Twins at Cleveland. Cleveland 7, Twins 1.
The political climate in classical Greece was largely defined by the struggle for supremacy between two rival city-states—Athens and Sparta. Athens (hereinafter the Minnesota Twins) was renowned for its intellectual and artistic achievements, while Sparta (hereinafter called "Cleveland") was known for its military might. While Minnesota was pursuing advances in philosophy and astronomy, Cleveland was devoting itself to expanding its power. Minnesota's citizens thrived under a democracy, while Clevelanders cowered under the rule of tyrannical kings. Minnesota's youth were encouraged to become thinkers and artisans, while Cleveland's served only the state. All Minnesota children were cherished and educated with the hope that they might further advance civilization, while all Cleveland babies were examined at birth for physical fitness, and those found inferior were drowned or abandoned in the woods where they were eaten by rabid New York Mets.
Torii Hunter: Look, Matthew Lecroy, I've invented wine!
Shannon Stewart admires his pottery.
In Minnesota, boys were surrounded by literature and music from the time of their birth. Cleveland boys were taken from their parents at age seven, where they were installed in dormitories, fed rocks, and made to live without Harry Potter books; as a result, they could only converse by pointing and grunting dully.
Justin Morneau tries out his sculpting skills.
As these two city-states gained power—the Twins by forging alliances with those who admired their tremendous culture, and Cleveland by seizing it with brute animal force—they were doomed to become enemies. When the two armies met, all of the American League felt the force of the impact.
"Let's go get their book-learnin' bums!"
The resulting war lasted for 28 years. The Minnesotans fought valiantly, but were crippled by sucky starting pitching. And when they finally began to rally in the war's late innings, they were thwarted when Jacque Jones's two-run homer was ruled a double. The grunting, mouth-breathing, military might of Cleveland was just too much.
Ben Broussard pokes Lew Ford in the eye.
But our modern version of the war is not over...far from it. And we can certainly look to history to be our comfort: while, in Greece, the Spartans triumphed over Athens, they grew over-eager in the exercise of their power and the Athenians and most of Greece's other city-states revolted. Now, classical Athens is revered as the crucible of civilization, while Sparta is best remembered for being destroyed by the Visigoths in the 1997 World Series.
Posted by Batgirl at August 14, 2004 09:33 PMAs a classics major, I approve of your interpretation of history, though TECHNICALLY the Peloponnesian War is a periodization of the time...in actuality it was a series of wars (Archidamian War, Sicilian Expedition, Aegean War, the Last Years, and the Corinthian War)...xaire Batgirl!
Posted by: Andrew at August 14, 2004 09:48 PMBut no bronze bats. Or brass balls. Our boys are firmly ensconced in the Wood Age.
Posted by: Brande at August 14, 2004 10:00 PMAstute observation, Brande.
Anyhow, I do have some good news...
My Twins team on MVP 2004 for the PS2 is currently 76-11 at the all-star break, so things are bound to turn around soon.
I also saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to... oh, to hell with it.
At least there's a midnight showing of "Rushmore" tonight. That should help remove the sting assuming I can stay awake after driving to Wisconsin to help a friend move today.
Posted by: Skorch at August 14, 2004 10:04 PMBTW, Bat-girl... loved the pottery interpretations. That Broussard is such a bully.
Posted by: Skorch at August 14, 2004 10:06 PMThat Jones ball was...UP...AND GOOOONE! A home run for Jacque Jones!
Posted by: Stacy at August 14, 2004 10:15 PMYou know, that is actually totally wrong Batgirl.
I feel strongly though our hacktastic team of Minnesota = Athens, while White Sox = Sparta (emphasis and slugger culture)
...but Cleveland... Cleveland is Macedonia and Omar Vizquel or maybe CC Sabathia is Alexander. Eric Wedge is Aristotle. Thus since Athens and Sparta could never work together, the Great King Alexander destroyed them all.
