Twins at Cleveland. Toons 9, Twins 7.
You've got to hand it to a guy who, upon getting drafted in the second round when he was 18, declared himself "The Real Deal." I mean, that takes chutzpah. Batgirl tried it; she called up Goober and told him, "From now on, I'd like to be called 'The Real Deal.'" Goober said, "How about 'The Real Dork?'" Batgirl sighed, then told the BatKitties, "BatKitties, from now on I'd like to be known as 'The Real Deal,'" and the BatKitties turned away and murmured something disdainful in their secret BatKitty language. She went over to Jeb and told him, "Jeb, from now on, I'd like to be known as 'The Real Deal,'" and he squinted at her, frowned, then proclaimed, "Wife! Make me some pie!"
Okay, no he didn't. Jeb would never say anything like that, despite his incredible fondness for pie. Particularly cherry, though, really, he'll be happy with whatever. The point is, it takes a special kind of person to proclaim himself "The Real Deal," and an even special-er one to make the name stick for four years without once getting beaten up. Why, he's come all the way to the bigs and as far as Batgirl can tell, no one's taken a sock at him.
Though he has flirted with danger. When he came up this September, he sauntered up to the bullpen and reintroduced himself to catcher Henry Blanco, who was trimming his many calluses with his trusty six-inch knife.
"Excuse me, Mr. Blanco?" said J.D. Hello, Mr. Blanco, I'm J.D. Durbin, you might remember me from Spring Training?"
"Sure," Blanco said, not looking up. "You're The Real Deal."
"That's right, I am. But you can just call me J.D."
"Gee, thanks, kid," said Blanco.
"No problem," said J.D.
"I've got a nickname, too," said Blanco.
"I know!" said J.D. "Mango Face!"
Blanco looked up, and held out his knife. It gleamed in the sunlight Dome light. His eyes glinted like steel. "Don't," he said through clenched teeth, "call me Mango Face."
Does calling yourself the Real Deal make it so? It didn't so much today, unless being the Real Deal means walking everyone and their mother. It's one thing to walk Matt Lawton, but it's really embarrassing when you turn around and walk his mom. She's not even on the 40-mom roster. They had to put Casey Blake's mom on waivers (she got claimed by the KC Royals, which super-bummed out Casey) and then moved Mrs. Riske down to AAA Momville, all to make room for Mrs. Lawton so The Real Deal could walk her. Which he promptly did.
Batgirl always appreciates optimism and confidence—as long as its earned—and TRD has certainly earned it in his minor league career. She worries, though, that his call-up will start a rampant series of hopeful self-nicknaming amongst the Twins. Speedy McBlanco. The Lohsest with the Mostest. Nicky the Giant Man. Justin MorFacialHair. Nubile Young Koskie. Juanna Get My Braces Off. Grant NoBalls. Batgirl can just see it now, "Hey, Real Deal, how's it hanging?"
"Just great, Grant NoBalls, how are you?"
"Pretty good. I didn't have any balls yesterday."
"Well, that's why they call you Grant NoBalls."
"I know, Real Deal. I know."
"Oh hey, Real Deal! Hey NoBalls!"
"Hey Matty LeCanCatchPeopleStealing, what's up?"
"I think I'm going to be catching for NoBalls tomorrow!"
"Wow, I bet you'll catch people stealing!"
"Naw, there isn't going to be anyone on base, thanks to good ol' Grant NoBalls."
"Ha! Ha! You're right!"
"Oh, look, it's Aaron HasAFutureInATwinsUniform. Hi Aaron!"
"Hi LeCanCatchPeopleStealing, Hi Real Deal, Hi NoBalls!"
"Hey, Real Deal, who's that over there?"
"Where, NoBalls?"
"Over there. In the clubhouse. About yay high. Beard. Venezuelian."
"I don't know. Maybe that's Johan K. Santana?"
"Hmmm…Johan K. Santana? Why do they call him that?"
"Beats me, NoBalls. Beats me."
Meanwhile, call Batgirl "Batgirl von LookingForwardToSeeingJohanPitchTomorrow." And that, my friends, is a nickname we can all support.
Posted by Batgirl at September 23, 2004 08:50 PMDearest BatGirl -
heeheeheeheeeeeee
{Blanco looked up, and held out his knife. It gleamed in the sunlight Dome light. His eyes glinted like steel. "Don't," he said through clenched teeth, "call me Mango Face."} - I'm picturing Henry in an old Clint Eastwood movie - something like, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
I suppose you noticed when you abbreviated The Real Deal as TRD - it was pretty close to turd - which was pretty much how he pitched tonight - I hope he works things out in winter ball.
Time to turn in -
Much Love - and - Peace,
Wonder Woman
Posted by: Wonder Woman at September 23, 2004 09:26 PMAhh, cherry pie--good choice Jeb.
My mom made the best cherry pie before her tree died, but I finally found a second best
http://www.spoon.com/recipe/CherPie.html
This pie is so good you might get to be called the Real Deal after all.
