This entry posted by Twayn, whose illusions are shattered.
We’re all adults here, right? I mean, it’s not like we’re in junior high anymore. No, we’re grownups now. We can talk about this frankly and maturely with a minimum of snickering, and we’ve already heard the Alex Fitzderek jokes so we can move past that too, thank you very much. No, this is something to take seriously, like misdemeanor charges or gingivitis. Because it seems, ladies and gentlemen, that Alex Rodriguez has been faking it for years.
Alex and Derek in happier times.
That’s right, A-Rod is a great big faker, just like those webcam girls that fill your inbox with spam about how hot they are for you, but they really aren’t, they just want your money and believe me, it can be hard to explain those credit card charges to your wife. No, it turns out the richest player in baseball isn’t nearly as cozy with teammate and dreamboat Captain Derek Jeter as he’s been letting on for several years. While Alex was leading us all to believe that he and Derek were still as close as the little piggies that went to market and to town, under the covers there’s been a bit of tension simmering between the two. Oh, we saw the signs, like last year when Derek wouldn't stick up for Alex when he was doing his Tony Batista imitation at third base, but we didn't want to believe it. Fortunately for the Yankees and their fans, Alex and Derek have handled the downturn in their relationship like men. That is to say, they’ve buried their real feelings as deeply as possible and hidden behind a facade of false conviviality.
Alex gives Derek one of his 'special' hugs.
And A-Rod’s relationship with Derek isn’t the only one that’s been suffering for years now. It seems as well that A-Rod’s relationship with the media has been a bit like that of many a dysfunctional couple, what with all the lying and the pretending and the passive aggressive behavior. So Alex lied to the media because that's what they wanted, because they didn’t really care about his feelings, you see, but he didn’t really enjoy the lying at all, he just did it to keep them happy. And the media, well, they’re just insensitive louts with insatiable appetites that don't give a tinker's damn about Alex’s vulnerable emotional states as long as they get theirs every day by deadline, so hurry up with those bloomers, A-Rod.
Alex and Derek were once so close they autographed each other's balls.
It’s sad, really. We can only imagine the idyllic Friday night sleepovers that took place in Derek’s Central Park West condo after an evening of cruising trendy Manhattan nightclubs, the intensity of their masculine bonding, the late night movie and video game marathons, the Saturday morning cartoon watching, the mysterious and sanguine rituals that turned this charmed pair, this veritable Castor and Pollux, into kindred spirits, into nothing less than blood brothers.
Sad indeed, but those days are over now, it seems, and have been ever since Alex got a bug up his backside and said some mean things about Derek to one of those damn media guys, the ones that not only don’t respect you afterwards but like to brag to all of their buddies about it, too. Word got around.
Alex and Derek performing their blood brother handshake.
“Alex says Derek isn't a real leader.”
“Alex says Derek is surrounded by talent.”
“Alex says other teams don’t fear Derek.”
It all went downhill very quickly after that. And now, a few years later, Alex seems to be ready to move on, ready to face up to the reality that while he may still share a locker room with Derek, they can never recapture the magic of those salad days they once shared, and that Tennessee Williams was probably right, there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.
Alex and Derek demonstrate the Dance of the Prima Donnas.
So why now? Why, you may ask, after years of deceipt and duplicity is Alex finally coming clean? Well, it's just a hunch, but there's a certain former Minnesota Twin on the Yankees roster this year, a guy Alex used to hang with in high school, a guy who maybe can help him deal with all of his confused and repressed feelings. A guy we like to call Dougie Baseball. Sure, maybe the Yanks did sign him for his late inning defense. But maybe, just maybe, it was because Alex could really, really use a friend again right now.
"Alex and Derek were once so close they autographed each other's balls."
May I never grow up too much to laugh hysterically at a statement like that.
Posted by: fhqwhgads at February 20, 2007 03:32 PMWho gets to keep the awards?
Posted by: Piranhtachew at February 20, 2007 03:51 PMBoy, keep the mic away from Tim Hardaway on this one!
Posted by: Shaun at February 20, 2007 04:04 PMWho gets to play Lohan and Britney to this Paris and Nicole? Could the world survive if drunk-and-pantyless in the limo pics of Alex and jason giambi were to show up on wwtdd.com or hollywoodtuna.com?
Posted by: brianS at February 20, 2007 04:15 PMForgive me if I refrain from imagining Jason Giambi sans undergarments...yetch.
I think poor ol' A-Rod is tired of living a lie, he's tired of living in the shadow of The Man With His Own Scent, and he's probably tired of being so rich and good-looking and biracial and talented, yet so unappreciated by those nasty New York media folks. So he's decided to give this honesty thing a try. Maybe he's hoping his vulnerability will bring Derek back to his side, so they can once again party like it's 1999. Or maybe it's just the stupid world of the stupid Yankees, and I don't really care all that much, because the Twins are back in camp and ready to claim in 2007 what should have been theirs in 2006.
Yeah, it's the last one. Definitely.
