(This entry posted by Twins Geek.)
Following the National Anthem, Carlos Silva was checking the condition of the pitchers’ mound, because Carlos likes things just the way he likes them, OK? Being rather focused on the slope of the mound, he didn’t notice that behind him, a tall brooding figure had arrived. Beside him stood a shorter Japanese man, carrying a pair of coconuts, strangely enough.
“Old woman!” the figure bellowed.
“Man!” Silva replied, turning.
“Man, yes, sorry. Old Man, should we begin this fair contest?”
“I’m 28.”
“Sorry?”
“I’m 28. I’m not old,” scolded Silva.
“Well, that’s old for me”, said the baby-faced figure. “And it’s not like I could just say ‘Hey man!’”
“Well, you could have called me ‘Carlos.’”
“I didn’t know you were called Carlos.”
“What I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior,” complained Silva.
“Well, I AM King Felix,” replied the cocky youngster.
“Oh, very nice. King, eh? I expect you have an enormous signing bonus and a long-term contract,” spat Silva. “And how d’you get that? By emasculating a bunch of minor leaguers! By participating in this monopolistic serf system which exploits the rank-and-file, rewarding you for your fascist strikeouts.”
A group of other Twins approach the mound, wondering why Carlos hasn’t made his way to the dugout yet.
“What’s going on out here?” asked Luis Castillo.
“The tall guy says he’s king,” explained Silva.
“I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were a unionized collective…” puzzled Jason Tyner.
“You’re fooling yourself,” snorted Carlos. “We’re living in an oligopoly. A government supported monopoly where the fat-cat owners misrepresent their financial statements….”
“Please, my fair opponents. Can you all get off my pitching mound?”
“Oooohhh. Now it’s HIS pitching mound,” said Silva.
“So much for making the visitors feel at home,” grumbled Joe Mauer.
“It’s not that, it’s just that the fans are getting antsy, so if you could just quit talking.…” stammered King Felix.
“With the money they spent on this stadium you would think they could’ve afforded a mound we could share,” mumbled Carlos.
“I don’t think that even makes sense,” admonished Felix, “and I’d appreciate it if you would be quiet!”
“Especially for the prices you pay here for a decent tuna roll…”
“I said BE QUIET. I order you to shut up!”
Luis snorted as he made his way to the batter’s box. “Order, eh -- who does he think he is?”
“I’m King Felix!”
“Well, I didn’t vote for you,” retorted Luis.
“You don’t vote for King!”
“Well, how did you become king, then?”
Felix stood tall, gazing upwards. “Fox Sports, amidst their steroidally developed robot graphics and swooshy sound effects, profiled my career as a 20-year-old phenom, signifying by divine providence that I, Felix, should be king.”
“Bah,” chortled Luis as he singled to center field. “An entertainment empire, masquerading as a neutral journalistic observer, has no authority to establish that kind of hierarchy. A system of economics is designated by a carefully constructed collective bargaining agreement, not by some dead-air-filling fluff piece.”
“Be QUIET!”
“You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because Joe Buck looked at you all doughy-eyed” added Jason Tyner, singling to right field.
“Shut UP!” screamed Felix as he sailed a ball to the backstop. “Would you please just shut up!?!”
Cuddyer chimed in as he drove in the first run. “Well, c’mon. If I went around saying I was an Emperor just because a co-worker of Bill O’Reilly got a little excited about me, people would put me away!”
“I’m outta here,” fumed Felix, leaving the mound for the relative silence of the dugout.
“What’s eating him?” queried Justin Morneau.
“You know those royal types,” replied Joe.
Twins Geek is the editor of GameDay baseball program (sold by the guys in the red vests around the Metrodome) and blogs pretty much daily at TwinsGeek.com. His best wishes go out to Felix Hernandez and to the Mariners fan base on news of King Felix’s elbow tightness. He hopes to see the young phenom mowing down other batches of unruly peasants soon.
