Chicago at Twins. Bitch Sox 6, Twins 4.
In the ill-fated 5th inning of today's game, Aaron Rowand hit a foul that ricocheted directly off of Twins catcher Mike Redmond's head. While, years ago, an evil scientist kidnapped Redmond, took him to his evil lair, and installed a layer of a weapons-grade metal alloy over Redmond's whole skeleton—it still hurt like a bitch.
The pain soon ceased, but when Redmond went into the dugout he found the world seemed different to him. It was as if all his senses had been suddenly heightened. He sat on the dugout bench, staring at his own hand as if he'd never quite seen it before. Even the very calluses seemed to pulsate with life.
"What are you doing?" said Justin Morneau, walking by.
"Justin," said Redmond, still fixated on his left hand. "Have you ever really looked at your hand?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, really looked at it? It's like a small miracle."
"Wha—"
"What if, you know, the atoms in our hands very tiny worlds, and in those worlds, there were very tiny baseball teams, and somewhere in one of those worlds a very tiny player, even smaller than Punto, is sitting in a very tiny dugout staring at his hand?"
"Uh—"
"And what if we are all living in an atom on the hand hair of a giant? And somewhere, that giant is sitting in a giant dugout, and—" Redmond stopped as he looked up suddenly. "Justin!" he exclaimed. "You have a very lovely aura."
"What?"
"It's a sort of soft yellow, like the color of early morning light," Redmond said, tilting his head thougtfully. "I think if the laughter of a child were a color, it would be the color of your aura."
Morneau stared at him for a long minute. "Uh," he said, "I gotta go."
"Bye!" Redmond said cheerfully, then he turned his attention back to his hand. "A giant dugout," he muttered thoughtfully. "Makes you think."
"Hey," whispered a voice. Redmond looked up. Terry Mulholland was sitting next to him.
"Hey, Terry. Justin Morneau's aura is like the sweet laughter of a child."
"I know," muttered Mulholland. "I can see it."
"You can see it?" exclaimed Redmond wonderingly.
"Yes," said Mulholland. "But keep it down, will you? I was hit in the forehead once, too, and since then, I've been able to read everyone's auras. Yours, for instance, is strangely flesh colored. And Gardy's—"
"A deep, dark, violent red," said Redmond. "It scares me."
"Yes. And—" he pointed out to the field. "A.J.?"
"Why—" Redmond gasped appreciatively "—he looks like a pansy!"
"Now," said Mulholland, "look at Mark Buerhle."
Dutifully, Redmond looked at the pitching mound. And a strange chill passed over him. He looked to Mulholland speechlessly.
"Your eyes don't deceive you, my son," muttered Terence John. "Mark Buerhle has no aura."
It was true. Frantically, Redmond looked around, and everywhere people had auras—from the shining gold of Johan K. Santana to the eternal night black of Joe "Not My Day" Mays. Everyone but Buerhle.
"Why?" he whispered in horror.
"There's only two reasons a man wouldn't have an aura," said Mulholland, eyes fixed on Buerhle. "Because he's dead, or because he doesn't have a soul. I don't think he's dead."
"But—but—" sputtered Redmond, "how can that be?"
"I guess," Terence John said darkly, "he gave it up somewhere."
That was all the men said, but really it was all they needed to say. Despite the fact that he'd been hit in the head, Mike Redmond still could put two and two together. Mostly. Certainly, no one expected the Sox to be as dominant as they were this year, and certainly Mark Buerhle has been known to take one for the team on occasion, and certainly the devil has been seen hanging around U.S. Bitchular Field...
But is it fair? Would Mark Buerhle really sell his soul to the devil for Bitch Sox dominance? Let's look at the evidence.
Mark Buehrle one year ago:
Head Shot 2004
Mark Buerhle now:
Head Shot 2005
Reader, you be the judge.
*gasp* wow. that's... that's just... bad.
Posted by: kafumbly at August 24, 2005 10:12 PMwhoa, even his eyes got creepier
Posted by: Jlubby at August 24, 2005 10:13 PMI'm scared. Hold me.
Posted by: CarrieICL at August 24, 2005 10:13 PMand he lost his chin. *shudder*
Posted by: kafumbly at August 24, 2005 10:14 PMHm. Robert Johnson did write the song, "Sweet Home Chicago." There's got to be a connection.
