Twins at Kansas City. Royals 1, Twins 0
"Look at this," Justin Morneau said as he stood in the visitor's clubhouse of Kauffman. "Corey sent me a present." Beaming, he pointed to a brightly wrapped package sitting in his locker.
"Really?" said Terry Tiffee. "Cool!"
"Yeah," said Morneau. "I miss Corey."
Both the players sighed heavily.
"Well," said Terry, after a respectful pause, "aren't you going to open it?"
"Yeah," said Morneau, stroking the package wistfully. "I just want to make the moment last, you know?"
"Yeah," sighed Tiffee.
After a few moments, Morneau did open the package—carefully, so as to preserve the maple leaf wrap—and found nestled in a box a long thin piece of wood. Next to it was a small note reading simply, "Eleven and a quarter inches, maple and unicorn hair. Quite whippy."
"What in the world?" muttered Morneau.
"Why," exclaimed Tiffee. "He sent you a magic wand!"
"Huh?"
"A magic wand from Ollivanders! You know? Harry Potter?"
Morneau shook his head.
"The books? Haven't you read them?"
"Read?" Morneau blinked uncomprehendingly.
From the corner of the clubhouse, J.C. Romero perked up. "Did someone say read?"
Excited, Tiffee motioned him over. "Look, Corey sent Dr. Morneau a wand from Ollivanders!"
"Wow," said J.C. "Can I try?"
"Uh, sure," said Justin.
Carefully, Romero lifted the wand from its box. "Wow," he said. "Eleven and a quarter inches. Maple and unicorn hair. Quite whippy."
"Do you think it works," whispered Tiffee, eyes wide.
"I don't know," said Romero. "Let's try." Drawing himself up, J.C. pointed the wand over to the other end of the clubhouse, where Lew Ford was standing. Levicorpus! he murmured, with a practiced flick of the wrist.
Before their eyes, Lew Ford went up up up into the air and turned over, hanging there as if he had been hung by an invisible hook. "Hey!" Ford squeaked, as the whole clubhouse burst out laughing.
"You mean that thing works?" asked Morneau incredibly.
"Looks like," said Tiffee.
"You think," muttered Romero, "we could use this to help? Maybe, you know, fix the bats?"
"Gimme that," said Morneau, body checking Tiffee out of the way and grabbing the wand from Romero's hand. Holding the wand out in front of him, he shouted, "BRING ME THE BATS!"
Romero sighed heavily. "That's not how it works," he said. "Let me try." Clearing his throat, he held out his wand and proclaimed, Accio bats!
As the players watched, a whole bat rack worth of bats flew into the room, several hitting the floating Lew Ford on the head as they went by. With a loud crash, the bats fell into the middle of the floor. As all the players gathered, J.C. pointed the wand at the bats and called, Assius Removus!
A green gas began to emanate from the bat pile, and suddenly the clubhouse was filled with a noxious fume, but as the players started gagging, J.C. waved the wand around some more and the gas dissipated.
"There," he said smiling. "That should do it!"
Three hours later, the Twins filed into the clubhouse dejectedly, having managed exactly no runs on thirteen hits, which is pretty magical in and of itself. As they went silently to their lockers, Jacque Jones saw the wand lying on a bench.
"What's this?" he said, picking it up.
"Oh," said Romero, passing by, "We tried to use it to enchant the bats, but I guess it didn't work."
"Damn skippy!" said Jones. "What, did you Imperius me, too, to hit into all those DP's?"
"No," shouted Kyle Lohse, from the across the room, "you did that on your own."
"Oh," Jones cleared his throat. "Anyway, where did you get this wand?"
"Koskie sent it to Morneau."
"Koskie?!" Jones exclaimed. Shaking his head and cursing, he flicked the wand about a bit. "Do you know what this wand's made of?"
Romero and Tiffee exchanged a glance. "Unicorn?"
"It just feels like unicorn, you moron, but this wand is clearly made of ass. You just put more ass in those bats."
Over in his corner, Lohse shook his head. "Not possible," he muttered darkly.
