Mariners at Twins. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Twins 7, Mariners 4.
Saturday. Mariners 8, Twins 3.
Sunday. Twins 8, Mariners 3.
Lew Ford had a career weekend against the Mariners, hitting three homeruns—two of them for three runs. Anyone would think it was the best weekend of his professional career, but after the game Ford was heard to remark, "It was almost as good as when I killed that Carnivorous Giant Worm with my +4 Battleaxe of Ice!"
It's been a long season for Ford, and not just because UPN cancelled Enterprise. ("We never found out who was controlling the Suliban!" complained Lew. "At first I thought it was the Romulans—perhaps led by some descendent of Romulan Tasha Yar—but that sort of interspecies outreach is really against the Romulan's nature. Frankly, I'm bumfuzzled.") His EverQuest guild broke up due to political unrest in the gnome kingdom of Kazah, and he was unceremoniously deposed from his position as president of the Aquaman Fan Club when his five year old boy ran through a meeting shouting "Aquaman's lame!" at the top of his lungs. It was made all the worse when one of the members stood up suddenly, looked around, and said, "My god! He's right! Aquaman is lame!" and left. They really couldn't afford that kind of attrition.
Whether or not Lew took these troubles on the field with him is hard to say—but certainly Lew was not performing up to last season's standards. His occasional brain farts on the base paths did not help to endear him to the Twins' coaching staff, and Gardy was apparently none too pleased when Lew informed him cockily that he had almost as many mitoclorians as Master Yoda.
Some might attribute Lew's resurgence to his starting in center every day, but the truth is much simpler than that. Lew's problem, as he would be happy to tell you, is that during the off-season his wife hid both his Amulet of Keen—which gives the wearer an impressive +4 in intelligence and helps him remember to do thing like tag up, or, when he's on second and a grounder's hit to short, not to try to advance to third, or when his stealing second to keep running instead of stopping halfway in cold panic like young bowl-haircutted Boxey in front of a squadron of Cylons—and his Ring of Power, which gives him several more feet of firepower on his boom boom stick. "It's just, he looked so dumb wearing them," explained Mrs. Ford. "What would all the other Twins wives think? Jacque Jones doesn't wear an Amulet of Keen and he remembers to tag up just fine."
But after watching her husband pop up bunt after bunt, Mrs. Ford relented and produced the precious items from a hollowed out copy of Pride and Prejudice, but not before sighing something about Mr. Darcy never needing a +4 anything.
"Wow," Lew said! "I never would have thought to look in the chick books!"
"You can have these back, Lew," said Mrs. Ford. "If it's going to make you be good again."
"Gee, thanks!" exclaimed Lew. "Do you know what else would really help me be a better baseball player?"
"I'm not wearing the Leia slave outfit, Lew, so don't ask."
"But--"
"No, Lew."
Maybe in the playoffs, Lew.
You make me proud to be a twins fan Bat-girl. Back to watching Battle Star Galactica now. . .
Posted by: Hannah (the second) at August 21, 2005 09:37 PMAfter reading this I think Batgirl might enjoy the Coyote Kings of the Space Age Bachelor Pad by Minister Faust. A fun and dark book with many sci-fi references and takes place in Edmonton. Check it out.
(mariners fan here, we have only Felix to cheer for)
I have no clue what most of that meant, but it was genius!
Posted by: ndtf at August 21, 2005 09:58 PMBG, if you weren't happily spoken for....
And as for Lew, playing in the field everyday helps. So does hitting higher than 8th.
Posted by: double-a at August 21, 2005 10:01 PMBefore today's game, a buddy of mine and myself made a pact on the bobbling heads of Camilo Pascual and Jim "Mudcat" Grant (somone had to get them) that if Lew homered we would go out immediately after the game and buy his jersey. Such has history led me to currently have #20 on my back.
Posted by: angrynorwegian at August 21, 2005 10:06 PMYes Lew...maybe in the playoffs.