Posted by: Kurtis at August 24, 2005 10:16 PMEKE!!!!! We need a good cleansing spell!!!
I'll find my book =)
YAY for Little Nicky Punto - he tried - and Cuddy - soooooo close again -
Sigh - Tomorrow is another day
Much Love
Wonder Woman
*shudders* That's...scary....he's lost all his color and everything! *shudders again*
Posted by: Candace at August 24, 2005 10:25 PM*shudder* let me be the first to say...
those pictures are worse than Hottest Chick pics.
REALLY, much worse.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at August 24, 2005 10:29 PMCreepy. I feel like I should go read my Bible now and recite "Our Padre" a couple of times.
Posted by: ndtf at August 24, 2005 10:43 PMAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! That is just creepy! I feel like I need to eat lots and lots of choclate to feel better!!!!!
Posted by: happycanadian at August 24, 2005 10:50 PM5 bucks says the next phrase to come out of this is "ass-aura".
Posted by: Eric at August 24, 2005 10:51 PMThis may be mory scary than hottest chick . . . I just looked at hottest chick, it is not THAT scary.
Posted by: Hannah (the second) at August 24, 2005 10:53 PMcan we please back it up for a second? When did Joe Mays get permission to change his name from "Not my duration of huge contract" Mays to "not my day?" I'm surprised the board approved that. Pardon my language but what a bum!
Posted by: Ovie at August 24, 2005 10:58 PMnow, now... history suggests that the first year coming off Tommy John surgery is a little rough on pitchers, and that the second year is lots better.
that said, however... *ahem* I'm excited to see how Scott Baker will do full-time.
Posted by: kafumbly at August 24, 2005 11:03 PMYou can't argue with the facts...
Posted by: Torhu at August 24, 2005 11:03 PMWhile I'm at it...because even I need to keep up on correspondance:
Dear Joe Mays:
Remember that one game this year where you pitched really well? You pitched a shut out, it was cool.
Well, lately things haven't been so cool. I mean, Santana had a great start and you followed it with...that?
It's called momentum, you should really look it up sometime. We had momentum when Morneau hit that homer against Oakland, or when we had just won two games at home against Boston. Or tonight having fought our asses off to defeat the mighty Garcia.
And what do those all have in common? They were all followed by you.
Keep in mind that September is only 8 days away. And with September comes callups. You are slowly becoming expendable, and Scott Baker is chomping at the bit to take over in the rotation.
Because he'll be here next year. You'll be lucky to be in a Twins uniform much longer. Because you can't start...and I wouldn't trust you out of the bullpen. Which is sad, because even Romero is slowly getting back on my good side.
So in closing, I've been to 6 twins games this year. They've lost two. What do they have in common? You.
-Sincerly,
Torhu
I'm convinced.
Posted by: Sam at August 24, 2005 11:14 PMThis site makes me smile and laugh every day. One of the best entries ever.
Jim (Mariners fan)
Posted by: Jim Osmer at August 24, 2005 11:21 PMI guess when you're 10-1/2 games behind, you have to start talking about crap like auras, eh? If you lived in Chicago, you'd probably be one of those moronic, superstitious Cub fans who believes in curses.
Posted by: Daniel at August 24, 2005 11:31 PMOh, that's nothing. Jamie Moyer sold his soul like 2 or 3 years ago... Now he is going to pitch until he is 62, and reach 400 wins.
.....
Well maybe this will give Mike Redmond an advantage? He may be able to see just how "on" the pitcher is and call the game accordingly?
Uh, guys... you don't realize why Buerhle has no soul. That picture doesn't tell the whole story.
Link below for those wishing to be further enlightened...
http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/9044/buerhle5il.jpg
Posted by: Eric at August 24, 2005 11:35 PMIt really looks like someone smeared Vasoline over the camera before Mark Burley's 2005 picture.
Posted by: Will Young at August 24, 2005 11:36 PMDaniel,
Why the hostility? It's called having fun. I understand that being a fan of the White Sox isn't exactly anything to cheer about...but do you have to come here and ruin ours?
