their seven best players every year, which he would then put in the labyrinth where they would wander around lost and confused until they eventually encountered the viscious Yankees, who would eat them.
The kings had no choice; they needed to feed their people. So every year, players from around the country came and were devoured by the great beast at the center of the labyrinth.
Then one year, a band of noble but scraggly youths known as the Minnesota Twins decided they'd had enough. Too many people had suffered, and too many people had been devoured. So they met with the kings of all the lands and said, "Send us, next year, and we will defeat the dreadful beast."
"No, no!" said the kings. "We cannot lose you, for you have heart and you play excellent defense."
"We must go," said the Twins.
"Oh, all right then," said the kings. "Good luck with that!"
King George was surprised to see the strange crew. "This is a different sacrifice," he said. "I've never seen a group of players quite like this. You are brave, but your payroll is small."
Selig concurred. "An aberration!" he proclaimed. "The Mighty Yankees will eat them before dawn!"
So, with a giggle and a "Toodle-oo!" Steinbrenner placed the Twins in the labyrinth. It was dark and cold in there, and they wandered for days, keeping to a buddy system so no one would get separated. Every once in a while they heard the terrible grunts of the Yankees; with every turn they took, it seemed they were getting closer to their doom.
And then, suddenly, the awful creature jumped out in front of them with a resounding "GARRRRR!"
The player named Lew Ford promptly fainted, but the rest of the Twins bravely drew their bats and balls and stood ready to fight the hideous beast. "GARRR!" it said again. "Didn't I eat you last October?"
"No!" said the man Jacque Jones, "That was totally somebody else."
"Hmmm," responded the Yankees. "Sometimes I don't remember so good. Anyway, I'm gonna eat you now!"
"Ha!" squealed a Twin, stepping forward. "Just try!" At which point the Yankees glanced down at Little Nicky Punto, picked him up in his enormous hands, plunked him in his mouth, and swallowed noisily.
"Mmmmmmm," the monster said, "crispy."
"Goddammit!" cried the Twins. "That's the last straw!" Two burly players from the great northland wielded their bats and started banging on the monster. "Take that!" Corey Koskos yelled, attacking it as if it were a lone chair in a small room behind the visitors' dugout in Jacobs Field. "And that!" cried Dr. Justinian Morneau, hitting it with all the verve of a libidinous young man living in disguise in a hotel full of comely women.
The mammoth creature tried to fight back, but then all the Twins got in the action. A dark man known only as "Bradke" stood back and started firing baseballs at it. The creature stumbled and fell to the ground, whereupon Mssrs. Hunter, Stewart, and Jones jumped forward and began to relentlessly poke the monster. Poke, poke, poke. "How do you like that, huh?" they yelled. "Ever heard of small ball?" Poke, poke, poke. "Ever heard of developing players in the minors?" Poke, poke, poke.
And soon, the great beast was worn down. "I can fight no more," it whimpered. "You motley crew of little leaguers sure do have a lot of heart." And with that, the monster belched its last belch and died.
There was silence in the labyrinth. Santana looked at Silva, Silva at Stewart, Stewart at Rivas, and as one the Twins gathered in a circle around the horrible creature, and took off their hats and bowed their heads.
"He was just a pawn in King George's wicked game," said Juan Rincon.
"He wasn't such a bad little monster. All he needed was a little love," said Jose Offerman.
"Who is the greater monster, the monster, or the monster who pays it 186.7 million?" said Henry Blanco.
"I don't know," said Kyle Lohse. "That's a tough one."
"That was rhetorical," said Blanco.
"Oh, sorry," said Lohse.
"Well," said Shannon Stewart. "We did well my friends. But there is much evil left to conquer. Why, I bet only tomorrow we will find ourselves facing the darkness yet again. But if we work together, and if we start Johan Santana, then we will prevail."
All the Twins put on their hats, picked up their bats and balls, grabbed their buddy's hand, and went on their way.
"Hey," asked Lew Ford, "Does anyone know the way out?"
