I would like to say from firsthand experience that chicken fries are suprisingly tasty.

Especially with ranch.

Dear Batgirl,

They MADE me do that ad with Lee I-a-coke-a. And I know he don't know shizzle from a damn fine brizzle.

Peace and props, Snoop

I love when BG catches up on her correspondence. And AMEN to the facial hair memos. Specially to the people like the doc who can't grow it very well.

My favorite? Dear Paul Konerko. Heheheheh. Have a chicken fry, indeed.

Burger King just has the most disturbing commercials ever. They should fire their agency immediately. Crazy chicken rocker guy (Coq Roq? Really? For a phallicly shaped chicken product?) and big plastic head guy are the worst, but Hootie and the swinging chick aren't that far behind.

Dear Batgirl,

One of your most endearing qualities is your uncanny ability to describe Lew's fallings and flailings. Once again, you've simply captured him perfectly.

Sincerely,

"Nick"

beauty, Batgirl! your letters are always so inspiring.

Dear Jesse Crain,

that sac fly to score one of KYLE's runs was unfortunate... but that next inning when you sat down the bitches? that was awesome.

admiringly,
kafumbly

AJ...

*goes into corner and cries*

In Double Plus Good News:

Baltimore Beats A's. World (read Twins) rejoices.

And the Angels beat the Jays!

I am not sure that is such a good thing. Remember Yankees are right behind them and won. I would REALLY love it if Yankees didn't get to see the postseason.

Good work Bat-girl, always looking out for the good of the people.

Dear Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven,

Thank you so much for helping me reminisce about the days of twister, you do not have to eat chicken fries. And Bert? I bet you would remember if you played it with a girl. Maybe Lew just likes playing Twister a-la-umpire style.

Twistedly,
Hannah

Hah! I said to my sweetie, "You know, I just can't picture Dick playing Twister."

Lew's dorkiness is the the essence of his lovable-ness.

Little Nicky tonight! Rowr!

I think I am going to have to disagree on the facial hair issue. As long as they keep winning, I say grow it out, even if it looks terrible. It works in the Stanley Cup playoffs and Dr. Morneau is Canadian, so maybe this will work for him.

I also thought it was firmly settled that Lew may have a few screws loose up there but he does get the job done as well.

Oh and BG, please dont give Burger King any ideas. I really dont want to see anything worse than the chicken fries marketed on TV. Those commercials are at least amusing once in awhile in a "wow, theyre screwed" kind of way.

Dear Batgirl,
Thank you for catching up on your correspondence. In today's world of instant messaging, it's delightful to see somebody understands the value of a well-written letter--nay, many well-written letters. Well-written letters are particularly important when one is looking for the moral high ground.

Last night, the Twins had the moral high ground. Despite the equality in errors, the Twins had the moral high ground. I hope the Twins acknowledge your letter and continue to hold their place.

Sincerely,
JustBeth

"Look at a chicken, and tell me where you see the fries on it."

If anyone but LNP will get the BOD for that game, I'm glad it was awkward Lew. He's good.

I think I have to agree w/ TwinsinBoston--if you're playing well with it, you've got to keep the facial hair. And I think I remember Morneau having facial hair when he was doing that whole "hitting 19 HRs in the second half" thing, so if, like Samson, his hair is the key to his power, not only should he keep it, but he should grow it out!

OK -I'm usually more of a glass is half empty kind of a girl in regards to most things - but the total opposite when it comes to our boys -is everyone writing us off for this year?? I know it's a tough battle but - man - sounds like Gardy doesn't have much faith either - I'm disappointed in this train of thought -

I'm glad I have Batgirl to keep my spirits up and come on - we have Lew Skywalker - the force is definately with him!!

Ok sorry to rant - thanks for sharing your correspondence - and for clearing up the mystery of the chicken thingys - my sister and I just don't get it!
Whopper Pies would be gross!!!

And Little Nicky is just fabulous the way he is =)

Much love
Wonder Woman

Dear Batgirl,

Thank you for exposing the chicken fries as the travesty they are.

