This entry posted by Twayn, on assignment for Bat-girl.com
Photography is the art of visually capturing a moment, of manipulating light and shadow and time, of containing the ethereal within two static dimensions. Sometimes a photograph can tell a whole story all by itself. Other times it needs some help. Some context. Some sass. And that’s where you come into the picture, Batlings.
To help counter some of the restless, relentless anxiety of waiting – endlessly, endlessly, endlessly waiting for Spring Training and Opening Day – Batgirl has sort of sanctioned an unofficial photo caption contest. Why is it unofficial? Because it’s not really a contest and Batgirl is not available to conduct it. There will be no winners declared. There will be no voting for first, second or third places, or any other places for that matter. And there will be no prizes. Because the knowledge to conduct an actual online photo caption contest with winners and voting and prizes is a closely guarded secret, like nuclear missile launch codes or the formula for Driven cologne, and I don’t have the appropriate security clearance for that.
So what’s in it for you, Batlings? Well, this is a chance to shake off the winter doldrums and stretch those muscles connecting your funny bone to the rest of your body. A chance to take your brain out for a little joyride around town with the windows rolled down, maybe stop and get it a chili-dog and a cherry Coke at the drive-in and let it moon your buddies while you cruise the drag. A chance to entertain and delight fellow Batlings with your scathing wit and overdeveloped sense of jocularity. A chance, even if it is for just a moment, to forget about the cold weather and work and lawsuits (oops, maybe that’s just me) and focus on what’s really important in life – baseball, and making fun of silly stuff.
Since this is an unofficial contest with no winners or voting or prizes, then there must not be any rules, right? Well, hold on there just a minute. We aren’t ready to condone anarchy just yet, not so soon after Disco Demolition Night. So here are the unofficial rules for the unofficial Bat-girl.com 2007 Pre-Season Photo Caption Contest (that isn’t really a contest):
1. Look at the photograph and use the comments area to post your caption.
2. You may post as many captions as you like, but please be considerate of others and give everyone a chance to play, just like in T-ball.
3. No crude profanity, please. If they can’t say it on broadcast TV, you probably shouldn’t say it here. And if they did say it on broadcast TV and got in big trouble for it, ditto.
So that’s it. Look over today’s photo (we'll have more throughout the week) and caption away. And as David Letterman is prone to say in such circumstances, “Folks, this is an exhibition, not a competition. No wagering, please.”
In his off hours, the Twins' Nick Punto moonlights as Major League Baseball's assay office. Previous techniques for catching cheaters involved cutting bats open or X-raying them, but Punto can tell if the pure wood has been adulterated simply by biting down.
Posted by: timprov at February 12, 2007 08:55 PMLooks like it's just about time to give the Piranha's something else to chew on...
Posted by: CapitalBabs at February 12, 2007 09:19 PM"Tastes like...victory!"
Posted by: Karyn at February 12, 2007 10:00 PMWell, after stumbling over that pesky rule #3 for several minutes, the best I can come up with at the moment is, "This is what happens when a piranha asks Paul Bunyan for a toothpick."
Posted by: JimCrikket at February 12, 2007 10:17 PM"Laugh all you want, they're full of fiber and I can pocket 81 bucks a day in meal money."
Posted by: twayn at February 12, 2007 10:22 PMMmmm...pine-tar-stic!
Posted by: Franorama at February 12, 2007 11:25 PM"Hey guys! I discovered a new way to bunt!"
Posted by: Brian at February 12, 2007 11:32 PMUnrelated to the current thread: To whoever drew up the Bat-girl logo - Shouldn't we see Dash in there by now? Maybe riding one of the Bat-kitties with a cowboy hat?
Posted by: ludekes at February 12, 2007 11:55 PMNo, no, no! I said SMELL 'EM - not EAT 'EM!
Posted by: Moe at February 13, 2007 12:12 AMOuch Nicky, no teeth, no teeth!
~or~
Well, I guess we can tell Punto is a biter.
~or~
Hey, it's a Punto biter.
~or~
Ever looking to tweak his game to stay ahead of the curve, Punto spent the offseason working hard on his jaw strength so he could try a creative new stance...
Posted by: AdamOnFirst at February 13, 2007 12:50 AMChoke on this, Ozzie!
Posted by: dlarso01 at February 13, 2007 07:12 AMMan, the post-game buffet sucks!
Adam...f***ing hillarious!
Posted by: TwinsCubsSeries at February 13, 2007 07:35 AMFour out of five dentists recommend Louisville Slugger for their patients who chew bats.
