This entry posted by Twayn’s Flying Circus.
Many fans are disappointed with the news that the Twins and Justin Morneau were unable to reach an agreement on a long-term contract and have broken off further discussions. For those interested in just how these types of deals are negotiated, we have managed to obtain (through confidential sources familiar with the dumpster behind Lee County Sports complex) a transcript of the final bargaining session between Terry Ryan and Justin Morneau's agent, Mark Pieper.
[Terry Ryan hurries into the conference room at Hammond Stadium and takes a seat at the table opposite Pieper and his assistant, Bert.]
RYAN: Okay, how much does he want? Quickly.
PIEPER: What?
RYAN: It’s for Carl’s peace of mind. How much?
PIEPER: Oh. Uh, 40 million shekels for four years.
RYAN: Right. Done.
PIEPER: What?
RYAN: There you go. 40 million shekels.
PIEPER: Wait a minute.
RYAN: What?
PIEPER: Well, we're supposed to haggle.
RYAN: No, no, no. I've got to get Santana and Nathan to sign extensions, and see if…
PIEPER: What do you mean, 'no, no, no'?
RYAN: I haven't the time. I've got to trade some hot young arms for a backup shortstop and…
PIEPER: Well, take it back, then.
RYAN: No, no, no. I just paid you. We have a deal…
PIEPER: Bert!
BERT: Yeah?
PIEPER: This bloke won't haggle.
BERT [menacingly]: Won't haggle?! What’s your *&%#ing problem, mate?
RYAN: All right, all right. Do we have to?
PIEPER: Now, look. We want 40 million for four years.
RYAN: I just gave you 40 million for four years.
PIEPER: Now, are you telling me the league MVP’s not worth 40 million shekels?
RYAN: No.
PIEPER: Look at him. Look at that quality. That's hero stuff, not any of your goat.
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 39 million then.
PIEPER: No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.
RYAN: What?
PIEPER: Haggle properly. He’s not really worth 39 million.
RYAN: Well, you just said he was worth 40 million.
PIEPER: Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Come on. Haggle.
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 20 million.
PIEPER: That's more like it. 20 million?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! 20 million?!
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 22 million.
PIEPER: Now you're getting it. 22 million?! Did I hear you right?! 22 million?! And 10 percent for me? That doesn’t even cover my expenses. You want to ruin me?!
RYAN: 35 million?
PIEPER: No, no, no, no. 35 million, dear me.
RYAN: 36 million then?
PIEPER: No, no. You go to 24 million now.
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 24 million shekels for four years.
PIEPER: 24 million?! Are you joking?!
RYAN: That's what you told me to say.
PIEPER: Oh, dear.
RYAN: Oh, tell me what to say. Please!
PIEPER: Offer me 26 million.
RYAN: I'll give you 26 million.
PIEPER: He's offering me 26 million! For the American League MVP!
RYAN: 27 million!
PIEPER: 33 million shekels. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
RYAN: 33 million then. Deal.
PIEPER: Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what. I'll throw you in a washed up starting pitcher as well.
RYAN: I don't want him, I’ve got plenty of them, thanks.
PIEPER: Bert!
BERT: What? He still not haggling? You really do have a *&%#ing problem, don’t you, mate?
RYAN: All right! All right! All right! I’ll take your washed up pitcher.
PIEPER: Now, where's the 33 million you owe me?
RYAN: I just gave you 40 million.
PIEPER: Oh, yeah. That's right. That's 7 million I owe you, then.
RYAN: Well, that's all right. Just keep it. That's fine. I’m in a bit of a rush.
PIEPER: No, no. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere.
RYAN: That's all right. We’ll just call it 7 million for the pitcher.
PIEPER: 7 million? For this pitcher? 7 million?! Look at him. He’s worth 10 million if he’s worth a shekel.
RYAN: But you just gave him to me for nothing.
PIEPER: Yes, but he’s worth 10 million!
RYAN: All right. All right.
PIEPER: No, no, no. He’s not worth 10 million. You're supposed to argue, '10 millon for that? You must be mad!'
RYAN: Look, just forget the whole thing. We’ll try again next year.
[Terry Ryan takes back his 40 million shekels and makes a hasty exit.]
PIEPER: Oh, well. One born every minute.
Posted by twayn at March 22, 2007 11:58 AMSpeaking of not good news about the M&M boys, Mauer has a stress reaction in his leg (it's a precursor to a stress facture)
http://www.startribune.com/509/story/1072702.html
Posted by: TBird41 at March 22, 2007 02:44 PMYeah, I read that about JoJo. What in the hell is goin' on?!?!
In regards to the Life of Ryan, BRILLIANT!
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at March 22, 2007 03:48 PMI hope JoJo's condition doesn't get any worse! This is terrible!
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at March 22, 2007 04:01 PMTwayne... sometimes you just kill me!!! god, that's funny.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at March 22, 2007 04:31 PMand I don't know why I ALWAYS want to put an "e" on the end of your username... never fails.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at March 22, 2007 04:32 PMI'm having a stress reaction RIGHT NOW! Fix the Chairman!
Posted by: Dr. Trivicon at March 22, 2007 04:32 PMA stress reaction isnt that bad. A few days rest and everything's better. Plus they caught it before it went fracture so they know to be careful with the leg for at least the first part of the season and Mauer will prob have regular checkups to make sure its not coming back.
