Weekend Round-Up. Tampa Bay at Twins.
Friday. Devil Rays 4, Twins 2.
Saturday. Twins 12, Devil Rays 5.
Sunday. Devil Rays 6, Twins 4.
1) Jason Tyner has always had the oddest hobbies. While some kids had hamsters or ant farm, he preferred to harvest bacteria. One day, he was sitting in his room eating an orange, and he accidentally threw the peel into his bacteria vat. Days later he went to visit his pets and found the peel covered in a strange mold. And there was something else. "Huh," he said. "I wonder where my staphylococci went. Huh." With that, he shrugged and ate the orange peel. When Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin a few months later, Tyner smacked himself on the forehead and exclaimed, "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that!"
2) One thing Jason Tyner likes is a nice vacation, somewhere really remote, and he often takes his trusty globe, spins it, and travels wherever his finger lands. When his travels took him to a small group of islands off the coast of Argentina, he became very interested in the local wildlife. And, as he went from island to island, he could not help but notice that the finches were slightly different on each. On the last, he picked up a flat rock that had strange markings. "It almost looks like finch bones have been trapped inside this rock," he murmured to himself. Then he threw the rock into the ocean to see if it would skip. When Charles Darwin published his On the Origin of Species just a scant few weeks afterwards, he exclaimed, "I thought there was something funny going on!"
3) Another thing Jason Tyner really likes to do is drop things from tall buildings. One day, bored, he decided to mix things up by dropping two things off a tall building at the same time, a bowling ball and a Faberge egg. As the objects fell from his hands, he thought to wonder, "Huh. I wonder which will hit the ground first." But just then a very beefy-looking passing sailor wandered under the trajectory of the bowling ball and Tyner hightailed off the roof. When, just days later, Galileo Galilei announced that falling bodies regardless of their mass accelerate at the same rate, Tyner only sighed and muttered, "Damn sailor."
4) Jason Tyner is quite fond of a stroll through an apple orchard. One day on such a stroll, he noticed a gentleman in tights sitting under an apple tree. As he passed, he noticed a granny smith swaying precariously off one of the branches just over the gentlemen's head, and just as the stem broke and the apple came plummeting, Tyner made a fabulous diving catch. The gentleman thanked Tyner profusely, and Tyner said, "Huh. I wonder what made that fall." Then he shrugged his shoulders and went home to see if he'd made Web Gems. When, just hours later, Isaac Newton explained the theory of gravity to the world, Tyner fell to the ground and shouted, "Crap! Crap! Crap!"
5) Jason Tyner hit a ball on Saturday that seemed headed for the football seats. Everyone watching thought Tyner had hit his first home run in 8 jillion at bats, but at the last minute the ball dropped and bounced off the fence for a double. In the postgame interview, Marney Gellner flipped her sexy new hair and asked, "Did you think it was gone? Did you think you had finally hit one out?"
With a great sigh, he shook his head. "I had a pretty good feeling I didn't."
Awwww. Poor Jason Tyner.
Posted by: CarrieICL at April 15, 2007 11:18 PMThe cure for cancer or AIDS is up for grabs, Jason Tyner... go for those.
And it's nice to see that while our pitching is... inconsistent... Luscious Lohse is making it happen for the Reds. A very Santana-like 12 strike-outs today against the Cubbies.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=270415116
Posted by: Shelley at April 16, 2007 12:43 AMHow long will it last? Lohse is usually pretty inconsistent. Nice game. Will it continue? From Lohse? Not likely.
Posted by: Nora at April 16, 2007 01:23 AMAll reasons why I love Jason "Biggles" Tyner. Sure, he's got no power whatsoever. But he has a bacteria farm, and that makes up for a lot.
Posted by: katharriet at April 16, 2007 08:28 AMHis day will come.
Posted by: Spacey Stacey at April 16, 2007 08:41 AMKyle Lose will eventually go back to his old ways. Beating the Cubbies these days is like beating a AAA team (something Kyle should be familiar with).
Posted by: Dave at April 16, 2007 09:11 AMHas anyone noticed that Joe of Nathan has given up 5 hits to the last 9 guys he has faced; and that they were all Devil Rays?
Posted by: al at April 16, 2007 09:34 AMWhen Tyner finally gets a HR, that ovation will be CRAZY. :)
Posted by: Pickles & Dimes at April 16, 2007 10:13 AMJason Tyner = Discovered America
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at April 16, 2007 10:59 AMJason Tyner's new nickname should be Maxwell Smart.
"Missed it by that much."
Jason Tyner will hit his first career homerun this season.
And not only will it be when you least expect it, but it will also be when the team needs it most.
