Twins at Yankees. Yankees 6, Twins 4.
The Scene: Batgirl's basement. Pictures of Minnesota Twins past line the walls, all framed and signed with elaborate, effusive messages to Batgirl. In one corner is a bar with the ingredients to Batgirl's special Happy Happy Fun Drink suspiciously lying out, and what looks like the passed out body of a giant mascot bear sprawled behind it. On one wall is a painting of a team portrait of the 2003 Division Champion Minnesota Twins' butts. A slightly ajar black door in the back of the basement reveals a concrete room with what looks like manacles on the wall. There is movement behind the door.
Batgirl sits in a circle in the middle of the basement with a group of men parked in folding chairs. The men all have their heads in their hands.
BG: Okay, guys, I think you know why I've called you here today.
A scream comes from the slightly ajar door. Batgirl coughs.
BG: Excuse me.
She gets up and shuts the door.
BG: Okay, anyway. Where was I?
Juan Rincon: Ms. Batgirl, you were saying that you think we know why you called us here.
BG: That's right, Juan. Does everyone know? Joa? Jesse? NoBalls? Real Deal? J.C.? Shaggy? And What's-Your-Name, the lefty that's not very good? Right, you. You know why you’re here?
Hey, guys, come to my house. I wanna talk to you a sec.
They all nod woefully.
BG: Good. I don't want to start from a negative place here. I don't think anyone needs that, do we?
They shake their heads. Jesse Crain looks around and slowly raises his hand.
BG: Jesse? You have something to say to the group?
Crain: Yes, Batgirl, um. You've got the whole bullpen here, but, um, where's Aaron?
BG: (coughing) Aaron?
Crain: Um, Aaron Fultz?
BG: Oh. Well, he'll be along in a few minutes. Don't worry about him. So, where do we want to begin. NoBalls?
Balfour: (Raising hand tentatively) Um, Batgirl, I'd actually prefer you didn't call me that. This might not have occurred to you, but it implies I have no testicles.
BG: I see. Well. Tell you what. Why don't you go out and get yourself a pair before the postseason, and then I'll stop calling you NoBalls.
Joe Roa: (Chuckles)
BG: (Turns around, glares at Roa) Do you have something to say, Blow-a? No? Gardy's been so desperate he used Fultzie in the ninth today. Did you notice who he didn't use?
Roa: Actually, I think I was gonna--
BG: SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES! (Pauses. Smiles.) Okay, now, I'd like you all to go around the room and tell me what's on your mind. Just, you know, whatever.
Another scream comes from the back room. Everyone jumps.
Crain: (Rather high-pitched) I'd really like to know where Fultzie is.
BG: (Glaring) Really, I don't think you would.
Crain: (Quickly) Okay.
BG: (Smiling again) NoBalls, why don't you start?
Balfour: Well, I guess today wasn't my best day.
BG: No, your best day was when you walked four batters in a row a couple months ago. Giving up a solo homer to Godzilla then putting two on with no out in the seventh and making Gardy bring in Juan, that was about average for you lately.
Juan: (Raising hand.) It's okay, Batgirl. I didn't mind. I got them out.
Batgirl: No, Juan, no, it's not okay. Because you're the only person we have who doesn't suck. Right? Right? And you can't pitch every game, can you? How did it go for you during the doubleheader?
Juan: Um…
Batgirl: That's right. Do you like coming on with runners on first and third in the seventh?
Juan: Well, I don't—
Batgirl: I don't think you do. I don't think you liked it at all. I think if you liked it, the Yankees wouldn't have scored four runs that inning.
Juan: I'm scared.
Batgirl: Well, you better be scared. All of you better be scared. Because we're not pussyfooting around anymore. This aint four square, boys, and we sure aren't having a tea party. It was all cute during the sucking-time when you guys couldn't get it together, but then you were fantastic, do you remember that? Wasn't that fun? Wasn't it fun to be fantastic? Hey, JC, you remember when you didn't suck?
JC: (Small voice) Yes.
BG: And you know how you suck now?
JC: Yes.
BG: Which was more fun?
JC: The not-sucking.
BG: That's right. That's right, gentlemen. The not-sucking. The not-sucking is more fun. And fun is good. We like fun. Fun is dancing around your clubhouse drenched in champagne and smacking other men on the ass. That's fun. Do you know what's not fun? ...Do you? Not fun is watching the other team turn you over on their knee and spank you in the late innings. That's not fun. Is it?
