Detroit at Twins. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Tigers 3, Twins 2. (10 innings)
Saturday. Tigers 8, Twins 6.
Sunday. Twins 6, Tigers 4.
Please note: There will be no spoilers in this recap, as Batgirl has not seen The Lady in the Water on account of how crappy it looks.
It is usually Mike Redmond's job to clean up the clubhouse before and after Twins home games, a service he generally does wearing a smile (and not much else). But lately he had been growing concerned—when he got to the clubhouse after long road trips, he'd find signs that someone had been using the whirlpool, which is strictly off-limits to anyone but players.
"Lew," he asked the injured outfielder one day, "have your Doom buddies been playing Star Wars guys in the whirlpool again?"
"No, man," said Lew. "That was just once!"
The mystery deepened when Redmond was cleaning the whirlpool and found long chunks of red hair in the ducts.
"Unless Lew's Doom buddies have gotten a lot hotter," mused Redmond, "there is something very mysterious going on here. I think I shall dance naked around the clubhouse." And so, he did.
On Friday morning when Redmond arrived, he heard someone splashing around in the whirlpool. "Ah-HA!" he said to himself. "Here is my chance!" And he tore into the whirlpool room—to find nothing at all. But in his eagerness, he slipped on a puddle and the next thing he knew, he was plummeting straight into the whirlpool.
"Aw, shit," he said.
And then everything went dark.
When he woke up, Redmond found himself lying on the trainer's gurney with a tall, pale, redheaded woman in a Twins jersey staring unblinking at him.
"You…you saved me…" Redmond gasped.
"Yes," the woman said in a voice like windchimes.
"It's you, you've been swimming in the whirlpool."
"Yes."
"And now you're wearing my jersey."
"No," said the woman, turning around to reveal SANTANA emblazoned on her back. "I took Johan Santana's, because he's very hot."
"Who are you?" Redmond breathed.
"My name is Story. I am a narf. I am from the Blue World."
"You're a what?"
At that moment, Pat Neshek skipped into the room. "Hey, Mr. Redmond, I was just gonna—holy crap is that a narf?"
Redmond turned to look at the giddy sidearmer. "You've heard of a narf?"
"Sure! My mom read me a bedtime story about it just last week. Once upon a time the sea people lived among us and guided us. But then the humans turned greedy and in their pursuit of land moved away from the sea people and forgot all about them. But now, the sea people are sending the new generation out to make contact and bring peace and goodwill and Wild Card berths! And that means you're—" he gasped and dropped to his knees. "You've come to bring us peace!"
"Yes, my child," said Story. "But I cannot do it alone. I will need help from…..ACK!" She let out a high piercing scream, so loud it broke Brad Radke's hair gel jars.
"What?" said Redmond and Neshek.
"There!" she pointed at the widescreen TV in the trainer's room. "It's a scrunt!"
"Oh, gosh!" exclaimed Neshek. "We have to run!"
"What's a scrunt?"
"A scrunt is a creature of great evil. They prey on the narfs, trying to keep them from meeting with humans and bringing them peace and happiness and wild card berths. They have potent offense and good pitching and they never lose!"
"You must keep the scrunts from me!" exclaimed the narf. "He will kill me and then all is lost."
"It's okay," said Neshek. "We'll keep you safe. I mean—" he turned to Redmond—"we're not playing the Tigers for awhile, are we?"
"Uh…." said Redmond.
One by one, the Twins filed into the clubhouse and Redmond introduced Story to his teammates. They listened to her tale breathlessly.
"We must help the narf!" shouted Jason Tyner.
"We must defeat the scrunts!" yelled Jason Bartlett.
"Am I going to get eaten?" asked Little Nicky Punto.
"Yes," said Pat Neshek, ignoring Punto, "only through teamwork can we defeat the scrunts, for they are big and powerful and never, ever, ever lose! But we can do it for we are small and plucky and don't lose that much either!"
"For the narf!" screamed the Twins, running out onto the field to meet the scrunts in battle.
The battle raged on for three long nights. In the first, the scrunts scored an early blow, helped by the very small strike zone of the monkey-like law-enforcing Tartutics, and while the Twins were able to scratch back, the scrunts leapt at Juan Rincon's jugular and scored that night's victory.
"Now, that's just mean," said Redmond.
