LA at Twins. Twins 6, Dodgers 3.
On the Metrodome Plaza before the game, best friends Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau sat on a bench eating grilled corn and talking intently.
"Joe, man," said Morneau to his friend. "You have an attitude problem."
"Huh?"
"I mean, you don't have enough of an attitude. You're third in All-Star voting but you’d be first if you just acted the part a bit. You can’t just get national headlines by being good, you know. You've got to be a showman."
"Oh, well, if I make the All-Star team, it be will a real honor, but I can't really control that, I mean—"
"Oh, cut the crap, Joe. You are so hot right now."
"No, man, I'm just seeing the ball really well. It's a pleasure to help the team."
"Don't give me that Minnesotan crap, Joe. Say it. 'I'm hot.'"
Mauer sighed. "Justin, I'm not going to—"
"And it's not just hot, like, baseball hot. You're hot hot, dude. Come on, it's not enough to wear those sideburns, you've got to own them!"
At that point, Juan Rincon and Carlos Silva walked by. "Hey guys!" called Mauer with a wave. But the two were so deep in conversation they didn't notice him.
"Man, I sure am tired from staying up all night making those fireman outfits!" Silva said, his voice carrying down the plaza.
"That's right," replied Rincon. "I haven't seen such balls to the wall sewing* since the night before Little Nicky Punto's Sondheim revue."
And with that, the pitchers disappeared from view. Mauer turned to his friend, puzzled. "What was that about?"
"Dunno," shrugged Morneau. "Anyway, Joe, the point is you're one hot dude. I mean, here—" he pulled a compact out from his man-bag and opened it. "Look at yourself."
Frowning, Mauer studied his image. And then slowly, something came over him. He drew himself up and smiled at his friend.
"You know what?" he exclaimed. "I am hot!"
"That's right, Joe."
"I'm batting .932. I'm dating a former Miss USA. I'm the exclusive local spokesperson for the excellent Grip N' Go brand from Land o' Lakes."
"Damn straight."
"It's hip because it’s portable!"
"Sing it, Joe."
"I am hot!"
"That's right. There's nothing hotter than you! Name one thing hotter than you!…Hey, what’s that siren?"
From off in the distance, a siren came wailing. As the ballplayers listened the sound came closer and closer. And then from around the corner appeared a big yellow fire truck.
"What the—"
The truck pulled up in front of the two friends, and Johan Santana climbed out.
"Buenos dias, my friends," said Santana. "This is for my home village. They cannot afford a fire truck. I decided to get them a fire truck because I am Johan Santana. Now I am going to take this fire truck to the parking lot and give it a good washing. I hope that I do not get too soapy and wet."
And with that, Johan climbed back into the truck and drove off.
Mauer and Morneau sat silently for awhile as the bright yellow truck and shirtless Cy Young award winner disappeared down 6th street. With tight lips, Mauer folded up the compact mirror and put it back in the man purse. Then, Morneau sighed. "Okay," he said. "Well…that was pretty hot."
*Props to Ysolla for this term.
Thoughts while reading this:
"Hmm... Sounds like Justin has quite the man-crush on Joe."
"El Presidente... shirtless... wet and soapy?!?" *faints*
Posted by: Rach at June 28, 2006 08:54 PMJoe,man,you are so MONEY and you don't even know it!!!
Posted by: timmcd at June 28, 2006 08:55 PMBat-Girl you are on fire.
Posted by: Paul at June 28, 2006 08:58 PMHot Hot Hot --- Describes the whole team. Aint it grand???
Posted by: Todd at June 28, 2006 09:00 PMRight, BG. Like I needed to be encouraged to burst into flame after a game like today?? really..
hmmm.... Tonight, I think I might have to dream about baseball players/firefighters racing to put out my flames.. err.. sorry. I'll keep the rest of that to myself.
*blush*
Posted by: CapitalBabs at June 28, 2006 09:09 PM:swoon:
While your writing is swoon-worthly, BG, gotta say the images you put in my head...
*I'm sorry to report this response could not be finished, as the writer has fainted*
Posted by: Just Beth at June 28, 2006 09:09 PMOh. My.
Posted by: Angela at June 28, 2006 09:09 PMBeeg, when I gave you that photo of me in front of a local firetruck, I didn't think you'd put it on the site! For shame, Beeg, for shame.
