Twins at Detroit. Twins 2, Tigers 1
Now, really, was that so hard?
Look guys, let’s make a deal for next year. You can leave as many guys on base as you want. Really. BG won’t even blink an eye. You can leave everyone in the dugout on base, Wayne Hattaway, too, you can strand Batgirl and the Batkitties Three. You can strand the whole U.S. freakin’ army on base—heck, take the Navy, too. It’s all good. BG cares not, as long as you score more runs than the other team.
This isn’t really that difficult. Not when the pitching staff gives up 2 runs a game (when they’re not on strike that is). Not when Kyle Lohse, who has shed his Tantrum McSpazzypants persona and is very, very sorry, shows us that we’ll miss him if he’s gone next year. (Of his clubhouse-smashing endeavors, Lohse would say regretfully, “I just wanted the bats to hit something!”)
My dear Twins, you can put runners on all day, we know you can. Today, for instance, you had thirteen hits, three walks—one of them intentional—and a hit by pitch. That makes by Batgirl’s California math eighteen baserunners, of which you scored two. Which, again, is totally, one hundred percent fine with Batgirl because you won. And two runs off 13 hits, that’s respectable, kind of. (I mean, jeez, could you imagine getting 13 hits and not getting any runs? How pathetic would that be?) But the point is, under Batgirl’s Happy Kitten Plan For Ultimate Triumph you can put runners on all day with walks, hits, errors, bunts, whatever you want, and then, my friends, you can totally strand them ‘til the cows come home! You can first-pitch swing into double plays, strike out, pop out, whatever! The world is your oyster! Just as long as you convert on 2-3 of those opportunities a game, enough to score more runs than your opponents.
“But Batgirl,” you say, “how can we score more runs than the other team when we don’t know how many runs they’re going to score, huh? We’re not psychic, except for Old Man Mulholland, and maybe Mike Redmond since he got hit in the head.” Well, I say, let’s make this even easier.
Fact: you, Twins are 186-1 this season when you score four runs or more and, Fact: you are 10-960 when you score fewer than four. So, under Batgirl’s Happy Kitten Plan For Ultimate Triumph you score four runs a game. That’s two base hits with the bases juiced, or, say, one sac fly and a three-run double, or two sac flies, a base hit with RISP, and a walk-off bunt for Little Nicky Punto, or even—and I know I’m asking a lot here—one grand salami. Because salami is delicious and I think you like to eat it—are you hearing me, Matt LeCroy? Strand as many was you want, but score four runs a game and Batgirl bets you won’t be going home once October starts next year.
By the way, we’ve had the privilege of seeing two career journeymen minor leaguers make their debuts this year. There was Glenn Williams—ah, yes, that was ages ago, back when we were still young and had dreams—and now Chris “Hunts Is Fine But I Prefer” Heintz has been in the minors for ten years without a major league call-up, but this year he batted .304 in Rochester and was the Red Wings’ MVP, and the Twins made room for him on their 40-man roster. On Saturday, Heintz had his first major league appearance, on Sunday he got a start and a hit, tonight he his first RBI, scoring the Twins’ first run of the game, and last week he was turned into a chick for the first time. He has seemed absolutely giddy on his first tour with the show, and he is a reminder, even during these dark times, what a privilege it is to play the game, and what fun it is to watch it. Also, he is delicious with French fries.
BatNotes: Batgirl would like to take this moment to congratulate her beloved husband who handed in his dissertation today and is now Dr. Jeb. He has worked almost as hard on it as the Twins have to score runs this year. Unfortunately, Dr. Jeb then dove into the fountain near the registrar’s office and that’s when the BatCell went dead. BG is sure he’s fine.
Excellent plan, BatGirl. 4 runs a game. Did you guys hear that? You can do it! I know you can! I've seen it happen!
Congratulations, Jeb!
Posted by: ndtf at September 12, 2005 10:47 PMThat sounds beautiful!
And most of all, CONGRATULATIONS, JEB! The Batlings are SO proud of you!!
Posted by: Stacy at September 12, 2005 10:59 PMCongrats to Jeb.
I will now return sadly shed a tear as the Tigers lose yet again. Sigh.
Posted by: Jack Morris Mutual Admiration Society at September 12, 2005 11:08 PMSee that? I was so sad I couldn't even write one coherent sentence.
Posted by: Jack Morris Mutual Admiration Society at September 12, 2005 11:09 PMCongrats, JEB!!
They had me worried for a while, I must admit. They should be nicer to Gardy's heart.
Dear Dr. Jeb,
Congratulations!!
Dare we ask what the subject of your dissertation was?
I'm guessing assbats.
bubblemint
Posted by: bubblemint at September 12, 2005 11:48 PMWay to go Jeb! Congratulations.