JC: (Weakly) No.
BG: Do you know what else isn't fun? JC, you were there when the Yankees beat us last year. And the Angels the year before. You watched them celebrate in front of your face. And how was that?
JC: Not fun.
Batgirl: Exactly. Exactly. Not fun. And that's what you guys are. A whole mess of not fun.
Joe Nathan: Hey, Batgirl? Why I am here?
Batgirl: God, I don't know. Go out, buy yourself something nice. Here's a 20!
Joe Nathan: Thanks, Batgirl. You're the best.
BG: Sure thing, Joe! Love ya! Anyway, where was I?
Crain: (Quietly) Batgirl, um, I think I've actually done a pretty good job lately.
BG: I don't care, rookie. Your facial hair makes you look like an idiot. Shut up and listen to me. Now, you guys, Batgirl wants this. She wants this bad. She wants the ring. And in order for Batgirl to get that ring, she's going to need you to step up. And that means you, NoBalls. And you, JC. Oh, not you, Whats-Your-Name, you won't be here. But the rest of you, that means you've got to pitch solid innings and let poor BooBerry here do his job, which is to come in in the eighth and make everyone sit down. BooBerry can't take another game like Wednesday. He's very psychologically fragile.
Juan: No, Batgirl, I'm fine, really—
BG: SHUT UP! You'll be fine when I tell you you're fine.
The black door in the back opens. Aaron Fultz comes tumbling out of the room. He looks a little worse for wear. Batgirl's beloved sister-in-law, Sooz, comes out dressed entirely in black leather.
Sooz: Hey, JC? Can I talk to you for a minute?
JC looks at Batgirl. Batgirl raises her eyebrow. JC slumps in his chair.
JC: (Meekly) Yes.
He gets up and heads into the room with the black door. Sooz follows, and shuts the door behind her.
BG: Okay, guys, so what we are we going to do?
The pitchers look at each other helplessly.
BG: NoBalls? What are we going to do.
Balfour: Not suck?
BG: That's right. We're not going to suck. We're going to do really well these next three games. We're going to show poor Gardy that his faith in us is deserved. We're going to get our heads out of our collective heinies and be the pitchers we can be. And we're going to go into the postseason, and we're going to continue to not suck all the way to the World Series. You hear me?
All: Yes Batgirl.
BG: Louder!
All: Yes, Batgirl!
BG: Okay, good. Now, somebody help me wake up TC Bear.
Batgirl,
love you, love your site. I'm strangely attracted to dark side though.
love,
jisto
Posted by: jisto at September 30, 2004 11:52 PMHOLY CRAP! My mouth is permanently molded in a smile! I can't stop laughing! Once again, batgirl proves that she is the master!
Posted by: Stacy at September 30, 2004 11:53 PM_your_ dark side. Not the dark side, evil empire style.
Posted by: jisto at September 30, 2004 11:53 PMHey BatGirl, I hate to be the one who breaks it to you but I have proven through statistics that there is a 100% chance that JC will suck in every game.
Here's a link: http://wyoung.net/twins/index.php?m=20040930
Posted by: Will at October 1, 2004 12:18 AMI love it. I shall have either good or disturbing dreams tonight.
Posted by: IcePhoenix at October 1, 2004 01:17 AMSince I'm unfortunately missing the prescription-drug components of Happy Happy Fun Drinks, I look to Batgirl to provide me with the mood-booster I need at 2 am. Tonight's episode definitely helped me feel better after these long nights of missing Twins games to study... all in hopes of avoiding getting turned over my Immunology test's knee and getting spanked in the late innings... i mean, early innings, like at 8 am. So thanks, BG!
Posted by: aussie at October 1, 2004 01:50 AMBatgirl, I do not have words to describe how happy I am you are you. You are amazing. Without you, I would be lost.
TBird
I'm glad i didn't have to hear the end as 'cco cut to the debate. Jane called with updates. Good news- bad news - repeat. This intervention was what i was hoping to find here along with news that Batmom would be the new lefthanded reliever. Mike.
Posted by: Mike&Jane at October 1, 2004 04:07 AM"Thats right gentleman. The not-sucking. The not-sucking is more fun"
HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! How do you do it?