The next night, the scrunts went out into an early lead, tearing Brad Radke limb from limb and sucking the marrow from his bones. The Twins tried valiantly to fight back with their very best boom boom sticks, but it was to no avail. At the end, the scrunts ate Neshek and Jesse Crain, too.
"Now, that's really mean," said Redmond.
And the third day it went much the same, the evil scrunts making even Johan Santana falter, which was the meanest part of all. Inside the dugout, the narf cowered and shook.
"Come on you guys," said Redmond as the eighth inning grew nigh. "Are we really going to be beat by a bunch of freakin' scrunts? Are we going to let them eat our team alive? What about the narf? All she wants to do is spread truth and love and Wild Cardness whether she goes. Isn't that something we can fight for? They might have narfs, but we have JAZILLA! Isn’t that right?"
"Yeah!" said the Twins.
"Yeah!" said Jazilla, roaring.
"Let's go!"
And with that, the Twins stormed the field. The site of the three-headed red winged Jason monster was too much for the scrunts and they began to play suddenly like ass-crap. After getting bitch-slapped by the scrunts in the previous battles, Michael Cuddyer struck the deathblow. When the dust settled, the Twins had prevailed.
"Thank you, Twins," said the narf. "You are truly a noble group, even if you hit into too many double plays and sometimes miss the cut-off man. You see, you don’t need a narf. The strength to win is inside you, all the time. All I did was show you the way."
And then a great eagle came and carried Story back off to the Blue World while the Twins waved and watched her go.
"Man," said Jason Kubel, when the eagle and Story had disappeared. "That was one hot narf."
BatNotes: Baseball and theater! Johan Santana's Perfect Game, by local playwright Jonathan Wemette, will be premiering at the Minnesota Fringe Festival this August. For more information, please look here.
Blizzards for a cause! On August 10th, Team Batgirl's favorite frosty treat gets even more delicious—the secret ingredient is charity. Every Blizzard you buy that day benefits the Children's Miracle Network. Team Batgirl, I assume, will be taking this as a challenge.
Shek and Jesse eaten. Oh the humanity. Evil, evil scrunts.
Click on the TD for additional Narf history.
Posted by: TD at July 30, 2006 10:59 PMDang it. Click on _this_ TD. Bah. That other one is some dude.
Posted by: TD at July 30, 2006 11:01 PMMike Redmond dancing in the clubhouse naked... that seems a little frightening! You've done it again Batgirl, I was looking forward to another flippin' hilarious recap- it seemed like forever ago since the last one (a whole two days!). Yay for Narfs and (fingers crossed) Wild Card Berths.
Did anyone else catch Little Nicky Punto on Rosen's Sports Sunday? He wasn't wearing his super hero attire, but he did a nice job with the play by play recaps.
Posted by: L.H. girl at July 30, 2006 11:16 PMPat Neshek gets a bedtime story from his mom, I get one from BG. And with that, I'm off to sleep. I hope wild cards will be dancing in my head tonight instead of scrunts.
Posted by: Shelley at July 30, 2006 11:25 PMOMG the evil scrunts! HAHAHAHAHHA.
And here I was, thinking we won because I threatened to attack the entire Detroilet line-up with a FlowBee. Well, thank narf we succeeded!
and Neshek gets his first win in the Majors... I'm fairly sure there are going to be a couple more of those as time passes...
Posted by: CapitalBabs at July 30, 2006 11:52 PMToo bad the movie couldn't have played out like this instead. It might've been more entertaining!
Jeepers & Oy Veys, y'didn't have to call 'em "scrunts". That's just mean. "Boojums" would have been quite sufficiently acidulous (not to mention bridging nicely from narfs, via snarks and so forth).
Remember, the scrunts hate the Bitch Sox too. And their followers do not oppose Wild Card Berth Days for the Twins. There are, after all, varying degrees of enemyhood.
It was potent magic the narfs created, for that one half-inning. But don't expect a picnic under the yum-yum tree in the scrunts' spacious lair, a semi-fortnight hence. Away from the Evildome, the laws of physics are more predictable, and bewitchment and conjury are but as fiddle-dee-dee. And then we'll see.
Dear Bat-girl
Just one day left for you guys to trade us Johan, Liriano and Kubel for A-Rod ! Hurry ! Before it's too late !!!
p.e.m.