Posted by: Will at June 28, 2006 09:14 PMHmmmmmm- Wonder if the Sux or the Tiggers are gettin nervous? The early swoon is gone and now our boys our as hot as theirs. The Twins are not going away quietly and if the mojo fades for the other two..............
Posted by: Todd at June 28, 2006 09:16 PMOh that was brilliantly funny!
A guy that is not afraid to carry a man bag - HOT.
Ahh - explains why Boo gave up those runs in the 8th - he was up sewing uniforms - it's ok Boo - I still love ya!
Johan shirtless and sudsy - whoa - MUY CALIENTE!
Don't you think the Twins should have Joe Mauer Sideburn day or something - the little kid they showed in the crowd yesterday was sporting some fake 'burns and it was the cutest thing!
Much Love
Wonder Woman
Um, er, pardon me everyone...I need a moment.
Posted by: talldrinkowater at June 28, 2006 09:37 PMI'm sorry, as hot as Mauer may be w/his sideburn and the grip-and-go stuff, a soapy and wet Santana w/a fire truck...I mean...what was the question?
Posted by: PJStP at June 28, 2006 09:39 PMOh the Twins are doing a JOE MAUER SIDEBURN DAY!!
http://www.startribune.com/509/story/521874.html
Much love
Wonder Woman
*Faints*
Posted by: Twin-X at June 28, 2006 09:51 PMBG, this write-up was the only thing that could compare to the hotness that has been the Twins' play of late. Firetrucks and strikeouts and homers... oh my!
Posted by: AT at June 28, 2006 09:52 PMOH MY GOD.
Johan is SO HOT.
Bat Girl I think that was the 10th time you made me laugh so hard that I started crying. And that my friend is hot.
Posted by: freealonzo at June 28, 2006 09:59 PMOMG laughing + crying = sides hurt
Posted by: Kris at June 28, 2006 10:08 PMThere ya go, AT. Keep your eyes on the firetruck....
Good stuff, Beege.
Posted by: frightwig at June 28, 2006 10:47 PMHeh. "Balls to wall sewing." :D
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at June 28, 2006 11:05 PMYsolla will be so proud :)
Posted by: CarrieICL at June 28, 2006 11:15 PMWhat did I just read...?
Posted by: Torhu at June 28, 2006 11:17 PMI am going to have the best. dreams. ever. tonight!!! I'm imagining my studly boyfriend getting as slippery as his change-up and as smokin' hot as his fastball... So, which parking lot is he going to be doing this in, BG? Come to think of it, that *would* be a great fundraiser. Minnesota Twins shirtless car wash. Do you have any idea how many fire trucks that could buy?!?
Posted by: aussie at June 28, 2006 11:23 PMHOTT!
Posted by: BAT bitch monkey! at June 28, 2006 11:52 PMoooooo.... Aussie girl, I always knew I liked how you think.
I definitely think we should propose that as a fundraising/community effort. *nods solemnly*
Posted by: CapitalBabs at June 28, 2006 11:59 PMSo I can't really think after seeing that picture. And Aussie=pure genius.
Posted by: Stacy at June 29, 2006 12:14 AMMauer is hot, yes, but he's definitely not batting .932. ;)
Posted by: Jeremy at June 29, 2006 12:41 AMJeremy -
Practically .932. Why split hairs? And I think it actually was .932 for the Dodgers series. Did anyone else hear John Anderson on Sportscenter advise "Just walk him!" Haha. (And hot. Of course. Very hot.)
Posted by: hrunting at June 29, 2006 02:17 AM"Minnesota Twins shirtless car wash."
It's a good thing you asked that this season. Last year you'd have had Silva, Mullholland, Redmond, and LeCroy. ;)
Be careful what you wish for.
Posted by: Torhu at June 29, 2006 02:54 AMHow hot would it be if Johan and Joe were the starting battery for the all-star game?
Posted by: Bob at June 29, 2006 03:01 AMGood thing I read this before my shower. Excuse me now I think I better head there.
Posted by: Spamsmom at June 29, 2006 04:14 AMIf a catcher hits 390 for the season and someone doesn't vote for him as MVP are they declared an idiot and have their vote taken away?
And as for people voting for other catchers for the All Star Game, who are these people and why do they hate baseball?
Posted by: dan in london at June 29, 2006 05:03 AMCareful, BG. The blog just might be declared NSFW for some corporate geek running my firewall.