Posted by: Sasha at October 1, 2004 05:46 AMThat was faboolous!
Thanks for not coming down too hard on Boo - you're right he can't pitch everyday - he was the only one that did not suck -
Again - I love you BOO!!
Batgirl - do you think JC would not suck so much if he went out with a full stomach of Happy Fun Drink?!?!?
Much Love -
Wonder Woman
FINALLY someone sits the bullpen down and yells at them. (I'm glad Gardy finally learned his lesson: If JC gives up a home run, and then gives up a hit/walk, he's just not going to get out of it by himself). (He of the Unfortuante Last Name I still had a little faith in, but I was happy when Gardy lifted him anyway; but I did question bringing in Fultz...unless it was to keep Boo from wearing himself out before the postseason.)
I'm curious, though, as to why the Nathanest of Joes got to leave, but Boo had to sit through it. Was that just to make the other guys feel bad for making him work?
Side note: As an underdog fan, I'm championing Bradke. If Lyle Kohse got eight wins this year...shouldn't Bradke have more than eleven?
Beth
Posted by: Just Beth at October 1, 2004 07:59 AM>>Sooz, comes out dressed entirely in black leather.
Um ... is it wrong that this doesn't sound so bad?
We are in BIG trouble if this keeps up. I had to leave the house last night. I made a few rounds of the lake before it was all over. If the starters don't have any confidence in the 'pen, that's going to add that much pressure to them and could lead to more sucking all the way through the game. Batgirl? I'm scared.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at October 1, 2004 08:04 AMAh Batgirl, what can be said about your comic genious that has not been said already? Another classic blog!
I just checked Northwest Airlines home page. They have multiple daily flights to Rochester each day. I say we send JC on one today. He can find some little leaguers to practice against and than come back Tuesday. It worked once, maybe it will work again?
I know the bullpen had Monday and Tuesday off to rest, but isn't Gardy creating his own monster? By refusing to play the starters any longer than 5 innings he is relying more on the bullpen to get outs. Yeah the bullpen is sucking, but in part I think Gardy has set them up to be under more stress for the sake of saving his starters. With Santana and Radke given freedom next week the bullpen might only need to make 9 outs in the first 2 games combined(and 6 of those might belong to Nathan). Maybe I am being overly optimistic, but I think the bullpen will be fine when we let them back into their normal role. But having said that, Batgirl's "talk" could not have hurt either!! :)
Batgirl, this is as good as it gets. But I say that every time I read your stuff and every time I love it more! Great work!
Posted by: Seth at October 1, 2004 08:57 AMThe Strib reports that Bobby Cuellar, pitching coach at Rochester, is being brought in to help Romero again. But, Soccerfan, I think in the playoffs, not having a reliable bullpen will hurt us more than ever. Mostly because, even in a short series, you don't really want your #1 and #2 pitchers going 8 innings. They need to have something left for games 4 and 5 and for the next round. As we saw this series, it isn't enough that the starter leave the bullpen with a lead. Not against the Yankees. The only time the Yankees led in this last game was when it counted. We have to be able to shut down the late innings.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at October 1, 2004 08:58 AMI think big "Sit Down Bitch" props need to go out to the Queens of Bitch themselves, the Bitch Sox. They clinched at least a .500 record last night! Grats!
Posted by: soccerfan at October 1, 2004 09:08 AMMy poor kitties. They were comfortably snoozing away on my lap as we happily listened to the first few innings, we even high fived after Dr. Morneau's homer. Then it all went terribly awry. The kitties ran scrurrying for the furthest spot under the bed. They had not seen this type of rage from their mommy. Words were said that I won't take back(something to the effect that JC can ship his ass to NY and play if he wants them to win so bad). All in all though I'm glad someone had a nice "chat" with the boys of the bullpen. They keep this up and they'll all have pink Barbie backpacks stapled to their asses.
Posted by: HooliganKat at October 1, 2004 09:09 AMOk, I know this isn't about the Twins, but it is about baseball. Is it just me, or is there not really much media hype about Ichiro breaking Sisler's record? I would think one of those games would be on TV just to see it. Go Ichiro! Although, I've heard more than one person say they hope he doesn't break it. And it was implied because he's Japanese, I think. I don't know.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at October 1, 2004 09:09 AMWell done, BatGirl. Now, can you or Sooz drag the young guns into the back room there and take care of that little shaving matter? I think the law should be laid down: clean-shaven for the playoffs. Of course, there will be some notable exceptions:
Radke's manly stubble: because he's earned it.