Lovingly,
Captain Cheeseburger

Jacobs Field
Cleveland, OH

I'm with TIB and Torhu on Doc's facial hair. Personally, I think it makes my BF extra scrumptious, and if it helps with the hitting and the defense and the whatnot, then keep it. Perhaps there should be a facial hair corollary in the petition?

Dearest Justin,

I'm willing to make concessions for the facial hair if you keep playing as well as you have. Once the season is over, however, it better be gone.

Comprimisingly,
HooliganKat

Dear AJ,

I know we have a great catcher now and The Chairman has snuggled himself safely in my heart, but man, I miss you.

Heartbrokenly,
HooliganKat

Actually, for some reason, as a Big Sister to many young men, I can somehow excuse the Doc's adventures in cultivation - if only as the normal experimentation and manly hopes of a 24 yo.

Now, as for that bush that Mr. Cuddyer had attached to his face. ummmm...... not so much.

I didn't mind the stuff on Cuddyer's face. I think it looks nice....but then again, that is me. I'm weird like that.

As for Justin, if it works, keep it.

Lew...was amazing in the game.

Oh! And a special mention to Kyle! He pitched well! Very, VERY well! GO KYLE!

That win last night was very very nice and I'm going to enjoy it. :)

Oh, and BG, good job on catching up on your correspondence *nods*

And I forgot to mention that I loved that inning by Rincon a lot. Striking out the side is hot. And Rincon is one of the best at it! :)

No worries. This rabid faction of the "LNP for BOD" has crunched the numbers and is satisfied that it is mathematically impossible for LNP to win BOD under the prevailing statistical model.
The probability of him having a 4 HR game that accounts for all the team's scoring is directly proportional to his vertical stature. Even that outlier scenario would pit him against the Twins' pitcher of record which, in computer simulations, gives LNP the BOD only 47 out of 100 times.

But he WAS hot, wasn't he?!

Lew was just so cute (in addition to good game play).

Didya notice Mauer had stubble the other day? Glad that didn't stick around.

I love A.J. and always will. Though I'm happy with Chairman Mauer behind the plate. Sigh.

Those of you who are insisting that the new facial hair be shaved are hereby sentenced to spend the next Twins' off day watching "Bull Durham" non-stop for 24 hours.

If you think you're winning/hitting because you grew a beard, you ARE!

NEVER mess with a streak!

Sincerely,
Jim (aka grey beard)

This may be the wrong place to ask this, but how far down were the damn yankees in the year of Bucky bleepin' Dent?

There's still alot of the season to play, and we play alot of it in division. If there ever was a time for the Twins to pull some sort of magic out of their collective behinds, the time is now. This is the best time to start the Bitch Sox down the spiral with Pods out. They're vulnerable, and if we can get them to revert to hitting for power instead of smartball, we have a chance.

Dear Michael Restovich:

Um, remember how we, um, didn't really want you? Yeah. About that? We meant it, but only in a half-assed kind of way, and, well, we were wondering if you'd consider coming and playing a little right field for awhile. We're sorta short on options, and, um, our offense sucks pretty hard and having Brian Buchanon or Jason Tyner in the order to replace Jonsey doesn't give me a good night's sleep. I won't promise we won't dump you again come October, but, y'know...a job's a job, right?

Pretty sure you're tired of moving,
Jesse

TIB:

Smartball is not, nor has it every been, the reason why they have won so many games. It's b/c they have a team ERA of 3.65 (3rd in the MLB). Last year, their ERA was 4.91, which was worse than the D-Rays, and was good enough for a tie for 24th in the Majors.

Last year, they scored 5.34 runs a game, which was the third best in the majors. Now they're only scoring 4.79 runs/game, which is 10th. Their offense got worse. Their pitching (and their defense) got a LOT better.

Sorry to take it out on you, but the stupid announcers who keep touting "Smartball" as the reason for the Bitch Sox success makes me want to break things.