Posted by: Sandee at September 23, 2004 09:43 PMAaron IhaveafutureinaTwinsuniform. Maybe my favorite. During the sucking time, my friend and I developed a drinking game for watching Twins game. Any time Aaron entered the game, you finished your drink. Then you finished the next one and so on until he left the game. It was the only way we could survive. Now, it's just a fond memory b/c the sucking time is over...though winning again would be kinda cool.
-TBird
Today's pitching spectacular reminded me of days before the Twins we know and love. Before Boo Berry, the Bionic Corey Koskie...this is even back to a time before Gardy was just a little coach under Tom Kelly. Back in the before time, in the long, long ago. There were a few games where they asked a Danny Gladden to pitch. I thought maybe today Danny went out there pretending to be JD Durbin or Aaron HasAFutureINATwinsUniform. I love the boys and I love the pitchers, but what happened? Is everyone still hungover after a "We just got a Threepeat!" party? Or are they just taking it easy and not pushing themselves until the post-season play comes along?
The Voice Of Reason doesn't get it.
This has to be in the top 5 funniest bat-girl's ever. Im wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes as we speak.
Posted by: Sasha at September 23, 2004 09:50 PMPlease tell me that Aaron "I Have a future in a Twins uniform and I get to pitch in the playoffs" Fultz won't actually BE pitching in the playoffs.
Please?? Somebody??
Posted by: bubblemint at September 23, 2004 09:51 PMOKAY, Batgirl. Sasha and I were having an AIM convo about your past entry and I thought it would show you just how much we love your site:
oxo hunterz joy: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
oxo hunterz joy: BATGIRL IS SOOO FUNNY TONITE
stacylynnaiken: I HAVE NOT READ IT YET! I AM SUCH A BAD FAN! haha
oxo hunterz joy: lol
oxo hunterz joy: the nicknames are hilarious
oxo hunterz joy: READ!
stacylynnaiken: *goes there*
stacylynnaiken: did you read about Torii in yesterday's?
oxo hunterz joy: lol
oxo hunterz joy: yeahhh!
oxo hunterz joy: they were talking about him being the new kirby puckett
oxo hunterz joy: and the leader and stuff
oxo hunterz joy: i was like "niiice"
stacylynnaiken: yeah..not even funny
stacylynnaiken: just nice
stacylynnaiken: and true
oxo hunterz joy: im assuming u didnt get to the pie part yet...its the funniest
stacylynnaiken: LMFAO SASHA!!!!!!!!!!
oxo hunterz joy: lol
stacylynnaiken: JUSTIN MORFACIAL HAIR?!?! OMG! ROFL!
oxo hunterz joy: lol
oxo hunterz joy: i AM CRACKIN UP RIGHT NOW
oxo hunterz joy: prolly in the top 3 funniest bat-girls ever
stacylynnaiken: I HAVE TEARS!!!!!!!!!
oxo hunterz joy: i KNOW me tooo!!!
stacylynnaiken: Grant NoBalls
stacylynnaiken: OMG! LOL!
oxo hunterz joy: lol
oxo hunterz joy: haha
stacylynnaiken: BATGIRL IS MY PRESIDENT!!!!!!
stacylynnaiken: well...besides Johan K. and the Nathanest
oxo hunterz joy: she would be if i hadnt already devoted myself to Santana
oxo hunterz joy: exactly
oxo hunterz joy: it was SO hilarious
stacylynnaiken: WIFE! MAKE ME SOME PIE! HAHA, CLASSIC!
oxo hunterz joy: LOL
oxo hunterz joy: oh my god
oxo hunterz joy: funniest thing ever
stacylynnaiken: and that whole part on Jeb and pies
oxo hunterz joy: lol
stacylynnaiken: MAN! she's too funny
stacylynnaiken: if i were that funny...man, i would love myself, haha
oxo hunterz joy: lol
oxo hunterz joy: lmao
stacylynnaiken: SECRET BATKITTY LANGUAGE!
stacylynnaiken: OMG! HAHA!
oxo hunterz joy: hahaha
stacylynnaiken: i am reading it over again
stacylynnaiken: lol
oxo hunterz joy: ive read it like 4 times
stacylynnaiken: i can't stop! lol, i am an out of control bat-reader!
oxo hunterz joy: lol
oxo hunterz joy: i know
oxo hunterz joy: i yearn for more
oxo hunterz joy: i check the site like every 20 minutes to see if she updated
stacylynnaiken: SAME HERE! I CHECK IT BEFORE THE TWINS WEBSITE FOR NEWS!
WE LOVE BATGIRL!
Grant NoBalls.
Posted by: Biggie_Robs at September 23, 2004 10:26 PMWell that certainly wasn't very nice of Goober.
Goober, be nice to your sister. We don't call people "dorks" in this family. I don't care if she started it. I'm finishing it.
Yours in foster Bat-fatherhood,
Skorch
Dear Batgirl,
Do you know what I wonder sometimes? Why is it that you call Johan "Johan K. Santana" when, in all actuality, his middle name is Alexander?
Curiously,
The Boy Wonder
Boywonder-
Batgirl calls him Johan K. Santana because K is in fact his middle name. He sits down every bitch he sees.
-Stacy
Posted by: Stacy at September 23, 2004 11:26 PMInsanity at its finest.
