Eventually Boone will find a good bat, right? I mean, there has to be one somewhere in that mess. Please let there be one somewhere in that mess.

Maybe he should rename his piles into Ass-Bats and Non-Ass-Bats.

*cries* There's not room in the Orioles' clubhouse for a golden retriever.

Not that it matters. Theo Epstein, after what happened to Clement, will happily rent storage space for all that stuff and for Mike Lowell in order to get AJ Burnett.

And a nice piece there about Bret. Every time I'm prepared to just go ahead and hate him freely, it turns out he's kind of cool. It'd just be nice if he could fish a Non-Ass-Bat out of his pile.

Well now it all makes sense. I see many reasons why the Twins should take this deal.

1. The Malibu-It's not even as old as OMM.
2. The Carpenters-I hear Bradke's got a soft spot for the Carpenters.
3. NordicTrack-For LeCroy
4. The Florida home-Great for toga parties during spring training.
5. Hungarian made easy-For Rincon, then he can really claim he has no idea what the steriod policy is if he only speaks Hungarian.
6. The Stormtroopers-Lew may get too excited, Gardy may have to hold out on him until he gets more hits.
7. Richard Simmons-LeCroy again.
8. The VHS tapes-For rain outs in Detroit, hopefully nobody gets hurt fighting for the Golden Girls.
9. Gamecube-See 8.
10. Adrian-Can you not just see Dr. Morneau saying "Yo Adrian, quit humpin' my leg!"
11. Drum set-I can just imagine the boys driving Gardy crazy playing "Name that Tune".

I think a drum set add a dash of sass to any clubhouse.

When we're on the subject of Page 2, our bud Bret "Don't call me Brett" Boone is #2 on the overpriced list.

Guzman and Milton also are mentioned. Hmmm, Silva and Punto, or Milton and his Blyleven-esque homers (allowed).

We don't need Milton, we've got Radke (whose tied with Jose "It's Lima Time" Lima) with the AL Lead in HRs allowed.

Oh, check out FSN Sports (I know it's Fox)and check out hot rumors.

Rangers wanted FOUR OR FIVE guys from the Mets for Soriano. Very unlikely we'll get him.

Which may be for the best. I still want to see us go grab some NL slugger to DH over here.

Dear Torhu,

Please do not compare Bradke with Eric Milton. Things may get ugly.

Pleasantly threatening,
CarrieICL

Has someone suggested to Bret Boone that ordering the "Ass-bat" model might not be his best move?

And is anyone forwarding TR's mail to him? Because I think he needs to know about this. (Excellent column, Batgirl!)

That cold pile ought to be getting pretty big about now....

Just saying...

I'm not saying Radke is Milton. Just putting HRs allowed in perspective.

Any chance all of Boone's "cold bats" are getting mistakenly brought into the dugout?

120 bats is a lot, can see that easily getting mixed up. Hopefully nobody has the locker next to Boone on the "bad bat" side.

Maybe Boone's problem is that his eye-sight is failing him as he ages (happens to most of us) and he can no longer tell an ass-bat from a non-ass bat. But that can't be the case, because then some non-ass bats would still end up in the ass-bat pile.

No, sadly Mr. Boone's problems are either:

1. All of his bats are ass bats and he can no longer recognize that he only has ass bats; or

2. He completely confuses ass bats and non-ass bats, so that his non-ass bat pile consists only of ass bats and vice-versa.

But the second hypothes can easily be tested. Someone just needs to slip into the clubhouse and swith piles. If Boone's hitting responds to the switch, the second option is true. The solution then is simply to continue surreptitiously switching piles.

But if switching piles doesn't solve the situation, then indeed Mr. Boone has reached his sad end. Because if he's a big leaguer and he can no longer tell an ass bat from a real bat, well then .... he's really not a big leaguer anymore, is he?

Somebody should just tell him to try the other pile.

Who knows...

Here's the trade that TR needs to consider: Tony Clark, currently a D'Backs pinch hitter, for Romero. Arizona is in dire need of bullpen help as evidenced by it's league worst bullpen ERA. They also have no left-handed relievers on the staff. Bob Melvin can't figure out how to get Clark in the lineup more, plus they have two promising AAA players that will need to be brought up eventually. Clark's ABs are limited and his talents are being wasted on pinch hit opportunities. He's having a great year, and he could DH and spell the Dr. at 1B. Doesn't this make sense for everyone?

I know none of you really care, but hey. The Yankees just signed Nomo maybe that means this guy won't pitch tomorrow I mean Nomo can't be worse, can he ?

Kevin Brown (SP, Yankees, $15,714,286)
The best thing that can be said about Brown is that he has been consistent this season. He has been hit hard at home, and he has been hit hard away. Both lefties and righties get on base at about a .390 clip against Brown, a dismal stat. Well, not as dismal as his 6.51 ERA -- almost double his lifetime mark.

IT'S THE THIRD INNING AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY AND GET RID OF BRET BOONE RIGHT NOW! GREAT JOB GETTING THROWN OUT AT THE PLATE AND WALKING INTO THE TAG, YOU WEENYROAST! YOU MAKE FRANK THOMAS AND JUAN GONZALEZ LOOK LIKE HARD-NOSED HUSTLING PLAYERS!

Deep breath.

We not resume our regularly scheduled programming.

RonDavis,

I'd share your rancor towards our erstwhile second baseman, but it is too hot where I sit to do much besides roll my eyes in futility. So:

::rolls eyes at Bret Boone::

MK

Which pile does Bret choose from when heading out to the field? 'Cuz it hasn't been pretty out there either! Does he have a pile of ass-gloves, too? And maybe he should switch to a different kind of bat if the ones he is using now suck so much... like aluminum for instance. Or, since we probably won't get Soriano, can Boone just get some of his bats? I would trade Lohse and the clubhouse game cube for Soriano's bats...

Frustratingly,
LTLC

NICE THROW, BOONIE. WAY TO GIVE IT 10 PERCENT.

RonDavis, might I commend you usage of all caps. With Georgia as the page font, it makes Boone's 10 percent look even less than it normally would.

And I'd like to give Al his props. Though his generally pessimistic remarks tend to rub me the wrong way something fierce (call me a glass-half-full kinda guy), he hit the nail on the head with Boone. Well, Al, I waited and I saw and now I agree with you, the Boone Experiment needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Not to rain on your Boone hating..but where were you on the great play Boone turned between the two bad ones?

Keeping in mind that that was the second ball that Morneau failed to digout at first...

Torhu,

I was in line for a Blizzard.

Best, RD

LOL about the bats!