Posted by: tgd at June 29, 2006 05:17 AMWhile I am staunchly heterosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that), I can say, with masculine confidence, that 5-0 1.30 ERA (6 starts) for June is hot.
Leading the league in strikeouts is also hot.
Having a viral case of pitcher's envy, not so hot...just ask every other team in baseball.
YankeeFan
Now I understand! I have actually been to El Presidente's home town. It was settled by German immigrants and looks just like one of those little mountainside gingerbread villages you saw in "Heidi". I don't know how he's going to get that vehicle up those little mopuntain roads, but if anyone can do it, he can.
Posted by: Twinkee at June 29, 2006 07:24 AMBeing from funoka, I normally am anti-Coon Town, but I'm glad they could work out a deal to help fight fires and save lives.
I did get a kick out of the PiPress locator -- "Coon Rapids, a suburb north of Minneapolis " -- Does the PiPress do this for all Minneapolis suburbs?
Per yesterday's game, XM radio's Kevin Kennedy and Rob Dibble were highly critical of Gardenhire's decision to take out Santana yesterday. They wouldn't let it go for awhile, but then Gardy came on and said "Santana is a slight guy -- not a big horse, and he was laboring in the 7th inning."
Also, just think how well Mauer will hit after 3 days rest, if he doesn't make the All-Star team.
Posted by: funoka at June 29, 2006 07:35 AMThis is an imaginary conversation between Joe Nathan and Juan Rincon.
Juan (Boo):*hangs up bullpen phone* Well, Gardy told me to start warming up.
Joe: Hey, Boo, can I talk to you for a minute?
Juan: Sure, man, what's up?
Joe: Listen, I know this is a tough thing to ask, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Juan: Sure, anything.
Joe: Now, it might hurt a little.
Juan: Joe, what ever it is, tell me.
Joe: Well, I haven't pitched since Saturday, because we've been winning by so many gosh-darn runs. I'm starting to feel rusty, and with tomorrow's off day and all....
Juan: Joe, don't worry, I got ya covered.
*Juan goes in and gives up a 3RBI double to Saenz*
Joe (from bullpen): Thanks Juan!
Posted by: Pun at June 29, 2006 07:51 AMWell we know BatGirl is always bringing it...but that there is some mad hot sass.
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P. at June 29, 2006 08:41 AMWhy do I smell a rash of self-inflicted house fires about to break out in the Upper Midwest? It's nice to see so many ladies expressing their enthusiasm for...ummm...baseball. Yeah, baseball. And for us guys in the crowd, it's nice to be able to throw off those masculine shackles and savor the all-encompassing hottness (that's the ultimate - two-"T" hott) of our Twins.
Posted by: adidasman at June 29, 2006 08:50 AM
Oh, good lord. It's a good thing the lady that sits next to me is out for the rest of the week.
"Minnesota Twins shirtless car wash"
Now that's a fundraiser that a girl can really get behind!
Posted by: Sarah at June 29, 2006 09:03 AMWe have gained two games on the Sox and six on the Yankees. Warning: Twins in rear view mirror are closer than they appear.
Posted by: bob2 at June 29, 2006 09:07 AM*speechless*
Posted by: Say Rah! at June 29, 2006 09:12 AMIt is too early for me to be cry laughing, Batgirl. You're brilliant.
Posted by: Erin at June 29, 2006 09:24 AMOh. My. God. *fans herself*
That's not even hot, that's...flaming, burning...Okay, it's a hard feeling to describe, but I'm pretty sure every female Twins fan and maybe even some non-female Twins fans are feeling the same thing.
Posted by: kierra at June 29, 2006 09:25 AM"Minnesota Twins shirtless car wash"
Oh dear lord.... How do we make this happen? I am SO there.
BG - you totally made my day. Thanks :D
Posted by: WC at June 29, 2006 09:27 AMIf we didn't have fires, we would not need fire engines. Question- does LNP read your blog? If so,do we have to worry about a plethora of attempts to steal home while Mauer is batting with 0 outs?
Posted by: al at June 29, 2006 09:31 AMBatGirl Rules...
In other news, as a devoted and relocated Twins fan living 4 blocks from the White House, I realize all too clearly the importance of each and every vote. This is why I have spent the last half hour or so (at work, on your Federal tax dollars, mind you) voting 125 times for our boys on the All-star ballot (on 5 different e-mails, of course). We can do this, America. Vote now!! Several times! Because as it stands, we have a bunch of inflated egos with inflated paychecks leading the roster. And thats just a disgrace. I mean, Jason Varitek?! C'mon. BASEBALL DOESN'T HAVE CAPTAINS!