Posted by: public enemy mike at July 31, 2006 12:04 AMsorry, P.E.M. but we need to add a bat who can handle actual pressure situations. ARod ExtraDry is no good to us.
Posted by: TD at July 31, 2006 12:08 AMAhh, new yorkers and their issues with Arod. I still find it amazing that the "fans" boo their 2005 AL MVP for going through a slump. Did he not hit that walk off homer against the braves in june only to be booed days later for striking out. And are the boos supposed to help him out of the slump somehow? Now I'm not saying that I'm an Arod fan, because I'm not, but if you boo someone everytime they fail, then you don't deserve a player like Johan or Cisco. Maybe he gets booed because he's extremely overpaid, but the rangers offered him that insane amount of money because they felt that he was worth it. I don't know about you but I sure as hell wouldn't turn down that kind of money if it was offered to me and I'm not sure if many MLers would either.
I just think NY fans are very fickle. (not all, some of my friends are very loyal met fans) There was even a time a few years ago, when they were booing jeter at yankee stadium when he was slumping, so it's not just arod.
Oh yeah, and Arod in a Twin's uniform? Something just seems very unnatural about that.
Posted by: Grace at July 31, 2006 12:22 AMBy the way Batgirl, how is the sideburn contest coming?
Posted by: Grace at July 31, 2006 12:24 AMDear Grace
A-Rod will only stop getting booed when he wins a World Series with us. That's the way love goes sometimes.
p.e.m.
Posted by: public enemy mike at July 31, 2006 12:38 AMWait, isn't "narf" what Pinky of Pinky and the Brain used to say? All this time, was he trying to tell us something about peace and goodwill and Wild Card berths?
Posted by: Annun at July 31, 2006 12:40 AMSo I guess the only players that you don't boo are Mo, jeter, williams, and posada... seeing as how they are the only players to experience a world series win with the yankees?
Posted by: Grace at July 31, 2006 12:44 AMWait... why does it sound like I'm saying "don't boo Arod"?
The way I see it, the more you guys boo him, the more he will struggle, the more the yankees lose because of his struggles, and that's one less team the Twins have to compete with for the wild card.
Keep on Booing!
Mike-Thanks for the smile. Hoping for another Twins-Yankees ALDS. Also, you guys need to blow some saves for papelbon. Cisco has enough competition with Verlander and Weaver for ROY.
Posted by: Bob at July 31, 2006 12:59 AMactually, if Cashman picks up 128% of A-Rod's salary and will take Lyle (not Kyle) in return, we'll gladly return him to shortstop and nuture his fragile soul back into the MVP race.
Posted by: TD at July 31, 2006 01:02 AMBonderman, more like Balkman. hahahahahaha
Posted by: Matt at July 31, 2006 02:36 AMas someone who has not seen but knows the plot points of the movie, I am saddened in adding the "twist" to the end of this analogy.
BG have you given up hope so soon? Say it ain't so!
Posted by: icephoenix at July 31, 2006 04:40 AMNOOOOOO!!! NOBODY eats Jesse Crain and gets away with it! stupid scrunts. stupid Detroit.
somebody earlier reminded me of a quote I read in the Detroit News. so, speaking of Detroilet:
As Tigers coach Andy Van Slyke put it [of playing in the Metrodome]: "It's like playing in a toilet bowl with the lid down."
I guess he would know, wouldn't he?
Posted by: kafumbly at July 31, 2006 06:34 AMFirst, not all YankeeFans are boo-birds. some support their team unconditionally whether the team is 8 games out of first in May or welcoming Abreu and Lidle into the fold at the trading deadline.
As for A-Rod in a Twins uni, I believe with the attitude in the Minnesota clubhouse (starting with Gardenhire), not to mention the media, A-Rod would likely bat .370 with 50 HRs and 180 RBIs for you guys. That being said, I like him just fine where he is.
The Twins and Yanks need to meet in the postseason -- that's just the natural order of things. I cannot wait.
Best of luck to you for the remainder of the season.
Warmest thoughts,
YankeeFan
BG, I would never doubt the truthfulness of one of your reports, but there was another factor at work Sunday that you weren't aware. Of an elderly friend of mine, a die-hard Twins fan, passed away Saturday night. You can't convince me that she didn't pull a few strings in the eighth inning on Sunday. Thank you, Verlyn.
