Cleveland at Twins. Indians 3, Twins 2.
It is no doubt that one of the factors leading to the Twins improved play this year is increased clubhouse harmony, but all of that was threatened today, thanks to a controversy of galactic proportions.
It began positively enough, with Dennys Sampler Reyes complimenting Johan Santana on his Dome winning streak.
"That's what I like to see," said Reyes. "Certainly. You start at the Dome, you're going to win. It just makes you feel better about the world, you know, one of those things you can really count on. Like e=mc squared, like the Pythagorean theorem, like 12 months in a year, seven days a week, like nine planets in the solar system…."
"Uhhhh, Dennys," interrupted Mike Redmond, who had been thumbing through a copy of Astronomy Today.
"Que?"
"That's not true."
"Que?"
"I mean there aren't going to be nine planets anymore. There are either eight or twelve, or maybe even many more."
Reyes stared at Redmond, unblinking. "I don't believe you," he said, after a few long moments.
"It's true," said Redmond. "Look!" And he passed Reyes the magazine. Quickly, the portly lefthander skimmed the article, tears filling his eyes. "But…but…this can't be!" he protested, and then went running out of the room, sobbing.
"What's wrong with Dennys Sampler?" asked Pat Neshek.
"Oh, he's upset about Pluto."
"The dog?"
"No, silly. The planet. Pluto might lose its status. See, it's really too small to be considered a planet. Even the moon is bigger, and it doesn't behave like a planet. Like, if it's a planet, then all these other really small bodies should be planets, too."
"But…" protested Neshek…"Pluto's a planet. There are nine planets. My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Potatoes!"
"Right," said Matt Guerrier. "My Very Enormous Monster Just Sucked Up Nine Pomeranians."
"No," said Jason Tyner. "It's Merlin's Very Extravagant Mother Just Sent Us Nine Parakeets!"
"Well," shrugged Redmond. "Not anymore. Either there are going to be eight planets or twelve, and if there are twelve it will be eight 'classic' planets and four dwarf planets, called plutons. See, there's this other sphere that's actually bigger than Pluto. It's called UB313—"
"Didn't they sing 'Red, Red Wine?'" asked Matt Guerrier.
"--Also known as Xena."
"Sweet," muttered Lew Ford.
"And then there's Charon, Pluto's moon, and Ceres. They'd all be planets, too."
"That's stupid!" protested Neshek. "You should just keep them the way they are!"
"That's not going to happen," said Redmond.
"Look," said Josh Rabe, "They made a mistake. They thought Pluto was bigger than it was. But Pluto's not a planet. It's a big ball of ice. We shouldn't go redefining reality because some people can't deal with change. There are eight planets."
"Well, what's wrong with adding more planets?" said Neshek. "The more the merrier, that's what my mom says."
"But Ceres is an asteroid!" protested Rabe.
"You're an asteroid!" grumbled Neshek.
At this point, Little Nicky Punto spoke up. "Sometimes, just because something is little doesn't mean it’s not special," he said, his voice cracking a little bit. "Pluto may not be very big or be able to sustain life or do anything cool, but I think it's got a lot of heart."
"Hee. It's a PUN-ton!" laughed Juan Rincon.
"Oh, yeah?" squeaked LNP. "You're a gas giant!"
"Save Pluto!" cried Tyner.
"Screw Pluto!" cried Mauer.
And so it went, all the way up to game time, players hurtling astronomical insults at each other as the argument grew more heated. At one point Torii Hunter became so enraged when Justin Morneau suggested Pluto's elliptical orbit disqualified it automatically that he punched the Canadian, who promptly hit Torii over the head with his boom boom stick.
Needless to say, it was a fractured bunch who took the field today, and while that-guy-who-looks-like-Frasier-Crane may feel his pitching was what carried the day, we Twins fans know the truth. Blame Pluto.
Stupid planet, anyway.
Dumb ass planet obsession = dumb ass bats.
Knew there had to be an explanation for this.
Whew. I can sleep now. Thanks BG.
Any chance we could trade Pluto to Alpha Centauri for an up-and-coming prospect planet?
Posted by: goesboom at August 17, 2006 07:58 PMI can't be sure, but I just don't think sweet little Joey would ever say "screw." You think?
Posted by: Dee at August 17, 2006 08:01 PMOnly BG can make losing actually interesting and entertaining.
This place always makes my day better.
Let's hope the planets are in alignment for our next battle.
The Boyz clearly need to read their NY Times more regularly. Per one Marvin Rabinovitch of Hod Hasharon, Israel, "Granting entry to a mere oarsman like Charon or the fictional daughter of a tavernkeeper like Xena would only degrade the exalted status of planethood and discourage true scions of the pantheon from joining its ranks."
