Now, my dears, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm so sorry to be the one to break it to you. Are you sitting down? Really? Good. Do you have a box of Kleenex? And some Ambiorix? You do? Well, then--there's no choice but to be out with it. Kris and Anna: Kaput.
I'm sorry. Are you okay? I know, I know, if those two kids can't work it out, what chance do schmucks like us have in this messed-up world, huh?
To help ease your pain, a few items:
From Deadspin: George Brett's Bloopers and Practical Jokes
From McSweeneys: Steroids: The Musical
And finally: Talking Cats.
BatBusiness: Batgirl is closing in on a place to meet to watch the game on Tuesday and will post as soon as possible, though she is still taking suggestions of a good centrally located place. Why Batgirl, you ask. What's wrong with the Bulldog? We've enjoyed many lovely games at the Bulldog. Well, I'll tell you. The Bulldog owner won't have the volume on for anything but Vikings games.
But Batgirl, you say. Surely you told them you'd be bringing two to four dozen people into their fine establishment, didn't you? And surely that would be incentive enough to be a little flexible, n'est-ce pas? And I say, Oui! Oui! I did! I did tell them about all the customers and all the eating and the drinking and the money being exchanged for goods and services. And they said we don't care, we hate you Batgirl, and your stupid ass face.
So, there you go.
Posted by Batgirl at March 30, 2006 10:09 PMOh Kris and Anna. Who would have ever guessed?
Anyone who hates Batgirl has some serious issues. Basically beyond repair.
Posted by: Stacy at March 30, 2006 10:35 PMDumb stubborn Bulldogs and Anna Benson in the same column. How fitting.
I've always hated bulldogs (with the exception of the liquid Colorado variety). They are homely, drool a lot, can't control their poop and make too much noise. When I say "they" I am referring, of course, to the hockey playing Bulldogs, the Bulldog bar owners and Anna Benson.
Posted by: SDave at March 30, 2006 11:12 PM"ass face"
Ouch.
Possibly even worse than ass bats?
Posted by: dave paisley at March 31, 2006 12:04 AMMy cat has been feigning ignorance long enough.
Tonight, SHE'S telling ME a bedtime story. (I hope it's the one about the little ass-faced girl and the evil bulldog)
Go easy on the Ambiorix. Side effects are pitching like Joe Mays (circa 2005) and Scott Elarton.
Posted by: DiggityDino at March 31, 2006 07:38 AMThe Bensons are breaking up? Who could have possibly imagined this? How will we be able to concentrated on baseball with such disasters in the world?
But more importantly, the Bulldog really has no clue how to gain customers, do they? I hope we find a place that recognizes Batgirl's authority.
Posted by: JustBeth at March 31, 2006 07:53 AMIt should be against the law to no turn on the volume for the hometown team on Opening Day!
Since I am in Texas, I will be attending the Rangers Opening day, drinking free beer and eating free steaks and crawfish...though I will be thinking about the Twins!
Posted by: Army of Dad at March 31, 2006 08:01 AMIt seems that none of the bars know or care that it's baseball season, or that we have a baseball team. Across the city, bars are hosting poker nights, karaoke contests, and other fare. It sickens the soul.
Posted by: Kurtis at March 31, 2006 08:13 AMGoodbye, Anna. I'm glad you never had the chance to molest my innocent little Orioles, particularly Brian Roberts, who is so very impressionable. I had worried, you know.
Posted by: CarrieICL at March 31, 2006 08:32 AMGosh, REALLY? The Bensons! I Never would've thought. Maybe I should drop Kris from my fantasy league.
Anyone that calls Batgirl "assface" can go over to Bitch town. (the south side)
Posted by: Twinsboy at March 31, 2006 08:37 AMAfter the discontinuation of their stuffed burgers, I would expect no less asshattery from the Bulldog.
Posted by: Roscoe at March 31, 2006 09:54 AMhttp://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/14232870.htm
Uh-oh.
Shame on the Bulldog...
Batlings should all vow never to cross the threshold into their ass-y establishment again.
Posted by: bubblemint at March 31, 2006 10:18 AMOh, don't get me started on the subject of Anna Frigging Benson. I'm just glad that low-rent, bedraggled whore AND her mediocre soon-to-be-ex-husband are not infecting my team anymore.
(The opinions expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect the views of the site owner. They might, but I'm just sayiin'. Thank you.)
Posted by: LaurieNY at March 31, 2006 10:50 AMI love it when batgirl gets fiesty.
And I also love it when she quotes "Waiting for Guffman"
Posted by: NY-Brian at March 31, 2006 11:14 AMDear SDave,
The UMD Bulldogs are far, far, superior to whatever loser team you might like. You should know better. Even BG has said "Go Bulldogs!" before.
D-L
Posted by: Donnalove at March 31, 2006 11:46 AMAnd bulldogs as a pet are very cute and loveable.
Posted by: heraldguy at March 31, 2006 12:00 PMI'm looking forward to LegoVision Punto leading us through sun salutations.
While I'll still frequent the Bulldog from time to time, this is rather silly of them. Really, come on... it will be an otherwise slow Tuesday night. There's got to be someplace that can accomodate our ballgame-watching, knife-fighting antics. I'll try to think of someplace that will at least help us out with the former.
Posted by: Skorch at March 31, 2006 12:52 PMThe bar is probably too small, but I always enjoy games at the Nook across from Cretin. The whole place is like a shrine to Mauer.
Posted by: Snarky at March 31, 2006 12:53 PMRe: Talking Cats
One of my all-time favorites on one of those video clip shows was of a cat whose owners were trying to put him in a filled bath tub and the cat was protesting very clearly "NO! NO!"
I had a cat who would sometimes prowl the house in the middle of the night callling "Hel-LO? Hel-LO?" most distinctly.
And my cat Tugger would often enter the room, look at me, and say quizzically "Ma?"
Dang, BG, you should be careful. The Bulldog could burn down all Firestarter style with that kind of talk! Not that it would be a big loss of a third tier Uptown hipster bar.
I wonder if it's an amicable divorce or if Benson's teammates are lining up for ... you know.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at March 31, 2006 01:34 PMShe's single?!?! Awesome!
Posted by: S.J. at March 31, 2006 02:45 PMDear Donnalove,
there are also Hamilton Bulldogs, an AHL team, and they are worthy of hatred. that might not be the team to which SDave was referring, but we can pretend. ;-)
kafumbly
Posted by: kafumbly at March 31, 2006 08:28 PMOr the Yale Bulldogs, kafumbly! They certainly suck. Maybe SDave is a Harvard man.
Posted by: Donnalove at March 31, 2006 10:00 PMThe American Bar 2554 Como Ave border of MPLS And St Paul 26 TV
Posted by: D.Monkey at April 1, 2006 12:25 AMBG,
And if they say they hate your stupid ass face we have justification for calling them what they most obviously are: bastard people.
Take heart
Bombo
Posted by: bombo at April 3, 2006 08:45 AMThat's wild the write up about Nick Punto. I kept running into him while in Fort Myers this spring; outside the ballpark first time when I complimented him on the terrific bunt he laid down that day (it was a beauty!), then at a grocery store right behind Hammond Stadium and then, oddest of all, I find him in the Pilates class I was taking!!...and he's right, it is amazing and increases flexibility and core strength like nothing I've ever done before....but I'm still not a solid utility player! ;)
Posted by: NealnMiami at April 3, 2006 07:24 PM