(Lew) Ford will fly to the Twin Cities this week, where arthroscopic surgery will be preformed by team physician Dr. John Steubs.
What I wouldn’t pay to hear that conversation...
Dr. Steubs {comfortingly}: We’ll be inserting a tiny camera into your knee...
Lew Skywalker {eagerly}: Where?
Dr. Steubs {precisely}: We’ll insert it into the joint of...
Lew{a little put off}: No, I mean where will I be? Polis Massa or just some medical frigate?
Dr. Steubs {slightly startled}: I’m sorry - what?
Lew{using his Luke-whining-about-the-blast-shield-being-down voice}: Will the 2-1B droid that is doing the surgery be on a medical frigate, or are you taking me to the medical center on Polis Massa that Queen Amidala went to?
Long Pause
Dr. Steubs {rubbing temples}: This is a Star Wars thing again, isn’t it?
Lew{patronizingly}: I just want to make sure that it has a properly functioning bacta tank so I can get back to the team as soon as possible.
Dr. Stuebs{wearily}: For the last time Lew, I don’t have a bacta tank, and you’re not getting a new mechanical knee. We’re just repai...
Lew{confidentially}: Hey, that’s OK, because I’ve decided what I really want is a magical knee. Maybe something like a +2 Knee of Flame?
Longer Pause
Dr. Steubs {Beaten down. So very beaten down.}: No, the flaming thing is on the list of banned substances. But I think I can get Terry to spring for a vorpal knee. It will lob off the head of the closest opposing player.
Lew: Righteous!
Dr. Steub {giving up his will to live}: But only if you roll a 20.
Lew: Well, duh.
Twins Geek is ashamed to admit he needed to do almost no research for this story. He's also publishing daily at TwinsGeek.com.
Posted by Twins Geek at March 14, 2007 09:29 PMOh Lew, how I love you.
Nicely done TwinsGeek. Hilarious. I have been waiting for something like this for weeks!
Posted by: Melissa at March 14, 2007 10:01 PMGeek,
That my friend was sassie or Sassy take your pick, it had sass! Nice work!
Would Lew's new knee make light saber noises when he walks?
Posted by: Bring Back Reboulet at March 14, 2007 11:43 PMA vorpal knee for the manxome foe, of course! That was so good it actually made me outgrabe. Too bad Lew didn't get some stronger meniscus shields when he had the chance. It's great to see TwinsGeek.com back in the regular lineup.
Posted by: twayn at March 14, 2007 11:58 PMLegoVision for 2007? PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE! :D
Posted by: Pickles at March 15, 2007 12:12 AMI'm gonna expose my huge dorkiness here, but...
Isn't it called a kalto tank, not a bacta tank? Maybe that's just in "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic." It's possible that kalto was replaced with a substance called bacta in the 4,000 years between KOTOR and the movies.
Posted by: Flip at March 15, 2007 12:16 AMis that a 20 on a d20?
or on 3d6 with a +2 modifier and 1 reroll?
of course, unlike Jean Luc Picard, Lew will never need a heart transplant
Posted by: Dan in London at March 15, 2007 03:12 AMREPORT FROM FORT MYERS:
I got down here to Fort Myers on Sunday, and will be here through today. Some notables for those of you who haven't made the pilgrimage this year...
1. Durbin is throwing some real gas. The kid has some zip.
2. Neshek continues to look impressive. Renafro is a lefty version, without the pop.
3. Jack Morris and Dan Gladden are about two of the nicest guys you could ever meet.
4. Dick Bremer has promised to keep Bert out of trouble this year. He also walks around in dockers, leather sandals, a polo shirt, and on his cell phone the entire pre-game.
5. Johan makes sporadic appearances during pre-game exclusively to sign autographs. Real gentleman.
6. Justin Morneau is without question the biggest [expletive]. He is the *only* guy who continues to snub fans like myself who get to the game 4 hours early and stay 3 hours late.
7. The attractions like Sanibel Island are Grade-A.
8. The prices are reasonable - $0.47 tap beers for happy hours, etc.
9. Kubel is looking lean and mean.
10. Cuddyer refuses to levitate, but does have a new "dissappearing ball" act, where you hides it behind the left-field fence in batting practice.
