Twins at Detroit. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Tigers 12, Twins 6.
Saturday, Game 1. Tigers 2, Twins 1.
Game 2. Twins 5, Tigers 2.
Sunday. Tigers 5, Twins 2.
It was Joe who found the pants. Maysie is a bit of a clothes horse and is always hunting in vintage shops for something truly fabulous. Of course, he could afford to wear the latest fashions, but that's just not Joe's style.
Anyway—the jeans. He says he doesn't know why he picked them up—anyone who's looked in Joe's closet knows he needs a new pair of jeans like he needs a new pair of pumps, but he said there was just something about them that seemed to call to him. So he took them into the dressing room. And when he put them on, well, they were just perfect. He looked long and lean when he turned around he noted with pleasure that they hugged his butt just right. So he bought them, and when he got home he put the bag in his closet and he forgot about the jeans.
It was probably a month later when we were in Joe's room keeping him company while he packed for the Detroit series. Joe needs a lot of moral support when he packs. That's the thing about being best friends with someone since, like, birth—you have a sixth sense for things like that. And the four of us, well, we knew each other better than we knew ourselves. We'd been through everything together, including packing with Joe. Anyway, Kyle was going through Joe's closet trying to pick out a few good outfits when he came across the bag from the vintage store. "What's this?" he asked, pulling the bag out.
"Oh," said Joe. "I bought these jeans for like five bucks! They're fabulous, but I forgot all about them!"
"Fabulous, huh?" asked Kyle. Without another word he took off his pants and slipped on the jeans.
Well, I don't mind telling you that we were all kind of stunned. I mean, he looked amazing. Kyle's a good looking guy, but there's just something about the right pair of jeans.
"That's funny," Joe said. "They fit me really well, too. Pass 'em over." And then Joe put them on and I swear, suddenly he looked like a supermodel.
So then Scottie piped up. "Can I try?" Now, Baker is a few inches shorter and much thinner than the other guys, but the weird thing was, when he put on the jeans, well, he looked just great. He looked more thin than skinny all of a sudden, and his normally nonexistent butt looked tight and perky.
"You look hot," Kyle said. And we all had to agree.
"You know what?" said Joe. "I think these are magic jeans. I think they make everyone who wears them look fabulous. Here, Carlos, you try."
"Oh, come on," said Carlos—the last of us. "No pair of jeans that fits you guys is going to fit me." Carlos is shorter and rounder than the rest of us and has huge body image problems as a result. Of course, he's totally beautiful, maybe not in that stick figure way, but still. He just doesn't know it.
"Just try it," said Kyle. "Come on!"
Carlos sighed and took off his khakis and put on the jeans. He pulled on them like he expected them to be tight, but they went on like they were made for him. And when he zipped them up and turned around to show us, well, we all gasped.
"Carlos…" Joe said.
"Carlos, you're gorgeous!" Scottie said.
And Carlos, well, it was like he knew it. He looked in the mirror, shaking his head. "Wow," he said.
"Wow," we all said.
"That does it," said Joe. "These are magic pants."
Well, we sat in silence for some time, absorbing the significance of our discovery. I mean, what do you say when you have a pair of magic pants?
"Well," said Kyle. "Clearly these pants found us for a reason. I mean, we're heading into the Detroit series and we have a real chance to pick up some games. These pants can help us!"
"That's right," said Scottie. "Why don't we each wear the pants when we pitch, and then when we're done we'll hand them over to the next guy!"
Joe squealed. "That's a great idea!"
"I think we should have a ceremony, you know?" said Kyle. "I think we should, like, swear on the pants or something."
"That's a great idea," said Carlos. He took off the magic pants and spread them in the middle of Joe's room. We got up and stood in a circle and held hands.
"We pledge," said Joe, "that we each will wear the magic pants during our very important starts during the Detroit series. After our start, we will immediately pass on the pants. We promise we will tell each other everything that happens in the pants. We promise not to wash the pants, ever. We will promise to honor and respect the pants by pitching the best we possibly can. We promise not to give up six RBI's to Craig Monroe. We promise to use the power of the pants to lead our team to victory!"
At which point, Carlos raised his hand. "What if the pants help us pitch the best we possibly can, but the offense really sucks and we lose anyway? What if our baserunners start acting like they're monkeys with massive head injuries and they run us out of every situation?"
Joe smiled and squeezed Carlos's hand. "Trust in the pants, my friend. Trust in the pants."
Trusting in the pants might've been the worst advice Joe ever made to Carlos. And Joe and Kyle should've spent less time admiring their reflections off of the scoreboards and more time thinking about the pitching. If you've got pants that make you look that good, just go out and pitch. Scott Baker apparently did, and look where it got him!
