Toronto at Twins. Blue Jays 10, Twins 3.
Really, the Twins have nobody to blame but themselves. All homestand they've been preparing for the return of Cordel Koskos and his prankster ways—from the Cuddiary to the Strib players and media have been wondering—what will Cordel Koskos pull this time?
Had Koskos not been coming to town, the Twins players certainly would have spent yesterday's off day far away from the Dome, recovering from the big party at Hotel Joe, fishing, golfing, getting their hair done, going to the regular off-day embroidery circle at Juan Castro's. But no, there could be no leisure for our boys on this particular day, for there was danger approaching. At 6 am Monday morning Torii Hunter, Jacque Jones, and Terry Mulholland went straight from Hotel Joe to the Dome, still wearing their togas and covered in sticky carbonated green tea, to begin Operation Steel Cage—securing the clubhouse.
Mulholland, who works as a security guard at a bank during the off-season, was really the man responsible for the layout and design of the security systems, while Hunter and Jones were more in charge of engineering and, of course, finance. After a great deal of discussion and planning, they agreed on a design, made a quick run to Home Depot to get their materials, and then called the rest of the boys in to begin building. By 8 am Tuesday morning the Twins had installed a space-age security system complete with a thermal detector, vibration sensors, pressure sensitive floor plating and, of course, lasers. You have to have lasers.
But they weren't done yet, for Koskos is renowned to be a wily creature trained in ninja techniques (Canada Style), plus he watches Alias a lot, so no security system could be considered foolproof. The next step, then, was to remove all items of even the most moderate value from their lockers, from Brad Radke's Aveda products to Big LeCroy's American Idol record collection to Littly Nicky Punto's best pair of lifts. Leaving Ron Coomer and Roy Smalley to stand watch at the front door, everybody went home and changed out of their togas into their worst clothes—old sweatshirts and sweatpants and underwear specially designed to hold up to being filled with peanut butter.
Were they perhaps overcautious? For when The Great Koskos arrived—using a series of pullies and cords to dive in through the clubhouse ceiling and wearing a special suit that masked his body temperature, not to mention a laser deflector—he found very little left in the clubhouse to abuse. Everyone's locker was empty. Even Matt LeCroy's old tin crawdad bucket was gone.
But what—what's that there? In Johan Santana's locker, protected by some sort of laser grid? A drink of some sort, a potion maybe, perhaps one of those weird Terry Mulholland health drinks?
With no other mischief left to make, Koskos quickly disabled the security protocols in Santana's locker and reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out a can of V-8 juice. He opened the can and poured out just enough fluid to make sure the weight was exact, and quickly switched the can for the mysterious bottle.
Satisfied that some mischief had been managed, Koskos signaled to Vernon Wells, who had been operating the pulleys from above, and was lifted out of the clubhouse.
A few minutes before he was to warm-up, Johan Santana could be seen running into the bullpen where he grabbed Rick Anderson's elbow.
"What is it, Jo? What's wrong?"
Johan Santana looked right and left and then whispered, "Somebody took my mojo."
"What?"
"My mojo. It's gone. There's a can of V-8 in its place!"
Anderson gasped. "That's awful," he exclaimed. "Who would do such a thing?"
"No one on the team," said Santana. "No matter how much they need mojo, they would never take mine."
"But they could sure use some mojo," Andy said.
"True 'dat," sighed Santana.
"Well, we have to find it. Where did you leave it?"
"My locker."
"Your locker?" said Anderson. "But what about Koskos!"
"Joe Nathan installed a security system," protested Johan. "Old Man Mulholland said it was state of the art!"
"No!" cried Anderson. "No security system, no matter how good, can keep out the mighty Koskos! He watches Alias! Weren't you here earlier? Everybody cleaned out their lockers!"
"No!" said Johan, "I was at the nursing home, reading my original poetry to the residents!"
"Oh no!" said Andy. "What are we going to do?"
Johan shook his head frantically. "I don't know. We have to get it back!"
"We can't," said Andy. "There's no time—the game's about to start! We'll never find it in time! Oh, woe is me!"
