This report posted by Twayn, on assignment for Bat-girl.com.
LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. –- As Major League Baseball’s annual winter meetings wrap up at the Disney Dolphin and Swan Resort, the Minnesota Twins announced that they have signed right-handed pitcher Doodley Squat to a minor league contract with an invitation to spring training. The move, while widely anticipated, has been characterized as “underwhelming” by top baseball analysts and pundits. But Twins general manager Terry Ryan disagrees.
“We came down to Orlando with every intention of getting Doodley Squat,” said Ryan. “And getting Doodley Squat to help fill one of the holes in our roster is exactly what we managed to accomplish.”
The 32-year old Squat, once a promising prospect drafted out of Trinidad State Junior College by the Rockies, toiled for several years in Colorado’s minor league system before being traded to Kansas City. The Royals released him from their AAA affiliate three years ago. Since then, he has pitched for various independent minor league, semi-pro, and exhibition ‘donkey baseball’ teams across the country, with a four-month stint as a starter and long reliever for the Seoul Searchers of the Korean Baseball Organization two years ago.
Twins manager Ron Gardenhire took the signing of Doodley Squat in stride.
“We’ve heard okay things about him. He’s an innings eater, he’s durable, he doesn’t walk many hitters, he works fast, he throws strikes, he keeps the ball down in the zone, he knows how to get after it, and he battles his tail off. What more could you want in a pitcher?” said this year’s runner-up for AL Manager of the Year honors. “Sure, his ERA is a little high, and he gives up the long ball a little too much, and he doesn’t have the experience of, say, a Terry Mulholland, but what are you gonna do? And besides, how many big league managers can say they have a Boof and a Doodley on their pitching staff?”
While the Twins dealing for Squat during the winter meetings is typical of the budget-constrained franchise, they did turn heads early in the week after a New York Times article suggested the perennially contending small-market Twins would be a good fit for aging free-agent slugger Barry Bonds, who is closing in on the career home run record held by Hank Aaron. Bonds eventually signed a new one year, $16 million deal with the San Francisco Giants late in the week. Ryan dismissed the Times story as pure speculation.
“For the Twins to make a deal for Barry Bonds was never anything more than a clueless East Coast reporter’s pipe dream,” Ryan commented. “And I won’t bother to guess what kind of pipe was involved.”
Ryan did express disappointment that the Twins were unable to finalize a deal for third baseman Dick Bupkis.
“We were hopeful that we’d be able to get Dick at the winter meetings, but you never know in this atmosphere what’s going to shake out,” said Ryan. “The good news is he didn’t sign with any other team, so he’s still available. We’ll just keep moving forward and try to get Bupkis before we come back down here for spring training in a couple of months.”
Tongue-in-cheek, like always, Batgirl. I love it. Sad, but true. Oh. And on the subject of some brainless Easterners thinking the Twins would be a good match for Barry Bonds--ha.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at December 8, 2006 07:05 PMTwayne, that's brilliant. :-)
I, for one, am very excited about the signing of Doodley Squat. I've been wanting him on my team for, like, three years. he's a real character guy with a lot of heart. I don't see a downside, here.
Posted by: kafumbly at December 8, 2006 07:31 PM(sorry 'bout the "e"...)
Posted by: kafumbly at December 8, 2006 07:32 PMWe shouldn't feel so bad about only getting Doodley Squat. I've got two words for you.
Tony.
Batista.
To bad.... I wouldn't worry, Hey, atleast the Twinsfest schedule is out...
Posted by: blueyes at December 8, 2006 09:12 PMDear Ms. Princess,
This entry was posted by Twayn, not Batgirl, she can take no credit.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Twayne, that was ingenious.
Posted by: Twin-X at December 8, 2006 11:08 PMCrap! I was holding out for jack #*$&.
Posted by: Me at December 9, 2006 01:19 AMYou mean Jack Squat, Doodley's second cousin?
Posted by: you at December 9, 2006 02:38 AMDoodley Squat? I recall he was originally a catcher, but they converted him to pitcher back at Trinidad State JC, with the idea he would eventually transfer to Kansas...you know, KU? Which makes sense, I bet that's how the scouts from the Rockies and Royals first noticed him, he was right in their region when he was being recruited there.
I think he has a brother about the same age--Diddly Squat? The Devil Rays picked him in the baseball draft three or four years in a row. Or was that the Cubs? Anyway, with that stout, catcher-type build, Diddly Squat also drew some interest from the NFL. I guess Denny Green had him on the draft board for the Vikes in 1999, but decided to take Demetrius Underwood, a player with similar skills, instead.
And, yeah, Jack Squat is definitely Doodley's second cousin. That's just a real good baseball family right there. Kind of a poor man's version of the Mauers.