There are nine, until Pluto is downgraded to a demi-god or others are upgraded to properly pantheonic names. Case closed.
You're totally right, Dee. I'm sure Joe keeps his clubhouse talk and all other talk very very clean. He said he got 'fired up' when Justin ate his ice cream. He couldn't even bring himself to say 'ticked off'. He's a good boy.
Posted by: Erin at August 17, 2006 09:27 PMi think joe is too nice to say 'screw' anything... i called morneau's homer though! i got up and cheered and my siblings were embarrassed, even though everyone else was up too.
Posted by: Elle at August 17, 2006 09:28 PMWell, that explains it. How could the team that took the field today so not resemble last night's team? There's a problem here: see, Babe Ruth never worried about crap like this Pluto stuff. He didn't let astronomy distract him and, hence, he never hit Lou Gehrig on the head with anything heavier than a hotdog. Our guys could learn something from Ruth, namely, forget about Pluto. The only spheroid that matters is the one with the red seams that coming at you 95 miles an hour.
Posted by: john r. tunis at August 17, 2006 09:53 PMHey I guess we need to keep White in the clubhouse, Who knew?
Bartlett on his recent success.
[{“Before the game the last few weeks, I've been talking to Rondell [White], and he always asks me, 'What's your plan today?'" Bartlett said. "It's our little thing, and before every at-bat he might try to remind me of that. It's something that's working for me, and I think he's having fun with it, too."}]
And one more thing, I thought was funny.
[{An at-bat in the eighth inning of Wednesday night's game seemed a little quicker than usual.
Indians left fielder Jason Michaels was facing Dennys Reyes to lead off the inning, and on what appeared to be a 1-1 count, he swung at a ball in the dirt. Catcher Joe Mauer threw the ball back to the mound like there was still one strike left in the count, but Michaels walked back to the dugout as if he had struck out and the next batter stepped up to the plate.
No appeal was made by the Indians, and the likely reason for that, according to Gardenhire, was that the first pitch Michaels saw may not have been a ball, but rather it could have been called a strike.
"The rumor is that he called it a strike and no one knew it," Gardenhire said of the play. "I thought he called it a ball too, but I wasn't going to argue. I liked it when he walked off the field."}] Sorry that was so long.
OK, Matt Garza needs to be taught the important lessons of the bigs:
If you choose pixie vests for your ML debut and leave with a 26-point-something ERA, why would you choose to wear them for your next start?
Classic home whites helped Mr. Silva Tuesday night, and he is one who has made some questionable uniform choices in the past!
Posted by: fiesta at August 17, 2006 11:01 PMReading this post + comments along with yesterday's makes me think that Mauer is totally a Lutheran. or at least, undeniably Minnesotan, from how he talks.
The #1 wonder of Minnesota is SPAM?!? i thought people hated spam!
I hope Punto's back in the game tomorrow, but we'll all miss Lil' Rod.
Posted by: Michelle at August 17, 2006 11:14 PMWell, I've become a fan of Matt Garza and I think 1) he was crazy nervous for his first start and is improving with each major league experience opportunity and 2) I really don't think the pixie vests are that bad and I didn't think they had them on tonight.
Posted by: Megan at August 17, 2006 11:17 PMDear Batgirl,
I am employing all of the will power I can mobilize to resist making a lame joke about the seventh plant.
Sophomorically,
Twayn
Or planet.
Posted by: twayn at August 17, 2006 11:25 PMI believe our beloved Chairman is a good Catholic boy. Or did he just do the Catholic school thing?
Posted by: Dee at August 17, 2006 11:33 PMBG, you never cease to amaze me.
I enjoy astronomy and have been following the, *is Pluto a planet*, question for a couple years now. And just as astronomers are about to vote on the question, it pops up as the reason for the Twins unfortunate loss this afternoon. I wonder if astronomers know they hold the fate of the AL Central and the AL Wild Card in their hands.
And then to top it off there was this, “’Didn't they sing 'Red, Red Wine?’’ asked Matt Guerrier.’”
It made my Vodka Martini come out my nose.
Laughter and Pain – as only BG can do.
Play Ball!
I thought it was:
Mother Very Thoughtfully Made Jelly Sandwiches Until Nicky Popped.
(I prefer to stick with the Latinate designation of Terra, firmly, and incognito. Cheesey of me, perhaps, but hey, I cotta be me.)