Posted by Batgirl at August 17, 2004 11:38 PMNooo!!!! They got Punto!!! Thank God for the Canadians and choosing NOT to play the olympics. Dr. Morneau, U-S-A. Wait. I mean T-W-I-N-S.
Posted by: james at August 17, 2004 11:59 PMNo way! I've been reviewing my Greek textbook in preparation for next semester and I was just translating the orignial of this! BatGirl, again I say, you rock!
Posted by: Andrew at August 18, 2004 12:16 AMIt's too late for me to be witty. Batgirl, your blogging in recent days has raised the standard for all whimsical internet writing. Vivid imagery, lively characters, sizzling dialogue, delightful photoshop.... Damn, you're good. It's like you do this for a living.
On a similar note, did you see the props bestowed upon you by that guy Studes at Gleeman's thehardballtimes? Truly, Batgirl, your star shines ever brighter.
Adoringly (and sleepily,)
AT
Posted by: AT at August 18, 2004 12:21 AMThat's 3 times for the little guy to be consumed in 3/4 of one season. He is on the disabled list for Christ's sake, and has no business fighting dragons, and if you keep this up, Guzie will retain his position for yet another year. Why does no one eat him?Rivas would be delicious as a chaser. With one huge bite the monster could clean out the entire middle infield,and gain the allegiance of Twin's fans everywhere.
Who would Aaron castigate then? Please use your powers unique to bring this purging about.
A late-night demographical note: your approval rating among Greek-reading Gusties named Andrew is clearly way off the charts. Like a billion percent. Seriously.
Posted by: AT at August 18, 2004 12:24 AM"Ever heard of small ball? Poke, poke, poke."
Yet another clever example of wit and sass that you just can't GET on Herodotus' blog!
One must not forget that at one time the horrible King George had one of the finest players in the land, Mr. Donny Baseball, and could not win anything. It was then that he traded virtue and manners for the monster of which you speak. Maybe your guys have been too nice and by finally standing tall and defeating the monster they will have destroyed any possible curse.
P.S. Thanks for making baseball fun...that quality has been lacking here in southern Ohio most of the season.
"Oh, sorry," said Lohse.
Shades of M. Python.
I love you Batgirl. Will you stil remember us when the evil empire steals you away to write about the Adventures of the Pinstripes? (not to be confused with Clubhouse)
Posted by: ketut at August 18, 2004 07:34 AMYet another brilliant post, complete with "Bosom Buddies" reference.
The reason Guzman & Rivas haven't been eaten is that they probably taste as bad as they play!
My sabermetrician brothers are on to you, Batgirl. We're discarding our pocket protectors and following the fair & righteous Batgirl!!!
Hahaha - kudos Batgirl, [applause]
Seriously though, congrats on a very well played game. This could have been the defining game of the season for both teams. It seems that the clubhouse leadership (see, e.g., Corey) and teamwork (too many examples to cite) are coming together for you guys, while the vast holes and pitching problems that come with assembling a team of former all-stars who all used to be the #1 guy on their respective teams (there is a reason they are mostly FORMER all-stars) have been exposed for my guys. In fact, no team has exposed so many weaknesses in so little time as the Twins did in last night's game.
With Black Magic pitching tonight, it looks highly likely that the monster will suffer the same fate as Sisyphus.
Regardless, it was a great baseball game to watch through 7 innings -- at least SOMEBODY was playing good fundamental baseball. Thank you for that and good luck tonight. I do not know what to expect from Mussina off the DL but one thing is certain: I look forward to the Batgirl postgame.
YankeeFan
Posted by: YankeeFan at August 18, 2004 08:13 AMBrilliant, as ever (if it really even needs saying anymore)!!
On an unrelated note -- shout out to the guy in section 222 wearing the first wave of BatGear!
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P. at August 18, 2004 08:34 AMOh.
My.
Goodness.
I was afraid it had all been a dream, but it seems it really DID happen. A for real win. Not even a back-door flukey accidental kind of win... but an honest to gosh solid pitching, hit and run ball, base-stealing, home-run scoring, take your pinstripes and SIT DOWN kind of win! Wah!