That's alright, 6-4 is might pretty. Especially when your manager decides to pull the pitcher that's been eating us up for three other guys...
The one pitch from Marte was a beauty. And you know, it's not Pollite's fault he gave up a two-run shot to a slugger like Punto. I mean, 3 homeruns, that's quite the power hitter there.
Posted by: Torhu at August 24, 2005 11:38 PMDuuude, Daniel, lighten up. Take the high road if you find our light amusement too despicable. And don't bother wasting your time (and ours) reading a Twins fan site.
Posted by: sacky at August 24, 2005 11:55 PMoh, and by the way...
hahahahaha that's a horrible press photo, especially after the 2004 one was so nice. Does make one wonder, indeed!
Holy Hell...we won...I'm gonna go wash my face and hope that when I come back there is still a W on todays scoreboard.
As an aside...what's up with everyone running into the wall this series? There must be a stiff wind in the dome lately because everyone's falling just short of the wall. Except for LNP, apparently he found the extra few feet Konerko lacked yesterday :)
Posted by: En El Nombre de Ditka at August 25, 2005 12:08 AMThe Soulless are a sign that the Forsaken are loose. Tarmon Gai'don is nigh! We should have fingered the Bitch Sox for this years ago.
Posted by: JaerBesan at August 25, 2005 12:52 AMI love this. Nice work, Batgirl.
Mays' "eternal night black" is hilarious.
Posted by: Haplo at August 25, 2005 12:59 AM
Ouch, ouch, ouch... I felt that beaning from halfway up the second deck last night! There were little birdies chirping over his head for a good two innings after that. Props to Mr. Redmond for toughing it out!
The power of Gwynn compels you... Chacaron!
Posted by: let's go mets at August 25, 2005 07:11 AMDear Joe Mays:
Please, never do that again. That was painful to watch.
Sincerely,
TiB
Dear Gardy:
It's time to give Baker or Liriano a shot. They could complete this rotation and make it into a force never seen before.
Sincerely,
TiB
Well, as much as I would have loved to see the twins sweep the bitchsox for the rest of the year, I knew in the back of my head that it would be unlikely. If they can keep last week going there's still a good shot at some october baseball.
Who wants to spike Buehrle's water bottle with holy water the next time he pitches. That would serve him right. The Power of Christ Compells You!
And a nice hit by LNP, he kept the rally alive, though I dont quite know what Lew and Cuddles were thinking on those balls they hit. Hermanson looked mortal once again. We could have gotten him.
Posted by: TwinsinBoston at August 25, 2005 07:25 AMWould casting cleansing spells be in Lewww's department? I mean I'm sure his level 6 mage could handle it without a problem. If I remember correctly he is +10 to restoring lost auras.
*runs off to find his D&D manual*
Posted by: TwinsFoghorn at August 25, 2005 08:16 AMWow, guys. First HooliganKat loves Waylon, then Jaer makes a Wheel of Time reference. If you guys keep this up, I may have to move back to Minnesota...
Posted by: cubsfan36 at August 25, 2005 08:50 AMOh, and don't worry about Daniel. We know where he lives, and he will be taken care of. Let's just say it's going to involve a loooooooooot of taped open earholes and the mellifluous sounds of old school Chip Caray/Joe Carter broadcasts.
Posted by: cubsfan36 at August 25, 2005 08:51 AMTiB, i agree about Hermanson. i've been saying for a month that he's garbage and he's due to implode. he's imploded the last 2 times against the Twins by giving up homers.
i also agree with you about at least giving Baker a shot full time (i think, after last night, everyone agrees). what else does he have to do to prove he's worth much more than Mays?
another thing, and this may be directed at TR. what's the deal with not being able to cut bait with non-producing players? mays is the latest example, but rivas was a glaring example this summer. that guy chapped my hide, but the twins just wouldnt let him go. when he finally got an extra base hit just before the break i was upset, becauase i figured that he would get to stick around longer because of his "hot hitting".
anyway, it riles me up because we see how well Seattle is handling their young pitching prospect and, frankly, it makes me jealous. i have the feeling that Liriano would be just at good. we will have to see when the Sept. callups come up.