Posted by: Mimiru at August 14, 2004 10:30 PMAs a Clevelander, I was digging the metaphor... until you brought up the '97 Visigoths. That was low.
Posted by: Corey at August 15, 2004 02:08 AMHey Mr. Classics Major Andrew-
Isn't that picture of Lew Ford just a little feminine? So, Broussard is poking the eyes out of a girl? Can't find someone his own size... What a meanie!
Posted by: Penthesilea at August 15, 2004 07:08 AMI was absent the day they covered this portion of history in college so thanks for the cliff notes. I'm sure both Socrates and Plato would approve your interpretation of the times.
I believe, however, that you should have devoted some of your time yesterday to trying to counsel Kyle Loshe again. That call 2 weeks ago was good, but healing and recovery are a long painful process – even with your great powers you can’t expect to fix a guy like Kyle with one call. He needs to be reminded at least once before every start that he has been pitching like warmed over ass-crap.
I suggest this for two reasons. Yes, one if very selfish - I want my club to win some damn ball games. But the second reason is out of concern for poor little Kyle. He is going to get hurt. You just can not snap your neck around that many times and not expect it to cause some major damage. It is bad enough to just turn one’s head from home plate to the outfield upper deck but factor in the extra work of following the flight of a compacted baseball and you have a prescription for disaster. I don't know if they have a surgery to repair that kind of damage (if they do maybe they can name it after him a la Tommy John).
So its up to you Batgirl….please fix Kyle. Or, at a minimum, take up a collection to buy him some of those little mirrors that bicyclists attach to their helmets.
Anyway, I’m just glad I couldn’t see that game. This way I can pretend it didn’t really happen. Besides, without Twins baseball on TV (or on the field in Cleveland for that matter) I was able to enjoy uninterrupted coverage of the women’s three handed sailing semi-finals AND the men’s preliminary handball competition. I only hope the boys start winning some games soon because I’m having a hard time trying to wait patiently for the start of the synchronized swimming and taekwondo competitions.
Dave
You know he looked to be pitching better too. His fastball was in there for strikes at 93-95 and he looked pretty competent. In fact, Kyle hasn't given up many home runs this year until last night.
It's very sad.
Note: I have been informed that I will be given a Batgirl tote-bag soon and my little heart is all a-flutter.
Batgirl, I maybe make overuse of hyperbole, but I love you, I really do *Sniff*
Posted by: Mimiru at August 15, 2004 11:12 AMBat-Thucydides,
I must agree with Mimiru that the White Sox make much better Spartans. If the Indians truly represent the Macedonians, then they will unfortunately last for about 300 years until Rachel Phelps commits suicide.
Posted by: Will at August 15, 2004 11:46 AMGood gravy... I go away for the week and find the Twins in a serious playoff race, with a team that was supposed to be two years away from mediocre no less. I'm glad Batgirl has kept her sense of historical perspicacity, as well as her good humor--I was a little worried that the site would yield a pitch-black screen and an audio clip of unfed cats piteously mewling of a humid, winless Twin Cities evening--but geez, this Tribe team is just not that good. (Yet.)
As a Phillies phan (and speaking of teams that utterly befouled themselves while I was away...), I ponder the irony that Jim Thome signed with our star-crossed club in December 2002 because he felt certain that the Phils would be playing meaningful games in October long before the Clevelanders next would. You wouldn't want to prove Jim wrong, would you, Twins Nation?
Posted by: jeffstoned at August 15, 2004 12:35 PMYou might be surprised how closely Moreanu is like Thome in terms of approach, ability and what kind of pitches he likes to hit vs. the kind of pitches he doesn't hit as well.
Of course, Morneau is young so it's not a perfect comparisson but there are some good paralells there.
Posted by: Mimiru at August 15, 2004 01:10 PMPenthesilea--
Yep, you're right, Batgirl has taken a vase scene from the sack of a city and turned Lew into, well, a woman.
Posted by: Andrew at August 15, 2004 02:15 PM