Twins at Cleveland. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday: Cleveland 11, Twins 6
Saturday: Cleveland 3, Twins 0.
Sunday: Cleveland 3, Twins 2.
Listen, my children. Gather 'round. Come closely—no, that's close enough, I have intimacy issues—for I have a tale for you that will chill you to the bone. Do you know the story of the monster known as the Travishafner? Part phantom, part beast, he travels with the wind and the night looking for innocent souls on which to feast. He is voraciously hungry and he will not rest until he has devoured the ERAs of every Twins pitcher. You cannot plead with the Travishafner for he knows no sympathy, no mercy—he is driven only by his need to feed. No, my children, do not wander alone in Jacobs Field at night for the Travishafner lurks there waiting to pounce on you, and when he is done with you there will be nothing left but a pile of bones and your own screams still hanging in the air. You cannot run from him, for he moves as fast as the wind. You cannot hide from him, for he can smell your fear.
Some say the Travishafner is just a myth. They are the lucky ones.
"I have seen him," said Kyle Lohse. "He has red eyes and sharp fangs and he can kill you just by looking in your eyes. Also he hit two home runs off me."
"I have seen him," said Scott Baker. "He has superhuman strength and he blots out the sun and he also hit a homer off of me."
"I have seen him," said Johan Santana. "He has a heart of ice, a soul of darkness, and he breathes fire. I got him out because I am Johan Santana. But I would have appreciated some run support."
No one knows where the Travishafner come from. Some say he is a government experiment gone horribly awry. Some he is a demon banished from hell and forced to walk the earth. Some say he is from North Dakota. But I think the Travishafner comes from inside us. I think our fear created him, and our fear continues to make him stronger.
We cannot stop him, that is clear. The Travishafner will continue to prey on us at least seventeen more times this season. All we can do is try to overcome him, to take our fear and imagine it as a little round white ball and attempt to hit it very far with long wooden sticks. At least it's worth a try.
This problem might require some pitchforks, maybe some torches. Does anyone know of a flammable windmill near Cleveland?
Posted by: Phil at April 9, 2006 03:14 PM"...don't panic..." stated Bert at the end of today's (Sun.) broadcast. Ok. The first week of baseball sucks, however. And I, and my sweetie, spent the past week traveling with our hapless Twins in Toronto and for Friday's game in Cleveland.
Tuesday night was fun only to see a home opener in another town--lots of cool dry ice smoke to introduce the teams. Good natured ribbing from Blue Jays fans. Ok, perhaps the home team is supposed to win their opener. Wednesday--proud to be a Twins fan. Only a couple of us in the stands to cheer Tori's grand slam. Fun, joyous, ok, let's go! Thursday. Great dinner at the top of the CN tower by the Skydome, beautiful day, crappy game outcome. Friday--drive in the a.m. to Cleveland in a downpour from Buffalo, NY. to the hotel near Jacobs. We hope for a delay as we were needing a nap. No. Game is on time. Real foggy, cold, wet seats. Did not see another Twins fan anywhere around first base. Yes, Creepy Travishafner, lurking in his foggy, cold, soulless air space. Left early. Cold, bitter.
Hid in our hotel room, drank scotch.
So, Sat. and Sunday we drove home, listened to the games on XM/WCCO (can pick it up after Tomah, Wi).
Why, I ask, did the team pack the ass bats?
Ok, new bats for Tues. home opener, where it is appropriate for us to win.
onwards, kal
Posted by: kal at April 9, 2006 03:18 PMUrg.
I'm not panicking, but this has not been a promising week.
Posted by: CarrieICL at April 9, 2006 03:36 PMI am not ready to panic too much yet, but isn't this the time where hitting is supposed to be ahead of pitching? The Twins "revamped" offense doesn't appear to subsribe to that.
Watching the Brewers right now (about to finally lose). Koskie is 3-4 and now hitting over .500 for the Brew Crew.
I miss the #47 who played 3B with that sweet glove and who broke a chair to stop his assbat.
Posted by: Shaun at April 9, 2006 04:08 PMAww, everyone knows the vernacular name for genus Hafner species Travis is Pronkzilla....
Posted by: tim in tampa at April 9, 2006 04:15 PMdamn nodaks.
Posted by: Say Rah! at April 9, 2006 05:24 PMHe is truly an evil being. The combination of The Travishafner (who is destined to be a Yankee one day) and Aaron F'ing Boone (whose short stint as a Yankee is the stuff of legend) is a potent one indeed.
Posted by: LaurieNY at April 9, 2006 07:01 PMOne word sums this weekend up, OUCH!!!
Posted by: JohansAngel at April 9, 2006 07:34 PMI hope Laurie is wrong. As much as I'd like to see the Travishafner out of the division, seeing him in pinstripes would be even more horrific than seeing him 19 times per season.