Posted by: KenK at August 18, 2006 12:35 AMBesides the game today: PERSONAL APPEARANCES
I went to the Cuddy/Nathan/Guerrier thing at Brit's tonight and you have to imagine:
I won a Joe Nathan bobblehead after answering the question "Who would Joe Mauer want to play him in a movie" correctly (Jim Carrey - don't ask).
Understand that myself and my personal secret service man had figured out how to sneak in the back so we were right next to our Twins during trivia! There I was with balls ready to be signed and on top of it, they gave me a NATHAN bobblehead!
It gets funnier.
Once trivia was OVER (whew!), I was first in line for autographs, given my position and the very serious man who had my back and was scaring other people. So, forced to go to Guerrier first, who I was not expecting to be there, I had him sign a ball. Then I had Nathan, and I held the bobblehead up to his face to get the likeness. (Not bad.)
Guerrier grabbed the bobblehead and started making the head shake and said "There! Now it looks like Joe!"
Joe and Matt laughed their asses off and Joe signed my toy as I moved on and had Cuddy sign a ball after - for real - promising me it was okay for both me and my mother to refer to him as "McDimples" anywhere, anytime, forever.
I also thanked him for his "Twins Unplugged" efforts and told him he's got BC talent but not to lean into that just yet.
Cuddy was very cute in his librarian glasses. Nice quads.
This all from a gal who was just there and had no idea they were coming (thank god for Target.)
J
Posted by: flairjordan at August 18, 2006 01:24 AMIndeed, the Chairman is a good Catholic boy.
Posted by: hannah (the second) at August 18, 2006 03:59 AMOoh, yay for a Batling getting that question! Congrats on your very, very kickass Unplugged night, flairjordan.
Those boys are crazy - it was fun watching them do some lawn bowling later on. Cuddles cracked me up with the head shake and the "that's not even an answer," or whatever it was he said. Heart.
Posted by: FH at August 18, 2006 08:10 AMBatgirl, so many funny lines in such a small place. Loved the "Red, Red Wine" joke!
Posted by: soccerfan at August 18, 2006 08:30 AMJust like Nicky said, just because something is little, doesn't mean it's not special. Next time NBP needs to just keep his mouth shut when someone is expounding on the exploits of Johan Santana. There's no need to bring up accuracy on such a sensitive subject. But at least Nicky didn't get accidentally punched by Torii this time.
Posted by: JustBeth at August 18, 2006 08:40 AMAnybody see Cuddy on KARE-11 Sunrise this morning? He was the guest on the "11 Questions" segment. Here's a link:
http://www.kare11.com/news/local/mornings/questions/
They don't have Cuddy's segment posted yet this morning, but it was pretty good.
Best dresser? Rondell White
Worst dresser? Lew Ford
Biggest Crush? Jennifer Love Hewitt (nice choice!)
First teammate to call when in trouble? Mike Redmond.
I see a future in broadcasting for this guy after his baseball career is over. Pretty good speaker.
Posted by: davesarman at August 18, 2006 08:54 AMBeeg, this was priceless. :applauds:
Posted by: wc at August 18, 2006 09:15 AMJust imagining that conversation is very, very amusing. Especially Lew's "Sweet" at the mention of Xena - I could almost hear the reverential awe in his voice. Nice work, BG, as always.
Fiesta, Garza did not choose the vests yesterday. The team wore the regular white home jerseys. So clearly the lesson was learned. ( I found myself wondering if the team asked Garza to pick the vests the first time, since they've only worn them a handful of times all season - there are probably crates of them in a back room somewhere, right next to some crates filled with red caps, and they're not going to sell themselves...)
Posted by: adidasman at August 18, 2006 09:18 AMSince they didn't have the link for Cuddy's interview, I watched LNP's interview. It was cute. I enjoyed listening to his answer to the first question (What is the craziest thing you have ever done to impress a girl? To which our beloved Tiny Superhero replied, "I don't know. Just showing up on her doorstep with a dozen roses and asking her to a dance.") Adorable. Anyway, I liked today's post. STUPID SCIENTIFIC DEBATE! Those guys [the scientists] are going to cost us the Wild Card if they aren't careful!
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at August 18, 2006 09:56 AMWouldn't Pluto's elliptical orbit help its case as a planet since Kepler first argued that all planets orbit the sun in elliptical orbits? If pluto's orbit were a giant circle (or even worse, a rectangle) I could understand the sentiment made by Monreau but what does he know anyway right.
Posted by: Andrew at August 18, 2006 10:15 AM"What does he know"? I can only assume you're referring to Kepler; I believe, if I'm not mistaken, than the good Doctor (remember, he IS a doctor) is well-versed in such matters. We dare not question his wisdom.
