Kansas City at Twins. Royals 2, Twins Zip.
This entry featured BAD BatCoding that lost half of the content. It's ALL FIXED NOW
When Johan Santana woke up this morning, he felt strange. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something seemed to be missing. It was something like when Corey Koskie stole his mojo, yet there was more to it than that. He sat up straight in bed, looked around, and he told himself, This is not my beautiful house! And then he looked in the bed next to him and told himself, This is not my beautiful wife!
He jumped out of bed and took quick stock of himself. He still felt like an All-Star, but suddenly not in a good way. He darted into the bathroom, and a quick look in the mirror showed what was wrong.
He had turned into Mark Redman.
Something terrible had happened. But Johan did not panic; he did not want to let on that anything had happened. So, naturally, there were some crazy shenanigans that morning, including "Mark" reaching for the Frosted Flakes when he hates Frosted Flakes, and totally missing the Redman family's customary post-breakfast ass-grab. But, nonetheless, Johan escaped without raising too much suspicion, and it was time to head to the ballpark.
When he got there, the first thing he did was run into the Twins locker room.
"Hey, Red Man!" said Brad Radke. "What's shaking?"
"Um, hey, Brad. Um, have you seen Johan?"
"Sure! He's in the bathroom. It's weird he's just been staring at himself in the mirror all day long with this crazy smile on his face…"
And then Johan knew beyond a shadow of the doubt what had happened. He tore into the clubhouse bathroom and slammed the bathroom door behind him. And there, standing in front of him, was himself.
"What did you do, you cabron?" spat the real Johan.
The fake Johan threw up his hands.
"I didn't do it! I just woke up like this!" Redman-as-Johan paused, and then added, "It was awesome."
"I don't believe you."
"Come on, Johan, we're the Royals! We can't do anything."
"Good point," said Johan, sighing. "Well, what do we do about it? How do we switch back?"
"Do we have to?"
"Yes!"
"I don't know," said Redman. "I think we have to learn something about each other…and about ourselves."
"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"That may be, Johan, but one thing is true."
"What?"
"You have to go pitch."
Yes, it's true. Johan Santana had to go out and pitch against his team. And what was he supposed to do? The logical thing would be to go out and trucking buck, but as has well been established, Johan Santana does not know how to trucking buck, and the rest is Kansas City Royals history. By the time the dust had settled, Johan had his first complete game shutout of the season—unfortunately it was against his own team.
After the game, Johan and Redman met up behind the Dome. Redman could barely contain his excitement. "Do you know what you did to my ERA?" he exclaimed. "That was amazing! I've never seen anything like that!"
"Did you learn something about yourself?" asked Johan, dejectedly.
"Yes!" said Redmond. "That I'm awesome.….What about you?"
Johan sighed. "Same thing," he said sorrowfully. "Same thing."
Wait, so who pitches for the Twins on Thursday?
This body-switching plotline has me all in a kerfuffle.
Posted by: frightwig at August 29, 2006 10:47 PMWell that explains a lot, thanks BG.
And frightwig, Im sorta kinda halfway in the back of my mind hoping the answer to that question is "David Wells"... but it may take some other kind of supernatural event to accomplish that.
Posted by: JimCrikket at August 29, 2006 10:51 PMThe only good thing to come out of this game was a Talking Heads reference.
Posted by: Andrew at August 29, 2006 10:53 PMWell I guess that does explain it -
I feel horrible for Matt Garza - the kid pitched his butt off - and we couldn't weasel out 3 runs for him.
Now the Twins will have to go and do something silly like win 10 in a row =)
LOL - I just saw that the Devil Rays almost came back to beat the Sox - who were up by 5 runs when I left the Dome.
Oh well - new day tomorrow.
Much Love
Wonder Woman
So that's what happened. I thought maybe they left their bats at the hotel back in Chicago. It's too bad they wasted that fine outing from Garza.
Posted by: E-6 at August 29, 2006 11:38 PMDear Piranhtas,
Landed Gentry are just as tasty as Bitch Sox. Try some ASAP.
Signed,
Packer "I should change it to Piranhta" Chu.
Posted by: Packerchu at August 29, 2006 11:42 PMsomeone should have told Johan-as-Redman to "Remain in Light" and stay far away from the mound.
THAT trucking bucked
I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while...
Our turn now thank you
Posted by: TAR at August 30, 2006 12:20 AMWas it as painful to watch as it was to listen to?
So wait, is Johan pitching Thursday? Are they keeping him on the same rotation? Bradke is usually before Johan these days... I haven't been reading the paper lately... packing/shopping/working has kept me too busy.
The period of time that Redman and El Presidente were teammates now freaks me out a little.
Tangent: David Wells cleared waivers in August when he was Sucking Out Loud, and now that he's attracting AssBats he's pretty much up for grabs for a prospect. I wouldn't mind seeing Tubba in a Twins uniform - a World Series veteran lefty in this rotation for the stretch might be worth the price with Bradke low on fish glue.
Dear Twins and fellow Batlings,
I apologize for my part in the loss last night. I inadvertantly forgot to listen to my daily dose of Gasolina yesterday. This was an especially grave omission as unbeknownst to all - Johan was apparently on the mound last night.
Since downloading Gasolina a week ago -
Twins record in games I was unable to watch live, but had played Gasolina 4-0.