"Oh," said Romero, staring dumbly at the wand. "Well, shit."
"Um," said Lew Ford, still dangling in the corner and rather red in the face, "Can you let me down now?…Guys?…Guys?"
Suddenly... it all makes sense.
Thank you for bringing us sense, BG, in a crazy, mixed up world.
Posted by: CarrieICL at August 31, 2005 06:14 PMOh, and...
"Over in his corner, Lohse shook his head. "Not possible," he muttered darkly."
Poor Kyle. Poor, poor, poor, poor Kyle.
Posted by: CarrieICL at August 31, 2005 06:16 PMI just hope the guys made absolutely sure that the wand will never fall into the hands of Messrs. Santana and Silva. The ensuing pranks would make the Peanut Butter Gag seem as humdrum as your basic hotfoot...
Posted by: mk at August 31, 2005 06:16 PMMaybe that's why the Twins had THIRTEEN hits and NO runs.
Posted by: The Commish at August 31, 2005 06:28 PMAgain BG, you amaze and delight, even after what looked like a tough loss to take.
Sure beats what is going on over at Prozac Nation, where the wheels appear to be flying off...
Posted by: kojak at August 31, 2005 06:34 PMThe game...yeah...
BUT! I applaud the Harry Potter and the correctness of it all!
Posted by: Maren Nelson at August 31, 2005 06:41 PM" 'Read?' Morneau blinked uncomprehendingly."
I laughed out loud, for surely, I love the doctor for his cherubic curls, but not what's under them.
Posted by: Angela at August 31, 2005 07:12 PMAmen to that - I laughed long and hard at that singularly brilliant sentence. Love it!
Anyhoo, thirteen hits and no runs? Man, how depressing... You'd think KC could be the one team we would surely sweep, but it always seems to happen that way - the teams that should be a cakewalk are the ones that hold us up, and the ones with the great records and whatnot *cough*BitchSox*cough* are the ones we totally take down. I will never understand the flow of the Twins' mojo, man....
Posted by: FordHoiberg at August 31, 2005 07:27 PMHey don't forget about the sometims ASS baserunning - I think some of our boys get distacted by bright - glowing objects -
UGH!!!!
Much Love
Wonder Woman
Thanks for the laugh after a really depressing game. I had almost turned off the radio at one time, till I remembered that even a low scoring baseball game is better than no game at all.
It would have been nice to sweep them yes, but remember even Boston and New York had lost to the Royals!
Anyway, keep up the good work BG!
You seem to have developed an obsession with inverting Lew and torturing him. And, in this version you have escalated your fantasy from the lego effigy to the full-size fictional Lew. If there's a pulley system hanging in the BatBasement, I think you fit the criminal profile of...well...someone who's had quite enough of ass-bats...
No jury of Batlings would convict you.
Posted by: BAT bandwagon at August 31, 2005 08:06 PMi never knew unicorn and ass felt so much alike.
Posted by: reggie at August 31, 2005 08:26 PMBG,
This is one of the best I've ever read. I laughed my ass off. (Maybe if you read this to the boys they would laugh the ass out of those bats) Anyway, thanks for the laughs and Go Twins!!!
hahaha that was soo funny!!! haha and lew ford at the end haha funny!!!
Posted by: Mrs Mauer at August 31, 2005 09:18 PMI didn't know the good doctor was capable of beaming...
Posted by: ClosetJaysFan at August 31, 2005 09:19 PMCould it have possibly been unicorn ass?
"Damn skippy!" said Jones. "What, did you Imperius me, too, to hit into all those DP's?"
This was my personal favorite line. Those damn Voldemort like Bitch Sox . . .
Posted by: Hannah (the second) at August 31, 2005 10:28 PMBG,
Just got back the from the SEATTLE VS. YANKEES game tonight.
I feel your pain. Trust me I do.
2-0 Yankee win off two HR.
only 1 M's player reached third all night.