Posted by: Jeff A at July 31, 2006 08:33 AMDear Mr. A.,
Indeed. Thank you, Verlyn.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
I'd rather not meet the Yankees in the post season. It's pretty predictable when we do - win the first game and lose the next three. Back in 02 we didn't play them and someone took care of them for us. We almost won the Pennant that year. *grumble*rallymonkiesstupidangelsbeatus*grrrrr*
But since I have a soft spot for the Yankees and you are a nice Yankee fan, Yankeefan, good luck with the rest of your season.
Posted by: Shelley at July 31, 2006 09:16 AMI think it would be different now that we have another ace. No teams want to face out latin lefties. :)
Posted by: Nora at July 31, 2006 09:35 AMHate to admit it, but Van Slyke's comment about the HHH is spot on. Do we really have to wait until 2010 before we can put the lid up? Hate the Dome. Love the Twins.
Posted by: E-6 at July 31, 2006 09:48 AMI for one, would not want to make any trade that involves either of our "latin lefties". And even if A-rod would do that good here in Minnesota, I would just feel like he wrecked our reputation of winning with what we've grown here in MN (Rochester). And I think he has an attitude that doesn't say "MN Twins" either.
I am also wondering the same as Grace, is there still the Sideburn Contest? I thought the pics had to be in last night already?
Posted by: L.H. girl at July 31, 2006 09:50 AMVery classy, YankeeFan! Are you a New Yorker? I ask because yours is an unusual stance for a Yankee fan--the ones I usually run into are fickle and have unreasonable expectations for their team--and live in NYC.
And p.e.m.--Good Lord,we can have A-Rod for the absloutely paltry price of Santana, Lirano, and Kubel?! Such a deal!! That's simply not fair, we could never sleep at night knowing we got so much for so little. Let us throw in Mauer too, and we'll pay the rest of A-Rod's contract as well. Does TR know about this offer? Someone get him on the horn!
Posted by: Carmen at July 31, 2006 09:56 AMI really liked Lady in the Water, actually.
Posted by: CarrieICL at July 31, 2006 09:58 AMVery classy indeed Yankeefan. I am also from NY and I don't meet too many loyal yankeefans but when I do, I have nothing but respect for them. Its the fickle ones I have a problem with. I agree that Arod probably would do better in another clubhouse. But he clearly wants to stay in NY no matter how much he gets booed by the same fans that demand curtain calls from his game winning hits.
I'm looking forward to the 3 game series in NY. I'll be there each night and I think I'm going to make a sign for neshek on the 3rd because I read that his birthday is the very next day. Or would that be stupid?
anyway if you click on my name you'll see that the tigers have made a trade.
Posted by: Grace at July 31, 2006 10:06 AMI also can't wait for the Yanks-Twins in Sept. Don't know why MLB always seems to make me wait so long to see my Twins here, but at least it gives me something to look forward to all summer. Hopefully this year I won't get heckled by a couple of drunk Yank fans for wearing the shirt of a guy (Santana, nat.) who completely embarassed their team.
Posted by: Packman at July 31, 2006 10:19 AMIt would appear that Chris Shelton's best impersonation of Bill Buckner against the Twins yesterday cost him his job. The Tigers have picked up Sean Casey from the Pirates and sent Shelton down to AAA. Click my nick for the story.
JC
Posted by: JimCrikket at July 31, 2006 10:21 AMGetting heckled by drunk yankee fans is awesome. Especially when Santana shuts them down like he did last year. I wore my Santana jersey proudly and he took care of the rest.
Posted by: Grace at July 31, 2006 10:26 AMKyle Lohse has been traded to the Reds for a single-A pitcher.
Goodbye, Lyle/Kyle.
Posted by: Andre at July 31, 2006 10:34 AMLink on the Lohse trade:
http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20060731&content_id=1585414&vkey=pr_min&fext=.jsp&c_id=min
Posted by: Andre at July 31, 2006 10:36 AMIt's official. Cincinnati is the Twins' preferred toxic waste dump.
Posted by: twayn at July 31, 2006 10:42 AMSingle A? Ouch. It's too bad the team has to once again "settle" for a low-level prospect for what was at one point a worthwhile tradebait. Really makes me wish they would've moved him and JC last year when they had wanted too.
