Twins at Montreal. Twins 6, Expos 4.
There’s something funny going on in Montreal. A once-proud baseball franchise has devolved into a bad French movie, one where everyone talks about how life is merde and then dies at the end.
The situation is deeply sad. It involves players leaving the franchise almost as quickly as fans--including Bartolo Colon, Vladimir Guerreo, and Javier Vasquez. After a Herculean effort to stay in the race last year, the owners decided that they would not pay for the Expos to call up any minor leaguers in September, shooting an injury-ravaged team in the foot. And this year the Expos have devolved into the laughing stock of baseball. (And that includes the freakin’ Devil Rays.)
Yes, there’s something rotten in the state of Canada. Something’s going on, something bent of witchcraft or sorcery or…could it be…GHOSTS? After reviewing the evidence, Team Batgirl began to wonder if the Montreal Expos were, in fact, haunted. What other explanation could there be for their collapse?
To investigate, Team Batgirl hired a crack team of supernatural detectives.
Off to Montreal, Batgirl!
The gang immediately reported that Olympic Stadium certainly sounded haunted; ghostly cries kept emanating from the stands, despite the fact that no one was there. But they could uncover no more clues, so, to really get to the bottom of what’s going on, the detectives sent their fearless leader to pose as the starting pitcher for the Minnesota Twins.
Zoinks!
Surprisingly, Shaggy wasn’t awful. He was shaky at first, giving up a lead-off walk and allowing the run to score. But he seemed to find some kind of rhythm, perhaps fueled by the twelve foot meatball sub he’d had before the game. Though it could be argued that it was further sign of the haunting of the Expos that they weren’t able to do more against someone whose primary interests are avoiding danger and snacking.
Meanwhile, the starting pitcher for the Expos seemed to haunt the Twins for the first few innings. Livan Hernandez, who at 3-6 is certainly operating under some kind of curse, shut the batters down for six innings, until Doug Mientkiewicz corked a ball in the 6th. 3-1 Expos.
In the 7th, though, the ghosts came out.
Oh Livaaan? Boo!
Hernandez was so scared he walked Michael Cuddyer then served up a gopher to pinch hitter extraordinaire Matty Go Boom. Then in the eighth he gave a single to Sacré Lew, beaned Corey Koskie, and gave up a double to Torii Hunter. It was as if he’d been possessed, and maybe he had.
The game looked to be the Expos' to win the whole time; I mean Livan Hernandez against Shaggy Guerrier? How do you lose that game? There’s something supernatural going on here.
Or is there? There’s something awfully familiar about those ghosts. During the game the rest of the detectives did some research, and they found that the cause of the Expos' woes might be quite natural.
Hey, Nice Costume, Pohlad!
You see, the Expos are owned by the owners of the other 29 teams. They bought the Expos when Selig wanted to (spit) contract the team, hoping to make a profit. But there was no contraction. Now, the owners, for some strange reason, have defunded the Expos—if one were conspiracy-minded, one might think that a)the owners don’t want to spend any money and b) they enjoy letting another team develop players and sucking them up when that team can't afford to pay anymore and c)they don’t want a competitor to be any good. They blackmailed the Expos into playing in Puerto Rico again this season, and have brushed aside several offers from interested buyers so they can keep leeching off the team. And Bud Selig has sat by and let it all happen.
That's right! And I would have gotten away with contraction, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!*
Sometimes, Shaggy, I think the owners don’t have baseball’s best interests at heart.
*Thanks to reader T&J for the better caption.
Batgirl, I think it's important, in all this Bud Selig hatred, not to lose the true point.
Bud Selig was battling for the job of Baseball Commissioner aginst another man. George W. Bush. Because Selig won, Bush having failed in yet another endevour, entered politics.
Posted by: SSJPabs at June 17, 2004 10:21 PMI'd like to give Matty Ruxbin a big hug, and then stick a tape in his belly and listen to him tell the tale of his hope-lending pinch hit home runs.
How much do sports psychologists cost? Could a dedicated corps of Twins fans scrape up enough to send Doug to one? I'm tired of Doug "pray for rain" Mientkiewicz - he's like Brett Favre when he came off the pills. Doug: I beg you... whichever wagon you dusted yourself off and hopped back onto, fall off of it. Please.
Posted by: Haplo at June 17, 2004 10:25 PMRuxpin! Yes! Big Country so looks like the talking tape-activated bear. Lets see if I can find a picture. See my link.
Posted by: amr at June 17, 2004 10:48 PMThe caption to your last picture should be "And I would have gotten away with contraction too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids, and that meddling Bat-Girl of yours."
Working Scooby Doo into your baseball analysis? This is just too good, I can't wait to show my kids, it combines two of their loves--Scooby Doo and the Twins.
Thanks Bat-Girl!
Posted by: T&J at June 18, 2004 12:22 AMSSJPabs is my hero.