Posted by: adidasman at February 20, 2007 04:25 PMsigh. just when you thought it was Alex + Derek, BFF. And I thought is was true guy love ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GF6rSGfUdyg
Posted by: msb at February 20, 2007 05:18 PMLOL. This story made me laugh. It's like high school, what with all the drama over not being friends with someone anymore.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at February 20, 2007 06:29 PMI heard this on the way home from work and thought it had to be a joke. Seems junior high to me. Still, it gives us poor freezing people something to laugh at. Surely there will be a Donald/Rosie type feud on the way!
Posted by: Linda at February 20, 2007 07:44 PMBrilliant.
Posted by: Stacy at February 20, 2007 10:04 PMNice one Twayn. Nice.
Posted by: Twin-X at February 20, 2007 11:01 PMHere we go. *Roles eyes*
http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20070220&content_id=1808621&vkey=news_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb
Twayn, you're the bomb! This story is just too funny. The little caption about them signing each other's balls... Immature but stinkin' FUNNY!!! Oh my gosh!!! Both men are the equivalent of a Paris and Nicole duo.. Only in the MLB. Seriously boys, GROW UP! Instead of signing balls why don't you grow some!
Posted by: Jenny at February 21, 2007 12:46 AMWhen did A-rod make those comments? 4 years ago? 5 years ago? And it's STILL an issue between them, even with them now playing for the same team. Someone, and I think his name sound like Eric Eater, needs to suck it up and get over it.
As much as watching bad things happen to the Yankees makes me happy they need to sort this. Jeter is the "Captain", well act like a leader. In normal life work enviroments we have to make it work with people who aren't our best friends and who we maybe have had issues with in the past. You have to get past it or you're not doing your job. If Jeter is the leader of the team it's his job to encourage and support the other players, especially the best player on the club, as it is he acts like he wants A-Rod to fail.
I don't mind Jeter acting like a jerk, because it helps the Yankees lose, which I like. But what I'm sick of it the media (East Coast bias anyone?) talking about what a great, winning focused, leader Jeter is. In life and work all of us no doubt have real examples of genuine leadership and this isn't it.
And don't even get me onto the subject of his Gold Gloves.
Beside the Yankees are old, the Twins are young, the Yankees are going downhill battling how to shake off aging stars, the Twins are tying up great young players who are going to get better.
And the Yankees have no Sass!!!!!
What? Derek and A-Rod aren't as close as they pretend to be? Well, now the season is totally ruined.
And "dreamboat Captain Derek Jeter"? He always looks half-asleep to me.
Posted by: JustBeth at February 21, 2007 08:00 AM*snork*
*giggle*
ah... I'm so glad for the end off-season. Twayne, you slay me..
Posted by: CapitalBabs at February 21, 2007 08:38 AMmy world has been shattered- if A-rod and Jeter can't last - there is no hope for the future =(
Much love
Wonder Woman
fhgwhgads- Amen.
Posted by: Eric at February 21, 2007 10:48 AMJust be happy you don't have to listen to 24-7 coverage of it on sports talk radio. LaurieNY - you have my permission to kill random people today. As a YankeeFan I can't stand it -- I cannot imagine how non-fans must feel.
With apologies,
YankeeFan
"Alex gives Derek one of his 'special' hugs."
"Alex and Derek were once so close they autographed each other's balls."
Thanks, Twayn, for bringing a smile to my face.
Posted by: Flip at February 21, 2007 12:30 PMLet's hope they didn't use indelible ink...
Posted by: E-6 at February 21, 2007 02:46 PMCaption to first picture:
Alex: Haha! Mo says you're not going to move over and let me play shortstop!
Oh, yay! Faggot jokes!
I used to have to go to Boston Dirt Dogs for a dose of queer bashing, but now I can find it right here--fabulous! BatGirl must be so proud.
Dear DeepLeft,
Please accept my apology for any offense I've caused. It was not my intention to offend anyone, I assure you. My thought was merely to lampoon the lavish media attention devoted to the off-field relationship of Rodriguez and Jeter. But to be fair, using homoerotic allusion and imagery to pursue that creative aim was insensitive on my part, and for that I do apologize.
Sincerely,
Twayn
Posted by: twayn at February 22, 2007 01:11 AMIn all seriousness though, the way the media covers the A-Rod/Jeter thing really does make it come across as another Bennifer or Brajulina. If not in the homoerotic way...then at least the "Why do I really give a crap?" way.
Posted by: Torhu at February 22, 2007 12:16 PMOh Twayn. Another gem. Bravo.
Great caption, LTLC.
Caption to second picture:
"Hey! That's MY Guatemalan worry doll. Stoppit! It's my talisman. It's MINE!! Give it back! Don't toy with me! GIVE IT BACK NOW OR I GO TO THE PRESS!"
Derek tragically underestimated Alex's fervent devotion to ritual and superstition. Hence, the ridiculous situation we are putting up with today. I feel for you, YF. I can't imagine listening to this day in and day out. At least I can retreat to the normalcy of the Twins.
Posted by: Carmen at February 23, 2007 10:03 AMOh, please. Twayn did _not_ ridicule homosexuals as a class. He's got nothing to apologize for.