Posted by: franorama at December 9, 2006 07:54 AM*choke*
*snort*
*giggle*
ah... the things that can disturb my morning coffee - you would think after all this time I would know better than to have it in hand when I pop in here.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at December 9, 2006 08:38 AMWell, Ken Harvey may prove to be a descent signing. Albiet a longshot.
Posted by: JohnWayne at December 9, 2006 08:54 AMKen Harvey will make us all forget Tony Batista, if we have not already forgotten him.
Posted by: al at December 9, 2006 10:46 AMOutstanding entry!!!!
Hey why dont we go after old man Mulholland--understand he is available...
DAM
Posted by: DAM-DC Twins Fan at December 9, 2006 12:56 PMToo bad this news will be eclipsed by the announcement that the Red Sox have paid $89 million for the rights to negotiate with Taiwanese utility infielder Nada Ho Lot.
Posted by: Chris M at December 9, 2006 02:01 PMI always thought we should go for Ted Overra.
I mean look at his stats!
2006 Overra, Ted, AB- 600 Hits-200 HR-45 BA-.333
2005 Overra, Ted, AB- 600 Hits-45 HR-1 BA-.075
Look at that great 2006, there can be no way he could go back to his 2005 numbers.
Posted by: Swedishdest at December 9, 2006 02:16 PMBatgirl & Twayn,
Oops. My mistake. I apologize. Twayn, my praise goes to you.
Sincerely,
TwinsPrincess
Wait wait. Did I read correctly...Ken Harvey?
Oh good lord.
Posted by: Torhu at December 9, 2006 06:59 PMIs Paul Harvey available?
Posted by: Piranhtachew at December 9, 2006 09:01 PM".... and that's the rest of the story." - Ken "Paul" Harvey. Perhaps the front office is not being too out of line by shaving off 2,000 seats from Wheaties Field. When we averaged
Posted by: twinsfansam at December 9, 2006 09:28 PM".... and that's the rest of the story." - Ken "Paul" Harvey. Perhaps the front office is not being too out of line by shaving off 2,000 seats from Wheaties Field. When we averaged 26,000 empty seats at the HHH last year what did we expect. Let's pack the joint next year so maybe Mr. Ryan has some $$ to work with in 2008. - twinsfansam (Sorry for the double post.)
Posted by: twinsfansam at December 9, 2006 09:35 PMThis just in from Lavelle Neal III - The Twins, on the advice of their topnotch Latin American scouts, have signed Dominican left-hander Nada Mucho to a minor league contract with a major league invite. At a press conference called by Terry Ryan to tout his big offseason transaction, the fourty-nine year old knuckleballer who has been out of baseball for ten years had nothing much to say.
Posted by: ramon marcos at December 9, 2006 09:52 PMAmusing, Twayn! And oh, so true.
On the other hand, at least we didn't overpay for any overpriced players out there. That's always a good thing.
Posted by: JustBeth at December 11, 2006 08:29 AMLOL to all who have posted about the Twins minor league signings. I am in tears; thanks for getting my Monday morning off to a good start (before it goes quickly to crap as I actually start doing real work).
Posted by: PatGLex at December 11, 2006 08:30 AM
With Gil Meche off the market, the Twins are said to be looking at a multi-year offer to Gilgamesh.
It's said that the fifth king of Uruk still has enough left to be a fifth starter, all the more because, as Sid Hartman recently wrote: "In Mesopotamian mythology, Gilgamesh is credited to have been a demigod of superhuman strength who built a great wall to defend his people from external threats"
Sounds like he wouldn't be afraid to throw inside.
Posted by: RonDavis at December 11, 2006 11:53 AM
Piranhta ... just by chance I found out the other day that Paul Harvey is NOT as dead as I thought he was. Therefore, definately available! ;-)
Posted by: jamar1700 at December 11, 2006 12:09 PMIt will be a great day when the Twins have all the starting pitching they need and the Yankees have to hold a bake sale to buy a Bronx Bomber.
Posted by: goombah at December 11, 2006 02:19 PMChacarron, Goombah.
Still, I'm glad to hear we have Squatter's rights.
Posted by: Piranhtachew at December 12, 2006 01:13 AMWell, I'm sorry, but "Diddley" is the Squat brother we wanted.
Next thing you know we'll grab a brain from "Abby Somebody."
Posted by: BD57 at December 12, 2006 06:22 AMwell, you may not have gotten Dick or Squat, but apparently you are getting Jeff 'Headcase' Cirillo.
If he doesn't feel pressured to perform, he'll be just fine for y'all.
Posted by: msb at December 12, 2006 10:20 AM