Posted by: MacG at September 12, 2005 11:51 PM"... and last week [Heintz] was turned into a chick for the first time."
I'm sure this is his proudest moment as a Twin, even better than the RBI double! congrats on the great debut, Ketchup! (too bad the sinkerballers had to, you know, collapse on you for your first start.)
wow... four runs a game... the thought makes me giddy!
and congrats, Dr. Jeb!
Posted by: kafumbly at September 13, 2005 12:51 AMJEB ROCKS
Posted by: kw at September 13, 2005 06:44 AMWohhooooo - Cheers all around - for a Twins win and a new Dr. Jeb -=)
Much Love
Wonder Woman
Batgirl your California math is well califorian, I get seventeen baserunners. But your plan is genious because 4 runs on four hits or forty will win more often than not. I'm with BG.
Posted by: ump21 at September 13, 2005 08:05 AMCongratulations, Jeb! I hope you're okay.
I'm glad Kyle apologized. Because I've always liked the kid (even if I didn't want to see him pitch last year), and I've really liked him this year when he's done quite well.
Four runs per game all year would be entirely awesome in my book. Besides the "stats" side of me becoming entirely giddy, there's something very sassy about scoring exactly four runs every game (espeicially if they include walk-off bunts).
Williams and Heintz--stories that just warm hearts all over.
Posted by: Just Beth at September 13, 2005 08:07 AM
Congratulations Dr. Jeb!
This calls for a three-day Playstation celebration! And PIE!
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at September 13, 2005 08:11 AMStrong work, Dr. Jeb! Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I'd like to be. I can fly higher than an eagle, for Jeb is the wind beneath my wings.
May we learn the title of the dissertation?
Posted by: let's go mets at September 13, 2005 08:32 AMDear Kyle:
Thank you. Please do that again.
Dear Jeb:
Hearty congratulations. It's always good to have a doctor in the family.
Dear Batgirl:
Best nickname ever: Tantrum McSpazzypants. Tears ran down my face from stifling laughter.
Sincerely,
k-bro
Congrats Dr. Jeb! Now you can rub elbows with the likes of Dr. Morneau!
Posted by: soccerfan at September 13, 2005 08:52 AMCan Dr. Jeb play first base? He couldn't possibly strand more runners than Dr. Morneau...
Bitterly,
WC
They are very happy for Jeb down in Florida:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/2330613.stm
Jeb!
Warmest congratulations to Dr. Jeb!
Posted by: Say Rah! at September 13, 2005 09:30 AMCongrats Jeb! I've been meaning to do that for about 30 years, lol. Maybe in the next lifetime.
Posted by: insider at September 13, 2005 09:39 AMCongratulations Dr. Jeb!
Posted by: anothertwinsfan at September 13, 2005 10:16 AMNow the real question:
Does Diet Dr. Jeb taste more like regular Dr. Jeb?
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at September 13, 2005 11:21 AMCongratulations, Dr. Jeb!
SMZ,
I think that's a question that only one person here can answer. So until she does, we can only speculate. I will, however, go on the record stating that all diet drinks taste like bass-carp*. I hope that informs my speculation on the matter.
MK
* - I had so wanted to use "bass-carp" in a comment to the "Jugg-Er-Not" entry last week, but couldn't find a good spot for it.
Posted by: mk at September 13, 2005 01:42 PMCongratulations, Dr. Jeb! You may now return to eating and sleeping! (Or were you saner through that process than I was?)
And huge congratulations also to Batgirl, who has survived Dr. Jeb's dissertating. I'm sure that dr. hrunting's spouse can empathize.
Now, RE: baseball, I was afraid to look for the score this morning. I arranged my weekend around that ESPN broadcast on Sunday, and I'm still a little traumatized. Thanks for the reassurance that the Twins can win, even when they are inefficient.
Posted by: hrunting at September 13, 2005 01:50 PMI add my Dr. Jeb congratulations to those of my fellow batlings.
BG, your plan is brilliant. Just think of what a tremendous campaign platform that could become for El Presidente and the VP; bitches sitting plus four runs per game would win by a landslide.
Posted by: AT at September 13, 2005 02:22 PMNot to malign our VP, but during Santana's next campaign maybe he should target the constituency they seemed to have overlooked this term. Mainly, hitters. This is why I'm proposing a Santana/Mauer campaign! This will surely help the four runs a game motto.
Posted by: Saajak at September 13, 2005 03:20 PM4 runs ... in a game????
Each and every game????????
I think I've landed on Fantasy Island .....
Posted by: BD at September 13, 2005 04:24 PMCongrats, JEB! Now that you're not using it, can I borrow your motivation? 'Cause ABD just doesn't have the same ring to it as Dr. does.
Eh, who am I kidding? Maybe next semester...
Posted by: twink at September 15, 2005 09:35 PM