New rule among Twins land. No trade rumors. I think they start to suck when they realize the team may not want them.
-------------
In lighter news, BG...awesome write up. The twist ending to the series was so bizarre, it could only have come from the mind of M. Night Shamalyan.
Posted by: Torhu at July 31, 2006 10:43 AM>I am also wondering the same as Grace, is there
>still the Sideburn Contest? I thought the pics
>had to be in last night already?
BG's told me that she'll be holding the Sideburns contest later this week.
Posted by: Salt-Man Z at July 31, 2006 10:57 AMNo "ouch" at all, really, Torhu. Zach Ward is 7-0 at Dayton this year with some pretty good stats to go along with that W-L record. Not exactly a "sure thing" but definitely a legit prospect. I'd say fair value at this point and, who knows, maybe the change of scenery will do wonders for Lohse.
JC
Posted by: JimCrikket at July 31, 2006 10:59 AMFickle-Schmickle.....
Fans of all teams have the right to boo a player that is not playing up to expectations.
The answer is simple. Hey A-Rod, play better and earn the 25 million, and do it in October when it really matters.
Posted by: public enemy mike at July 31, 2006 11:00 AM"Fans of all teams have the right to boo a player that is not playing up to expectations."
I dunno, p.e.m., I've always thought an ounce of sugar is worth a pound of salt. (To a point, of course.) I think booing one's own is a serious act and should not be done lightly.
"...Who knows, maybe the change of scenery will do wonders for Lohse..."
And would anyone else just die if Lohse pulled a David Ortiz? Made a magical 180 into a dominant pitcher and a local folk hero with his own nickname?
Posted by: Carmen at July 31, 2006 11:05 AMlet's not joke about that Carmen. you just made me a little bit sick to my stomach.
Posted by: iowa guy at July 31, 2006 11:17 AMMike Schimdt might be the greatest 3rd baseman of all time, and he was booed by phillies' fan almost his whole career. It bothered him but he eventually won the fans over.
Being loyal fan doesn't mean you need to be a Stepford Fan. To each their own I guess. Maybe the East Coast is just a rougher place then the Midwest.
A-Rod won't be the first player that couldn't handle the pressure on the East Coast.
Posted by: public enemy mike at July 31, 2006 11:18 AMBG: Outstanding recap as always...
Much better than the movie--at least I only paid half price for the movie.
DAM
Posted by: DAM-DC Twins Fan at July 31, 2006 11:51 AM1. BG, this was brilliant. A friend of mine was trying to get me to see this movie with him (i know, i KNOW), but now i can just tell him that i've read the story and that, as usual, the movie just won't do it justice. heh.
2. p.e.m, do you really want to compare your people to Phillies fans? i mean, they're related to Eagles (football) fans, and altogether that's just not a town most people want to play professional sports in. from what i understand.
(I mean, i'm not particularly trying to criticize; yankees fans will be what they will be, and i think that's great. Still, when you have to resort to comparing your actions to those of the brotherly love-towners, i'm just saying it might be time to take a step back and see how far you've come.)
Posted by: AT at July 31, 2006 11:52 AMThe Tigers really didn't like playing at the Dome
"This place, this Metrodome," Tigers catcher Vance Wilson said. "I'm ready for them to build their new place and blow this thing up."
http://www.startribune.com/509/story/584071.html
Did anyone else go to the autograph signings at BBs around the Cities? a few pictures from the Morneau event at my blog (name link).
Posted by: Michelle at July 31, 2006 12:23 PMNew York, Philly, and Boston Fans are pretty close to the same thing. For some reason people just like to think Philly is worse. It's an undeserved reputation.
Posted by: public enemy mike at July 31, 2006 12:23 PMDear Annun,
Yes...Narf is exactly what Pinky used to say to Brain during their innumerable attempts to take over the world.
It had multiple meanings.
My hope is that Mr. Spielberg will be filing his lawsuit against Mr. Shamalyan soon...unless of course he gave him the rights to use the term prior to the release of his new film.
Though I suppose it is possible that he never actually copyrighted that word...but somehow I think Mr. Spielberg would have thought of that.
RE: Blizzards for Charity
Did you know there's a DQ Blizzard Fan Club?? (Click me.)
Posted by: wc at July 31, 2006 01:58 PM