Wonderful recap Batgirl it was.
I'm with Lew. I was also bumfuzzled about who was controlling the Suliban, but I think we all know that due to the timeline, it couldn't have been a descendant of Tasha Yar.
However, the possibility that it may have been a Romulan ancestor of her daughter Sela does hold some intrigue.
Posted by: bubblemint at August 21, 2005 10:54 PMAnd one other note.
Since August 21 was also the 40th anniversary of the Beatles one and only concert in Minnesota at Met Stadium, the music at the Dome today (other than the players "at bat music") consisted of massive amounts of Beatles tunes.
It made the game even more enjoyable. I heard a number of younger fans around me, including all age ranges, remark how much they were enjoying it too.
As a Beatles fan, I must say I was very pleased.
Posted by: bubblemint at August 21, 2005 11:01 PMI, for one, was quite sad when Tasha Yar died. It was rather traumatic for a young Nick. And I just thought of something... is her name a reference to the old Atari 2600 game "Yars' Revenge"?
Lew, please don't contemplate that question. Simply keep doing what you do so well, and may the Force be with you.
Posted by: Nick at August 21, 2005 11:02 PMDear Ms. Mint,
As I'm sure my friend Lew would be happy to point out, whoever was controlling the Suliban was from the distant future--as in the Temporal Cold War future.
Helpfully,
Scott Bakula
Dear Batgirl,
You're so good at telling stories. Can you tell the story of the '69 Cubs? It might help the B-Sox fans who come to your site.
Best, RD
Posted by: RonDavis at August 21, 2005 11:10 PMLittle Nicky Punto: Tiny Superhero could totally kick Aquaman's ass, like, 500 times over. and that's even if he doesn't use his Ninja Death Strike. Aquaman... pshaw.
Posted by: kafumbly at August 21, 2005 11:18 PMDear Mr. Bakula, (or as I prefer to call you, Captain Archer),
Oh yeah...the Temporal Cold War future.
I forgot about that.
It's tough to keep it all straight.
bubblemint
Posted by: bubblemint at August 21, 2005 11:30 PMOverheard at the Batquarters:
Jeb: Hey! Where are you going with Aquaman, Master Yoda and Slave Leia?
BG (humming): I've got work to do.
Jeb: Can I play, too?
Posted by: mmmarkiep at August 21, 2005 11:48 PMYAY LEW!!!! He was awesome this weekend! Hopefully, he'll be able to keep it up! We'll need him against the White Sox!!!
Posted by: Candace at August 22, 2005 12:24 AMUnfortunately, I got all those references.
Posted by: Haplo at August 22, 2005 01:32 AMI didn't understand a word of that, but yay Batgirl!
Posted by: aurora at August 22, 2005 06:13 AMGreat work as usual BG! A great thing to read as I show up at my final week of work before school starts back up. A sign of a good week. The only thing that would make it better would be a nice sweep of those bitch sox.
Keep up the hot hitting Lew!
Yes I got almost every one of those references. Sweet.
Posted by: TwinsinBoston at August 22, 2005 07:14 AMSlave girl Leia never did it for me (not enough Gor novels or something). But when she grabbed the blaster and took control of her own rescue; at that point it was Love.
Maybe 'cleats of non dumb baserunning' would be the way to go?
Bitch Sox vs the Evil Empire; isn't there a way both of them can lose.
The Temporal Cold war was lame.
keep flying your geek flag high BG
D
Posted by: Dan in London at August 22, 2005 08:48 AMBeginner's manual for you non-fluent in the geek-xicon:
http://fieldguidetogeeks.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Erika at August 22, 2005 08:50 AMI would just like to point out that when Lew rolled a natural 20 to pickpocket my Amulet of Keen, no one... NO ONE... saw the actual roll.
Not even you, Terry "The Worst Dungeon Master Ever" Mullholland. Just because you and Blylven have been playing D&D since before any of us were born doesn't give you the right to...