Johan Santana took a deep breath, straightened, and clapped his hand on his pitching coach's shoulder. "Well," he said determinedly, "I'll just have to pitch without my mojo."
Brave words from a man about to meet his doom, but what else could he do? He said a quick prayer, went in with jaw set and eyes burning with determination, and prepared to meet his fate.
Meanwhile, Rick Anderson quietly spread the word through the Twins dugout, so pretty soon everyone knew what had happened and they were just waiting for the game to end so they could search through Koskos' every orifice for what had been taken. Such focus did not lead to a great game for our boys, but what do you expect, for a great crime had been committed. No one makes Johan Santana give up seven runs in a game—no one.
But do not blame Cordel Koskos. Yes, he had been on the team last year and had known all about Johan Santana's special powers; yes, he had seen the strange bottle many a time, but he did not understand, for of course they have no mojo in Canada. He knew not what he did.
so that's what happened to Johan. I thought it was the Curse of Lyle, striking a day early, but I guess I was mistaken. *sigh*
but let me just say... ... ... argh, I have nothing to say.
that's not true. on my way home from the game, I remembered that I left the TV on for Tumbleweed, so she could watch the game (she elected to stay home tonight).
and then HORROR!
I realized that my poor cat had been forced to watch that... that... whatever the HELL that was ALL ALONE!!! I should be locked up forever for torturing my poor cat.
not only was her boyfriend, Little Nicky Punto, not in the lineup, but there was Johan... and Shaggy... and some really stupid plays and calls... and... and... and... *sob*
I just hope that Tumbleweed will find it in her heart to forgive me.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 17, 2005 11:08 PMI know how we failed - Coomer was involved - can't trust that man - pure evil...
Somebody must tell the team that they must find a way to lose the Curse of Coomer and stop inviting him to be involved.......
I shudder at hearing (reading) his name
That explains everything brilliantly. What else is there to say?
But no mojo in Canada, eh? Dem may be fightin' words. Is it because there's no Stanley Cup this year, or what are you saying, Beege?
Posted by: frightwig at May 17, 2005 11:21 PMAhh The horror!!! Poor Johan and his MOJO! I went to the game. It was crusing along nicely. I was pre-selected to play the NWA world perks challenge game. HOW COOL? I love that game, as I'm a minor Geography Buff. Then the game began and home runs were hit, and Johan didn't seem to be on tonight. It got to the world perks challenge. I heard Ottawa, I think, I guess. Unfortunately I like Santana was a bit off of my game tonight as I thought Ottawa was 837 in reality it was 857. I won tickets to a nother game GREAT!!!!!! But the horror to think if I would have guessed 850 I could have gone to an away game with the Twins! Ohh and then the horror of the rest of the game continued. This day was just not meant to be!
Posted by: jill at May 17, 2005 11:24 PMJill-
I saw you on the big screen at the game. You looked quite surprised to have actually won the game. Good job on guessing though!
The game was quite disappointing...I was hoping for a big WIN from Santana. Hopefully, (with fingers crossed) Kyle can pull out a win tomorrow!
Posted by: hen at May 17, 2005 11:35 PMhey, jill, tonight might have been the first time I paid attention to the NWA thinger... you looked so happy to win those tickets! way to go!
and continuing on the happy thoughts... I've been spending so much time in 214 that some of the season ticket holders who hang out there have started to remember me, and they've started giving me their tickets to games they can't attend. I'm goin' on Friday for free! yay!
and I'm going to try to remember the good things about tonight... like Torii's and Justin's home runs; Jesse Crain's awesome pitching performance yet again (that boy never gets any love, yet he still hasn't allowed a run in 13 innings); JJ's awesome foul catch over the right field wall; and Stewie getting a hit when I told him that Sooz was driving by, even though she probably wasn't.
I'm just going to remember the good things.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 17, 2005 11:43 PMPersonally, I think someone beat up Kordel after he left the locker room and took the Mojo. Sort of a double indemnity kind of thing going of. MacGuffin style.
That's why Koskie had to DH.
And do you know who I suspect took Johan's mojo? It wasn't Dr. Evil, it was...
JON GARLAND!
[ed. by Jeb: Silly, MikeQ...no one can possibly beat up Corey.]