The whole game I keep thinking, "Guys! If not for our own pride then think about the TWINS." But right now the M's can't win for anyone. Sorry.
mark from olympia, wa.
Posted by: mark from Oly. wa. at September 1, 2005 03:41 AMAnd Denny Hocking scored the winning run....
Posted by: Dan in London at September 1, 2005 05:31 AMBG, I hate to ask, but what's with all the Lew Ford beatings lately? First the fire, now this? My poor boyfriend....
Posted by: Katharriet at September 1, 2005 08:20 AMI bet your Kyle Lohse was a lot more friendly than the real one was yesterday after the game. That wacky Corey Koskie...but you think he could be nice when we're struggling, couldn't he?
I blame Paul Douglas. I was at the State Fair yesterday. We walked by 'CCO to check the score, and it was the bottom of the ninth. Except Paul Douglas came in right then and proceeded to record eight different versions of the weather--live for us--so we missed all of the bottom of the ninth except the game-winning hit.
Posted by: Just Beth at September 1, 2005 08:40 AMCJF--
Surely the Canadian-ness of it all would inspire anyone.
Posted by: wildchidl at September 1, 2005 08:44 AMPerhaps meditiation instead of magic? This item is at baseballamerica.com today:
Members of the (Huntsville) Stars' bullpen started digging a hole. They ended up building a garden behind the right-field wall at Pringles Park in Jackson, Tenn., home of the West Tenn Diamond Jaxx. But not just any garden. It's a Zen garden, a sanctuary for pitchers and a memorial to baseball… "It became a place to sit down and gather your thoughts before you pitch," (Alec) Zumwalt said.
There is already a big hole in the Metrodome. Maybe the Twins’ hitters could do something similar.
Posted by: Brande at September 1, 2005 09:10 AMBurn of the week:
"That's something we'd do," Terrence Long said. "Thirteen hits and not score."
Ouch!
Posted by: Silo at September 1, 2005 10:16 AMThey should just gather up the assbats and "Avada Kedavra" the whole lot. Start from scratch.
Posted by: Saajak at September 1, 2005 10:41 AM"Yeah," said Morneau, stroking the package wistfully. "I just want to make the moment last, you know?"
Whoa--there's something kinda sexy/wrong about that statement...but I like it. Thanks BG.
Posted by: ForMorneau at September 1, 2005 11:09 AMYou're right, WC, Canadianess is inspiring. It makes me smile.
Posted by: closetJaysfan at September 1, 2005 11:51 AMBrande, I love that. a Zen garden! Terrence John would surely approve.
Posted by: kafumbly at September 1, 2005 11:56 AMThe Twins hadn't been shut out on 13 hits since 1969. 1969!!! Wasn't that in the dead ball era?
I'm not even sure that's possible when you throw in the 2 walks and the hit batter.
Serenity now, Serenity now, Serenity now.
Posted by: Brundlefly at September 1, 2005 01:10 PMOn an ironic note, there's a company in outstate Minnesota (Glenwood, maybe?) that makes both MLB maple bats and Harry Potter licensed wands. Could something kookie be happening there? Perhaps unicorn ass actually mixed into the bats themselves? Just a thought.
Posted by: hrunting at September 1, 2005 02:53 PMSo many literary allusions that I just don't understand. Yay for not getting sucked in by pop culture, boo for not picking up on the minor, assumably hilarious details put forth by BGs genius.
I'll just have to take the simple ass humor.
No, no, no .... it doesn't put more ass in the bats
..... it just turns the pitcher any Twin holding one of the bats is facing into Cy Young .....
The only way to get rid of it is a bat bonfire - pile the damn things up on the mound and burn them.
Posted by: BD at September 1, 2005 03:23 PM
I think Coskie shipped one of those wands to the Mets, too.
Korey Coskie
Posted by: Brundlefly at September 1, 2005 04:54 PMDidn't the Jackal throw a 13-hit shutout last year? Apparently the Twins don't turn opposing pitchers into Cy Young, they turn them into Carlos Silva.
Posted by: twink at September 1, 2005 05:24 PM