My heart glows with love for this team. I knew they'd be back, but I sure didn't expect it to be against the Spank-Me's.
Ptew. I spit on your curse. Folly! Silliness!
And you all will be gratified to know that when Lew Ford came to the plate for his first at bat in the second inning, I said to my Goddess self, "If Lew gets a hit here, he will be my official boyfriend. Not just for the day, but for the SEASON. Maybe longer."
And sho' nuff, that's exactly what he went and did. Lew is my man. The fates have spoken.
P.S. Forgive my ignorance, but would somebody please tell me what that Barbie backpack is all about??
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 18, 2004 08:37 AMDear Batgirl -
Giggles abound! Fabulous - but c'mon no more Nick devourings - is that a word?? Can we pick on someone else next time?!? Or is Nick just so tasty that he's just impossible to resist?!?
Well Wishes -
Wonder Woman
TwinsGoddess - The Barbie backpack replaced the wagon. The bullpen pitchers, led by Aaron Fultz, started a tradition where the youngest person on the team has to take out all their stuff like gloves, sunflower seeds, etc. At first it was a little red Radio Flyer wagon, but after slump Gardy decided it was bad luck and had the wagon banished.
So now they use the pink Barbie backpack instead, and things have been just ducky since.
Posted by: Skorch at August 18, 2004 08:49 AMMany thanks, Skorch!
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 18, 2004 08:55 AMIt seems superfluous to jump on the Batgirl love pile at this point, but, damn, that was great.
Posted by: The Navigator at August 18, 2004 09:31 AMTwinsgoddess-
If I remember correctly, Gardy didn't have the wagon banished so much as the bullpen went Koskie on it. Soon after of course, the Twins began to do their thing in the bullpen and Juan Rincon and Joe Nathan went on their influential run. "You want to hit this? Well I throw 95 (98 for the Nathanator) sooo.... Sit DOWN, BITCH".
I think the Twins seem to have discovered the best way to break a slump. Figure out what the bad influence is (a clubhouse chair in Cleveland, a wagon, a bat, whatever) and beat the living daylights out of it.
-TBird
For the record the Barbie backpack is borne to the bullpen by the most junior member of the relief corps, usually Grant Balfour (unless Crain, etc. is up). It's part of a "freshman hazing" thing.
Posted by: elderfelder at August 18, 2004 10:23 AMDear Batgirl,
Thank you for providing these moments, that frankly, make my day. And I am not alone. Even non-baseball people that I know get a kick out of you.
Keep up the great work. These themed entries are a hit.
But what will Batgirl and company do once the dreaded off season comes? Do I have to go all winter not only without baseball, but without you?
Posted by: Jason at August 18, 2004 10:39 AMOh, my God! They killed Nicky! You bastards!
Posted by: Brande at August 18, 2004 12:11 PMA little off topic but out boy Supernatual is one of the most feared players in baseball according to ESPN:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=klapisch_bob&id=1861995
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... except I kept waiting for the hurler Johanos Santanos to bellow at the monster: "Καθίστε, Σκύλα"
Posted by: RonDavis at August 18, 2004 12:54 PMPunto is the Kenny of Batgirl. No BG episode is complete without a good Punto eating.
Posted by: Goober at August 18, 2004 02:55 PMBetween this and the bosum buddie posting, I'm embarrassing myself at work.
I can't do this as I'm located far away from the Twin Cities, but I suggest all batlings organize a home event at the dome and sit together. Say, you get a 50 person turnout. Make sure it's a night when Johan is pitching. Then, when he strikes someone out, everyone in the group gets up and hollers "Sit Down, Bitch!". It would be really cool if it was a fairly quiet night otherwise, so the whole dome could hear it. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too troublesome to the family atmosphere of the dome.
I think some Punto-eating BatMerchandise would be quite funny. Perhaps "Who ate Punto this time?" or a defiant "Nobody eats my Punto!". Actually, Puntos sound like a snack food, like Doritos or Cheetos..."Puntos--I Bet You Can't Eat Just One".