JKS's goatee: very presidential.
Joe Nathan: just because he is the Nathanator.
Anyone over 40 is old enough to make their own facial hair choices.
Likewise Koskie, Hunter, Stewart, and Jones, all of whom I trust to make the right decision.
I guess you also have to "grandfather" in Guzman and Rivas, although the trust factor really isn't there.
I guess what I'm really saying is, no facial wisps or stubble if you started the season in Triple-A. Or if you are Lyle Kohse.
Smitty
Posted by: Word Smith at October 1, 2004 10:09 AMSo beautiful, I almost want to cry. Batgirl, you've changed my life! :) And did anyone notice the Good Doctor has finally given up on his facial...mess? Good boy Justin, your a good "boyfriend."
Posted by: ForMorneau at October 1, 2004 10:44 AMDid anyone notice last night that Lew and Morneau had shaved?
Posted by: mmmarkiep at October 1, 2004 10:44 AMReminds me of a funny story, even though Yankee related:
A couple of years ago, Luis Sojo was in the midst of a bad day, when, during his fourth at-bat, the TV network displayed this graphic:
Luis Sojo
Strike out, Fly out, Shaved, Ground out.
They showed pictures of his last at-bat and indeed, between innings had gotten a quick shave.
Too funny.
YankeeFan
Batgirl, I'm so relieved to know that you are still among the sighted. What with that whole knitting needles nearing your eyes thing from back during the sucking time, I was afraid you'd blinded yourself during that game.
I nearly did.
The good news, of course, is that Lew and the Doctor are once again clean-shaven, so all is not lost. Of course I noticed, and I did a little happy dance. But that was before Romero and Blow-ah (hee) and all of that. I stopped dancing before long.
And do any of you know anyone who might be willing and able to help me out with making Hideki Matsui... uh... disappear? Just, you know, for a LITTLE while?
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at October 1, 2004 12:13 PMHideki Matsui-HMPF!I'll take care of him, however it might not be temporary.
Posted by: HooliganKat at October 1, 2004 12:23 PM
SOLVED!
JC was too busy shaving the doctor and Lew. He IS the official team barber afterall. He was up for the past 2 weeks thinking about what to do about that hideous mess of the doctor's face, which obviously made him tired and fragile...and, well, sucky at pitching. Now that the problem is taken care of, he can get back to his real business...trying to pitch.
Posted by: Stacy at October 1, 2004 12:25 PM"Ok, I know this isn't about the Twins, but it is about baseball. Is it just me, or is there not really much media hype about Ichiro breaking Sisler's record?"
Not only has this record stood for 84 years, but no one has even cracked the top ten in 74 years. What Ichiro is doing is crazy.
Posted by: Will at October 1, 2004 12:31 PMLOL HAHAHA STACY YOU CRACK ME UP!!!
(AND YOU TOO BATGIRL!!! FUNNIEST THING EVER)
Posted by: Sasha at October 1, 2004 12:33 PMI, ummm...ahem.
I actually like the facial hair on Crain. It makes him look, well, not twelve.
Posted by: infield at October 1, 2004 12:46 PMLove the Sojo story! (Actually, you just gotta love Sojo.)
Thanks to all for the reassuring news on the facial hair matter. I listened to the game on the radio so didn't know about the latest welcome developments.
I know the whole point is to look not-12. But all you end up doing is looking 12 and hairy, which is just... creepy.
Is it just me, or does Sooz look, well, a little too gleeful about the punishment she's about to dish out?
Posted by: Skorch at October 1, 2004 03:55 PMMaybe that's a grimace. I've heard leather chafes.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at October 1, 2004 04:35 PMSooz looks like a woman who would enjoy a spa and make-over. Black leather, whips & chains? I dunno if I buy that.
Posted by: frightwig at October 2, 2004 01:05 AMOh, frightwig, it's the quiet ones you have to worry about. One minute you're admiring her scrapbook abilities, the next, you're wearing a saddle, ball gag, and being prodded along with a riding crop. Um... so I've heard.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at October 4, 2004 09:40 AM