Record if I watched the game live or didn't play Gasolina 0-2.
The conclusions and penance are obvious - no live Twins for me and double Gasolina until this streak is broken.
Keep biting you piranhas!
Sincerely,
Moe
Too bad this game wasn't played on a Friday.
Posted by: The Commish at August 30, 2006 02:28 AMMoe, it's my fault, too. I forgot my hat at home yesterday. AND I filled in Mark Redman's name on my scoresheet before I filled in all the Twins. *sigh* today, however, I have my hat, and I shall fill out my scoresheet properly! hehehe
Posted by: kafumbly at August 30, 2006 06:42 AMWells would be fun. It'd be great to have someone in worse shape than me.
In all seriousness, part of the reason that Wells may be available is the health of Big Papi. C'mon Papi, we're pulling for you.
E-9
Posted by: e-9 at August 30, 2006 07:37 AMNo no. It's my fault. I haven't quite figured out just what I did or didn't do but I'm sure it was something.
*sigh* if I could just get a handle on this thing, none of my teams would ever lose.
;-)
Posted by: jamar1700 at August 30, 2006 07:37 AM*Garza nick name*
As I was watching the game last night, I was seeing Garza's pitches wiz by the Royals bats. I thought of a great nick name for Garza: "G-Wiz"
What do you think?
Thanks for the Talking Heads throwback BG! Made my day!
Batlings, I have a situation I need advice on. My Sister and Brother have been living in Jersey for many years, but are planning on moving back to MN. They were in town yesterday for job interviews and looking for housing. Since there is not soccer in town, I brought them to see the Twins. My Brother (in law) is a Mets fan. My sister grew up here and says she has remained loyal to the Twins, but cheers for the Mets. So i bring them to the game and the Twins get shut out, Santana has an out of body experience, and Assbats seem to have been in the Twins dugout. My qustion is, should I ever allow them inside the Metrodome again when the Twins are playing? I love my siblings, but don;t want them to bring down the Twins!
Posted by: soccerfan at August 30, 2006 09:01 AMThis trucking bucks! (Before BG worked blue...)
Actually that phrase and the Twins baby pics prompted this recollection of my sister's youngest son. As a two year old, "Charlie's" favorite toy was a little yellow dumptruck. He'd hold it aloft, and with his beatific smile, tell any and all he encountered--grandparents, neighbors, uncles, strangers at the store--what it was they were seeing. He'd shout it, actually. Trouble is, the young man's enunciation skills weren't fully developed--"the "tr" sound was instead an "f". Oh, my! Full on sailor talk from a twenty pound cherub. I made my brother-in-law videotape it for posterity. To this day, "Dumptruck" is the accepted curse/insult alternative in E-6's family.
Go Boof! Sit those dumptrucks, down!
Posted by: E-6 at August 30, 2006 09:06 AMI'm glad BG is here to explain the inexplicable for me. It all makes sense now. Thank you BG.
That said, all I can say is...sigh. SIIIIIGGHH.
It is frustrating when our team rises to the occasion so beautifully when called upon, and then when there is no occasion, there is no rising. I know this game was an anomoly, though, and look forward to meteing out retribution tonight.
Shelley,
No. IT WAS WORSE!
TwinsPrincess
I'm so glad that there was an actual REASON that we got shut out and it wasn't just because we apparently CAN'T HIT when there's no pressure.
You know it wasn't horrible - there were some killer defensive plays - DJ Cuddles catching the fly ball - then gunning it to Nick to nail Emil Brown -I think - trying to take third - tho on the replay it wasssss REALLLLLLLLLYYYY close!
Little Nicky Punto's diving stops at third -and the one play - where he nearly came out of his super hero shoes to get the guy leaning waaay over at first- now that was hot!
The Good Doctor's nab at first -
Boof will set the roof on fire tonight - I just know it!
Much Love
Wonder Woman
So, if Boof sets the roof on fire and the offense gets back on track, it will be ...
Same as it ever was ... same as it ever was ... same as it ever was ...
Posted by: Play Ball! at August 30, 2006 11:05 AMFor me, the highlight of last night's game was the two guys drumming on buckets by the train station outside the Dome. They were AWESOME.
Oh, and the guy that ran across the field for like 5 minutes -- and security's intitial obliviousness to the whole thing -- was pretty amusing, too.
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at August 30, 2006 11:41 AMIf you go to the game tonight and throw the balls into the back of the Dodge...
you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Posted by: bc twins fan at August 30, 2006 12:28 PMSalt-Man,
I've seen those guys and they are incredible. If they're the same ones I'm thinking of, they also tap--and they're as good tapping as they are drumming. They had a show at the Southern Theater not long ago and it brought the house down.
Posted by: Carmen at August 30, 2006 02:43 PMOn further consideration, WonderWoman has a point. The game was ALL that bad. LNP was DOMINATING third base with all his Tiny Superhero might, and DJ Cuddles was kickin' with his killer throw to third.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at August 30, 2006 05:06 PMAnd it doesn't sound all that great right now, either. :/
::Considers pouring barbeque sauce on the Gentry.::
Posted by: Piranhtachew at August 30, 2006 09:33 PMDJ Cuddles spins it again! 3 - 4 for the Twins in the ninth.
Posted by: Piranhtachew at August 30, 2006 09:35 PM