That's right. He was waiting for Koskie to let down his guard and then, Bam!
But never fear, Twins fans. This is a situation that cannot possibly continue, regardless of the Mojo differential.
Hmm. I think I've just invented a new statistic: the Mojo Differntial. Then you can have adjusted Mojo Differential, Mojo differential prevented, complex Mojo Differential, Mojo zone rating, Mojo Differential Home, Mojo Differntial daytime, Mojo diffential on the first pitch...
Excuse me while I saunter over to the Patent office.
I'm sure Johan will get his Mojo back. Heck, he could break into Garland's locker and steal by hisself--he wouldn't even need backup. Who would stop him? Not Magglio, someone already stole his Mojo and replaced it with a hernia, not V-8. Big Frank's in triple AAA. Not Carlos. Hell, Johan's probably the toughest guy in that clubhouse. Really, who would stop him? Jermaine Dye? Might be just the thing to turn the division around. 'Cause unless things go back to being the way they should be, we may really be in a Bizarro Universe.
Posted by: MikeQ at May 18, 2005 12:15 AMCoomDog does not represent state-of-the-art anything.
Although it is somewhat amusing to thing that he and LNP wore the same jersey number - I wonder what the difference in pinstripe count was there.
I know Cordel Koskos was once a Twin, and it was all in good fun, but I say we break his thumbs anyway.
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 18, 2005 06:39 AMWee Sister and I went to the game last night. (We were in section 213.) We were wondering what the problem with Johan was, but the Koskos situation explains it nicely.
And while Luis surprised us and actually got hits, his fielding left us questions and we really missed our LNP.
Posted by: Just Beth at May 18, 2005 08:04 AMWay to go Jill, winner of the NWA world perks challenge!
Posted by: Jeb at May 18, 2005 08:08 AMKoskie, you know not what you do. It's ok, I still love you because you're a Canadian and the PiPress says you hugged my Canadian boyfriend. That's cute, it really is.
I don't know if the Toronto uniforms were addressed in the game thread or not, but my sister and I had this conversation during Corey's first at-bat:
Sister: Corey just looks wrong in a Toronto uniform.
Me: Everyone looks wrong in a Toronto uniform because they're so ugly!
Sister: Good point.
Toronto uniforms looked like iron-on decals. do they need a few bucks for real lettering and numbers? I can't help them out personally, but maybe I can help with a "clothe the Blue Jays" fundraiser...
and Carrie, I agree about Koskie's thumbs. he may not have known what was IN that mysterious bottle, but he HAD to have known that Johan needs it. and that kind of practical joke is just not funny. bad Corey! and then he went and completely avoided first base, which probably broke poor Justin's little heart... although they both probably woulda broke down and started crying, and we just can't have any of that.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 18, 2005 08:59 AMKafumbly-
Not only did Corey avoid first, but he wasn't playing third so he couldn't say hi to Justin as he was running the bases after launching the ball into orbit. I'm sure Corey was very proud of his little Canadian buddy though...
I could just see it now, the meeting at 1st base.
Dr. Morneau: Man, I miss you eh?
Koskos: I miss you too, eh.
Dr. Morneau: How about that Canadian Hockey team, got the snot beat out of 'em eh?
Koskos: Yeah, eh.
(sobbing insues)
Gardy comes rushing out
Gardy: Are you two crying?
Dr. Morneau & Koskos nod
Gardy: There's no crying in baseball!!
Dear Batgirl,
Interesting coverage. As usual, you saw the angles that so many of the other sports writers missed. I must address your point, though, that nobody scores seven runs off of Santana. If my research is correct, the White Sox did so last year. In case anyone is unfamiliar with that magnificent team, get out the standings and look at the team on top of the American League Central by five and a half games. Go Sox!
Posted by: Sox Fan at May 18, 2005 10:15 AMA few observations from, well, a few different areas.
1. Is tipping of the cap now a bad thing? I was a bit disappointed when AJ came to town and after more cheering than booing for him, I thought it would be a respectable thing for him to do. Although it was AJ and well, one never knows what he'll do. Koskos on the other hand is a class act and I thought for sure, when he came up to a rousing cheer he'd tip the cap, but to my dismay, he did not. Am I wrong in thinking that a small gesture to fans who have loved you through thick and thin is too much?