Posted by Twins Geek at April 18, 2007 11:07 PMoh...so that's what happened. If I actually heard Silva talk like that, I would...do something messy in my pants.
I'm a little worried that we didn't score anything after the 2nd inning and now Twitchy's in and he has me worried.
I hate games like this
Posted by: billhedrick at April 18, 2007 11:48 PMOMGWTFBBQ!!!!!!!11111twotwotwo
Posted by: billhedrick at April 18, 2007 11:51 PMBreathe, Bill, breathe!
Posted by: mk at April 18, 2007 11:55 PMWouldn't you know it, one of the few Twins games of the year I actually could have heard on the radio (I live in Portland), and I'm stuck down in California. But even reading the Yahoo box score description of that last play was kind of exciting.
Twins Geek, that was priceless. Absolutely hysterical, well done.
Posted by: katofrog at April 19, 2007 12:01 AMHaha! Brilliant!
"Did you see that? Did you see him condescending me?"
"Bloody piranha!"
"Ooh, what a give away..."
I know this is Batgirl's blog and all, but I have to tip my hat to Twins Geek. That was easily the best post I've read here in a while. And Joel, that was the perfect addition. ;-)
Posted by: DCTwinsFan at April 19, 2007 12:04 AM*DIES LAUGHING*
yeah, but of course now I KNOW I'm a geek when I know all the real words to that exchange and can fully appreciate all the little twists and amusements that TG managed to shadow so well!
excellent Geek, totally excellent.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at April 19, 2007 12:10 AMI just watched that movie last week. Thought I fell asleep just after the Black Knight part... I'm a sleep deprived college student, what can I say?
Nice one, TwinsGeek.
Time for bed now... I must, "Run Away!"
Posted by: Shelley at April 19, 2007 12:47 AMI actually watched the first half of Holy Grail before I watched the game tonight. Thanks, Twins Geek. That was brilliant.
Posted by: Flip at April 19, 2007 01:13 AMTGeek--
While I'm sure Felix Rodriguez appreciates the best wishes, we here in Seattle would feel better if you send wishes to Felix Hernandez, whose elbow tightness is terrifying us. Thanks.
Posted by: teacherrefpoet at April 19, 2007 01:21 AMTwins fans can relate. Out young Phenom Liriano won't pitch this year after Tommy John. Let's hope it is not that bad for Felix.
Posted by: Nora at April 19, 2007 01:53 AMKF: Behind the pirahnas?
RG: It is the pirahnas!
KF: You silly sod.
RG: What?
KF: You got us all worked up!
RG: These aren't ordinary pirahnas...look at the broken bats man!
KF: Silly little weak hitters. I'll finish these guys off. One pirahna stew coming up.
RG: LOOK.....
You must read this imagining Carlos and the others talking with working-class English accents. Fun.
Posted by: Jeb at April 19, 2007 06:19 AMteacherrefpoet,
You know, I've had King Felix on my fantasy team for three years now, and I never could remember his name. I'll fix that.
John
Posted by: Twins Geek at April 19, 2007 06:59 AMLook, it's the old man from Scene 24.
What's HE doing here?
Posted by: Neil at April 19, 2007 07:14 AMThe Return of the Jackal? A great victory with a makeshift lineup.
I hope the King gets better for the Tigers, Indians, and B.Sox.
New URL logo looks awesome.
Posted by: funoka at April 19, 2007 07:36 AMThese west coast games kill me because I either have to stay up too late or be bleary the next day. Went to bed the 5th inning. Checked the paper this morning and sounds like things got exciting. Whew.
Luis is fun to watch. He even had a quick smile the other day-I mean like a second!
Made my dull little day geek!
Brilliant post.
I second Jeb's comment about imagining Carlos & co. speaking with working-class English accents.
Santana's pitching tonight. Bring out your dead!
Posted by: Lauri at April 19, 2007 07:59 AMAnd suddenly, in the bottom of the ninth with two outs, the animator dies of a massive heart attack.
TG,
Best
Entry
Ever.
Ni!