11. Kelly Theiser is as much an idiot in real life as she appears in the twinsbaseball.com mailbag. I refrained from informing her of this, but only because my girlfriend was right next to me.
This is my first trip down here, and I must say, it's been spectacular. A "must-do" for anybody who calls themselves a loyal member of Twins Territory.
Posted by: JohnWayne at March 15, 2007 07:11 AMTwinsGeek: I hadn't started drinking my orange juice yet when I read this, for which my monitor is grateful. Good stuff!
John Wayne: thanks for the update!
Posted by: JustBeth at March 15, 2007 08:08 AMA vorpal knee? Snicker-snack!
Posted by: Roscoe at March 15, 2007 09:50 AMHee hee Lew =)
John Wayne - thanks for the update.
She-ra and I will be heading there a week from today.
Say it ain't so Justin!
I'm going to ask Michael to levitate.
And thank god I'm not the only that thinks Kelly is not all there - can we get a new person - please?!?!?!?!?!?
Much Love
Wonder Woman
did Geek really say he would be blogging daily again?? Cool.
Or is this one of those "just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN" things?
Posted by: brianS at March 15, 2007 10:49 AMJohnWayne,
I was in there last week, and Justin was marvelous with fans. Wonder what happened.
Also, be sure to stop by Nino's in the strip mall on Daniels and Cypress. THE best garlic rolls and pasta EVER.
If Lew got a knee of blinking on one leg and a knee of displacement on the other would that make him impossible to tag out?
Who needs the cream and the clear when the Twins can get magic items place in them.
Wow it was nice visiting my 15 yr old self, thanks Twinsgeek.
Posted by: cal at March 15, 2007 12:39 PMNerd alert!
Posted by: Harlan at March 15, 2007 01:28 PMThat was gold, Mr. Geek.
Who is going to take the dorkiness mantle from poor Lew when his Twins days are done? I almost feel like they should keep him on the bench until he's 40 just so BG and friends can keep writing about him.
Posted by: Andre at March 15, 2007 01:48 PMEileen S.,
I concur on Nino's!!! We went there last year and it was amazing!
Sadly I didn't get to FM this year...but I did get to go to a few Padres games in Peoria, AZ while visiting my snow bird Grandpa. They've got a nice place to play, you can walk around the outfield--but I think I like Hammonds Stadium better.
Hopefully, Twins' foes won't learn about these vorpal knees. That, and if someone rolls 20s a lot; he or she's accused of being a Gwynn-moder.
(Doc should *still* follow through with those laser bats for the piranhta, however.)
Posted by: Piranhtachew at March 15, 2007 03:12 PMOkay, One question. Lew's knee is gonna blow people's heads off, right? Ya, so, what happens when he's standing next to home plate to bat, Will Mauer's head blow off? Or like, in the outfield; Torri goes to get the ball and instead he loses his head...Or does it only work on opposing teams??? Sorry. I just had to know...
Posted by: Bailey at March 15, 2007 06:32 PMFor those pine-ing for some spring training photos:
http://web.mac.com/jrwilkens/iWeb/Spring%202007/Hammond%20stadium%202007.html
http://web.mac.com/jrwilkens/iWeb/Spring%202007/Spring%202007%20One.html
http://web.mac.com/jrwilkens/iWeb/Spring%202007/Spring%202007%20Two.html
Posted by: Dr Jane at March 16, 2007 09:39 AMFlip,
I believe that is indeed what happened...not that I would know or anything.
*looks around furtively*
Nothing to see here. Carry on.
Posted by: RufusPicus at March 16, 2007 10:41 AMDon't be embarrassed TwinsGeek...
I didn't even need to read the entry.
As soon as I saw the title "Stay on Target.", my brain immediately started thinking...
"almost there...almost there..."
Posted by: bubblemint at March 16, 2007 12:37 PMDr. Jane, thanks for sharing the pics. I especially liked some of the captions and the El Presidente pitching sequence Nicely done.
Posted by: Nora at March 16, 2007 03:03 PMDr Jane, those pics were exactly the shot in the arm I needed. Only a little longer till opening day...
Posted by: Carmen at March 16, 2007 03:22 PMBut if Lew gets a cool new knee, then everyone will want something.