Posted by: Meghan at June 18, 2004 12:37 AMToo funny, BG. My friend from Canada blames the demise of that once great country on the liberal policy and the oppressive weight of national health care. Could that be it?
Or could it be too much dooby scoo?
BB
Posted by: Blog Boy at June 18, 2004 06:13 AM
Hell, they are two of my favorites too and I'm and old fart.
Batgirl you are the best.
What Would Scooby Do?
Posted by: ketut at June 18, 2004 08:51 AMSelig is a scoundrel. Unfortunately, he's better at his schemes and machinations than any Scooby Doo bad guy ever was. Solving the mystery on that show was often easy for the young viewer, seeing as how the guilty culprit usually rubs his hands together and laughs with malevolent glee the moment he's alone. On second thought, Selig is as frank as that; we just don't have a Velma to call him out on it.
I am sad for the Expos. Growing up they held equal-standing in my eyes as my hometown Twins did. Other kids wanted to be Kirby Puckett, of course, but I wanted to be Tim Raines (without the alleged cocaine problem, that is).
Posted by: jianfu at June 18, 2004 09:55 AMTim Wallach.
Dennis Martinez.
Andre Dawson.
Warren Cromartie.
Charlie (I'm gonna be a Twin someday) Lea.
Herm Winningham
Casey Candaele
ah..le Spos de Ex of my youth. I remember thinking Stade de Olympique was actually kinda cool back then. That was before the concrete arch thing that holds the tent up started to crumble.
This is the team that gave us Jeff Reardon and Al Newman for goodness sake!
Posted by: boomer at June 18, 2004 10:19 AMCould Livan Hernandez and Nick Johnson be the 2004 version of Jeff Reardon and Al Newman?
Posted by: RonDavis at June 18, 2004 10:56 AMI think that MLB has alienated the Montreal area enough. Move the team and move it now. The sooner the recipient area gets the team, the sooner the team can rebound. Right now, I think the team feels doomed with no fans and no home. However, tell Portland or Virginia that the Expos are coming thier way, and all-a-sudden, they have new fans.
Had the Twins moved to Carolina back in the day and I knew the Expos were coming next year, I would get excited, buy an expos hat, watch all their highlights, and if I had the means, travel to see them play.
Heck, moving the Expos, if there's enough warning, could be a temporary boon to Montreal and San Juan as future fans come to see what their team looks like. Maybe the local fox sports can even start showing the games to give fans a taste of the excitement to come next year. I mean, that pitcher Hernandez looked pretty good last night.
My only hope is that they remain the expos and keep the unintelligible "elb" logo. Could a fleur-de-lis fit above the word "Virginia."
Posted by: amr at June 18, 2004 11:39 AMDear all-
While you all have been living it up in risqué Montréal, I got traded . . . . to the Marlins.
A clause in my contract requires that whatever team I get traded to cannont repeat as World Champions.
Weird, huh. I love my agent. I need new pants.
-Billy Koch
Posted by: Billy Koch at June 18, 2004 12:27 PMIt mystified me for years, too, but I believe the "elb" is actually a tri-colored script "M".
It's a fair bit harder to decipher than the "mb" on the old Brewers logo.
Posted by: Sean at June 18, 2004 12:39 PMBatgirl, you are right. It is sad what's happened up in Montreal. That was a genuine baseball city, until the strike, MLB management, and various other unfortunate and undeserved events wrecked it. Tim Raines made his name there, and if Hubey Brooks had been any good, he would have made his name there also. Further, when Rusty Greer played ball in Montreal, they called him Le Grand Orange (or however you write it in French), which is a pretty swell baseball name. But at this point, I think that team needs to be put out of its misery and sent somewhere else. I hope baseball can rise once again in Montreal, but the current team is just sad sad sad.
Two more things: (1)it was good to see Koch writing in to your blog, I wish him well in Florida, and I think his leaving will really help the Sox; and 2) how come Sox Fan's haiku didn't make it into the later rounds of the contest? It's early departure from the pool of candidates feels a little bit like that Bush v. Gore case.
Go Sox!
Posted by: Sox Fan at June 18, 2004 01:14 PMBatgirl, you are right. It is sad what's happened up in Montreal. That was a genuine baseball city, until the strike, MLB management, and various other unfortunate and undeserved events wrecked it. Tim Raines made his name there, and if Hubey Brooks had been any good, he would have made his name there also. Further, when Rusty Greer played ball in Montreal, they called him Le Grand Orange (or however you write it in French), which is a pretty swell baseball name. But at this point, I think that team needs to be put out of its misery and sent somewhere else. I hope baseball can rise once again in Montreal, but the current team is just sad sad sad.
Two more things: (1)it was good to see Koch writing in to your blog, I wish him well in Florida, and I think his leaving will really help the Sox; and 2) how come Sox Fan's haiku didn't make it into the later rounds of the contest? It's early departure from the pool of candidates feels a little bit like that Bush v. Gore case.