...nevermind.
Posted by: Monster at August 22, 2005 08:57 AMI'm very, very proud.
Posted by: Jeb at August 22, 2005 09:03 AMAnother entry made through the genius of Batgirl! (Lew might want to re-think not reading classical literature just because he considers it a "chick" book...)
Posted by: Just Beth at August 22, 2005 09:08 AMOk.. now I know why I scored so high on the geek test in the Cave... I got all those references.
But.. I think geeks are hot so .. GO LEW!!
Posted by: CapitalBabs at August 22, 2005 09:33 AM=)
A funny from the Strib - I wish I could have seen the pose
http://www.startribune.com/stories/150/5571835.html
Much Love
Wonder Woman
Aquaman is not cool. Leia's slave outfit is not as cool as it should be. Owning the +4 Battleaxe of Ice and taking on Carnivorous Giant Worms in the desert of Anauroch is VERY COOL!
Don't pretend to be ignorant of the references, people. Search deep back in your brain where the cruel memories of grade school reside; therein lies your geek knowledge.
Bring on the Bitch Sox!!!
Posted by: JaerBesan at August 22, 2005 10:29 AMThey don't call this place the internerd for nothin'.
Posted by: Julia Gulia at August 22, 2005 11:00 AMWe need to get Lew some third edition magic items. Some boots of springing and striding would really help him, and a +3 club of thundering would do wonders at the plate.
Posted by: Will at August 22, 2005 12:06 PMWonderWoman,
With apologies to Lew and Zoolander, and Big LeRoy and the gout, the best line(s) from Souhan's article:
They say managers build teams in their own images, and that's what Gardenhire is doing -- winning with a bunch of weak-hitting, bad-bodied utility players.
The Twins' patron saint is Jeff Reboulet. Every time Gardenhire posts a lineup, you wonder if this is March 8 and he's sending a split squad to Sarasota.
And to take Monster's comment one step farther, let's not forget than when OMM and Bert were playing D&D way back when, it was actually "D&D" (not AD&D or 2nd edition or whatever it is the kids are playing today). Although I might disagree about calling OMM the dorst DM ever. He probably listened to a lot of "Rainbow" and "Yes" back in the day.
Posted by: double-a at August 22, 2005 12:17 PMThanks for another diet-Coke-out-the-nose offering, BG. My favorite new BG word: "bumfuzzled." Can't wait to use it, as in "You're honor, the plaintiffs are obviously attempting to bumfuzzle the court!"
Posted by: oh at August 22, 2005 12:26 PMDearest double-a
I thought the Joe Mauer sideburns comment was the funniest line - still picturing Lew striking a 'model' pose is enough to send anyone into a fit of giggles =)
much love
Wonder Woman
I knew a guy in college that loved Aquaman. In fact, he pretty much loved all the DC and Marvel comic book characters, even Namor the Sub-Mariner (who, admittedly is decidely less lame than Aquaman, but is still hokey). However he hated Spiderman because he was such a smartass. Other noteworthy smartasses such as Speedball and Slapstick were fine with him.
He was nice to have on my side when I had to ritually defend my fondness for Dr. Strange. But otherwise all discussions with him on comic books tended to eventually turn into heated Spiderman discussions.
Good job, Lew, not only for your batting this weekend, but for the Spiderman act you pulled off Friday Saturday night at the wall.
Posted by: Skorch at August 22, 2005 01:13 PMWohoooo Leeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Player of the week
http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20050822&content_id=1179869&vkey=pr_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb
freakin' hilarious.
Posted by: BAT bandwagon at August 22, 2005 08:06 PMLew is boyfriend of the week on MLB! Yay Lewwwww, you deserve it!
Posted by: Nora at August 22, 2005 08:43 PMMTRR that I had my uber-dork S.O. read this and his one comment was that "mitoclorians" is spelled wrong.
Is there a word for 'laughing and crying at the same time'?