2. Johan, Johan, Johan. We will have these games, as much as we'd like to think you are a true supernatural unstoppable machine, deep down we know you're not. While it saddens me to see a Kylesque outing from you, I'd rather see it now, rather than down the stretch when we need you at your most supernatural.
3. Luis Rivas, my dearest Luis, I know you really want to prove you can get outs and are better than Little Nicky Punto, just make sure you get those outs when you're playing DEFENSE. Thanks buddy!
4. Why on earth do we still have Shaggy Guerrier on our roster? And why the H-E-double hockey sticks does he get to pitch more than Jesse Crain? I suppose one could say that about Terrance John too, however my rationale for keeping Terrance John is no matter how bad it gets, the old man will go out and pitch his ass off, he doesn't get too rattled and keeps trudging through no matter how many dingers he gives up. What's the deal with Baker, I thought he was a reliver in AAA? Are they trying to groom him into a starter? The kid is doing really well down there. Can we not swap him for Shaggy? Does he have an issue with the Barbie backpack and that's what is holding him back?
5. The Doctor cut off his curls, it was almost enough to make me weep, but then again with the gray gloomy weather, a Johan loss, etc. it wouldn't take much.
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 18, 2005 11:08 AMI was also disappointed that Koskos didn't tip his cap to the fans, but perhaps he felt he had done that already by taking out the full page ads when he left? Either way, I still believe Koskos is a class act, even if he unknowingly swiped Johan's mojo. Just make sure you return it before you leave town Corey, or there will be consequences...
Posted by: ndtf at May 18, 2005 11:13 AMso I'm thinking I want to do something nice for these people who gave me the ticket to Friday's game; it sounds like they're going to offer me tickets to other games, too, and they won't let me pay them for the tickets.
if I had talent, I could make them a Twins something or other, but my only talent is inserting my cat in pictures with Twins players.
would it be strange to make cookies or something and bring those? I'm thinking of the whole taking food from strangers thing, from their perspective. any suggestions? please keep in mind that I'm broke.
and as to the whole bullpen issue... yes, I was quite surprised that Jesse Crain didn't come out for the 7th. the boy threw only 5 pitches! certainly, he has more in him than that, and he would have kept the Jays from doing further damage, unlike dear Shaggy. I'm sure he's a wonderful person, but...
Posted by: kafumbly at May 18, 2005 11:24 AMRight now, the only thing the Twins make me is despondent.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 18, 2005 11:25 AMMaybe a gift certificate to a nice restaurant would be appropriate...
Posted by: ndtf at May 18, 2005 11:26 AMIs there any speculation that Santana is hurt?
Did the Sports Illustrated story ever run and jinx him?
Does the Supernatural have a cat name Jinx or Jinxy?
Posted by: funoka at May 18, 2005 11:30 AMHooliganKat, LOL! I can so see that convo happening!!!!!!!
Posted by: Stacy at May 18, 2005 11:33 AMDear Ms. Fumbley,
Cookies. Absolutely cookies. And bring some to Batgirl.
Love,
BG
Batgirl,
I always sit above the Grip 'n' Go, which is, as I understand it, your home in the Dome. so I could just drop a few cookies down to you.
thank you for these wonderfully entertaining recaps and ... well, not the Hottest Chick thing... but thanks for everything else! ;)
kafumbly
Posted by: kafumbly at May 18, 2005 12:08 PMCookies would be a lovely gesture, kafumbly. Just be sure to put a pinch or two of catnip in a couple of them and give them to Tumbleweed. She will forgive you for not staying home to watch the games with her.
Posted by: QJW at May 18, 2005 12:08 PMAll the Star Wars fans here will appreciate Page 2 today. I'm not a Star Wars fan, and I even thought it was funny. Click my name for the link.
***Warning to YankeeFan, Mike, and any other Yankee backer who reads this: I thought it was hilarious, you might not find it quite as amusing.
heh... thanks, ndtf, that was completely silly. I love it.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 18, 2005 01:32 PMKafumbly-
Jim Caple wrote a Star Wars bit too. I didn't understand parts of it, but like I said before, I'm not real big on Star Wars. Click my name for the link.
