"Even though the Toronto Blue Jays have offered Corey Koskie back to the Twins at a discount price, the trade talks Wednesday were officially pronounced dead."The poker match between J.P. Ricciardi and Terry Ryan, general manager of the Minnesota Twins, is moving at a snail's pace..."I've talked to the Twins (about Koskie) a couple of times but there's not much going on right now," Ricciardi said yesterday. "I wouldn't say the talks are dead but they're going real slow."
TRUTH AND BEAUTY A Play By Batgirl
A man and a woman sit at as bus stop. The woman reads a newspaper that has a pleasing, highly readable font with enormous graphics to make the whole news reading experience less taxing. The man fiddles with his iPod. He can't get it to work. His son said it would be so easy, he said it would change his life, he said even the basest moron can use an iPod, but the man can't understand it. It does not belong in the same world as he, it belongs in this new universe of hip hop and high speed and digital everything and he does not understand it, not any of it, and as he tries to bring up his menu, he feels, suddenly, the twinge of his own mortality. The world has passed him by, and he is nothing, now, just an artifact, a sorry remnant of a forgotten world. He sighs and lowers the infernal contraption, the sleek plastic memento mori, and stares at the ground. Then, suddenly, he espies something growing from a crack in the concrete slabs in front of him. He stands up.
Man: (gasping) Look at this beautiful flower!
Woman: (looking up) That is not a flower.
Man: Not a flower? Of course it's a flower! Here, in this wasteland of the city, a bit of beauty sprouts. (The man bends down.) I don't know how it could have survived here on this sidewalk. How no one's stepped on it! This flower is a miracle. This flower is a survivor. This flower gives us all hope.
Woman: That is not a flower.
Man: Not a flower? Of course it is! It is a flower of the genus Cordelus species Koskosa. Delicate, graceful, balding. A sweet odor. Thrives in cold weather. Rare. Likes ice fishing. Highly breakable.
Woman: That is not a flower.
Man: A flower, it is! The seed-bearing part of a plant. Here, the corolla, here the calyx. Here, the stamen, here, the pistil! A whole reproductive system in one, just waiting for the merry bee to buzz along and be seduced by its sweet, sweet nectar. A flower! Art and science married to produce one beguiling whole. You can have your computers, your gadgets, your whozits and whatfors, I say there is no technology on Earth greater than that used to make this noble wisp. A flower!
Woman: That is not a flower.
Man: Argh! (straightening) For heaven's sake! If it's not a flower, what is it?
Woman: (standing up, smiling pleasantly) It is a gun.
She bends down, picks up the flower, points it at him and shoots. The man screams and falls to the ground. Blood seeps everywhere.
The woman sticks the flower back between the cracks in the pavement and stomps on it. Tony Batista walks onto the stage, gives a low bow in the Japanese style, then enfolds the woman in his arms and kisses her. With tongue.
Curtain.
Posted by Batgirl at January 5, 2006 09:18 PMNice.
Posted by: Tim Minnesota at January 5, 2006 11:40 PMOK, BG... it's after midnight and I'm going to have to re-read that one again in the morning.
If I lie awake well in to the wee hours thinking about it and fall asleep at my desk Friday, I'm blaming you.
Posted by: JimCrikket at January 6, 2006 12:16 AM"Guns don't kill people; Koskie kills people."
Is that the moral? I'm just not getting this one.
Posted by: dlarso01 at January 6, 2006 06:18 AMDamn. And here I was hoping that Koskie would appear as a giant cockroach. Oh well.
Very nice, BG. Much nicer than the news we've been getting recently.
Posted by: CarrieICL at January 6, 2006 07:32 AMwith toungue? LOL
Posted by: dan in london at January 6, 2006 07:40 AM
Bravo! A work of staggering brilliance, BG!
Will this be on stage at the new Guthrie? I'd buy a ticket.
Posted by: JaerBesan at January 6, 2006 08:49 AMBatgirl = Genius
Posted by: Florida at January 6, 2006 08:57 AMA hearty, loving WTF to you, BG!