Posted by: elderfelder at April 19, 2007 08:28 AMBrilliant. The PERFECT way to start my Thursday. Thanks TG!
Posted by: ForMorneau at April 19, 2007 08:40 AMWatch out! That piranha is DYNAMITE!
Posted by: billhedrick at April 19, 2007 08:53 AMROTFL...oh Twins Geek, thank you.
As long as we're going with Holy Grail-baseball analogies, wouldn't A.J. play the best French taunter?
Posted by: Dobs at April 19, 2007 08:57 AMFar and away the best post of the year.
Bridge Keeper: "WHAT--is your name?"
Johan Santana: "Sir Johan."
BK: "WHAT--is your quest?"
JS: "I seek the Commissioner's Trophy."
BK: "WHAT--is the air-speed velocity of an unladen changeup?"
JS: "Regular change or circle change? I throw both."
BK: "I-I don't know that--AAAARRRRGHH!"
(Gets cast into the pit of despair)
hee.. good one Eric.
See, my problem is that I'm now seeing all these characters played by lego knights! STILL laughing even though I read this last night!
Posted by: CapitalBabs at April 19, 2007 09:03 AM"Oligopoly"... hee hee...
Posted by: ramon at April 19, 2007 09:46 AMAnd today it will be:
"One! Two! Five!"
("Three sir!")
"Three. Right."
Prepare to sit down, ye bitches.
Posted by: Glove boy at April 19, 2007 10:02 AMToo damn funny, Geek. I laughed so hard I nearly soiled my armor.
Posted by: therearesomewhocallmetim at April 19, 2007 10:03 AMNicely played.
*goes around performing the Fish-Slapping Dance armed with piranhas*
Posted by: FH at April 19, 2007 10:15 AMVery amusing :-) By the way, that wave of dread and utter silence you feel emanating from the Upper Left is not your imagination. We're all holding our breath and hoping beyond hope that the next words we hear from the Mariners aren't "Tommy John surgery" ... unless they're talking about Arthur Rhodes. Prepare for the great wailing to come.
As for feeling our pain, I know you-all have gone through this with Liriano, but at least you have the comfort of El Presidente. We got nuttin'. There is not a single other starter on our staff that I have any confidence in being able to win every time out.
*sigh* I appreciate the good wishes, though ...
Posted by: jenninseattle at April 19, 2007 10:16 AM"It's a simple matter of weight ratio, a 12 oz. sparrow cannot carry a 1 lb. coconut." but a 150 lb. Tyner CAN carry a ball over the fence... it will happen soon!!!! win twins!
Posted by: hook10 at April 19, 2007 10:22 AMThis is better than peanut butter and chocolate....combine two great things (Monty Python allusions and the Twins) for even better result. Twins have been on Fox Sports NW this week. Hooray! It's been a pleasure to see a game against someone other than the White Sox (WGN) or the Yankees (ESPN). Thanks, TwinsGeek. That made my day.
Posted by: MTwin at April 19, 2007 11:01 AMUm, what's wrong with Joe Nathan? This is three blown saves in a row, two of which he lucked out due to stupid base running. But by all rights we should've lost last night + another to the D-Rays on Joe's watch. Yikes!
Also, Santana got killed last time he faced Seattle (IIRC, last year's opening game, though perhaps he faced them again later in the season and I'm forgetting).
Sorry - don't mean to be a wet blanket. Too late, though...
Posted by: deanlambrecht at April 19, 2007 11:02 AMI've already begun telling people I turn 'Dennis' this year. Yes, I'll be 37. I'm not old.
That said, it was very nice to see the violence inherent in the system last night. King of the Who? indeed.
Hmmm, not finding that Santana loss last season, dean. He had a win at Safeco on June 8, widely held to be the "turning point" of the Twins' season, giving up five hits and one run over five innings. I particularly remember this since I was there. Earlier that season he struck out 9 in an 8-2 Twins win.
Maybe you're thinking of Baker? :-)
Posted by: Word Smith at April 19, 2007 12:35 PMAnd this is the morning I decide I should actually do WORK all morning and not check BG until lunch time?