So do it for Joe. Do it for Our Twins. Do it for Democracy! And keep on rocking, Twins fans ;)
Posted by: JanineInDC at June 29, 2006 09:42 AMI'm thinking Milton Bradley needs to get to work on 'Mystery Date - The Minnesota Twins Edition.'
Chairman, Doctor, El Presidente, Franchise = Dreams
Castro, Batista, RonDL White = Duds
Pat, I'd like to buy an </i>.
Posted by: Kris at June 29, 2006 10:11 AMJanineInDC, you're absolutely right! I've maxed out my email addresses but have spent a good hour this morning asking my non-baseball-fan friends and family if I may use theirs. Fifteen and counting!
Posted by: sporto at June 29, 2006 11:11 AMSorry, must disagree on all counts...
Joe NATHAN = Hott. Mauer needs a new hairstyle.
Posted by: Georgia Girl at June 29, 2006 11:34 AM"Minnesota Twins shirtless car wash."
As a female twins fan you made my week.
*Falls over*
:::Sings "Burning Down the House" to TwinsGoddess:::
Anyone else catch this?
Hunter on Mauer in post game interview:
"What he's doin' is just sick. I've never seen anyone do what he's doin'. And he's 23 years old! What's he gonna do when he gets MAN muscles?"
Posted by: PJStP at June 29, 2006 12:49 PMBy the way... now is the time to VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!
Last day for online ballots!!!
Posted by: Eric at June 29, 2006 01:09 PMOkay, all -- I got my votes in.
Congrats, Batgirl, on the link from Jacob Luft over at SI.com. (Click on my name for the link.) And clearly he is feeling our joy, while all of the rest of the press is only reading this run as a frustrating experience of not-catching-up. Bob2 is right. We have gained some ground on some teams. And I like to look at it this way: imagine if the Tiggers and Wox went on this run, and we hadn't been this hott. Really. Imagine, for example, being Cleveland. We may not have gained ground, but we have stayed in this thing while our division turned into the best division ever for about three weeks. That ain't nothing.
Does anyone notice that off-days blow when the baseball is this good?
Oh, and get ready to cheer for the ex-Twins -- Jacque and Henry and Todd Walker -- to do some damage against the White Sox this weekend.
Posted by: hrunting at June 29, 2006 01:23 PMPractically .932. Why split hairs? And I think it actually was .932 for the Dodgers series.
I won't take away from the fun, so y'know, I won't comment that it's dumb to try and justify an innocent typo. :)
11-for-13, while impressive as hell, as "only" .846 (for the Dodgers series).
:)
The Dodgers never could quite make out, in thinking it over afterwards, how it was that they began: all they remembered is, that they were running hand in hand, and the Twins went so fast that it was all the Dodgers could do to keep up with them: and still the Twins kept crying “Faster! Faster!” but the Dodgers felt they COULD NOT go faster, though they had not breath left to say so.
The most curious part of the thing was, that the Tigers and White Sox and the other things round them never changed their places at all: however fast they went, they never seemed to pass anything. “I wonder if all the things move along with us?” thought the poor puzzled Dodgers. And the Twins seemed to guess their thoughts, for they cried, “Faster! Don't try to talk!”
Not that the Dodgers had any idea of doing THAT. They felt as if they would never be able to talk again, they were getting so much out of
breath: and still the Twins cried “Faster! Faster!” and dragged them along. “Are we nearly there?” the Dodgers managed to pant out at last.
“Nearly there?” the Twins repeated. “Why, we passed it ten minutes ago! Faster!” And they ran on for a time in silence, with the wind whistling in the Dodger’s ears, and almost blowing the hair off their heads, they fancied.
“Now! Now!” cried the Twins. “Faster! Faster!” And they went so fast that at last they seemed to skim through the air, hardly touching the ground with their feet, till suddenly, just as the Dodgers were getting quite exhausted, they stopped, and they found themselves sitting on the FieldTurf, breathless and giddy.
The Twins propped them up against a blue baggie, and said kindly, “You may rest a little now.”
The Dodgers looked round in great surprise. “Why, I do believe we've been under this baggie the whole time! Everything's just as it was!”