Posted by: adidasman at August 18, 2006 11:08 AMCuddy's segment is now up on the kare11 website. http://www.kare11.com/news/local/mornings/questions/
Posted by: arcolala at August 18, 2006 12:17 PMThanks for the link, arcolala. Notice how Cuddy has to think for a second before he decides that Rondell is the best-dressed player on the team. But there's no hesitation before naming Lew as the worst!
Posted by: Nick at August 18, 2006 12:41 PMThanks for the links to the 11 questions thing. Too cute. That's the type of stuff I normally miss out on.
*kicksstupidplainsstate*
Of course, this is not the first time that the pursuit of astronomical truth has resulted in clubhouse discord. Way back in 1566, when Tycho Brahe was pitching for the Copenhagen Stargazers of the Scandinavian League, he had a long-running dispute with his prodigiously slugging teammate, Manderup Parsbjerg, over the finer points of mathematical theorems for determining planetary movement. The two finally settled their disagreement with an inebriated duel, in which Parsbjerg sliced the nose off of Brahe’s face with a rapier. Nonplussed over the loss of his central facial appendage, Brahe quickly recovered his wits and used his extensive knowledge of metallurgy to fashion a new nose out of a silver-copper alloy that he formulated himself. He wore the metal nose whenever in public for the remainder of his life. You could look it up.
Posted by: twayn at August 18, 2006 01:06 PMSet your Tivo!
http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20060818&content_id=1616243&vkey=news_min&fext=.jsp&c_id=min
"This is my planet. Planet Punto."
Posted by: kw at August 18, 2006 03:21 PMRight on, kw!
"Notice how Cuddy has to think for a second before he decides that Rondell is the best-dressed player on the team. But there's no hesitation before naming Lew as the worst!"
- What, that "One Cool Daddy-O" shirt isn't hip? But I like Joe Cool!
Poor Lew. Just as long as he doesn't try to iron the shirt while he's wearing it, I'm cool.
Posted by: FH at August 18, 2006 03:40 PMI can't believe there's been so little chatter about the impending invasion by the Defending World Champions. (I can't even type the name of the team next to that phrase; it still hurts too much.) While the galactic implications of the potential planetary realignment might outweigh the 3-game clash we're about to witness (which I sincerely doubt), the potential shift in power from the Bitch Sox to the Twins is one that could theoretically extract the entire galaxy from the kind of self-destructive bent that sent the intrepid crew of the Enterprise from the 23rd Century back to present-day San Francisco in search of humpback whales in "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home". And remember - that event saved the universe as we know it, so there's far more at stake for the Twins, and for civilization, than merely a ball game or three. So could it be that we're looking at something akin to that rend in the fabric of time that sent our boys back to 2005 not so long ago? Perhaps. But this, this could be a vortex that sucks the Bitches back, back, back...back to uniforms with shorts, maybe, or at least to the reign of Jerry Manuel. Let us hope for such an occurence. And let's hope Shatner isn't directing.
Posted by: adidasman at August 18, 2006 03:47 PMAdidasman,
Thanks for setting me straight re: Garza and the pixies. I was going off a photo on the Strib's website that showed the pixie vests.
I don't think I would be as opposed to them if the Twins had chosen a unique design for them rather than just cutting the arms off the home whites.
Posted by: fiesta at August 18, 2006 03:59 PMAdidasman,
It could even be theoretically possible for a time vortex to suck the White Sox back to 1906, when they were known as the Hitless Wonders because of their .230 team batting average. That would be sweet, except for the fact that the Hitless Wonders won the World Series that year. Or they could be transported all the way back to 1899 (one year before Charlie Comisky got his hands on them), when they were known as the St. Paul Saints. Of course, even then they managed to win the Western League championship. But this is why time travel is so fraught with danger.
Posted by: twayn at August 18, 2006 04:17 PMToday's ESPN's poll question was who should be the AL MVP?
And their choices were Ortiz, Jeter, Thome, Dye, and Mauer...
Interesting. It's good to see that Mauer is getting the credit he deserves, but where is the love for Morneau?
Oh wait I forgot, he doesn't play for a big market team or lead in any batting category.
Gina, that is SO true. Doctor Morneau deserves to be on that ballot.
Posted by: TwinsPrincess at August 18, 2006 05:18 PMAs long as we're asking about jersy selection, Why were both teams wearing their "color" ones?
Posted by: Packerchu at August 19, 2006 12:29 AMI think The Chairman would've said, "Subtract Pluto!"
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