Cleveland at Twins. Cleveland 11, Twins 0.
4) They seemed like such a happy couple, neighbors said. Sure there was some fighting over the upbringing of their son, who was a rather moody chap, but you'd never know the queen was having an affair with the king's brother and conspiring with him to viciously kill her husband. In fact, no one would have known a thing had the king's ghost not decided to take a quick jaunt around the castle one night and tell the son everything. And boy was the son pissed, so much so that at the Elsinore softball game he hit two three-run home runs against his uncle/father. Unfortunately, his brother/ cousin later poisoned him with an ass-bat.
3) Okay, there was this other king, right? And his brother was a total moron. He let his wife run off with this pantywaist prince, and once again it was the king's job to clean up the mess. He was going to bring a world of hurt down on the prince and his whole city-state (with the help of the world's greatest warrior, who was completely immortal—except for this itsy bitsy little part on his heel, but who would ever hit that?) just as soon as he could set sail. There was just this little problem—he'd offended Artemis, who is so touchy—and she sent a bad wind and they couldn't leave port to go kick some Trojan ass. So he asked a prophet what to do and the prophet naturally advised that the king sacrifice his daughter. The king was like, "Is that all?" So he had his wife send the girl up to a mountain under the pretense she was going to marry that same world's greatest warrior. (The queen was surprised because the warrior had not shown that much interest in girls before, but what are you going to do?) When she found out the truth, well, she was majorly p.o.ed. So, when the king came back from the war she stabbed him in the bathtub and then hit two three-run home runs off his lifeless body.
2) There was this king who thought his marriage was going really well. Sure, there'd been some stress, like when his brother seized the throne from him, but the king got it back when Zeus had the sun set in the east in support of his candidacy. It sounds weird, but it was really impressive at the time. So he banished his brother, ruled Mycene, and all was well. Until he found the queen in an extra-hot embrace with his brother. Boy, did that tick him off! So, under the pretense of reconciliation, he invited his brother over for din-din. He gathered together his brother's sons, killed them, baked them into a pie, and fed them to their father as the main course. He felt much better then. But his brother would get his revenge. He had a new son and he squirrled him away in a cave where he raised him and threw BP for him every day so, when the boy finally came of age, he could exact his terrible revenge at the annual House of Atreus softball game and barbeque.
1) In October of 2002, Twins general manager Terry Ryan released Casey Blake. Actually, Blake took it rather well.
I love you, Bat-Girl. This is my first time gumptioning up to comment, I hope that isn't too forward.
Also I love Little Nicky Punto even if that second slide was totally hammy. Do you give B.O.D.'s on losses? Can he have a B.O.D.?
Posted by: twinkiething at May 24, 2006 10:27 PMBrilliant. Brilliant.
Posted by: Neil at May 24, 2006 10:47 PMBG, today's was the first game of the season that i saw on a real TV in real MN, and so it holds a special place in my heart even if it was for the most part like watching nails fly at my eyes. That said, your recap could not be more appropriate. geez, and i though Hafner was bad.
I'll have to console myself with thoughts of friday's FLiriano-FHernandez matchup,for me the most anticipated game in a very very long time.
Posted by: AT at May 24, 2006 11:24 PMI have entered a bet with one of my friends in Seattle, who is a huge Mariners fan. If the Twins win the series, she sends me Space Noodles, if the Mariners win, I send her some wild rice. I hope the Twins win!
Posted by: talldrinkowater at May 25, 2006 12:25 AMAwesome.
Posted by: BAT bandwagoner at May 25, 2006 12:32 AMMy one consolation after being witness to such futility is that at least your post may provide some mirth in yet another dark day - hopefully, a different sort of mirth than watching T-Fat field third base as the reincarnation of Tim Teufel (yes, I know that Teufel played second, not third - but it seems an apt comparison).
Those Greek sure had a lust for revenge. They make Shakespeare look like a WB drama. Talking to curtains and muttering in hallway just can't compete with serving up family members limbs for appetizers. Do you want to try the onion dip? Ha!
Thanks for coming up with the goods again! If only Badke and the pen could be so consistant.
So that's how we got Rosencrantz at third and Guilderstern in right.
Posted by: The Commish at May 25, 2006 01:11 AMRos. Let's go.
Guil. We can't.
Ros. Why not?
Guil. We're waiting for the ass-bats to leave.