Maybe I'm a softie - I just feel bad for Joe - I know it's we're trying to win too but they are human too -
Quotes from Joe - He feels pretty bad himself -
"I don't blame them. I'd boo myself right now, too," said Mays, who walked one batter but did not record a strikeout. "I haven't done my job. I pretty much stunk the past 2 1/2 months."
The thing is, the team is in a race," said Mays, who is in the final year of a four-year contract paying him $7.25 million this season. The club holds an $8.5 million option for 2006 with a $500,000 buyout. "They have to do whatever is in the best interest of the team. You just have to swallow your pride and know that it's in the best interest of the team."
WW
Dear Gardy: how many more of these starts by joe mays will it take before you realize that he cannot pitch in the majors this year without being horrible?
well, better luck today, hopefully, as i am going to see the jackal!
Posted by: Hannah! at August 25, 2005 09:34 AMDid anyone check Buerhle to make sure he's not wearing any extra jewelry lately? I'm becoming suspicious that George has distributed the nine Rings of Power in a bid to destroy Central Earth. Buerhle is slowly passing into the shadow world and becoming a wraith.
:I was going to make a reference to HP6 until I remembered BG hasn't read it yet and would be very upset:
Posted by: Saajak at August 25, 2005 09:48 AMMy question is this? Will Judy Garland be pitching in her Ruby Slippers today? Because we know Silva & Gold beats rubies hands down!
Posted by: jill at August 25, 2005 09:54 AMDoes anyone in this esteemed assemblage know if there are sad, pathetic, desperate Twins fans who go to White Sox sites and make ludicrous, crass comments about Sox players and supporters the way sad, pathetic, desperate White Sox fans come to this site and make ludicrous, crass comments about Twins players and supporters? As an all-too-loyal Twins fan, I hope not - we may not win the division this year, but I'd very much like us to maintain our very decided air of moral superiority. But I guess when your team is in the midst of a potentially epic late-season swoon and you're sweating profusely, you start doing crap like going to Twins websites and taking shots at your arch-rivals, eh, Daniel? If we lived in Chicago, we'd be...well, stupid.
Posted by: adidasman at August 25, 2005 10:01 AMone last post for the day. i read somewhere earlier this year (a LaVelle article in the Strib, i think) that Gardy had to choose between keeping LeCroy and Restovich when they left Ft. Myers. with all the injuries in the outfield, is anyone missing Resto now?
this year he's got a .324 OBP and .746 OPS, albeit in only 102 ABs.
OK, i admit, i just looked up LeCroy's stats and he's got a .854 OPS and 14 HRs. but he's still slow.
WOW...
No color in his skin and it's obvious no soul in those eyes.
TeeNutts:
After they way young Abernathy played in Left last night when we needed an outfield, I am perfectly happy with keeping LeCroy over Restovich. He made some amazing plays last night, leading me to believe that we might have a utility infielder in LNP and a full utility player an Abernathy. A few of those gap shots may not have fallen in with the Soul Patrol, but I have to believe that the Polka Patrol is preforming much better than anyone expected.
My friends,
Sacky's "duuuuuuude, lighten up," was the best response possible to Daniel's post. Let us leave it at that.
Sincerely,
BG
You may not see it here, but there are many times where I have thought that Buerhle looks like a young Bill Clinton.
I think I have said enough...
Posted by: kojak at August 25, 2005 11:39 AMReading this all again, and reading through the comments, I can't believe no one commented on this:
"Yes. And—" he pointed out to the field. "A.J.?"
"Why—" Redmond gasped appreciatively "—he looks like a pansy!"
A pansy indeed. Sometimes I miss you, AJ, but you're still a Bitch Sock.
How does one go about selling their soul? I could really go for a burrito right now...
I gotta find Buehrle and ask him.
Posted by: brent at August 25, 2005 12:14 PMMessage to Danny from an old school Sox Fan ---
CHILL OUT!!!
That's. Just. Scary.
Posted by: Stacy at August 25, 2005 12:30 PMBrent,
There is no need to go to such drastic measures merely for a burrito.
I think Satan does Daily Rentals.
Posted by: kojak at August 25, 2005 12:43 PMbrent-
I posted above the further evidence of who/what Buerhle sold his soul to.
Click my name.