Geek, I had NO idea you had so much sass in ya. All the Pythonism and not a single stat! Well played, sir!
Posted by: JimCrikket at April 19, 2007 12:59 PMThanks Geek, really needed that. And kudos to Eric and Skippy too!
Posted by: TwinsFoghorn at April 19, 2007 02:07 PMOH MAN! SO funny! I love that movie/post. *goes off to watch movie*
Posted by: ClosetJaysFan at April 19, 2007 02:52 PMwe don't have a king, but we do have El Presidente. And I hope he makes them all RUN AWAAAAAYYYY!!! (after he Ks them).
So far Castillo is (as always) winning the black knight award.
Hey all -
Fantastic, Twinsgeek. As others have said, two of my favorite things -- perfect synergy.
twin-X -- Luis may be playing the role of the Black Knight this season, but last year it was all Radke.
Think good thoughts for the day game!
Posted by: hrunting at April 19, 2007 03:32 PMSomething about Joe Nathan brings out wacky base running for the opposition. So even when he is not at his best he still gets a save. LOL
Posted by: Nora at April 19, 2007 03:57 PMIt's election time! Voting has opened for the All-Star game. Personally, I'm hoping Lil' Nicky Punto gets the start at 3rd over A-Rod.
If you're like me, you've already started inviting yourself to Gmail over and over to get as many 25-vote bunches as possible. I think I have a problem.
Anyway, click my name for the voting page. At the very least, I think Morneau and Mauer have a great chance to be starting for the AL!
Posted by: Dr. Trivicon at April 19, 2007 05:15 PMhrunting - you are correct, sir, re: Radke's role as the Black Knight last year. in point of fact, i seem to recall some ESPN Page 2 writer referring to Radke in just that manner - i want to say it was Jim Caple (as sympathietic to our cause as they come at ESPN). the sequence i recall went something like: "but your arm has fallen off!" "no it hasn't!" "what's that then?" "its just a flesh wound!"
Posted by: dfb at April 19, 2007 05:37 PMexhaling 'round the Northwest:
"Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez suffered a strained muscle in his forearm and elbow, according to team doctor Edward Khalfavan, who estimated the young ace would be back on the mound within 10-20 days.
Khalfavan performed an MRI test on Hernandez after the pitcher pulled himself out in the first inning of the Mariners' 5-4 loss to Minnesota on Wednesday night.
"It was very good and smart of him to stop," said Khalfavan, who labeled the situation "as good of news as you can expect from an elbow injury."
Posted by: msb at April 19, 2007 05:42 PM“You know those royal types,” replied Joe.
Absolutely priceless!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Stacy at April 19, 2007 07:50 PMAll I can say to the Twinsgeek is "Brilliant! Brilliant!" That was one stroke of unparalleled imagination and genius.
Posted by: Skippy Tastes Better than Jiff at April 19, 2007 08:00 PMhrunting,
You are quite right.
As I wrote that it felt wrong, Fish-glue was the true black knight last year, Castillo was maybe a gray night.
Happy B-day to the Chairman and Reyes!
Posted by: Nora at April 19, 2007 09:32 PMBrilliant.
You must now cut down the mightiest team in the league with a piranha!
Posted by: Suds at April 19, 2007 10:36 PM1) LOVE THE PIECE! Wonderfully done.
2) Felix seems to be fine and will be out on the mound very soon.
3) If you want to get the whole story on why Felix is called "King" talk to the guys at www.USSMariner.com . They started calling Felix King while he was in the minor leagues. STILL, I LOVE what you did with it and the whole Fox thing.
4) Felix is suppose to pitch against the NNY at NY on May 4th. I can't wait!
5) PS, I saw Johan Santana for the first time on Thursday. OMG! That guy is amazing! I kept talking to my friends and loved ones about how awesome it would be to bring these two Venezuelan country men (The King and El Presidente) together. A guy can dream:)