There is a part of "smartball" that is very effective. When you run succesfully on the basepaths, you create a whole lot of opportunities for offense because the defense has to devote extra attention to what the runners are doing at the expense of where the ball is coming off the bat and how to best set up to catch that ball. Stealing bases wins ballgames. Just ask Dave Roberts or Mariano Rivera.

Dear Curt Schilling

What a difference a year makes huh ?

Wonder if Mitch Williams is secertly enjoying you blowing saves. Maybe Cap't Caveman can hide his head under a towel when you pitch.

mike

Dear Batgirl

Remember how great it was to watch Ozzie & Kirby play when we just little tiny baseball fans, I feel that way now when I watch Jeter play and read your blog.

Appreciatively
mike

Dear BAT,

Oh, yes. He was. Very.

Yours in rabid-ness,
k-bro

Dear Jesse:

I'm hitting .250 and can't get an everyday spot with the Pirates. I'm not really much better than Mike Ryan and I know it.

Thanks for the thought, though.

TIB: Then how come they're scoring less runs this year? I'm not saying that stolen bases aren't useful when used properly, I'm just saying that replacing Carlos Lee w/ Scott Posednick has led to less runs for the White Sox this year. Their offense is worse than it was last year. I'm not saying it's 2005 Twins bad, but it's not as good as last year's.

Their pitching is light years better than it was last year. That's the reason for their success--not so called "Smartball".

Oh, and stealing bases only wins baseball games when you are successful at stealing bases (something like an 80% success rate is necessary). Otherwise, it's running yourself out of an inning.

It's like not making the 1st or 3rd out at third base--there's not enough of a benefit to it, unless you are absolutely sure you are going to make it safely.

Dear Mr. Montague,

LensCrafters called and your prescription will not be ready for a few days. This might be a good time to maybe head to the Dells for a little siesta!

Astigmatically,
kojak

I would disagree with you TBird. The Sox are a .500 team since the ASG and this coincides with the reduction in effectiveness of Podsednik. With Scotty not a real threat on the basepaths, the Sox are suddenly a very different- and very beatable- team.

Well, in the last 30 days, they've scored 4.74 runs a game (.05 less than their season average) but their ERA is 3.92 (which is .3 higher than their season average). So their pitching has been worse, but they've scored a similar amount of runs.

Also, I agree that Posednick being injured hurts their current team, but it doesn't mean that the current team is better offensively than last year's team.

Depends what you mean by "effective". Last year's team score runs in bunches followed by long droughts, so the run totals themselves are totally misleading.

Take late July 2004. They won 4 straight scoring 30 runs. Then they lost 7 straight scoring only 19 runs. Same deal in Sept, when the beat the Angels 11-0 then get swept in Minnesota while scoring just 4 runs.

They may score less this year, but they are far more consistent offensively.

EKE - too much STATS and not enough SASS!!! =)

Much love
Wonder Woman

A lot of it has to do with luck, too, y'know. Look at the Nationals. They played a lot of 1-run games and won them, so they were winning the NL East. Now they're playing a lot of 1-run games and losing them, so they're behind the Braves.

The White Sox are a better team than the Nationals, so they won't suddenly reverse course, but sometimes the breaks just don't go your way (like they lost 3-2 to the Yankees, then won 2 2-1 games. After that they almost came back against the Red Sox twice in a row, but came up short). Even the best team won't win every close game, but the good teams find a way to win as many as possible.

>The White Sox are a better team than the Nationals.

Don't be so sure about that. I think both ballclubs have been kind of fluky.

Thanks for the backup kojak. I was going to try and look that kind of stuff up later today but you nailed it.

If we can get any sort of consistent run scoring in the neighborhood of 3-4 runs every game, there is a very good chance that we can make a run on the wild card if not higher. Baseball is all about momentum and the bitch sox definitely dont have much of that right now. Even mother nature isnt cooperating (PPD game against red sox where they were killing clement after 3 innings). Let's go out and get Bradke a nice win tonight.