It's a good thing El Presidente is around to show the youngsters that the beast can be tamed. The thought of Lyle battling the beast reminds me of Keanu Reaves trying to fight Dracula. My eyes! My eyes!
Posted by: e-9 at April 9, 2006 07:53 PMBanished from hell/from North Dakota? I'm not sure which is more fearsome.
Posted by: Ryan at April 9, 2006 08:51 PMStupid Hafner, giving my home state a bad name. *shakes fist*
Posted by: rach at April 9, 2006 08:58 PMif the Travishafner were on our team, there would be no need to fear him.
hahahaha... oh, I crack myself up sometimes. like that would ever happen. the Twins staff fear him because he's got too much offense. they wouldn't know what to do with him.
Posted by: kafumbly at April 9, 2006 09:12 PMI'm sorry, but Travis Hafner looks like Fred Flinstone. Anybody with me??
Posted by: Rivasfan at April 9, 2006 09:43 PMLaurie, i agree with you. Aaron f'ing, my least favorite player is combined with this Hafner beast, the player whom i fear most. Not good at all.
Posted by: AT at April 9, 2006 09:54 PMAhh! My eyes! The Travishafner got me!
Posted by: Twinsboy at April 9, 2006 10:04 PMSomebody hold me.
Posted by: NY-Brian at April 10, 2006 12:12 AMHmmmm..... I kind of like the idea of the Travishafner wearing pinstripes, but we need pitching more.
Anyone know where we could get, I don't know, say a young 27 yo, left handed staff ace that throws a nasty nasty circle change and isn't afraid of the Travishafner, would be a plus he came from, I don't know, Venezuela maybe.
Know where we could find one of those ?
Posted by: public enemy mike at April 10, 2006 12:17 AMLooks like Grendel.
Posted by: MikeQ at April 10, 2006 01:35 AMin my experience it is NEVER NEVER NEVER too early to panic
Posted by: dan in london at April 10, 2006 02:36 AM[[TWINS RULE!!!! BRAD RADKE HAS LUSCIOUS MAN-CURLS!]]]
Posted by: zach malatov at April 10, 2006 05:23 AMI hope Laurie is wrong. As much as I'd like to see the Travishafner out of the division, seeing him in pinstripes would be even more horrific than seeing him 19 times per season.
It's a good thing El Presidente is around to show the youngsters that the beast can be tamed. The thought of Lyle battling the beast reminds me of Keanu Reaves trying to fight Dracula. My eyes! My ears!
Somehow I posted twice. PEBKAC. Sorry.
Posted by: e-9 at April 10, 2006 07:25 AMHe has to be from North Dakota. North Dakota is the only place capable of releasing such evil.
Anyone that has seen their hockey team knows what I'm talking about.
Posted by: brent at April 10, 2006 08:08 AMp.e.m., it's been said before, and it bears repeating ...
Hands off!!!
Posted by: e-9 at April 10, 2006 08:13 AMI agree that it's never too early to panic. One of the most time-tested conventional wisdoms in baseball is that you can't win a pennant in April. The lesser-known footnote on that wisdom is that you can certainly lose pennants in April.
Posted by: Kurtis at April 10, 2006 08:52 AMOk, so i really dislike this travishafner. I had a few nightmares about him thursday night, they came true all weekend. All i know is that the twins are undefeated this year when i wear my "No Ass-Bats" shirt. It will be on for the home opener. And we will beat Oakland. And i will be happy.
Posted by: Tinger at April 10, 2006 09:23 AMok, Tinger - I know you like to go shirtless on the weekend so you don't get that doofy Lew Ford farmer tan but...
WTF weren't you wearing it already!?!??!?!
Posted by: CapitalBabs at April 10, 2006 10:05 AMPEM
We trade the Santana man for the A-geuz guy but most of his value comes when his team is already up by 4 runs seriously he is insane when he's up by 4 But since we are never up by 4 runs we have little use for the 252mil dollar man.
PS Stupid Tom hicks built the 252-mil dollar man.
Oh dear. We're only a week into the season, and I'm already skipping listening to games because it's too stressful.
In good news, there's gotta be some regression to the mean coming up soon, right?
Posted by: twink at April 10, 2006 11:58 AMOk I went to the Indians website. Yes Travishafner is Fred Flintstone with Satan eyes. But I have a plan, the next time we play the evil satan team all of the Twins pitchers will have a garlic necklace on and have holywater and a dagger in there pockets. Maybe the whole team should do the garlic thing. Wait lets just have all of the fans wear garlic also. And lets have a garlic feed! Yea that will do it! It wouldn't hurt to throw in a couple nuns, priests,rabbis and minister for good measure. That should take care of that problem.
Posted by: Mary at April 10, 2006 01:23 PMAlthough you know the offseason is waaaaay too long when the first time The Travishafner comes up, you find yourself thinking "hmm, he is kinda hot, why didn't I ever notice that before?"
He truly has the demonic power to possess one's soul.