Go Sox!
Posted by: Sox Fan at June 18, 2004 01:14 PMIf indeed Selig is taking cues from "Scooby Doo," here's some other lessons I suggest he learn from the program:
1) When exploring the bowels of a castle--one that has presumbly been uninhabited for hundreds of years--go ahead and eat any cold cuts you may come across. No worries.
2) The ladies dig a man with a reddish dickey.
Posted by: jianfu at June 18, 2004 01:43 PM''It mystified me for years, too, but I believe the "elb" is actually a tri-colored script "M".''
I, too, wondered what "elb" had to do with Montreal. I eventually figured it out. But for some reason it has tainted their name forever in my head, as I tend to refer them as the "elbows", instead of the "expos".
Posted by: Craig in MN at June 18, 2004 01:57 PMI always thought the Spos de Ex logo said "elk", which live in northern climates. Instead of that freakish cortoon-like humanoid manifestation of a mascot they have, they should have had a moose-like critter bounding about.
And the old Brewer logo always looked like a dog paw to me. I could kind of make out the ball and glove, but still struggle to make an "mb" out of it.
Posted by: boomer at June 18, 2004 02:20 PMIf the Brewers' old logo ISN'T an "mb", then the glove is made for a person with only three fingers and a thumb on the left hand!
Posted by: Sean at June 18, 2004 02:57 PMOh Sox Fan, you know we can't ever take you seriously as long as you double post. *pats Sox Fan on back* It's okay you can try again!
Posted by: Mimiru at June 18, 2004 03:08 PMI liked the old Brewers' logo. They'd be better served returning to it, if you asked me. All they've got now is strained effort at mishmashing together contemporary and traditional elements in hopes of striking a chord--with a stalk of wheat thrown in--and it ain't working. They sort of tried a similar approach in the design of Miller Park, with the same result.
Posted by: jianfu at June 18, 2004 03:13 PMFor years, I never saw the "elb" embedded in the Expos cap logo, only the scripted "M." And I only made out the "mb" in the Brewers old paw-shaped glove when somebody pointed it out to me a couple years ago. Fortunately for me, stuff like that isn't on college entrance exams.
Nice work today, Batgirl. Enjoyed it as always.
Posted by: frightwig at June 18, 2004 03:14 PMSo wait, is it "elb?" Like, "Expos Les Baseball?"
What does the "elb" stand for?
el diablo thought it was "ejb" and had something to do with "Expos Joué Baseball" which, if el diablo's junior high French serves him correctly means "Expos Play Baseball."
Does Scooby know?
Posted by: el diablo at June 18, 2004 03:21 PM"Expos le Baseball/Basebol" is correct.
Rather prosaic. Sort of like decoding the message from Little Orphan Annie only to find that she's telling you to "BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE!"
I like "ejk: Expos Play Baseball" better. It matches the whimsical design of the logo, which always suggested to my mind the shape of a 10-gallon hat worn by a circus clown. "Cirque du Soleil-Courtise Kim," no?
Posted by: frightwig at June 18, 2004 03:52 PMSpeaking of elks, one of my favorite drives in Mnpls is wrapping around Uptown through the Lagoon turnoff and then spinning around Calhoun on "ELk of the Isles". Never any elk there, of course, but it's a pretty name for a lovely drive.
And in keeping with one your recent posts, oh Batgirl, Happy F Day everyone! Even to click happy and suddenly Kochless Sox Fan. May the mysteries of addition by subtraction remain just that to the B.Sox.
Hart
Posted by: Hart at June 18, 2004 03:55 PM
Darn, I thought "elb" stood for "el biadlo."
I had to look very hard at the logo to make out the "M." Now I get it. Does DC have a suburb that starts with M? Can we force "elb" together to make a "V" for Virginia, "W" for Washington, or "NV" for northern washington?
I think I know what I'm doing for my weekend!
-amr
founder and chair,
ASSEEL (association to save silly expos elb logo).
Dear Mr. Davis-
If only that were true.
Sincerely,
-el diablo
Do Sox fan's do everything twice?Will they trade Koch again? Will they finish second again? Oh,wait, that's three.
Posted by: al at June 18, 2004 06:55 PMSo what's the Expos new name going to be? Not that there's anything wrong with Expos, but I've always thought it was kind of a boring, and un-cool name, even when they kicked ass in 1994 (and I was just a tiny Mimiru then, just shy of 10)
Posted by: Mimiru at June 18, 2004 06:58 PMOh my God, what a great, funny, intelligent, wonderful piece of savagery.
Bat Girl...I think I love you (dum dum dum dum)
BUT I WANT TO KNOW FOR SURE (dum dum dum dum)
Or however the song goes-YOU ROCK!
E
You DO have links to the occult, Batgirl!
I knew it!
LT
Posted by: LondonTwin at June 19, 2004 07:13 AM