“Of course it is,” said the Twins, “what would you have it?”
“Well, in OUR division,” said the Dodgers, still panting a little, “you'd generally get to somewhere else -- if you ran very fast for a long time, as we've been doing.”
“A slow sort of division!” said the Twins. “Now, HERE, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”
Dear Mr. Jeremy,
It wasn't a typo. Batgirl was using the comic tool of exaggeration to make her point--that Joe Mauer's batting avg. is really really high.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Important announcement: Freddy Sanchez hit a lead-off walk-off homer to lead the Bucs past the BitchSox. The Twins pick up half a game on second place! See, a two-week tear DOES make a difference!
Posted by: Kurtis at June 29, 2006 02:53 PMGood stuff.
Can we talk about Michael Cuddyer stepping up? I [heart] that kid. He just oozes Twinsnosity! Between the other dwarves, god bless their cherubic little hearts, Bashful (Mauer), Bash (Morneau), SweetCheeks, and Bionic Knee (Kubel), the guy gets so little attention. I mean, the guy writes the Cuddiary, for crissakes!
Michael Cuddyer!
Posted by: haplo at June 29, 2006 03:25 PMWoo-hoo! A half-game closer to the wild card!
I'll be perfectly honest here -- if we don't make it to the playoffs, if we never pass the Bitch Sox and the Tigres, I'll live with that. But if we come in second for the wild card -- that is, if we are the third best team in the league, better than the ECBS or the Yankees or whichever random team leads the AL West on any given week -- well, then, I shall rest comfortably knowing it was a good season.
Posted by: CarrieICL at June 29, 2006 03:50 PMTake a look at the leaders page on MLB.com, under the Who's Hot sidebar. In the Last 30 Days area, you'll find:
J. Santana, MIN - 5 W, 0 SV, 43.0 IP, 5 ER
F. Liriano, MIN - 5 W, 0 SV, 41.0 IP, 9 ER
J. Nathan, MIN - 2 W, 7 SV, 16.0 IP, 3 ER
Good pitching is hot!
Posted by: twayn at June 29, 2006 03:51 PMPlease forgive my lack of real knowledge, but I have a toddler and have spent the last 3 years moving from one side of the country to another....
Are any of these "hot" players single in real life? It might help me select my boyfriend.
Posted by: CelticFrog at June 29, 2006 04:06 PMMuy bueno HOT HOT HOT. The best, B.G. And Aussie, the idea of the Hot Hot Hot shirtless carwash-gush-Santana/Mauer/Cuddyer washing me, er my CAR, yes that was your idea. Where do we line up?
I have my Visa and cash ready.
Love them Twins,
Cheers, kal
Posted by: kal at June 29, 2006 04:24 PMBatgirl-you should make some new shirts for your website...........one that says something about the M&M boys and one that says something along the lines of a big thank you to Brian Sabean for being an idiot.
I am sure people would buy them..........
I hope someone tells Mike "NBP" Redmond it's "shirtless car wash" not "totally nude car wash."
Posted by: Donnalove at June 29, 2006 05:40 PMAbout the possibility of a Sabean shirt, BG I'd happily buy one, wear it proudly at AT&T park and take pictures.
Not sure if I'd survive to tell the tale if I'm in the bleachers (w/ all those rabid kids sliding down the giant coke bottle) but if I'm in the good seats I should be fine since most are surfing the web (bat-girl.com?)in their Wi Fi ballpark
Posted by: cal at June 29, 2006 05:43 PMA good article on Justincredible on the official site- about him becoming and growing into a real ball player.
Posted by: Todd at June 29, 2006 06:20 PMI just found two dimes on my driveway-one American, one Canadian. Much like Joe and Justin. Aww.
Posted by: Erin at June 29, 2006 07:54 PMtwayn: Your post is fantastic.
“Well, in OUR division,” said the Dodgers, still panting a little, “you'd generally get to somewhere else..."
It smacks (dare I say it) of BG herself. If the Great Lady of Twins Fandom would ever dream of taking another day (or two) off, I nominate you to stand in. In a heartbeat.
Posted by: Brooklynegg at June 29, 2006 09:11 PMI miss Jodi Mientkiewicz.
And I'm with Haplo. Cuddy's my guy. We went through some rough times at the start of last year but I'm so happy I kept the faith.
Posted by: mmmmarkiep at June 29, 2006 09:56 PM