Posted by: sacky at January 6, 2006 09:37 AMdidn't i see that on an episode of Twin Peaks?
Posted by: TeeNutts at January 6, 2006 09:44 AM
This is brilliant, absolutely brilliant! RD is feeling the way he did the other day after seeing The Producers, humming to himself: "Springtime for Batista at Metrodome."
so, Corey Koskie represents the two sides of hope - a beautiful flower when trade talks are alive, but a murderous pistol wielded by a crazy person when hopes have been raised only to be yanked away like a football from Charlie Brown (who should have learned to dropkick like Flutie)?
And the newspaper represents the theory that 85% of trades that are reported before they happen will never actually happen?
And Tony Bautista is symbolic of the US failure to join the world by signing the Kyoto Accord?
Maybe I missed the point.
Posted by: a. nonymous at January 6, 2006 09:49 AMThe Iron Koskie: "I am not a gun!"
Posted by: Roscoe at January 6, 2006 10:03 AMI declare Batgirl the Poet Laureate for Twins Territory!
Posted by: soccerfan at January 6, 2006 10:06 AMI'm never going to be able to wash the visual of Tony Batista tongue-kissing someone out of my brain. blech.
Otherwise ... bravo!
Posted by: jenninseattle at January 6, 2006 10:43 AMI kept expecting the woman to eventually say, "That's a weed," and to show why the dandelion, by definition, is not a flower despite the fact that it indeed looks like one to the untrained eye. You know, the whole seeming vs. being thing. In other words, truth is relative, or not really truth in the Platonic sense, but a matter of practical convention, in the spirit of the later Wittgenstein.
Instead, it becomes a gun, which blew me away, pardon the pun. The whole story transcends antirealism and veers into surrealism. So instead of Wittgenstein, I get Derrida. Hmm. From a literary perspective, I'm still waiting for the denouement.
I'm (admittedly) not terribly bright, but here's what I got out of it: we, Twins fans, are the man, depressed, sad, feeling like the world has passed us by. Suddenly, a happy Corey Koskie trade-talk flower blooms, bringing us joy and hope in an otherwise blighted landscape. The woman is (Terry Ryan? J. P. Ricciardi?), who takes our flower of hope and turns it into a weapon with which to destroy us.
Of course, this leaves me with an image of Batista tonguing Terry Ryan... Blech!
Posted by: smaki at January 6, 2006 10:53 AMSo when is the Legovision reenactment coming out?
Or do we wait for the DVD?
I suppose Batista is the denouement, which I could live with, as long as I don't have to see his tongue entering the mouth of anyone, male or female. If I had to see his tongue, I would prefer if it was stuck to the Snow Emergency Route sign post.
Posted by: cmathewson at January 6, 2006 10:58 AMIntepret as you wish, but this was a story about hopes rising and suddenly crashing.
The glorious excitement caused by a potential Koskie/Twins reunion is now seemingly extinguished by news that it might not happen.
And what are Twins fans left with? Tony Bautista at third and a bullet in the noggin.
(using his best Lieutenant Columbo voice)
See there is just one things that keeps bothering me about this whole thing.......who is the woman that shoots the gun ? Batista makes sense,...Koskie would take his job...... but the woman....what would she have to gain fron this...... ? Just one more question Batgirl.....this Koskie fellow... he had a thing with your husband right.......maybe enough of a thing that it......could cause you to murder him in cold Canadian cold......
Posted by: public enemy mike at January 6, 2006 11:47 AMerrr cold Canadian blood is what it should read
Posted by: public enemy mike at January 6, 2006 11:49 AMStoppard meets Kafka, eh?
Posted by: BadAndy48 at January 6, 2006 12:29 PMBatgirl is sitting at home reading all the analysis and laughing quietly to herself.
Well played, Batgirl!
Posted by: Neil at January 6, 2006 01:29 PMThat's the funniest thing I've read or seen in a long time.