Posted by: Franorama at February 13, 2007 08:27 AMSURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Along with smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, chewing on baseball bats may stunt your growth.
Posted by: bc twins fan at February 13, 2007 08:50 AM"Hmmm, these little giveaway bats sure do taste good ... only they don't seem so little to me!"
Posted by: T.C. Rafters at February 13, 2007 09:06 AMAfter months of careful refinement, the Twins institute their new "ass-bat" testing system.
(Pitchers and catchers report!!!! YAY!!!)
YankeeFan
....That's why I eat Louisville Slugger energy bars: Packed with fiber and all the energy a Tiny Superhero needs!
Posted by: TX Ken at February 13, 2007 09:32 AMIn one of his previously lives, Nicky obviously spent some time as a beaver.
:D
Posted by: Lynnie at February 13, 2007 09:42 AMLittle Nicky Punto makes his own bats by gnawing on toothpicks.
Posted by: sacky at February 13, 2007 09:46 AM"Hey Coom Dawg! Watch this, I can bite the bat in half the long way, put that on FSN!"
"Oh yeah Nick, at least I've made the All-Star Game!"
"Yeah right Ron! You weren't even any good!"
"Yeah, your right! What the......"
Posted by: DrinkingTwins Baseball at February 13, 2007 10:05 AM"Ever eat a pine tree? Many parts are edible."
Posted by: jamar1700 at February 13, 2007 10:44 AMHow much pine would a pirahna gnaw, if a pirahna could gnaw pine?
Posted by: Big Nick at February 13, 2007 11:26 AM"Annoyed with always getting eaten at the end of most stories, LNP takes out his eating aggression on a bat." :)
Posted by: Hannah! at February 13, 2007 12:31 PMBattling your tail off: $4.2 million over 2 years. Brushing and flossing daily: priceless.
Posted by: brianS at February 13, 2007 12:31 PM"How much ash would a piranha gnash, if a piranha could gnash ash?"
"Piranha-gnashed ash ass-bat."
Posted by: BlueCanoe at February 13, 2007 12:35 PM*Sings to the tune of the Flinstones Vitamins jingle* Louisville Sluggers: 10 million strong . . . and growing.
BTW, this was probably mentioned ages ago, but have you folks seen Little Nicky's 11 Questions segment on Kare 11? It's pretty amusing.
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at February 13, 2007 01:11 PM"If you think this bat looks funny in my mouth, guess what I'm doing with my OTHER hand..."
Posted by: DrStrange at February 13, 2007 02:20 PMLittle Nicky Punto debuts his new bunting technique.
Posted by: BudManstrong at February 13, 2007 02:23 PMcourtesy of my friend Sarah: "mmm.. tastes like chicken!" and "wood: the other white meat"
Posted by: Lynnie at February 13, 2007 03:03 PMAlou uses urine to get a better grip...
This is my way.
Or
Punto does whatever it takes to dispose of ass-bats.
Posted by: likeTwinsluvCubs at February 13, 2007 04:10 PMTiny Superhero wins a bet against Doctor on who can win an "Impersonate a NHL team logo" contest.
Posted by: Piranhtachew at February 13, 2007 04:44 PM"Hurry up and amputate it already!!"
"This whitening swatch came with my new toothpaste.. how do they look?"
"You're right Joe, they do better when they're free."
Posted by: ramon marcos at February 13, 2007 06:51 PMSorry... typo
"You're right Joe, they do TASTE better when they're free."
Damn, it wasn't even funny the second time.
Posted by: ramon marcos at February 13, 2007 06:53 PMHey JC-
This IS LNP we're talking about...I think the "toothpick" is actual size...
Love the "...gnashing ass-bats" entry.
Posted by: BAT bandwagoner at February 13, 2007 07:24 PM"He's got a pretty dainty mouth." Not funny, but seeing the picture reminded me of what my dentist says every time he tries to put more than one of those terrifying utensils in my mouth. "Not going to happen, she's got a pretty dainty mouth."
Posted by: Erin at February 13, 2007 07:46 PMTo Ozzie Guillen: "I'm not a pirahna I'm a beaver dag nabit!"
Posted by: R. Case at February 14, 2007 01:14 PM"Look ma no hands"
Posted by: Twin-X at February 14, 2007 02:52 PMHa ha. This is a great picture.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at February 14, 2007 04:48 PMLegoVision for 2007? PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE! :D
Posted by: Pickles at February 14, 2007 06:37 PMi told nicky eating bats would stunt his growth {like coffee} but does he listen? NO...
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