PAUSE.
Ros. We could hang ourselves...
Posted by: Bob Violence at May 25, 2006 02:19 AMBob, That has to be the funniest thing I have ever read, ...of course apart from anything that BG contributes to this world of longing for Twins wins.
Now the only question left, is how to explain to my wife I'm not going with her to the acupuncturist(sp?)on Saturday morning in order to watch Francisco v. Frankie on my 5.2" MLB.TV screen
wow... Twins fans really ARE the most literate in baseball! *wink*
I'm surprised MacBeth didn't make an appearance..
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 25, 2006 09:24 AMI think I sense a theme here .......
Blake's been a "Brunansky-type" for the Indians ....
and we sure could've used a "Brunansky-type" these past three seasons.
Posted by: BD at May 25, 2006 09:50 AMIf you're going to do tragedy, why not go all the way? Why settle for one death, when you can have corpses littering the stage. And what the heck, go ahead and kill off Cordelia, for no good reason. And then, let's give up another three-run homer, because at this point, it really doesn't matter. And then, bring on Cisco vs. Felix. As the old cliche goes, it's a whole new ballgame.
Thank you, BG. Fodder for your blog was about the only good thing to come from that game. I don't know how you do it, but boy am I glad you do.
Posted by: WC at May 25, 2006 12:03 PMAhhh, the field littered with corpses. It was a perfect Greek Tragedy the Twins performed for me yesterday.
I dislike tragedies, but it's better than an empty stage in January. Or my office.
Posted by: JustBeth at May 25, 2006 12:37 PMheh. heh. heh.
When Casey Blake sees Batista at 3rd base for the Twins now, I wonder if he even bothers trying to hide his laughter. I was a little embarrassed to have Batista paraded in front of Koskie last weekend, and I suppose Cuddyer also might shake his head any time he gets a glance at the man standing at his old position, but Blake must have more right than anyone to wonder just what the hell is the standard for what it takes a 3rd baseman to impress the Twins brass.
But I'd still like to know, just what did any of us ever do to tick off Craig Monroe?
Posted by: frightwig at May 25, 2006 03:34 PMDesdamona, not mentioned above, is one of Torii's kids, right? I am leary of my spelling of her name; get it? leary?
Posted by: al at May 25, 2006 03:49 PMI know Des was Othello's main squeeze, and had nothing to do with Tim Lear, er King Leary.
Posted by: al at May 25, 2006 03:51 PMThanks for coming up with the goods again! If only Badke and the pen could be so consistant.
How much more consistent could Badke possibly be?
Posted by: SBG at May 25, 2006 04:52 PMTechnically, I believe the Twins did not "release" David Ortiz but rather declined to offer him a contract at the December deadline, thereby making him a free agent, because Terry Ryan didn't want to pay what he expected the arbitrator would award Ortiz.
We may debate the wisdom of the decision based on Ortiz's track record at the time, but before anyone else gets to feeling too smug, keep in mind that David Ortiz floated around the free agent market for a month that winter. Twenty-eight other teams passed on him, and Theo Epstein only signed him as a $1.25m 1B/DH platoon option to go with Kevin Millar, Shea Hillenbrand, Dave McCarty, and Jeremy Giambi. It must be nice when your GM can sign 5-6 guys to play 1B/DH, then sit back and see what sticks. Genius!
Just sayin'.
Posted by: frightwig at May 25, 2006 09:37 PMBig Matty Love had an interesting night..
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=260525120
What do you call it when you release a promising prospect because you have plenty of them at the time but the ones you keep get traded anyway for other prospects or just get less and less promising, and the promising prospect you released ends up in your division and every time he plays you he hurts you the way poison ivy on second-degree sunburn hurts? Ass-karma?
Posted by: twayn at May 26, 2006 01:09 AMSo I had to drive to Bitchtown yesterday for the day and didn't get the opportunity to check out BG.com, but I thought... well the Twins lost Wednesday and it's an off day and chances are I won't miss much.
Then I catch up today... and as I'm reading, I'm thinking, "where the hell is BG going with this? has she finally flipped out completely!?" (because I never read ahead... whether it be book or blog).
And then I reach the final line and spew coffee all over my keyboard.
The company techies are really going to start wondering why I keep needing new keyboards several times each summer.
Thanks BG!
Posted by: JimCrikket at May 26, 2006 10:13 AM