Posted by: TwinsinBoston at March 22, 2007 06:42 PMI've been a bit of a lurker of late--I just don't feel like I have the depth of knowledge that so many of you have about this wonderful game, hence no posts from this neophyte.
But, if I may say, it sure is great to have the baseball season ramping up, and to see some friendly and familiar names on the BG site, as well as to have that little cutie Dash grant us his middle-of-the-night musings.
I'm off to Ft. Myers this Monday to catch some of the action. Play ball!
Posted by: JetChick at March 22, 2007 07:35 PMHey JetChick, Don't sweat it. This is a welcoming bunch!
Have fun in FLA! If you happen to take pics . . .
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at March 22, 2007 08:16 PMNice Twayn, very nice.
Hearing the words :Mauer injured," not good. Happy to hear it's not too bad tho'.
Up the Pythons !!!!!
Posted by: public enemy mike at March 23, 2007 12:54 AMI vote that Terry Ryan legally changes his names, as it causes me too much confusion when I read posts like this.
Posted by: Ryan at March 23, 2007 01:36 AMHey all,
I'm off to Ft. Myers next week, too. Any suggestions for what to do when I'm *not* attending games? It's my first time at spring training!
Posted by: sacky at March 23, 2007 07:58 AMThe Baseball Preview issue of Sports Illustrated just came out, and on the Twins pages (96-97) they ask the question, "Which blog or fan site has the best Twins info? Vote now at SI.com/twinsvote. These sites will be featured at SI.com's new Twins team page"
Aaron Gleeman
Bat-girl
Seth Speaks
Twins Geek
Beeg needs votes!!!!
Posted by: heraldguy at March 23, 2007 08:06 AMSacky,
GO TO THE BEACH.
Seriously. There's the most delightful stretch of palm-tree littered sand not half an hour from the city center. There's also a lovely nature preserve within spitting distance of the spring training facility, if you're up for a ramble or a hike.
If you're looking for souvenirs, there's a place called the Shell Factory on the outskirts of town. All the kitsch you could ever want, plus a lot of truly nice stuff. I picked up some great summer jewelry and t-shirts there when I was in town.
There's also all the standard oceanside stuff in the area--snorkeling trips, fishing trips, diving, sailing... Depends on how much cash you're willing to fork out, really.
Oh, and DO get to the park early (like, mid-morning) at least once. Watch the workouts and drills they do in the hours before the game. Very entertaining!
--infield
Posted by: infield at March 23, 2007 09:45 AMOn the vein of Ryan wanting Terry Ryan to change his name, I suggest Booby McCleave.
With a Twins GM named Booby and a Gopher basketball coach named Tubby...Minnesota wins. It just wins.
Posted by: Dave at March 23, 2007 10:40 AMThe post is genius, Twayn. My question is, is Ryan with the Judean Peoples' Front, or the Peoples' Front of Judea? And which one will do what must be done in order to get the good Doctor signed to a long-term deal?
Posted by: adidasman at March 23, 2007 04:17 PMDear adidasman,
Your question begs the question, what do pitchers for the Judean People's Front throw to batters from the People's Front of Judea? Splitters, of course.
Unabashedly,
Twayn
Posted by: twayn at March 23, 2007 08:20 PMLegoVision for 2007? PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE! :D
Posted by: Pickles at March 23, 2007 11:45 PMIt really bothers me that the Twins didn't pony up a few million more to pick up Morneau for another four years. They probably could have had him for four years/$36-38 million. And that's four years over the year he's already signed for. Makes me sad on the inside.
Posted by: Deviation at March 24, 2007 03:23 AMCompletely off topic, as usual.
Am I the only one who gets driven crazy by March Madness and football stories on Sports Center? Don't they know that baseball exists? Does anyone care about football? Today they had a 4-minute story on the Jets. I couldn't tell you the content because I had to watch something else. I did see 45 seconds on the Twins the game that Hunter/Morneau each hit dingers. I suppose they have more stories about baseball, but I don't have the patience to wait out the basketball-basketball-basketball-football-football-nascar-football-basketball stories.
Posted by: Brooklynegg at March 24, 2007 07:56 AMI have to agree with you, Brooklnegg, although I try to remember this is pre-season and not get too upset. I save my rantings for later in the season, when the playoffs are drawing near and fantasy football gets more coverage than baseball!
Posted by: hossengopper at March 24, 2007 09:08 AMour old friend CK is not doing so hot these days. This is the first i've heard of it, but dang. poor guy...
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/spring2007/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=2807197
I'll pay TR money if it means keeping Silva out of the rotation at this point. 9 runs, 11 hits in 3 innings???
Posted by: Eric at March 24, 2007 06:20 PMNice start by Silva.
Free Garza.
er, bumper...
Posted by: E-6 at March 24, 2007 09:32 PMLife of Ryan. I love it.
Posted by: FordHoiberg at March 25, 2007 10:44 AMFree Garza. That's a bumpersticker I'd buy for sure. Proceeds could go towards paying off Silva's contract. As for Silva, I know he wants to pitch, but I can think of far worse things than making 4.35 million bucks (is that right?) whether he pitches or not.
Posted by: Tricia at March 25, 2007 11:38 AMI lost what little Silva empathy I had left after Bart got smacked with a line drive - NOT cool! I'll take one of those FREE GARZA stickers as well. Souhan's article in the Strib today is pretty much an echo of what everyone's saying here...
Posted by: Newton at March 25, 2007 12:21 PMi will buy a free garza if available BG
Posted by: ovie at March 25, 2007 07:13 PM