2004 White Sox relied solely on the long ball to score their runs. While the 2005 Sox still hit a lot of home runs, they are a much smarter team when it come to manufacturing runs. I believe they lead the league in sacrifice bunts and sac flies. They get a lead and with the pitching, they are able to hold onto it without scoring any more runs. Nothing "flukey" about that...

Dear Lew,
I just watched the replay of your slide and rolling attempt to take out the umpire. Good work. Thanks for making me smile!

Happily,
ndtf

Dear LNP,
I also watched the replay of your stolen bases. Beautiful!

Happy stealing,
ndtf

Dear Cable Provider,
If there's any way I could just get FSN without having to pay for all of the other stupid channels out there, that would be fantastic! Until then, I will have to rely on Herb, Gordo, Dazzle and sometimes Black Jack.

Patiently waiting,
ndtf

Dear ndtf,

I'm with you.

Supportively,
HooliganKat

ya whiners. It could be worse. You could live down here in Iowa where the only time we get to watch the Twins on the tube is when one of the Chicago stations carries their BitchSox games... and you KNOW who that means we have to listen to.

Still, so long as it's a W, it's worth it just to hear the gnashing of teeth that comes from the broadcast booth.

Did anyone see the article on ESPN by the Chicago Trib columnist (about the Twins)?

that burger king commercial scares me.

Dear AJ:

Remember how you used to throw out baserunners (instead of stand there looking why you have no clue why you didn't throw the ball at second or third base)? That was fun. And Oh! Remember when you could tag out people at the plate? That was fun, too! And, do you remember when the Twins won? Oh! That was last night!

Sarcastically,
Hannah!

Could there be anything more scary than having Chicken Fries served to you by The King?

*shudders*

kojak, don't frighten me like that! you've been so nice. why would you suddenly turn so mean?! chicken fries and the king... *whimper* at least you didn't mention... the scary McDonald's clown...

Bat Girl:

I agree, chicken fries are ill-concieved. However, that commercial with the death metal chickens crossing the road is nothing short of radical.

Twins Management:

How many at-bats will it take before you realize that Michael Ryan's a waste of a line-up slot? I'd rather not have a Right Fielder than put that guy up with 2 outs and 2 on.

Haplo

Guys, don't be so hard on the king. He was hilarious in that commercial where the guy woke up with the king in bed with him staring at him.

HI-LARIOUS!

Did anyone see the video of Bobby Kielty warming up dressed up like Ronald Mcdonald? Funny stuff.

I was at last night's game. Good time, lots of Twins fans in attendence.

Noteworthy was during the line-up intro on the jumbotron. They showed Stewart, Punto, Mauer, then... Morneau's name, position, and Cuddyer's photo! I turned to my friend and say, "Hey, that's not Morneau, that Cuddyer!" Sho nuff, when it cycled to Cuddyer, same photo appeared. They corrected it by Morneau's first at-bat, but the jokes didn't end.

Good god, Batgirl, I hope you're getting paid for this stuff. Hi-larious. This is sacriledge, but one wonders if perhaps such literary genius isn't just a little bit, uh, under-applicated -- in terms of the pro sports bit, I mean. Whatever they're paying you, it ain't enough. 162 games is a long season -- especially so, it seems, if you're Batgirl.

Yet I return time and time again to indulge in the brilliant insight of our own modern-day Mark Twain.

Mmmm, Whopper pies!

Wistfully,

Paul Konerko

Cuddles McDimply reads the correspondence from Bat-firl and LISTENS!!! HE GETS BONUS POINTS TONIGHT!!!!

BG-you made me titter.

Oh

P.S. You're right: meat in stick form is just WRONG.

Yes... damn that aj pierzynski! but o/w... now the new catcher has the Mariners freaked out and they have to walk him 2 times in a row.. or he might hit it really hard and they make them duck... and then lose another game!

and brent... i saw the bobby kielty-ronald mcdonald thing.... i laughed... i didn't stop for like 5 minutes!

YAY TWINS!!,
Rachel!