Twins at Yankees. Twins 7, Yankees 3.
Oh, wow. It doesn't take a lot to make Batgirl happy these days. I mean, just yesterday in the sixth inning Batgirl and the BatKitties Three let out cheers of joy that shook the whole house. Jeb came bounding upstairs—thump thump thump thump—and burst into the room. "What? What happened?"
And Batgirl turned to him, tears of joy streaking down her face. "WE GOT A HIT!" she exclaimed. "OH SWEET JESUS WE GOT A HIT!"
Jeb was, shall we say, not impressed. Some words were said that are not appropriate for a family blog. He would have been impressed, though, had he been watching the game and had spent the prior two hours in mortal terror that we'd be no-hit. Really. BatKitty 2 was so worked up that somewhere in the 5th he got the shits.
Well, there was much more cause for BatCelebration tonight, not to mention some serious BatKitty Indigestion. In the first couple innings it seemed like the Yankees were just toying with us, letting us load the bases just to throw our incredible offensive pathetic-osity in our face. Which, you know, is just mean.
But that's just the way the Yankees are. Mean. Like putting up that 150 year old pitcher against us just to taunt us. I mean, it was one thing to throw Randy Johnson at us—he's supposed to be good—but to highlight the soul-sucking impotence of our bats by pitching Al Leiter—why, that's a real low blow, Torre. A real low blow.
Leiter was particularly cruel tonight, taunting us by completely sucking. 5 I.P., 7 hits, 5 walks, a hit batter, 847 pitches—all that, and we could only manage one run off him. (Though—to be fair--it's a distinct possibility that we were still experiencing a suckover from yesterday's game.)
But you know what happens when you're mean? You get struck out by Johan Santana. And then you feel bad about yourself. And then you sit in the dugout and say, "I've just been struck out by Johan Santana, who is clearly a superior specimen of personhood than I, and it has made me re-evaluate both my actions and my motivations and my overall purpose on this earth."
And sometimes, when you're mean, you get thrown out by Torii Hunter. Like, say, in the bottom of the 3rd. There was one out and runners on first and second, and Gary "Wiggle Bat" Sheffield hit a single to centerfield. Because he's mean, Derek "Number Two" Jeter decides to try to score from second base (I mean, Derek, sweetie, we suck offensively, not defensively. Read the memos more carefully!). Torii "Sweetcheeks" Hunter makes an absolutely perfect throw to Joe "Chairman" Mauer—I mean, my god, angels wept with joy when Torii made his throw—and Jeter had to go sit on the bench and think seriously about what he did—nay, who he is.
And sometimes, when you're mean, it comes back to bite you on the ass. For the Yanks overplayed their hand tonight and the Twins came to realize the depth of their suckitude. It’s one thing to get shut down by Randy Johnson, but clearly there was a point in tonight's game where the Twins were shocked out of their dull-witted assbattery by the horror of what had proceeded earlier. There was a point where the Minnesota Twins offense stood up and decided they were going to Suck No More.
I can't say exactly what the turning point was—though it wasn't in the top of the 3rd, when Scott Ullger, acting as 3rd base coach presumably because he lost a bet, decided to send Bret Boone from first on Justin Morneau's double to left in the 3rd. Now, the ball was pretty much heading toward Posada by the time the Boone-ster rounded 3rd, and as Boone was heading home Posada grabbed the ball, recited all 17 verses of Alfred Noyes' "The Highwayman," and braced himself for impact. Boone sort of threw himself at Posada, as if a bird against a picture window, and then bounced off the Yankee's catcher, crumpling to the ground like a sparrow who had lived its last. Hunter and Jamie Burke it was not.
No, it would take a few more innings for the Twins to wake up, but you know what? Once they woke up, they woke up but good. Three runs in the seventh, two runs in the eighth, one in the ninth. And that, my friends, makes seven runs in one game. Seven runs! The crazy thing about this game was the players who were supposed to be our offense actually were. Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Torii Hunter, Shannon Stewart, Jacque Jones. They hit the ball. With runners in scoring position. They scored runs and got RBIs and—oh, it was so beautiful. Like a flower, a sunset, or a Bitch Sox loss.
The game was a little more stressful than it needed to be, and Batgirl may have wept tears of joy when Gardy brought in the Vice President to get the last out in the eighth, marking the Nathannator's first appearance before the 9th inning all season. Clearly, Gardy wanted this almost as bad as BG did.
'Til tomorrow, then, my friends, and remember sometimes when things are at their very darkest Joe Nathan strikes out A-Rod to end the game, and we can look off into the horizon and see just the faintest glimmer of light. And that, my friends, is worth celebrating.
BatNotes: Also worth celebrating-- the super-awesome Batlings who got hereby circled!
Ah. Bless the miracle of TIVO. Anychance we'll be seeing that Morneau Blast from the 9th?
Come on...you know it was pretty ;)
Posted by: Torhu at July 27, 2005 11:39 PMSo we got circled, but you couldn't see any of us?
Lovely!!!!
LOL.
Those are Kafumbly's hands, for what it's worth. Laurie is on her left as you look at it, I'm on her right, and Dr.Jane is on my right.
Posted by: NY-Brian at July 28, 2005 12:35 AMBatgirl,
You've outdone yourself with the description of Boone's "attempt" to "score" or whatever that was. Forgive my use of scare quotes.
I'm not sure if it's the mention of "The Highwayman" or the comparison of Boone to a bird throwing himself at a window which is more beautiful.