Liriano will come back with something that gives him 1d6+1 to his ability to go all game.
LNP will get +5 to his probability of stealing a base (and that's besides having his unicorn!)
Bradke will come out of retirement with the magical equivalent of fish glue.
The possibilities are endless. We must not let this information leak, especially to the BitchSox or the Yankees.
Posted by: Lynnie at March 16, 2007 05:36 PMBailey - Don't worry, there's no cursed form of vorpal weapons. It only cuts off someone's head when he makes an attack with his knee, and then he has to roll 1d20 and get a natural 20 with no modifiers. Not even strength bonuses or the knee's magical plus. Plus, if he's attacking a slime or Ozzie Guillen or some other kind of creature that doesn't have any vital organs in its head, the vorpal powers have no effect.
(Looks around) Ummm ... my ... uh ... nerdy cousin told me that.
Fantastic pics, Dr. Jane! I *love* the closeup of Mauer where you see his eyes through his mask. Wow. I really like "la secuencia del presidente" too. :-)
Ah, so ready for Opening Day. Here's hoping Garza gets to partaking in it with the rest of the big league club! Sounds like he's earned it!
Hey, maybe if they can give Leeewwwww a magic knee, they can give Liriano a magic elbow that never again needs repair!
Posted by: Twin Mama at March 16, 2007 10:25 PMDr. Jane, those are some terrific photos. And it's true, you can't have too many Johan pictures.
I'll be there myself in 6 days so the photos both brought back fond memories and sparked some nice anticipation.
Posted by: Word Smith at March 16, 2007 10:41 PMTo dredge up the past, I want to reiterate the plea to suppor the Walk America campaign any way you can. From a doctor whom I trust:
Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many lifelong disabilities. The funds we raise in Walk America support research that saves babies’ lives.
And that's unarguably a good thing. I understand that the juxtaposition of blogger/social activist is a tenuous one often scorned upon, but this is a good thing worth whatever effort/financial assistance one can give.
Posted by: RK at March 17, 2007 02:21 AMDear Doby(Tyias),
I know you are a batgirl now after bring thrashed from 10 december,2004 to 121204 To
141204 To 151204 to 161204 To 171204to 191204
to 301204 to 100105 as receiving eai or kono lethargy nai We know your all and where are you now in leave in march 2007 and We are winners the great TWSFE EXES the winner of great goddesses and we are invincible.
Posted by: TWSFE EXES at March 17, 2007 08:07 AM
Bravo Dr. Jane. Awesome pics!
GoodNESS! Is Ramon Oritiz really as skeeny as he looks? He'll get lost amongst the Ponson/Silva/Reyes/Bonser set.
Anyone spend time comparing the high leg deliveries of Bonser and Garza in the 2nd set?
No?
Just me?
alrighty then...
Posted by: jamar1700 at March 17, 2007 07:47 PMAww. My empathy goes out to Lew. I had arthroscopic knee surgery 2 days after Twinsfest. When I met Mauer, he was so adorable- "are you seeing the same surgeon I did?!?" Best wishes for a speedy recovery (faster than mine will be).
Posted by: Olivia at March 18, 2007 07:41 PMhttp://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20070318&content_id=1848806&vkey=spt2007news&fext=.jsp&c_id=min
Dear Gardy,
Ponson is going to be in the starting rotation?What the blank! do you not even use your eyes?
He has a 6.00 ERA and does not like hid old fans when they boo him.
What about Garza (who has a 1.5 ERA and cool hair) or Perkins (who has a 2.00 ERA and is from MN!!!)???
Or even Slowey (who has a 3.38 ERA and 10Ks, and a cool name, and I know he is in the minor league camp now, but...)???
Ponson has two things going for him, he is a veteran and has a criminal record, does he really have anything else over these 3 kids?
Questioningly,
twin-X
P.S. Oh well (that's a mid west thing to say) the redwings' aren't THAT far away :-(
Sorry for the length, stats and excessive use of ? and!, but I needed to get that out.
Thankfully,
twin-X
...does not like HIS old fans...
Sorry
Amazing photos, Dr. Jane!
Posted by: FH at March 19, 2007 11:32 AM