Posted by: Eric at August 25, 2005 01:08 PMAs a nonTwins person I am wondering about something, why doesn't Radke pitch the day after Santana ? This Mays guy doesn't sound very good how did he get to be your #2 ?
Posted by: mike at August 25, 2005 01:24 PMDear Mr. Mike,
Mays is #5, it's just the schedule got confused when someone had to skip a start or got injured or something. BG can't remember. Radke is actually #1, Santana #2.
Unhelpfully,
BG
Maybe Gardy should like skip him a fe times and get the pitching reset
Posted by: mike at August 25, 2005 01:41 PMTwins notes today indicate Mays could be relinquished to the bullpen as soon as Sunday. Not a bad move. It should have happened quite some time ago.
Posted by: anothertwinsfan at August 25, 2005 01:54 PMOK, you could argue this a bit, but I have to second BG's explanation.
Radke started the first game of the year, and Santana the second. In that sense they are the no. 1 & no. 2 starters.
Mays started the season as the Twins' fifth starter. For whatever reason he is now in the #3 position. In no sense is he the #2 starter.
Clarifyingly (?),
Smitty
I'm just baffled that one of the top 5 pitchers in the entire league is your #2 and not your #1. Hell since Santana is only your #2 I think we could give you Tony Womack and Carl Pavano for him.
Posted by: mike at August 25, 2005 02:56 PMDear Mike,
No. No offer you can make will ever be good enough for Johan K. Santana. It is time to chase a new dream.
Isn't it kind of silly to get hung up on what position in the rotation a pitcher is? The fifth starter position is significant because that's the one that potentially gets skipped on off days, etc. But since the teams' schedules don't all line up and your #1 starter doesn't necessarily face their #1 starter, what the hell difference does it really make whether someone is one, two, or three? Aren't there usually a fair number of teams where their "No. 1" pitcher is not necessarily their best pitcher (couldn't you in fact say that about the Bitch Sox)?
...creepy...
Posted by: Mrs Mauer at August 25, 2005 03:26 PMExcellent point, Word Smith. One could make a case for any Sox starter being number 1 given the appropriate situation. Garland vs. Oakland, Garcia on the road, Contreras against the Yankees, El Duque in October...
Posted by: kojak at August 25, 2005 03:27 PMWS
You really do want to match your best pitchers up with the either teams best pitchers. I know Garland and Santana didn't face each other but Freddie is pretty good aswell.
The job of the manager is to put the team in the best position to win every game, and that includes who pitches against who.
Posted by: mike at August 25, 2005 03:29 PMOK, we shouldn't use this as a place to continue this discussion, so I'm going to drop it. But my point was that while of course you want to pit your best pitcher against their best pitcher, making someone your #1 doesn't guarantee that anyway. Today, for example, the Sox were playing their 124th game and we were playing our 127th (or something like that) so our #1s weren't going to face each other regardless of who they were. The only day you're guaranteed your #1 is facing their #1 is Opening Day.
To be honest most teams reset their rotation after the allstar break, But I will also discontinue the discussion
Posted by: mike at August 25, 2005 04:06 PMAwesome. I commented to my friends a few weeks ago that Buehrle's headshot made him look like a vampire, glad it's not just me! Anyone know if he's pitched any day games this season? Does he own stock in a sunscreen company?
makes you wonder ....
Posted by: jenninseattle at August 25, 2005 04:52 PMOh, I dunno. Do you think someone who had irrevocably lost his soul would still have the whimsy to do this?
http://editorial.gettyimages.com/source/search/FrameSet.aspx?s=ImagesSearchState%7c0%7c0%7c28%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c1%7c8%2f26%2f2005%7c8%2f25%2f2004%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c2%7cbuehrle+and+tarp%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0%7c0&p=2&tag=1
Jenninseattle, Buehrle has pitched quite a few day games this year. For example, he beat Cleveland 1-0 on Opening Day, a day game. He also beat Seattle 2-1 in a day game that lasted 1:39.
Posted by: DJ at August 26, 2005 08:48 AMHmmm, that does explain his remarkable turnaround during last season. I wonder if selling your soul is banned by MLB?
Posted by: Texsox at August 27, 2005 07:59 AM