That is a call.
Posted by: Torhu at April 16, 2007 12:06 PMHappened to catch SportsCenter coverage of this on Sunday morning. It was funny because they were saying it was his first career homerun (in 1000 however-many at-bats). They kept showing the replay and highlighting the ball right as it was about to (supposedly) clear the baggie. I was thinking to myself, "Huh, I thought I saw it hit the baggie (you know how you can never quite keep your eye on that ball when you see it hit the baggie on TV). And it also looked like they showed Jason standing on second base. But no, they're definitely saying it was his first career homerun." Then at the very end of the show, right before signing off, they were like, "Oh, by the way, Jason Tyner did not hit his first career homerun; he hit a double. Apologies to him and his folks."
I felt this strange mix of annoyance/amusement (at their mistake)/relief (that I wasn't going crazy).
Posted by: adam at April 16, 2007 12:24 PMI was at a game last season when I called that Tyner would hit his homer, and he almost did. The second the ball was off the bat I was on my feet waving it over the wall. But alas, it was not to be that day either. :(
I think you're right, Torhu. He's saving it for a really big moment.
Posted by: Spacey Stacey at April 16, 2007 12:25 PMJust a nitpick, but I believe the reason Jason didn't develop the theory of evolution was he was checking the finches off the coast of Argentina. Darwin checked his finches off the coast of Ecuador. ;-)
Posted by: Dr. Jane at April 16, 2007 12:37 PMTyner fell to the ground and shouted, "Crap! Crap! Crap!"
Love it. Now lets go win some games (just for fun).
I always hate to correct you BG, but I feel I must for learning's sake. Tyner went to a group of islands off of the coast of Peru where he discovered those finch bones.
Unless, of course, Tyner had a hand in starting the Falkland Island conflict as well.
Dear Dr. Jane,
Well, that was certainly the problem!
Geographically flawed,
Batgirl
Is there any chance we can get the guys at the Dome to turn on the Bobby Cox Memorial Fans every time Jason Tyner comes up? It just seems like he could use the help, and I can't think of a worthier recipient of such a magnanamous gesture.
Oh, and speaking of magnanamous, can we please stop giving games away to pitiful teams like the Satan Rays? It's just too painful to think of Santana and Nathan, our Executive Branch stalwarts, being defeated by guys who run the bases like the Satans did Friday night. Clearly, laws must be enacted to keep this from happening again.
Posted by: adidasman at April 16, 2007 01:28 PMThat's so sad... poor Jason! It'll happen though.
Posted by: melissa at April 16, 2007 02:57 PMpoor tyner.
Posted by: Renae at April 16, 2007 03:44 PMAwwwwwwwww. Maybe he will get a grand slam at some crucial time.
I thought he sounded like a very nice young man during his interview.
I love Tiny Tyner with all of my heart (as I do most of the other Twins players), so I will be very excited when he hits his first homer. I loved this post. It was so funny, but poor little Tyner never got a break. I just want to hug him and say, "You'll do it soon because you're just to small and mighty NOT to."
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at April 16, 2007 05:16 PM
Shelley:
Never, EVER, compare Johan to Kyle Lohse, EVER AGAIN.
Please.
Thank you.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at April 16, 2007 06:20 PMI love Jason's big thick head of shiny brown hair!!
Umm, sorry ... did I say that out loud??
Go Tiny!!!!Go Tiny!!!Go Tiny!!!
Posted by: Krissy at April 16, 2007 07:04 PMHmm. Well, I guess those laser bats need some adjusting or something. (Leeeeewwww needs to send over a guide book or something.) :/
Posted by: Piranhtachew at April 16, 2007 11:05 PMTyner Tyner burning bright/ in the forests of the night...
Tways, I think that's an excellent idea. Tyner's SO "86" to me now.
Posted by: FH at April 17, 2007 09:53 AMI'm wondering, the Twins have Tyner...with his 1 million at bats without a homer, and Guerrier who has yet to get a major leauge win. Is that correct?
How great would it be if at some game at the Dome...Jason Tyner hits a walk-off homer to give Matt Guerrier hist first ML win?
I have a feeling that would make the national news simply for its oddity.
Posted by: Torhu at April 17, 2007 09:55 AM...how I managed to hit "s" instead of "n" is beyond me.
Previous comment directed to Twayn, not Tways. ;)
Posted by: FH at April 17, 2007 09:55 AMJason Tyner will probably do a grand slam for his first home run....at least he is hitting the ball and getting runs....better player than Ponson ever has been....he is a sound player and that is more important than showy....and does he really have all those "hobbies"?
Posted by: margie phillips at April 21, 2007 12:05 AM