Posted by: brianS at February 23, 2007 10:40 AMSo Tim Hardaway gets lambasting for speaking his thoughts on gays in sports, but hey, let's all laugh non-stop at A-Rod/Jeter gay jokes. Ho ho ho.
Posted by: Hypocrite at February 23, 2007 11:28 AMY'know who isn't feeling the love? The RealDeal. According to the Pioneer Press, he asked Sideburns why so many players didn't want to hang out with him. While I don't condone his cockiness or ineffectiveness, that made me feel kinda bad for him.
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at February 23, 2007 12:03 PMI'm sure if Bat-girl were here she would be clearing her throat and asking for civility. Someone was offended and they received a sincere apology. Please, end of story.
Wait a sec...
Ok, I see how it was "kinda" homoerotic....but it really didn't seem that way to me.
It seemed more to be making fun of their girly childish behaviour - saying that they are acting like two teenage girls who are BFFs or whatever (or Paris and Nicole - who also act like teenage girls.)
I didn't see it as a "gay" thing at all. The only real sexual imagery was about A-fraud and the media, not A-fraud and Derek "I'm so pretty, so very very pretty" Jeter.
Huh. I just don't see it.
Maybe I'm thick.
Posted by: Brian at February 23, 2007 02:10 PMNo, I think DeepLeft is sort of looking to be offended here. There was nothing in that post that I would consider a "gay-joke". Nothing at all. Not even the "autographing each others' balls" line. Believe me, as a straight man with gay friends, I can tell you that straight men talk about balls as much and probably more then any gay guy I've met. You might make an argument that the "special hug" photo and caption could be taken as a "gay-joke", but I think even that's a streach.
This post is making fun of how A-Rod and Jeter were portrayed as "really good friends" by the media, and then (suprise, suprise) we learn it wasn't/isn't the case. If anything, it points to them as whiney little children who let their egos and wallets go to their heads.
Twayn, please don't let overzealous, would-be PC-police types intimidate you. Your post was pure genius. This is not the site for heated political debates. This site is all about the sass. Batlings come here specifically for she sass.
The moral of the story is "If you can't read something tongue-in-cheek and laugh along, then you probably shouldn't be on this site."
The End.
Posted by: Flip at February 23, 2007 05:22 PMLook, I'm a person who does take offense at all the gay jokes that float around, and I would find many distasteful even if offered in a non-political context.
But this isn't that.
It isn't even gay -- it is a parody of the media treatment of Arod and Jeter, but demonstrating the teen mag flavor of it all. Every thing in here applies just as easily to any overheated freindship, whether between teenage girls, men, wonen, a man and a woman, whatever. No apologies needed.
Posted by: Capybara at February 23, 2007 07:52 PMI think I'm offended by Bring Back Reboulet's comment. He said "cockiness".
Posted by: brianS at February 23, 2007 08:36 PMI'm comforted by the fact that El Presidente will make both of them sit down this season numerous times. ;)
Posted by: Piranhtachew at February 23, 2007 09:16 PMI'm offended by brianS's referral to me as a "he." Granted I'm not the most feminine girl around, but I do have indoor plumbing. :-P
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at February 23, 2007 11:20 PMUmmm, wow. We're gay bashing and reading about some dude's love of the yankees on this site now...
sigh...
mea culpa, Bring Back Reboulet!
hey, it could be worse. With pitchers and catchers having reported, Hottest Twins Chicks can't be far off.
Posted by: brianS at February 24, 2007 06:03 PM"But what I'm sick of it the media (East Coast bias anyone?)"
Please offer some proof of this bias, because it's about as real as Santa.
The story is an old one. Everyone has known that when A-Rod ripped Jeter in Esquire that it hurt their friendship, and to be honest if one of my friends ripped me in the press they would no longer be my friend.
There is only one for A-Rod to get us "horrible" Yankees fans off his back and that is to win the title.
p.e.m.
Posted by: public enemy mike at February 25, 2007 05:39 PMHey, no sweat, brianS! :-D
Have you guys seen the new commericials?!!? They're on the Twins site as we speak/type. Although I'm a big Bartleby fan, I think the Pres/VP one is funnier.
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at February 25, 2007 06:54 PM*whines*
I really really really don't wanna look at jeter & arod anymore.
Posted by: jamar1700 at February 25, 2007 08:26 PMLegoVision for 2007? PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE! :D
Posted by: Pickles at February 25, 2007 11:08 PMpem
"But what I'm sick of it the media (East Coast bias anyone?)
Please offer some proof of this bias, because it's about as real as Santa."
You got me, guilty as charged. Call the cliche police :-)
No more assertions without evidence, I promise
D
The new Twins commercial at MLB with "changeup" Santana vs. "fastball" Nathan is so funny!
Rune
Posted by: Rune at February 26, 2007 06:24 AMI haven't seen that commercial yet. Last night on FOX 9 news they showed the new Twins spot with Bartlett and LNP submerged in Underwater World at MOA. They are piranhas in the aquarium. Good stuff.
FYI, there's a Twins vs Atheltics game on FSN tonight from l;ast season. Hopefully it's not from the playoffs.
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