I'm sure Bat-Girl could come up with something more clever in this regard. But it is definitely something to consider--perhaps after the Sanatan/Nathan election campaign dies down.
The NPLL (Nick Punto Liberation League) would like to propose Michael Cuddyer as the new Kenny. He's much more meaty and probably much sweeter, given all the Krispy Kremes.
She-Ra, P.O.P.
Co-Chair, NPLL
**Donations Welcome**
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P. at August 18, 2004 03:38 PM*voice over*
"Punto-eating hordes...next...on a very special Batgirl...."
Posted by: BAT bandwagoner at August 18, 2004 03:41 PMI being Co-Chair of the NPLL second She-ra, P.O.P's motion -
Well Wishes
Wonder Woman
and Dagnabbit - stop eating Nick ;-)!!!
Posted by: Wonder Woman at August 18, 2004 03:45 PMMorneau to Koskie, "Anything you can do I can do better, eh. I can do anything better than you, eh"
Koskie to Morneau, "No you can't, eh"
Morneau to Koskie, "Yes I can, eh"
Yay to more beatdowns of the Crete-an's
Posted by: Lunchbox at August 18, 2004 04:01 PMI'm never less than pleased by reading Batgirl, but this is my favorite entry in quite some time. The conversation amongst the players after they had slain the beast brought tears--and that it should be Lohse who would try to answer Blanco's rhetorical question is just too perfect.
Go sit down the pinstriped bitches tonight, Johan. If you can beat MIKE MUSSINA, then we'll know it's truly the dawn of a new epoch.
Posted by: frightwig at August 18, 2004 04:51 PMHeh Bat-girl,
Best part of last night was the sneeky steal of second by Torii. It was not just a poke, poke, poke but an actual poke in the eye. One thinks that the Gods did make blind men of the monster afterall. tWINs.
Posted by: heckler at August 18, 2004 05:57 PMSigh - sorry this is a bit off topic - but I received a sad email - my pink batgirl shirt is out of stock & wont be in stock for another month ;-( & sigh again now I cannot properly advertise the Mistress of More Sass and Less Stats - Maybe I will just tote around my lunch box.
Oh - on a high note I heard Boo on the radio and whoa it did get hot in here - he does have a nice - rich voice and yup - the accent - swooooonnnnnnnnn!!
Time to get to the yelling
Well Wishes
Wonder Wonman
RonDavis--
I don't know if you are working in modern or ancient Greek, and not to split hairs, but wouldn't Johannos Santanos have said something more like "ΚαθίεΣκύλη" since he would be using the 2nd person singular imperative and then the vocative feminine ending? But the message is the same in any language.
To say that it's all Greek to me would be superfluous at this point. Not to mention a horrible pun.
But it's true...
MK
Posted by: mk at August 18, 2004 06:53 PMDearest Ms Ra, P.O.P.,
Did yuo really see someone in BatGear?
Thrilled,
BG
I noticed that Koskie's sneaky steal tonight was made possible by Jorge Posada dropping the ball. Does that mean the American League expects the Spanish Inquisition more than Koskie running the bases these days?
With a fanatical devotion to the Twins,
MK
Maybe Corey likes to watch kung fu with Torii these days, too.
Posted by: frightwig at August 18, 2004 09:15 PM"No, no!" said the kings. "We cannot lose you, for you have heart and you play excellent defense."
"We must go," said the Twins.
- This part made me laugh out loud.
Dear mk,
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!
Or the Great White Northern Swipe!!
It's a beauty way to go... ;-)
bubblemint
Posted by: bubblemint at August 18, 2004 11:00 PMDear BG,
Definitely - my heart skipped a beat when I saw the web addy on the back of his long-sleeved t-shirt, and then I willed him to turn around as hard as I could and lo & behold:
Santana/Nathan '04 -- "Sit Down, Bitch!"
It was a near-tearful, absolutely joyous moment. Had I been more of an extrovert I would have rushed over and given him a big BatHug. Or at least invented a super secret BatHandShake.
Fawningly yours,
She-Ra, P.O.P.