:: bows in the low Japanese style to the illustrious Bat Girl ::
The tongue kiss I leave totally up to you. ;0P
- Freez
Posted by: Freez at January 6, 2006 02:43 PM"cold Canadian blood"
A rather redundant phrase, no? : )
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at January 6, 2006 02:48 PMI'm waiting for the brave, young Red Guard members to come leaping across the stage, slashing the air with their giant red banners in glorious defiance of the running dog tyrants.
Posted by: CMao at January 6, 2006 04:03 PMHey Everyone, I know this topic is a little off post, but I was curious if anyone who has gone down to Ft. Myers for Spring Training had any suggestions as to hotels, things to do down there, flights, etc.
Thanks.
Posted by: vince at January 6, 2006 05:00 PM"Nothing will happen as far as Corey Koskie coming back to the Twins until spring training, according to a person who knows what is going on. At that time, if Toronto hasn't dealt Koskie, look for Twins owner Carl Pohlad to go out of his way to get Koskie back here if Toronto will pick up a good share of that big contract. Nobody felt worse than Pohlad did when Koskie left here, and he told Koskie so when they had lunch after Koskie signed with Toronto."
Posted by: Haplo at January 6, 2006 05:19 PMI like it, but Tony Batista lacks the acting chops for this part. I'd go with Willis.
Posted by: Campagna at January 6, 2006 06:22 PMBrava. The bit about the newspaper particularly got me ;)
That poor flower of hope... it WAS rather pretty.
Posted by: FordHoiberg at January 6, 2006 08:32 PMThis sounds reminiscent of an episode of the excellent, now-cancelled tv series "Firefly", which spawned the recent movie "Serenity".
The moderately insane psychic girl is seen on board the ship barefoot, and she bends down to pick up a pretty autumn branch, when all of a sudden people start freaking out, and we see she's really holding a gun.
But perhaps I speak of pop culture too recent for the non-ipod-infatuated generation. I've just recently turned 21. Then again, I had to wikipedia who Tony Batista was exactly.
P.S. Even at UMN - Twin Cities, it's pretty hard to be a Twins fan, but yay cheap seats for poor college students.
Posted by: Antalya at January 6, 2006 08:37 PMHe's a Toronto Blue Light Special!!
Posted by: Rivasfan at January 6, 2006 08:38 PMIs it bad that I though Tony Batista was some sort of "Commie" leader? I now stand corrected, and slightly humiliated.
Posted by: Antalya at January 6, 2006 08:39 PM"Of course, this leaves me with an image of Batista tonguing Terry Ryan... Blech!"
I didn't think the visual I was stuck with could get worse. I was wrong.
Antalya: your Firefly reference was not completely lost :-)
Posted by: jenninseattle at January 6, 2006 09:31 PMKoskie traded to the Brewers...click my name for the link...
Posted by: bubblemint at January 6, 2006 11:00 PMwell, Mr./Ms. bubble, I guess Mr. Koskie's been moved and that's that. flowery guns be damned.
good night,
kal
Posted by: kal at January 7, 2006 12:58 AMSome more details on Koskie going to Milwaukee:
"The key to the deal was Toronto’s willingness to pick up at least half of the $11 million left on Koskie’s contract. Melvin would not specify the exact sum the Blue Jays took back other than to say it was “a fair amount"
How could TR not have gotten the deal done? The one thing that could still happen is that Bill Hall could really outplay Koskie and make Koskie available again-but still, if the Brewers are getting the Blue Jays to pay half Doug Melvin is a genius.
Posted by: Shaun at January 7, 2006 02:31 AMAnd Batgirl told me she couldn't write drama.
Pshaw.
Posted by: NY-Brian at January 8, 2006 01:10 AMOnly today have I seen this lovely story, and today is the day that I commend BG on this lovely, provocative bit of literature. Brava, indeed.
Posted by: AT at January 9, 2006 10:18 PM