I was totally impressed by Scott Baker. Of course, I already liked Scott Baker, so I told my friends that we were listening to the game at 6:00 on Saturday--or that I was, and they could do whatever they wanted. They humored me and we listened to the game (and went out to supper somewhere where we could watch the end of the game).
Great one, AGAIN, Batgirl!
Posted by: Just Beth at July 24, 2005 09:36 PMGreat read! But can the pants hit?
Posted by: The Commish at July 24, 2005 09:46 PMDear Twins:
Please send the pants to Seattle.
Sincerely,
Alan Trammel
Posted by: The Jack Morris Mutual Admiration Society at July 24, 2005 09:48 PMPS -- And an send an extra 'L' along, too, since I can't seem to spell my own last name right.
Then again, there seems to be less Ls in Detroit nowadays...
Love,
Alan
Posted by: The Jack Morris Mutual Admiration Society at July 24, 2005 09:50 PMCarlos is shorter and rounder than the rest of us and has huge body image problems as a result. Of course, he's totally beautiful, maybe not in that stick figure way, but still. He just doesn't know it.
Oh dear god, that is just too funny!
Posted by: Donnalove at July 24, 2005 10:00 PMhmmm... not sure what to make of these pants. I mean, they didn't help KYLE LOHSE and Joe Mays in the slightest, but Silva and Baker pitched like geniuses. but, in all, the pants are obviously not immune to trade rumor jitters, ass gloves, or ass bats. oh, or ass umpiring.
so the moral of the story: pitching with a fine ass doesn't necessarily help you win a baseball game. that's unfortunate.
Posted by: kafumbly at July 24, 2005 10:10 PMIf I had seen the movie or book, I may have been even more impressed! But good writing as always, BG
Posted by: Ryan at July 24, 2005 10:24 PMGREAT SITE! ONE TO DEFINATLY BOOKMARK! I WILL VISIT THIS SITE FREQUENTLY AND TAKE IN A LOT OF THIS. CHECK OUT MY BLOG FOR MORE ANTI-WHITE SOX COVERAGE.
Posted by: The G-Man at July 24, 2005 10:59 PMDo the White Sox have a pair of these sort of pants and do they put them on one leg at a time?
Posted by: Ask Kleiner at July 24, 2005 11:20 PMSorry Alan, these pants are going to be travelling alright. But only so that the opposing team can borrow them.
I swear...Johnson would look GREAT in those ;)
Posted by: Torhu at July 24, 2005 11:31 PMIve got this image of Carlos Silva in his undies burned into my mind now...
PS: Can the pants heal injuries? if so please send the pants to yankee stadium, we sure need them. Will trade for Giambi's magic bat, the glove Ruben Rivera stole from Jeter and Bernie Williams AARP card.
Sincerely, Chien Ming Wang.
Did Mays they find the long-lost magic pants from Trip Shakespeare's The Slacks?! What an amazing discovery!
Can I tell you a romantic story?
About the one-eyed lady in France
I guess the king decreed, that all the various princes
Should try to get inside her pants
So along came a St. Paul dandy
He was six and a half feet tall
He said "All the little ladies love roses"
She took the roses and that was all
The next man for the one-eyed lady
Was my dignified brother Dan
He said "Bring the little woman some kisses and attention"
She wouldn't even shake his hand
Then I moved into the picture
I was wearing these magic pants
I said "Let the blind bottom of my body do the talking"
She fell into a magic trance
I wore the pants
I said relax
We did a dance
They call the slacks
Now let me tell you the truth of the story
It was me moving in those pants
Matt said the way to her heart is through her tummy
And then he took her out to restaurants
Could you both turn down the distortion?
Cause you know I wore the pants
You were both laid out on the floor with no protection
In a deep, dark, watery trance
I wore the pants
I said relax
We did a dance
They call the slacks
Anne, you are so cool.
Anne? Who is Anne? There is only BatGirl!
BG, awesome post. So much better to think about hot pitcher butts than... well... the rest of the weekend. But hot pitcher butts are happy.
Posted by: CarrieICL at July 25, 2005 06:44 AM
Just don't let Boo wear them. Because, you know... nobody wants to be in HIS pants.
I've gone from fingers-in-ears mode to full-blown psychopharmaceuticals now. BG, I think it's time to re-publish your recipe for Happy Happy Fun Drinks.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at July 25, 2005 06:47 AMHmmm, Baker, no ass??