Posted by: The 7th Angel at September 24, 2004 02:06 AMYesterday, someone gave me a book written by TK. Did anyone know TK wrote a book? I'm sure it contains sage wisdom like - teach your players how to count. Anyway, who knew? It's going on my bedside table next to the Marine Code of Conduct and the King James Bible. oh AND Spilling Clarence. I'll need something to read in the offseason.
Posted by: Mike&Jane at September 24, 2004 03:18 AMHilarious as usual, Batgirl, but I sorta doubt any guy would want the nickname NoBalls. :)
Posted by: Brande at September 24, 2004 07:27 AMBatGirl-
Another amazing column. It's too bad we traded away Doug NoReallyIAmAGreatHitter.
And is there anyone else shouting at the Chicago and Cleveland pitchers, "You don't walk the number nine batter who's average is under .200!!"? It's not that I'm complaining that they're helping us; it's just that it's completely illogical: they walk three people in a game and one is Henry Blanco?
And it's not the same as the Twins pitchers walking batters; they're equal-opportunity pitchers and walk everyone--and their mother. Hey, why wasn't the BatMom called to pitch to Matt Lawton's Mom?
Beth
Anxiously Awaiting Johan K...
Muy bien as usual Batgirl!
How about Nick Hobbitstuntdouble?
OUCH!
The truth does hurt.
Title of your next book, "Don't call me Mango Face."
Posted by: Me at September 24, 2004 08:26 AMMy Morning Bio class is about a bunch of stuff I already know, so I'm passing time by making up more nicknames ^_^
Luis OBPabove300
...it's too early for brain functions -_-
Posted by: IcePhoenix at September 24, 2004 08:32 AMDear Bat-girl,
It warms the cockles of Shoeless Joe's heart to see you refer to the Jndjans as the "Toons" (although it's Racist Cartoons, not Offensive Cartoons). Sox fans and Twins fans, a la the Soviets and Americans at Torgau, may have found a place to embrace.
And if I can ever cool off these cockles, I will buy you a decaffeinated espresso at Davis & Dean.
-Shoeless Joe
Posted by: Shoeless Joe at September 24, 2004 08:46 AM
I'm sorry but the best pie is in North Bend, WA at the Mar T cafe. Director David Lynch loved them so much he created the series Twin Peaks around those pies, and coffee.
Emmm, pies and coffee*
*to be said like Homer J. Simspon
Posted by: ketut at September 24, 2004 08:57 AMAnyone else want to pull out all their hair when Cleveland beats those dang drums so loud? Drives this Batling crazy!
Posted by: Stacy at September 24, 2004 09:32 AMTo be sure, a nickname like Grant StrikeThree might be more to his liking than Grant NoBalls. Or perhaps, to continue to take advantage of the first name, you could go with Grant A. Seatonthebench, or Grant A. Pathtothedugout, but those are quite long for nicknames, and shortening them leads to embarrassment (GAS or GAP, respectively).
Helpfully yours (hopefully),
YankeeFan
heheheheheh .. NoBalls.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at September 24, 2004 10:08 AMDear Jeb,
Remind me to make you a cherry pie someday.
mmmarkiep
Posted by: mmmarkiep at September 24, 2004 10:10 AMYankeeFan-
Oddly enough, my family has been calling the guy "Grant StrikeThree" (or "He of the Unfortunate Last Name") most of the year. In fact, he might be in my scorecard with both names somewhere along the line. We love his name.
It's just seems to us that He of the Unfortunate Last Name has a tendency to pitch either *really* well or *really* poorly...and we never know which it's going to be until he's faced two batters (he did have a streak of 22 for getting out the first guy he faced). And that terrifies us every time he comes out.
Beth
Posted by: Just Beth at September 24, 2004 10:56 AMBatGirl-
Just stumbled on to your site last week via Twins Geek via the Strib and have all but forgotten them already. I LOVE this site. Love the Legos, the nicknames, the biting wit, and er, the Twins butts are okay too.
And, for my first contribution... an article I found this morning. It warms the heart, really. a little love, finally. And from a former Bitch Sock no less.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBqdjIzNzFqBF9TAzk1ODYxNzc3BHNlYwNlY2w-?slug=jm-twins0923&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
Yeah - it's long, but pasting the whole story would have been longer.
Posted by: say rah at September 24, 2004 10:57 AMHow about middle names? Such as...
TC "whythehellamIa" Bear.
Posted by: roark at September 24, 2004 11:25 AMI have heard Bert and John Gordon say the Grant's name is actually pronounced - "bow-four" - they asked the Aussie himself and the "bow" is not what you would put in your hair - but as in
to bend the head, body, or knee in reverence, submission, or shame
Much Love -
Wonder Woman
Funny. Just last night I referred to Torri Hunter as Torii RBI. I mean, come on, dude -- six left on? Even Denny Hocking (sorry, Denny InvaluableAsset) would have found a ribby in there somewhere.
Posted by: Freg Nergstrom at September 24, 2004 02:14 PMFreg that was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. I hate Denny!
Posted by: Donnalove at September 25, 2004 06:01 PM