Posted by: LaurieNY at April 10, 2006 01:43 PMthis is WAY off topic, but a friend sent me this link to these great pictures of the new Busch Stadium. makes me drool and dream of a possible new Twins stadium and wonder why it's still taking so long!
(if clicking my name doesnt work, im pasting the link below)
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/flash/zoomGallery?section=gen&photoGalleryId=2403785&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab1pos2
TeeNutts -
Are the "family bricks" on a Walk of Fame type setup?
I've always thought the Twins should try this approach to help with funding. 2+ million fans in the region X $50 or $100/brick = 100 - 200 million not coming from the legislature...
Posted by: heraldguy at April 10, 2006 02:17 PMThe Legend of The Travishafner reminded me of this little beauty from last season:
http://72.14.203.104/search?q=cache:0n3z3tw_Bm4J:catfishstew.baseballtoaster.com/archives/259484.html
Posted by: LaurieNY at April 10, 2006 02:54 PMAt least none of Twins look like Fred Flinstone.
Posted by: Rivasfan at April 10, 2006 04:09 PMAt least FSN is showing one of the Playoff games that we won against Oakland. Maybe our boys are watching and that will remind them how it is done. I was at that game and it was MUCH more fun than the game the day before it (when Torri let the ball roll by him to the wall for an inside the dome home run) which promptly silenced us all.
Posted by: Jaguar at April 10, 2006 07:53 PMWhen are we going to realize that Batista can't hit and is killing us in the field, and White and Castillo are looking like big busts. I have to admit I expected more out of this bunch. Here's for bringing up a bunch of young prospects, ala 2000-2001, and having fun watching these guys become a solid team again. I am watching a 2002 game on FSN between the A's and our old friends the team formally known as the Twins. Those were fun times with a lot of excitement.
Posted by: Jim at April 10, 2006 07:55 PMHey Batgirl! Stacy said I said hi and you said hi back, so I just wanted to return it from me. I'm currently in Mankato, I wish I could have gone to see you! Someday we will meet! :)
Oh, and while Hafner hitting isn't good for us....he's on my fantasy team...so it kind of is good for me. Ack. Dilemmas!
Posted by: Candace at April 10, 2006 08:27 PM"When are we going to realize that Batista can't hit and is killing us in the field, and White and Castillo are looking like big busts."
When it's been more than a week. It would be a minor miracle of Batista returns to form, but giving up on Castillo and White this early would be silly.
Posted by: Gendo at April 10, 2006 08:51 PMI watched one from 2003 the other day on the Skankees channel. I whined through the whole thing. Well, up until the point when Hideki Matsui came up with bases loaded and I switched off because I knew what was coming...
Posted by: LaurieNY at April 10, 2006 08:51 PM"At least none of the Twins looks like Fred Flinstone". Yes but Lew Ford looks a lot like Barney Rubble.
Posted by: cmathewson at April 10, 2006 09:24 PMDear cmathewson,
Lew does look like Barney Rubble. But I'd rather be Barney than Fred.
Another one: Victor Martinez looks like Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Now now, some of us are from North Dakota.
Posted by: Linda at April 10, 2006 10:43 PMYeah, the problem for we North Dakotans is that while we love our Twins, we are forced to worship our baseball players that make it to the Big Leagues... Darin Erstad has a giant billboard along the interstate informing all passer-byers that he is from Jamestown. And we got very excited for him when he led the league in hits that year. Rick Helling was worshipped as a pitching god the year that he won 20 games... and now, Travis "Pronk" Hafner, aka Travishafner, makes us beam w/ pride every time he jacks a home run. But damn it Trav, couldn't you take it easy on the Twins? If nothing else, I did appreciate that he, unlike certain Blue Jays in Toronto, respects Johan. And that my friends, is what ND is all about: respect. Respect, and giant ceramic cows... Respect, giant ceramic cows, and prarie dogs... Yeah, that pretty much covers it.
Posted by: Stuart at April 11, 2006 03:05 PMYea, I bring unto you the words of the Lady of the Outfield Fountains at the Stadium of Kauffman. She has foretold of a grim future involving the meek and mediocre men in royal blue. For in less than a fortnight, she has foreseen the arrival of that most harrowing beast, the Travishafner, to the glorious emerald fields of the Land of Kauffman. The Phalanx of Misfit Pitchers, many of them cast off from other tribes, tremble in their blue robes, anticipating the arrival of the Travishafner. If the mighty Knights of Gardenhire cannot best the Travishafner, then whatever will become of the meek and mediocre men in blue?
The Travishafner must be stopped, but look not to the Knights of Buddy Bell. Squires Elarton, Affeldt, Hernandez, and Mays (a former Knight of Gardenhire) will be no match for the Travishafner, and their bloated ERAs and scorched confidence shall serve as the mark of the beast.
Heal thyself, fair warriors of Minnesota, for the Travishafner shall return.