During the first couple innings of the home opener yesterday, Team Batgirl thought a lot about whether they have been too harsh about ass bats. After all, the "bass ats," as some jauntily call them, have been with us for a long time. So maybe Team Batgirl should stop being so whiny and, you know, focus on the positive. I mean, this could be a long-term relationship. So instead of carping, why not think about the the fact that ass bats, since they're infrequently used for hitting, can be hollowed out like ye olde pirate telescope and used to steal signs from the opposing dugout all while making totally fun pirate noises. Or the fact that, since ass bats are more, er, flacid than the typical bat, they can be tied around the neck in a pinch and used as a totally phat Oscar Wilde-style floppy necktie. But ever since T-Fat went yard yesterday, we've stopped pretending to be all Stockholm Syndromey about the ass bats. Instead, we're singing Fifty Ways to Leave Your Ass Bat: So leave it on the floor, Tor; drop it on the mat, T-Fat; give it a throw, Joe; just let the thing go. Tell it you're through, Stew; drop it in the well, Rondell; make it find a new buddy, Cuddy; just give it a throw.
Batgirl's on vacation. Therefore, Goober has been under a great deal of pressure as the Acting BODSHC. Sooz has been lobbying for a stricter interpretation of the "boyfriends first" policy, while Goober himself feels a slight tug toward giving Justin a long-overdue nod. But something strange happened during the game today. As what's left of Team Batgirl enjoyed the game from the spacious Batquarters in the Kemps milk carton in right field, Goober noticed Batbaby staring off toward center. Now she's just beginning to see more than a few feet in front of her, so it's quite remarkable when she focuses on something. But there she was, with her eyes cast in the general direction of Mr. T. Sweetcheeks Hunter, watching all goo-goo eyes as he hit a home run, had two hits, and scored three runs. And isn't that just enough to make a Batbaby's heart flutter. So call us crazy, but somebody just declared her first boyfriend. And while Goober might ordinarily be thinking of ways to beat the living crap out of Batbaby's first boyfriend, in this instance, that boyfriend is not just a boyfriend: He's the Boyfriend of the Day.
Batbaby 2; The Field 1; All Others 0.
Posted by Goober at April 12, 2006 09:24 PMWow! The BatBaby's first boyfriend!
*wiping away tear*
I'm so proud.
Posted by: Batgirl at April 12, 2006 10:41 PMExcellent poetry on 50 ways to leave your ass bat, Goober. And you capture a sweet moment in baseball - when a child is introduced to the game and latches on to a star. What good taste, too. Torii is our modern day Kirby - a beautiful cat! And batbaby is a beautiful kitty in her own right.
Posted by: john r. tunis at April 12, 2006 10:55 PMBatbaby has excellent taste!
Love the 50 ways to leave your ass bats-too funny.
Thanks a lot, now I will have THAT song in my head for 2 days.
Any opinions on the vests? I think they are goofy and make some of the players look......well....hefty.
A wise, wise choice, Ms. C.
I could tell by the look in your eyes opening night that YOU are a Bat Prodigy.
Goober, you must be s PROUD.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at April 12, 2006 11:08 PMI must say that this has been as heartwarming a BOD description as i have seen in all my long-toothed days. For what, indeed, could be more precious than Batbaby's first BF?? 3 runs scored, that's what, along with usual solid defense and a smile that could stop traffic on 394. Good work, Batbaby; good work.
Posted by: AT at April 13, 2006 12:56 AMSo then is BatBaby offically in the BOD contest ?
Posted by: public enemy mike at April 13, 2006 01:12 AM"bass ats"... love it.
Incidentally, a few weeks ago, I saw a large vehicle that said "Bass Trucking" on it... which made me laugh, thinking about the translation that would result using the "Trucking Bassbowl" cipher.
Posted by: let's go mets at April 13, 2006 03:36 AMYou are a woman of great discernment, BatBaby. Brava. And bravo, Torii!!
Posted by: Georgia Girl at April 13, 2006 07:53 AM...they grow up so fast...
Posted by: heraldguy at April 13, 2006 09:07 AMThe young miss is brilliant, indeed, and knows a good thing when she sees it. It must be the excellent genetics.
I'm sure Torii will be pleased to know he's her chosen one.
Congratulations BatBaby.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at April 13, 2006 09:26 AMCongrats to the baby!
And I'm glad to see that BG's spiritual retreat has internet access. Now she'll know what it's like to be just a poster like the rest of us!
Posted by: Roscoe at April 13, 2006 09:48 AMAre you sure Auntie hasn't been coaching the BatBaby on her choice of Twins Boyfriend? I was wondering whether BG might openly declare her love for Torii with the start of a fresh season. Now, I sense she's recruited an impressionable ally proxy to get a second marker in the BOD race, instead. Clever girl.
Posted by: frightwig at April 13, 2006 03:09 PMBefore last night I was pretty sure the Mariners had stolen the ass-bats from the Twins. But if they had them, they don't anymore. I hope they had a ritual sacrifice with them instead of giving them back. We don't want them.
Posted by: jenninseattle at April 13, 2006 05:16 PMNo love for Kyle Lohse? It might be the only good start he turns in for months! Regardless, glad to see you start 'em young.
Posted by: MNPundit at April 13, 2006 06:44 PMI'm glad the secret Batquarters have been enlarged back to gallon size.
That Grip & Go bottle last season must have been very cramped, and with the new batbaby, well...we know the BatFamily needs the additional space, since babies require so many things that are normally not needed inside a secret Batquarters type place.
Nice choice Batbaby.
Torii's gonna be thrilled when Auntie Batgirl tells him!!
Batbaby experienced love at first sight, literally.
Posted by: gemgirl at April 14, 2006 08:05 AM