Twins 9, Tampa Bay 1
Tuesday, 1 May. Weight: 240 (lost 5 lb of incredible burden on shoulders) ERA: 6.67 (v.v.v.g.! and game ERA 1.29 even better!) Alcohol Units: undisclosed amount (top secret!).
Had v.g. dream last night. Visited by B. Ruth, who revealed top secret blood alcohol level most conducive to pitching (surprised to see it not 0.0!) Is secret known only to self, D. Wells, and D. Eckersley. Was excited to get to pitch today. Felt confident until realized dilemma. Have been v. concerned about ass lately, what with eminent domain issue from rapid expansion, and also v. concerned as discovered Bat-Girl v. interested in asses of Twins. Probably have spent too much time worrying about how ass looks on mound. Would pitch better if wore scary, stomach squeezing underpants preferred by grannies the world over. However, not suitable for locker room attire, as would be mocked. Normally wear much more acceptable black pearl/lace thong. Decided that, since had just discovered how to have drink and pitch too, must go with scary pants. Had slip-up in first inning, as heard J. Bartlett snicker "Granny panties!" just as was making pitch. Ended up hitting E. Dukes, he of the sexy, chiseled arms. When D. Young came up to bat in second inning, gave self knowing wink that threw off timing, gave up dinger. But, remembered, am mature adult comfortable with self (finished reading My Pitching Coach, Myself just last night) and do not need Smug DesignatedHittereds mocking choice of undergarments. Pitched scoreless innings after. Not bothered by abundance of base-runners, as does not matter if do not cross plate. Not bothered by long flyouts that could have been homeruns if hitter had just gotten bit more of pitch, as were still in park and still outs. Knew was looking great, pitching great, beyond reproach, Hall-of-Fame performance. Received chest thumps from L. Castillo (who asked self if had lost weight), warm hug from J. Cirillo (he of dreamy eyes, so glad had love handles under control), handshake from R. Anderson (Why not butt pat? Butt so entirely pattable, could bounce quarter off butt. Could bounce Quarter Pounder with Cheese off butt!). Went home, peeled self out of underpants (could not fit even one drink in stomach with stomach compressed so), poured drink (not starting tomorrow! B.A.L. nonissue!), and started diary for Bat-Girl. When refreshed page, realized had made right decision about scary pants. Was rewarded for ass-wrangling underpants-related humiliation by first Boyfriend of Day. Elated. May never wash scary pants again.
Posted by Donnalove at May 1, 2007 10:58 PMDonnalove,
Your words are like a waking nightmare. Everytime I see Sidney Ponson from now on I'll have visions of him "peeling himself out of his underpants". Ugh...uncalled for. No amount of booze, drugs or forks shoved in sockets can get that unpleasant visage out of my skull. That being said, love the weekly diary entries.
-John
Posted by: MTTwin at May 2, 2007 12:28 AMThese should be printed, bound together, and sold in book form. Absolutley beautiful.
Posted by: angryscott at May 2, 2007 12:38 AMThis is definitely the best diary yet... I feel torn about the fact that there will be opportunities for at least two or three more, however. One part of me wants to read them, while the other part knows I will only get that chance because Sir Sidney "earned" himself those extra starts.
Posted by: Ryan at May 2, 2007 01:16 AMHere's hoping El Sid "earns" about 25 more starts by doing roughly the same thing to teams that aren't the Devil Rays.
-ex
Posted by: expatriate at May 2, 2007 01:20 AMGood lord - we've got opium-inspired poetry, secret blood alcohol contents, toke jokes - are we back in college?!?
And can we stay there as long as Fat Sidney keeps oozing out of jams?
Posted by: tgd at May 2, 2007 05:55 AMBatGirl, you are making me feel very conflicted. SO want Sir Sid to get the hook to allow some of the young talent come up and actually contribute, but LOVE Sir Sid's diary entries so very much!
Posted by: HootieMac at May 2, 2007 09:04 AMThe statistic lost in all the "7 IP, 1 R, 5 K" hoopla is the fact that Sir Sidney had his THIRD 1-2-3 inning of the season in the 6th! Yes, you read that right, he's only done it 3 times out of 28.1 innings pitched. Yikes.
Posted by: Eric at May 2, 2007 09:16 AMDonna. Genius. Now that the ass is under control, maybe we can do something about the hair.
Posted by: Carmen at May 2, 2007 09:22 AM
The reference of Sidney Ponson and "black pearl/lace Thong" should NEVER, I repeat NEVER, be written or thought about again!!
Posted by: Sa-16 at May 2, 2007 09:47 AMAt least, not by *us*. We should mail these to opponents. ;)
Posted by: Piranhtachew at May 2, 2007 10:40 AMExcuse me . . . I need to go poke out my mind's eye!
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at May 2, 2007 11:07 AMIt's been so busy at work this week I hadn't had a chance to check Bat-girl, but I knew last night that I'd find time somehow today. I could hardly wait to read the latest diary entry. Thanks for the great work. Now I just need to wipe the lunch off my computer...
Posted by: mnfarmgirl at May 2, 2007 12:12 PMUghh-that hair. Wish it would go.
Posted by: Linda at May 2, 2007 03:46 PMIt would be crazy-hard to write with that much color about any other Twin, which makes Ponson the perfect subject (victim). These are terrific.
Go Boof!
Posted by: MO at May 2, 2007 03:51 PM"Could bounce Quarter pounder with Cheese off Butt" ha! Great entry!
Posted by: Jaguar at May 2, 2007 06:05 PMOh, how I hope for more entries. Nicely done again, Donnalove.
Posted by: BAT bandwaonger at May 2, 2007 09:49 PM"much more acceptable black pearl/lace thong"
May need to go throw-up now.
Oh, and Donnalove, you the man-tana.
Hey-I actually LIKED the images I got! Black thong, Sid naked, damn, you may think I'm sick but that got ME HOT!!!!And I LOVE his hair! You people who don't, well, drool over some short-haired dork if you must. Though I laugh at the diary, I also drool over parts of it-probably not the parts you want me to! But I'd take Sidney Ponson no matter what he wore-or didn't! He's the coolest yet hottest player around-don't choke, I mean it! Love the hair, love the smile, love the whole package (yeh, that too!) I think I'd only throw up when thinking of Sid if he'd gotten me pregnant and I had morning sickness!
Hey, have fun with the dude, he can take it-but remember, insane as it sounds, some of us REALLY do LIKE him! Funny is funny, but getting mean and personal is just plain evil! Keep it funny, OK? And I hope he stays a Twin-my dream would be for Garza, Slowey, Baker and Perkins to be traded for Matt Morris and Barry Bonds!
Sidney is an aquired taste-one that makes my mouth water! I'm glad I'm one of the seeming few who appreicate him! That means if his engagement goes wrong, I may just have a chance!