I was thinkig to myself, self, Baker kinda has a bubble butt. But a hot bubble butt. But, anyway, at least Justin got a few hits...OK, so I am trying to find something positive out of our hitters.
Giggles =)
Giggles again for picturing Carlos, Joe, Scott and Kyle pantsless and holding hands and making an oath to the magic pants
No offense to Joe - but if he really wants to be the 'fashionable' guy - he so needs to get rid of the ugly pink/orange striped shirt he has in his closet - sorry Joe - I love ya but that shirt has to go =)
Much Love
Wonder Woman
The magic pants worked well until Matthew LeCroy tried them on and split a seam. Even magic has it's limits.
Posted by: Me at July 25, 2005 08:57 AMDamnit, Alex, you beat me to it. That's exactly what I was thinking!
Posted by: Katharriet at July 25, 2005 09:04 AM"so the moral of the story: pitching with a fine ass doesn't necessarily help you win a baseball game. that's unfortunate."
Kafumbly, it's still okay to pitch with a fine ass, even if you don't win.
Posted by: HooliganKat at July 25, 2005 10:38 AMI have to say this - I've been reading the majesty that is BatGirl for the last few months, and it has most assuredly been a salve to my aching soul in the midst of the uncertainty that swirls like a cyclone around our beloved Twins this season. But the last few posts have gone beyond inspired into a category that may never be equalled - and one has to wonder if the fractious nature of this year is the reason why. After all, it seems the more of a quagmire the season becomes, the better BatGirl's posts are. So here's hoping for a quick and precipitous decline in the level of BG's writing. I'm not sure my heart can take much more of this...
Posted by: adidasman at July 25, 2005 10:43 AMadidasman (and others),
sometimes the most inspiring writing in sports come from following a team that is underperforming. some of the stuff in the local newspapers during the twins' sucking seasons -- i mean, SERIOUSLY sucking seasons -- was just totally inspired. our batgirl is continuing that fine tradition during these weeks that have made us scream.
i can't wait until she chornicles the end of the Boonozoic Error, er, Era in twin cities baseball.
no, Bret, they aren't calling out "BOOOOONE." Those are now boos.
yours, RD
Posted by: RonDavis at July 25, 2005 11:07 AM
What's with the Boone hating? The guy is on his way out, and we got him for FREE. (Well, we gave up a midlevel minor-leaguer)
It was a win/win. We weren't hitting at all before he got here...he didn't fix it as much as we'd hope, but it's not like we got WORSE.
Everybody expected Boone to be the next Stewart...nobody could do that!
Posted by: Torhu at July 25, 2005 12:54 PMhttp://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/sports/baseball/12216646.htm
-> Soriano is one of the names I've heard tossed about as a potential trade for the Twins...this article may end up meaning that's not the case.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/sports/baseball/12214800.htm
-> Burnett to ChiSox??
Posted by: Torhu at July 25, 2005 01:11 PMum, Torhu... the man can't field a routine grounder to his left to save his life. plus, he botched two potential double plays in the same inning on Sunday. I'd say he's hurt us.
Posted by: kafumbly at July 25, 2005 01:27 PMI know he didn't field that hot...or hit that well. I just feel bad that he going to get a rabid chasing from town from the same people (mostly in the local sports-media scene) who were giving him a hero's welcome.
I'm half-bummed/half-ticked too, I wanted the guy to do well.
Heck, as much as people would hate to hear me say it...I think TJ Mullholland has started to show his age recently. With his two recent outings in Detroit as prime examples.
Posted by: Torhu at July 25, 2005 02:01 PM
Torhu,
We don't hate Boone -- just the hissy fits, defensive lapses, lack of extra-base hits and pained expressions. You are absolutely correct that it was a no-risk acquisition, and now it's time to return him to Costco before we lose the receipt.
We didn't expect him to be Shannon Stewart, but we expected him, by now, to have a couple of more extra-base hits than Corky Miller.
Your's, RD
Posted by: RonDavis at July 25, 2005 02:06 PM"and now it's time to return him to Costco before we lose the receipt."
hahahaha...
Posted by: kafumbly at July 25, 2005 05:01 PMWe're lucky Bradke didn't turn to the pants. I don't think the minions of Steinbrenner are going to care WHAT he or El Presidente look like...
Posted by: DhruvK at July 25, 2005 08:10 PM"Carlos, you're gorgeous!" Scottie said.
i am just glad the could finally realize how they truly feel about each other!!
Wow. Nothing more disturbing than gender-confused starting pitchers.
Posted by: Twinsfreak at July 29, 2005 09:33 PM