Man, that was a sad thing. Boone looked a bit embarassed or something there. On the postgame radio show, Ullger said he apologized to Boone about that and admitted he screwed up.
As for the rest of the game-- there may have been a time in the 8th inning when our TV was turned off. I think the cats bumped the power button on the remote or something, yeah, that's it. (My heart just couldn't take it).
But there was so much good! And so many people had to sit down. Whee!
hey Brian, big time buddy, big time :-)
of course if it had been on TV over here I could have seen you, I drew the line at watching it on Gameday.
is that going on your resume?
"...dull-witted assbattery..."
Oh, BG, you DO have a way with words.
Hooray for Batlings in NY!
When is Mr. Boon going to go away? Soon??
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at July 28, 2005 06:58 AMMy daughter introduced me to your site. Wow! You have a way with words that is above the rest. I now read you more then Precious does. I do have a couple of comments.
1) Brent Whoone?
2) TH grow up and stop crying, your a vet, you should be the leader on and off the field.
3) I have never read the rule that all MN Twins need to look at the first pitch.
4) And last but not least, I will always be a Twins fan!
yay yay yay! I KNEW it was you guys holding the sign. I couldn't see any of the faces...but I knew it!
What else could we ask for....Bat-lings get circled, Twins win, Doc gets a hit, we score 7 runs. This must be heaven!
The best was getting to work this morning..and my friend (a huge Y%@an*e fan) had left me a note..
"I am not trying to avoid you, I got off work early. Damn that Johan Santana!"
aahhh sweet victory!
I think it was awful nice of the Nathanest to think of A-Rod on his birthday. A nice strike-out is always a good gift.
Oh and p.s. to Justin-
Cupcake, that homerun was so hot, so was the RBI double.
Sizzlingly,
HooliganKat
May I echo Laurel!
I had to miss last night's game and I knew I would either be relieved not to endure one more painful reminder of last years play-offs, not to mention the monotony of the Twin's current suckitude, or I would rejoice without the agony of having to hold my breath all evening (We were at the Twin's win over the O's last week, and the present problem is that even when they win is so much WORK on our part to try to send ONLY positive thoughts to our batters when their infield is at double-play depth).
But I digress. I was fortunate to see the put out by Hunter on the highlight, but now feel as if I have seen the Boone/Posada incident. That is one evocative paragraph. We had such an incident this week. Unfortunately for Mr. Sparrow, one of our batkitties saw easy pickings and ran off with him. But happily, he knows not what to do with a bird so when he put him down, Mr.S flew off. I now imagine the whole incident with the sparrow wearing a little Twin's cap and a little Bret face.
Posted by: PJStP at July 28, 2005 08:08 AMWhat was with ESPN playing a happy birthday song for A-rod after the game? It made me feel a bit sick. Then I remembered that he struck out to end the game and I laughed a big laugh.
Posted by: brent at July 28, 2005 09:11 AM"The Highwayman"? Those Yankees have more culture than I had realized. I think you should be invited to assist with the play-by-play. No offense to John and Dan (who has been a bit sassy himself regarding the strikezone this past week), but it would be nice to know what's really happening. They never mention the catchers reciting poetry!
Oh--Congrats to the now-famous Kafumbly, NY-Brian, LaurieNY, and Dr.Jane!
Posted by: Just Beth at July 28, 2005 09:13 AMI think Al threw 975 pitches really he did - I'm so happy we won -
I could have knocked Jorge over -
I dislike Bret Boone so very much - always have -and always will
Ditto for Jeter
Happy Thursday
Much Love
Wonder Woman
I think Sweetcheeks needs to give Boone a lesson on how to take out a catcher.
Posted by: ndtf at July 28, 2005 09:22 AMI totally hear you on thanking the Lord 2 nights ago when GTX got a hit, lol. A HIT!
AND CONGRATS to the Batlings that got circled!!
Dear Batgirl
When your beloved Twins score 6 runs in the first inning tonight, it will not be a sign that the time of sucking is over, it will mean Kevin Brown has Ass-pitching arm.
Helpfully
mike
p.s. That Johan guy. He's pretty good.
Posted by: mike at July 28, 2005 11:31 AMDear Mike,
Apparently you missed the memo. Brown isn't pitching. Small is. I'll let you decide if that's good news or not.
Helpfully,
ndtf
I think having Bat-Kittie #3 or the Dali Lama pitching instead of Brown would be a good idea. Kevin Brown is just flat out done. I will be amazed if he can walk in 5 years.
Posted by: mike at July 28, 2005 11:54 AMDid Kevin Brown kidnap Joe Mays and sneak into his uniform ?
Posted by: mike at July 28, 2005 12:21 PMI felt sorry for Mr. Boone. I think he followed orders and then realized he was screwed. He looks like he's taking being "washed up" really hard, and is busting his butt to start over, so I vote we give him a break. He made some really nice plays out there. Defensively we were HOTT last night. Torii throwing out Jeter was the bestest EVER.
I
Posted by: Georgia Girl at July 28, 2005 01:34 PMThink I inadvertantly coded something. Wanted to give a shout-out to my sweetie, Lew: Kill the bad zombies. I miss your doubles.
Posted by: Georgia Girl at July 28, 2005 01:37 PMTwins win.
Blizzard's for everyone.
Except B-Boone gets a Dilly Bar.
For those who watched from outside Twins territory, I think kafumbly also appeared for a split second in the ESPN broadcast. Alas, I did not TiVo it, so I have no proof whatsoever.
-ex
Posted by: expatriate at July 28, 2005 06:13 PM