Further down in the article, they list 3 hot closers... Guess who is #1? The Nathanest!
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBpa2lpNnFzBF9TAzk1ODYxNzc3BHNlYwN0bQ--?slug=lastthreeoutsarethetough&prov=tsn&type=lgns
Does anyone have any idea why Saturday night's game is not on TV? This makes me angry. You would not like me when I'm angry...
Posted by: ndtf at May 18, 2005 03:09 PMoh, I swear! the Texas Rangers are completely worthless!
Sox are up 7-0 in the bottom of the 8th!
I spit on the Rangers and their useless ass bats!
Posted by: kafumbly at May 18, 2005 03:20 PMStupid Texas Rangers... Don't they know they're supposed to win now?
Posted by: ndtf at May 18, 2005 03:27 PM[ed. by Jeb: You're miss-hearing...it's Bitch Sox. ; ) ]
Rangers lose in a shutout, affirming for the zillionth time why their opponents are called the Pitch Sox.
Today’s New York Times runs a front page, above-the-fold article on steroid use specifically by pitchers in baseball. At least in the NYC edition, the story jumps from there to page three of the sports section, where the editors run the one and only photo of the piece. That photo is of Juan “Antman” Rincon, who has apparently become the poster boy for this kind of cheating, at least for the time being. I suspect he will be replaced when a bigger fish is landed, assuming MLB has any interest in netting one. They gotta be out there.
NYT Article: “Steroid-Assisted Fastballs? Pitchers Face New Spotlight”
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/18/sports/baseball/18steroids.html?pagewanted=all
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=olney_buster&id=2062695
This is not what I want to see in tonight's game. Hopefully Lyle will decide to take a night off and let Kyle pitch one...
Posted by: ndtf at May 18, 2005 04:04 PMI am hoping that Santana is simply feeling under-appreciated, so he decided to pitch like a mortal for a few games just to remind us all about how great it to have a guy that can win 17 games in a row.
Sometimes a guy and his wife or girlfriend can get along great for a few months. Then out of nowhere, the woman(maybe guys do this too, i'm not sure) picks a silly fight for no reason, just to shake things up a little.
I am hoping that Johan is just a little bored with this relationship, so he decided to yell at us about where we store the milk in the fridge. Hopefully, once this blows over, we can go back to kisses and hugs and historic winning streaks.
maybe he gets his Super Powers during the All Star break. maybe he vacations in the Pegasus Galaxy and its denizens bless him with Super Pitching.
so we just have to be patient, because he'll just be normal until then.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 18, 2005 04:55 PMWell If I get any extra mojo I will make sure next time to share with Johan but you see I was at the game and untill he started pitching last night I did not know that his mojo was missing and even though I had a bit of mojo left i couldn't share because well... I do not know him personally and I would be quickly removed from the game if I tryed so I used my mojo to keep hoping that my mom and dads circle me bert sign would win lotto tickets and poof it worked yea!! i got to scratch of 33 tickets last night even though we were doing a 3 way split on the tickets cause I helped make signs and I was with them at the game of course I had different seats I dont like sitting at the top of home porch I was in row 4 section 100 seat 12 so pretty good view anyways we won $71 off the tickets and after game I got my ball signed by juan castro, jerry white, The nathanest of joes and michael cuddyer who is such a sweety we talked about the espn mlb 2k5 and I gave him a thanks for getting me the first home run in the game since I just bought it and I told him since I was just learning the game our first one we played we were murdered 84 - 1 against boston and he said he thinks before we got to that point he would have shut it off I reminded him though I was just learning and now since I have learned it a lot better now we have won some games and he smiled and said thats great and he wished us all luck on the lotto tickets so for me my B.O.D for that game would be Micheal Cuddyer (Shhh dont tell my real BF that though)
Posted by: Christina at May 18, 2005 07:02 PMOops I see I should really check my spelling before I post next time lol oh well its game time so I will have to hope you will forgive me for today.
Posted by: Christina at May 18, 2005 07:05 PM